|
CuriousFerret -> RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like to ask (10/18/2012 11:44:35 AM)
|
When did I realize I was a BDSM bottom? Well, I feel kind of embarrassed over it now. I mean, I've gotten to be such a cast-iron skeptic, it's hard to fathom myself being serious about some of the things I used to believe.
I used to be religious, and I was really the only member of my family, at the time, who took religion seriously. I was one of those children who would say a meal prayer for a candy bar from the snack machine. I really wanted to be devout.
I had no interest in girls, and I ended up making a causal connection between that and my spirituality. I thought that I was going to be able to live a nice, clean, wholesome life, removed from the tawdry desires of the physical world. I realize how naive that was now, but I was a child. I think that children have permission to be naive.
Well, when I started creeping into my teens, the visions started to come...or, rather, they went from being vague and formless to developing a shape. I felt that some demon or monstrosity or something was holding me down, and I had a feeling of being violated. I didn't even know the gory details of sex at the time. I just associated it with "evil."
Thankfully, I gave up religion in my mid-teens, and this turned the monsters into laughable shadows. This was a seriously important step in my life. If I hadn't let go of religion under those circumstances, with all of that going on, I would be locked-up in a mental ward right now, and I am not even close to joking.
However, I suffered from depression throughout most of my adolescence, so most of my fantasies were correspondingly dark. If I'd been in a more urban setting, I would have probably ended up becoming a "willing victim" in some freak's dungeon. You know, I used to think that my depression was due to something inherently wrong with me, but I have NEVER ONCE been depressed since I got out of the household I grew up in. I think that's informative.
Eventually, I was adopted as a pet by a kindhearted man, and my time with him changed my outlook. He didn't seem to have an aggressive bone in his body. He guided me with wisdom alone, and it was really the first time in my life that I had experienced that level of patience and understanding. He would listen to my ditzy ramblings with a tender smile on his face. When I would ask him apologetically if I were boring him, he would just tell me how much he loved to hear me talk. He was the only experience I had ever had with unselfish kindness. I only regret that, in time, circumstances forced us apart.
I'm on my second dominant now. He runs a much more strict household than the former one, and his expectations are much higher. He feminized me extensively early in our courtship, having me wear a lot of dresses, lingerie, and high-heeled shoes. He knew I liked it. He is also extremely tenderhearted and sentimental, though. He cries easily, and he has an almost child-like faith in his ideals. In all my life, I have not known a more genuinely sensitive man. To me, he is my husband, not so much a master. I'm just submissive to him.
Ultimately, I think that being a sub is just the inevitable result of my background. I think it's something that develops...I don't think that it just appears like a light bulb over your head. But that's just my slant.
|
|
|
|
