My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido.

My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive

Message

jamal567 -> My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/23/2012 7:10:24 PM)
As a young male I'm sure I can't be the only one who deals with this Now, it's obvious a ton of men that are in to kinky play - whether that is dom/sub or s&m - are actually just looking to satisfy their sexual urges/fantasies and are more of 'bedroom bottoms' who want to pay, play, and go on their way. While my submissiveness is tied to my libido in similar ways as the group above, for me throughout the day before ejaculating I have a very intense desire to submit and be a kind and gentle person. It doesn't matter if I feel horny or not so long as I haven't physically ejaculated. During this time I want to please the person I'm with in any way at all and be valued. I more or less just want to be a useful, productive person who makes my dom partner happy. It truly feels like a serious need and not a feeling I can easily disregard and discard. It's a feeling that fulfills me and gives me purpose in life. My problem is almost instantly after ejaculating my submissive personality completely vanishes for hours on end or even the rest of the day. To me, someone who puts a lot of value and effort in to these feelings of mine this can be very confusing. It can cause me to doubt who I am and even if the person I'm with is right for me. It's kind of like temporarily losing a part of myself that I really cherish and love... I wish I could have my submissive personality all of the time because I feel like a good and kind person and I'm able forget about things like my daily battle with chronic pain and depression. Mostly I just posted this to try to see my own situation a little more clearly. And I'm a tad bit curious if anyone around here goes through the same thing or something similar. Perhaps everyone does? I mean is it just a matter of not being able to have that mindset/personality all of the time? It feels like a big deal to me because during this period of time it's hard for me to even recognize why I've been submitting in the first place. Kind of like looking in the mirror and seeing a different person who just doesn't care about all that sensitivity mumbo-jumbo. Advice would be cool too. What does one do when they are on a never-ending rollercoaster ride of positive and negative emotions? How do you handle it when it seems like something important that you want to carry with you always and forever just gets turned off like a switch every single day. I must be missing a large piece of the puzzle right? Yours Truly, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

autumnember -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/23/2012 7:21:06 PM)
I think this is why so many men (imo) are interested in orgasm denial. You could also chose to be submissive even when you don't feel like it-- submitting is about action. Just because you don't feel like it doesn't prohibit you from ACTING like it.

littlewonder -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/23/2012 7:26:39 PM)
chastity? It's actually pretty common it seems. Another male sub said the exact same thing in a post he created one time.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/23/2012 8:57:48 PM)
This post reads almost exactly like another post that was written a year or so ago? Another male sub talking about how his submissiveness was linked to his libido, which was something he wanted to change. He thought chastity or orgasm denial would help because he WANTED to focus on the submissiveness, and not the orgasm business, and his biology was shooting him in the foot. You could make it a matter of personal self-discipline, too. You know you have this hurdle in the way of something you want, i.e. focus on your submissiveness and carrying it with you always, like your post says. I don't know what methods would be best for you, and overcoming biology can be difficult, but you can try some small mantras or something like that to try to change at least small aspects of the way you think. Not everything is under our control, but there are some things that we can at least nudge in a new direction, you know? Mantras, or journaling, or even meditation. A lot of female subs spend quiet time kneeling and meditating or doing SOMETHING to help them focus on their roles in their relationships. It isn't necessarily something that just comes super easy for anyone, regardless of gender. I've recently had a battle with dehydration. I don't have much of a sense of thirst just from so many years of not drinking much water. But my body finally just said "Yeah, you need to drink water. Period." So, with or without feeling like I want any water, I've just been making myself get a cup and drink it - for a while, I was drinking a cup of water every hour on the hour. =p Whether I felt like I wanted to drink anything or not - it didn't matter. It became a matter of discipline. Personal discipline is probably what it would take to get over the hurdle biology's thrown at you. But where there's a will, there's a way, etc etc etc. =p

MistressDarkArt -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/23/2012 9:10:24 PM)
Welcome, jamal! Good first post!! :-) Without getting deeply into the psychological questions you asked, I would say that if you like the person you are when denied ejaculation...don't ejaculate. I had a submissive partner whose desire to serve was directly tied to that as well. I put him in a chastity device long enough to get him used to the concept, then once he was accustomed to not cumming the device came off and he was denied orgasm except for very rare occasions (when I knew I didn't want him underfoot for a while.) He had concerns about 'testicular backup' so either I milked him via electro applied to the prostate or made him do it to himself. He took to this well and it helped immensely with evening out his willingness to serve.

Duskypearls -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/23/2012 9:37:21 PM)
Jamal, I know nothing about that of which you speak, and beg forgiveness for any faux pas I may make, but I will offer you the first thing that came to my mind. You say after ejaculating for sometimes hours, and/or as long as till the end of the day, you lose your submissive urges. Does this happen every time, and how often does it happen? I have often heard many men require a recuperation period after ejaculation, often get very sleepy, and need to sleep. Apparently, there are many hormonal changes, some of which you'll find in this article: http://healthyliving.msn.com/health-wellness/men/sex/why-men-fall-asleep-after-sex-1 No doubt, it can cause mood changes as well. As women, most of us are only too familiar with hormonal changes, and how one can go from loving another to wanting to kill them in a matter of moments. But, we do not, at least most of us don't. We learn early on the hormonal/emotional sands constantly shift beneath our feet, and sooner or later, barring disease or disaster, we'll swing back to center. Sometimes it's like being on a life-long roller coaster, but not always as much fun! We subs do not always feel very subby and/or aroused, yet we continue on, for it will return, and we are obligated to ourselves and others to be true to who we are, for that is the way. My subbiness waxes and wanes as well, and like you, I am amazed and enamored with my subbiness and libido when they are both in alignment, as it is oh, so powerful, erotic and fulfilling a feeling. But feelings are not facts, so we cannot always let them steer or derail us. Perhaps it would help you to keep your focus on the fact your submissive urges ALWAYS return, and their absence is but temporary, and may be hormonally triggered, so you do not panic when they are no where to be felt. Perhaps take that time to replenish your mind, body and spirit, and be grateful it is there when you have it. Be grateful for it when it is not. Honor both states, as nothing is ever static. We are all many things at many different times, and must allow for the coming and going of this and that. Sometimes it seems the harder we try to hold on to something, the more quickly it spills through our fingers. Maybe be grateful for the down period, for without it, you could not value the up period, and perhaps they are both necessary and each is just as valuable as the other. Then again, I could be talking through my hat, know nothing, and accomplish nothing but to tick you off with my ignorance on the matter, and if that is the case, then so be it, and I apologize. Know my intentions were good. And yes, Jamal, I whole heartedly agree with Mistress, this is a most FABULOUS post, and I thank you both for it, and your delightful candor. I think we like you very much! Edited to add, upon first reading, I missed your statement about the periods during which when you so strongly feel submissive, chronic pain and depression takes a back seat, which must be a great relief. Those are two subjects with which I have had significant, long-term experience. If you would care to PM me, Jamal, perhaps I could make a recommendation or two that might be of assistance to you.

JeffBC -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/23/2012 11:24:56 PM)
As a young male I'm sure I can't be the only one who deals with this Nope, you're not. In fact, as has been noted, we all read an almost identical post some time ago. My problem is almost instantly after ejaculating my submissive personality completely vanishes for hours on end or even the rest of the day. To me, someone who puts a lot of value and effort in to these feelings of mine this can be very confusing. It can cause me to doubt who I am and even if the person I'm with is right for me. It's kind of like temporarily losing a part of myself that I really cherish and love... I wish I could have my submissive personality all of the time because I feel like a good and kind person Well now this is simply fascinating! So before you ejaculate you are basically a TPE slave. Afterwards.... what exactly? I wonder if it's occurred to you that you seem to know yourself pretty well... and have described that person to us succinctly. Why do you wish to be different than your actual self? Why not simply accept the fact that you are sometimes submissive and other times not. That puts you in squarely with about 99.999% of all the other subs out there also. Perhaps everyone does? I mean is it just a matter of not being able to have that mindset/personality all of the time? I dunno about "everyone". I can tell you that Carol is default submissive. That is to say, she submits as a default course of action in the world at large. But even she has her moments when "submissive" isn't exactly the word anyone'd use to describe her LOL. I can also tell you that there are LOTS of times when she doesn't want to submit to some command I've given her. Heck, there's plenty of times that she doesn't want to submit at all. She does it anyway because that's what works out best in our marriage. I'm not really sure what "mindset" you think you're supposed to have but it's hard to think of any mindset whatsoever that any human being maintains 24/7/365. How do you handle it when it seems like something important that you want to carry with you always and forever just gets turned off like a switch every single day. Ask yourself if it's really that important whatever it is? Again, I need to point out that there is no need to have any particular "mindset" to obey. You just need to DO it. I must be missing a large piece of the puzzle right? It's hard as heck to tell from a post like this but one possibility is that you are missing yourself. I'm kind of wondering if you're missing the forest for the trees. Why do you believe you must be different than you are? Generally that is seldom a wise move.

Duskypearls -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/23/2012 11:26:54 PM)
Well put, Jeff.

littlewonder -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/23/2012 11:29:04 PM)
Yeah, imo, just be who you are, whether you find you're not submissive after ejaculation or whatever. There's nothing wrong with that. You just need to find someone who is ok with that and maybe just keep it to bedroom kinkiness. Or if this is something you desperately want to change then either self discipline or chastity or let your Domme decide on what to do with you.

anniezz338 -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/23/2012 11:39:40 PM)
No offense meant but it sounds somewhat like a "submissive crash". A bedroom submissive. imo, I don't see anything wrong with that though you seem to. Quit messing with your own emotions. You seem to be turning a positive into a negative when there does not seem to be any reason to. You may be not like being a bedroom submissive, but it just may be who you are. Acceptance cures alot of ills. ETA: There is no perfect submissive no matter how hard we try.

JeffBC -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/24/2012 12:19:49 AM)
~fast reply~ Some other random thoughts since I was reading this post over again while I got a smoke (and this is mostly throwing spit wads up against the wall to see if any of them stick)... A) This "mindset" you think you're supposed to have... Carol has something that might be similar. It's what I personally think of as internal enslavement. It's the mindset which causes her to say that she has no choice but to obey whether or not she wants to. And yes, now that I think on it, she does have it 24/7/365. It's constant because it's been internalized as a part of her base self image. But that sort of thing typically takes years of work with two partners who both want it. Are you certain you're just not jumping the gun here? And even so it doesn't mean that she loves to obey all the time and every command. It also doesn't mean that she moves through her life with unrelenting poise and grace. It simply means that she sees herself as being my property and so she must obey... like it or not.... good mood or not... submissive or not. B) I'm a bit concerned how you conflate "submissive" with "good", "kind", and "gentle". Carol and I are polar opposites on the d/s scale but I'd like to think we are both "good" and "kind" and "gentle". We just do it in different ways. When we both engaged with a recent charity effort she immediately sought to support it and I sought to guide it. But we both wanted very much to help independent of our native d/s viewpoint. Are you a bad person after you ejaculate? Do you become unkind? If so, that speaks to a deeper issue that needs to be rooted out if you see it as something needing fixing. Or is it simply that you become un-submissive? That doesn't seem like any particular problem. C) You find a sense of purpose and fulfilment when you are in your submissive personality. That's no surprise really. Most of us humans get such feelings when we dedicate ourselves to something larger than or outside of us. Perhaps if you want that sort of feeling when you aren't feeling submissive you could find some big project at work, volunteer at some charity thing -- generally "find a purpose". Honestly there are lots and lots of really worthy purposes out there and most don't require a submissive personality to pursue. From my own recent experience I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of smaller charities and non-profits in your area would gladly accept any help you want to offer, either as leader or follower. Most of them probably qualify as "worthy purposes". My recent endeavor felt pretty darned worthy to me.

Duskypearls -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/24/2012 2:38:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 No offense meant but it sounds somewhat like a "submissive crash". A bedroom submissive. imo, I don't see anything wrong with that though you seem to. Quit messing with your own emotions. You seem to be turning a positive into a negative when there does not seem to be any reason to. You may be not like being a bedroom submissive, but it just may be who you are. Acceptance cures alot of ills. ETA: There is no perfect submissive no matter how hard we try. Good point, annie. I actually thought submissive crash, as well, yet forgot all about it while putting up my post. Thanks for tossing it in there. And right you are...acceptance cures a lot of ills.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/24/2012 5:34:09 AM)
I've seen this many times, the need to submit is directly tied to the need for stimulation. Once you've been over stimulated you stop being submissive. Some of it is chemical but really the heart of the matter is, submissiveness is your kink, not your personality. You enjoy being submissive because it works you up. When you've had your endorphine rush from orgasm you no longer seek to fulfill that sexual need for a time, so you go back to your regular personality. There's nothing wrong with it, and a lot of men I've dated do this, just be honest wiith yourself and your partners though. Don't look for a 24/7 power exchange when its really something that fits better in the bedroom for you.

LadyPact -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/24/2012 7:38:14 AM)
Just for information, one of the answers to your questions is no. Not all males tie their submission to their sexual desire and/or whether or not they have ejaculated. It can be the difference between a kink and personality. There really are males who do have it as a part of themselves, rather than just for the most part, when they are aroused. I know that Jeff said a few words about Carol's submissive default, but I wanted to say a word because I thought it might be important for you to hear that it's not specifically only females who can be that way. I do, however, agree with the other folks. If you are primarily a bedroom submissive, and don't really enjoy submission for a 24/7 type of relationship, it's better to be yourself. It's also fair to the people that you engage with to be as forthcoming about your desires (as well as the fact that they go away after orgasm) so that it will be easier for them to determine compatibility. It may be harder to find the person that you are looking for, but it should be a better fit when you do. For the record, I'm completely shocked that I beat RochSub to answering this one.

orgasmdenial12 -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/24/2012 11:03:51 AM)
This is why so many men are interested in orgasm denial. You could try orgasmdenial.com for more info and maybe some advice. For those not interested in denial, delay can also work - wait until the end of the day before ejaculating, or learn to wait a few days between ejaculations. It might sound crazy, but your orgasm is not really necessary to your submission, or to your life. If you are the type of person who masturbates on a daily basis and always has done, it can actually be very freeing to realise that you can control your orgasm, it doesn't have to control you. chastity xxx

jamal567 -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/24/2012 6:30:22 PM)
Wow, firstly I'd like to say thanks to everyone for providing such thought provoking responses. It's honestly a little overwhelming even but much appreciated. You've given me a lot to digest and think about over the next few weeks. Instead of quoting I'll just try to address everyone through writing in detail what I'm thinking and feeling, and the impact I've received from the responses so far. ----- To be clear my submissive personality doesn't actually have much to do with sex at all. I’m not focusing on or waiting for an orgasmic or euphoric climax of sorts (though the latter can be mind blowingly amazing ^^) as much as I’m just enjoying the peace of mind and happiness it gives me and my partner – and kinky play is more like icing on the cake. Submission is something that makes me feel at ease and complete. It also helps me immensely with battling through my daily struggles mentally, so with all that in mind I do consider it to be a sacred and extremely important part of my life and personality. The thing I value and appreciate most is to be in a loving relationship and for me it just can't work without a dom/sub dynamic. It’s too much a part of who I am to regard it as simply a part-time kink or something. My submissive personality (or rather the submissiveness in my personality) has been there as long as I can remember really. I still recall the warm fuzzies I received even during my childhood from simply being near a strong confidant person whom I looked up to. ----- However reading through these helpful responses you’ve reminded me that a person simply can’t feel that way all of the time. Whether there is an hormonal imbalance or not some times we just need a little down time to recuperate and collect ourselves. I’ll try to keep this important lesson in mind every single day to help gain peace of mind and an understanding about the way I sometimes feel. As a part of life’s natural cycle I'll endeavor to learn how to use this time as a blessing and as a way to appreciate my submissive personality and relationship even more! (thank you Lillybopeep and Duskypearls for reminding me of this - I'd like to find a trigger of sorts whether thats music, meditation etc. something that can put me at ease when I need it the most and remind me that everything is gonna be alright) So I've been thinking about this an awful lot since last night and I believe a shift in hormones that happens post-ejaculation is causing me to bounce from an emotional high to an emotional low. This in turn is conflicting with my natural personality (my entire personality, not just submissive) and is causing a bit of an identity crisis, emotional numbness, and at times depression. I also wonder if perhaps these highs and lows are a little more intense for me due to struggling with things such as chronic pain, medication dependency, and depression which can easily cause an hormonal imbalance all by themselves. Having come to that realization, I unfortunately believe that my libido and ejaculations are causing me to bounce from a high to a low in a rather unhealthy and unnatural way. I’d like to take the advice of many here and seek the route of orgasm denial. If this can level me out a bit it would be very much worth it. I feel like my post-ejaculation hormonal/emotional phase is something separate from naturally needed mental downtime because it’s like an emotional numbness taking hold of me that commonly effects my personality in a negative way (specifically this can be an indifference towards everything or a numbness, being confused about why I value and love certain things in life so much, or just being sad/depressed). To be clear this isn't something that happens to me each and every time, just often enough to cause concern and often makes me not want to have orgasms at all. ---- I'd like to thank everyone here again for taking the time to respond and help me through this. I greatly value and appreciate being able to talk with like-minded people who are understanding and kind enough to bother with me. I feel much more confidant and positive about my situation because now I see it more clearly and understand that they're things that I may be able to do to help emotionally balance myself and also things that I need to learn to accept as a natural part of a submissives' life.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/24/2012 6:57:28 PM)
Your submissive personality doesn't have much to do with sex at all?? Bullshit, your first post made it clear once you come, your submissiveness goes. quote: My problem is almost instantly after ejaculating my submissive personality completely vanishes for hours on end or even the rest of the day. Those are your words, not mine. So now you want to tell me your climax has nothing to do with sex? Pull another one, boychik. I appreciate the fact that you communicate well and have some intellect. This is commendable. That does nothing to mitigate the fact that you are like the other 90% of all male subs, your submission is so firmly tied into your need to orgasm, a femdomme has no choice but to subject you to chastity in order to deal with you. The rest of your posts are all BS, in my never humble opinion. What I just stated in the crux. Deal with it or find someone you can pay to make you, b/c you are not what I would call submissive. Maybe a male bedroom bottom. Be still my beating heart, there are millions of you.

Duskypearls -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/24/2012 7:13:00 PM)
Jamal, several neurotransmitters are either increased, or decreased, in relation to pleasure, contentment, sex, food, dominance, submission, exertion, pain, or lack of these. Some of them are endorphins, serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin. Perhaps you get low in some after ejaculation. Foods that will increase these neurotransmitters: chocolate, carbs, protein, spicy foods, strawberries, ripe bananas, grapes, oranges sesame seeds, nuts, fish, beets, yogurt, chicken, avocado, turkey, soy, cottage cheese, eggs, fish, greens, beans, whole grains, root vegetables, potatoes, tofu, rice, apples, beets, watermelon, wheat germ, almonds, cheese, asparagus, oysters. Physical methods to self-sooth and increase neurotransmitters; hot bath, hugs, foot rub, massage, aromatherapy, acupuncture, cuddling, meditation, yoga, music, whatever will make you feel like you're taking care of yourself. All of these will also help with chronic pain and depression.

littlewonder -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/24/2012 8:25:32 PM)
Have you talked to your doctor about your medications? Not for your submissiveness or sex or anything like that but the fact you are going from highs and lows. It could be the medication, it could be something else like bipolar. I think you need to talk to your doctor about this.

jamal567 -> RE: My submissive personality is completely tied to my libido. (10/24/2012 9:05:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Your submissive personality doesn't have much to do with sex at all?? Bullshit, your first post made it clear once you come, your submissiveness goes. The rest of your posts are all BS, in my never humble opinion. What I just stated in the crux. Deal with it or find someone you can pay to make you, b/c you are not what I would call submissive. Maybe a male bedroom bottom. I think you may be judging me too quickly unless I'm totally delusional about myself. I'm not gonna try to defend my own submissiveness any further though. It's been a part of me all of my life since before puberty and it's hardly my fault that my emotions and personality are getting out of whack post-orgasm. My partner and I have already talked about this and she knows very well that I try my best just to see her smile and gain her approval. I'm a 22 year old male so forgive me if I have the physical need to orgasm just to stop myself from humping a tree some days. Honestly after these more recent post-orgasm issues I'm more fed up than ever with my own frustratingly active sex drive. I'll be ordering a chastity device soon, hope it helps! quote: ORIGINAL: Duskypearls Jamal, several neurotransmitters are either increased, or decreased, in relation to pleasure, contentment, sex, food, dominance, submission, exertion, pain, or lack of these. Some of them are endorphins, serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin. Perhaps you get low in some after ejaculation. Foods that will increase these neurotransmitters: chocolate, carbs, protein, spicy foods, strawberries, ripe bananas, grapes, oranges sesame seeds, nuts, fish, beets, yogurt, chicken, avocado, turkey, soy, cottage cheese, eggs, fish, greens, beans, whole grains, root vegetables, potatoes, tofu, rice, apples, beets, watermelon, wheat germ, almonds, cheese, asparagus, oysters. Physical methods to self-sooth and increase neurotransmitters; hot bath, hugs, foot rub, massage, aromatherapy, acupuncture, cuddling, meditation, yoga, music, whatever will make you feel like you're taking care of yourself. All of these will also help with chronic pain and depression. Wow I really can't thank you enough! This is quite the wealth of information. I'll surely keep it in mind as I'm trying to focus on lifestyle changes specifically my diet which is admittedly not the best. quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Have you talked to your doctor about your medications? Not for your submissiveness or sex or anything like that but the fact you are going from highs and lows. It could be the medication, it could be something else like bipolar. I think you need to talk to your doctor about this. Ya I think I'll bring it up and the next appointment that things just haven't been very stable the past few months. I used to be on a medication that really messed with my head though my current regiment I've been on for a couple of years now and it's worked fairly well.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875