Romantic courting with a potential sub

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Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 8:50:50 PM

plasticshark

Posts: 23
Joined: 1/18/2011
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So about 18 months ago I finally accepted what I really need to be satisfied with a relationship, and why I always left them unfulfilled. I've since had some play dates, a few false starts where my Dom side was intrigued but the day-to-day compatibility was not sufficient, and a couple of situations where it seemed I was being asked to rescue instead of lead.

A few months back I had some back and forth email communications with a local who was looking for play partners. I am looking long term so we let it drop without meeting. Last week we started up again, because she's looking long term as well. We've now been on a few dates (no play), including a classic "meal that turned into a five hour conversation because we lost track of time" date. She's awesome, in about the same place in life I am, cute as hell, and also a busy professional.

I am completely, utterly twitterpated. Over the moon. I'm not planning wedding vows or anything yet, but for the first time in years talking to her doesn't feel arbitrary or take-it-or-leave-it. I have an irrational compulsion about her. I simultaneously want to snuggle her while pillow-talking and also flog her within an inch of her safe word.

I realize every person is different and only she can answer this honestly, but she responds very well to my usual dry, sarcastic, bossy tone. I'm a little apprehensive that my instinct to go all Tom Hanks (I have a very playful and goofy side) is not appropriate. If you were romantically interested in a Dom, would you find it off-putting if they began an old-fashioned courting? I am a classicist at heart.

Post #: 1

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 8:58:40 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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No, I would find everything you have said to be quite refreshing.

In fact, do you have a brother?

(in reply to plasticshark)

Post #: 2

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 9:00:03 PM

LillyBoPeep

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Yeah I would say that is pretty neato. Someone who actually wants to get to know you as a person? +1 to that.

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RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 9:12:15 PM

Duskypearls

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Joined: 8/21/2011
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My dear fellow, old fashioned courting is NEVER out of date, or off-putting to those who appreciate and value it.

It saddens my heart there is so little of it, for it is what I respond to best.

If that is who you are, then you are magnificient, and never change.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 4

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 9:48:01 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
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I have always felt we are women before we are submissives. And women like that kind of stuff, even if we are thoroughly spanked when we get home. We just like bad boys with a soft side. You seem to be just the right mix. All the best to you

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Post #: 5

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 9:48:45 PM

MyPleasureSir

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/1/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearlss

My dear fellow, old fashioned courting is NEVER out of date, or off-putting to those who appreciate and value it.

It saddens my heart there is so little of it, for it is what I respond to best.

If that is who you are, then you are magnificient, and never change.

okay I'll go with this 1. the difference is you got past the computer. it is only then through real time rather than just email or profile that you have those long talks. that approach through email and online only, rarely if ever get past the presumption of he beinog just another old HNG just 1 handiing his way through internet porn.

(in reply to Duskypearls)

Post #: 6

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 10:05:04 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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Joined: 8/7/2007
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Ah hell, I'm half in love with you, just for using the word twitterpated! I'd ask if you have a brother, but someone beat me to it.

And a thumbs up on all the mushy romantic Tom Hanksie stuff. If it is genuine, and you are being yourself, I say let your Tom Hanks side shine - just don't let it eclipse your dark side :)

yeah, sorta mixed metaphors there but pfft...s'all good.

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 7

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 10:21:04 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338
I have always felt we are women before we are submissives. And women like that kind of stuff, even if we are thoroughly spanked when we get home. We just like bad boys with a soft side. You seem to be just the right mix. All the best to you

This. THIS. THIS !!!

I despise people that always refer to (forgive me for using my gender preferences) men as "dom" or ladies as "sub". It is one of the most dehumanizing and disrespectful things about this lifestyle.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 11:13:48 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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If Master had not courted me I would have had zero interest in him. I'm old-fashioned and believe in a man wooing and seducing a woman. In fact, Master still woos me 7 years later.

I like when men do that and I highly recommend it if you know how to do it without being creepy or seeming desperate.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 10/23/2012 11:16:11 PM >

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RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 11:23:07 PM

sexyred1

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I find it incredibly sad that someone even has to ask if it is ok to court someone.

Everyone is so into instant gratification now, that finesse and the art of seduction are missing in action in almost everyone I have met in the past year or so.

When people ask how I can be single I point out this fact, but it seems to go over their heads.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 10

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 11:30:44 PM

littlewonder

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I have seen that a lot too. I just chalk it up to people being social misfits or who think bdsm is some kind of unemotional fantasy land that will solve all their problems.

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RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 11:36:41 PM

Duskypearls

Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
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I'm with LW & sexyred.

Courting is an art and skill, long lost, I'm afraid. Oh, how I wish it was common place. Why is it more men (and others) don't get this, and why are they not willing to do this? (A rhetorical question, of course.) They would find themselves, head and shoulders, standing out amongst the rest of the pack. Their rewards would be incalculable. Their self-confidence and self-respect would soar, and so many wonderful women (and others) would be putty in their hands. I know I would. The one who courts well, and knows the language of love, is for whom I wait. There is no quicker way into my head, heart and body.

Plastic, you are a treasure, a rare and valuable gem, never doubt it.

< Message edited by Duskypearls -- 10/23/2012 11:38:20 PM >

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 12

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/23/2012 11:42:31 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

@OP
I think the answers themselves are representative of the other times I've seen this question asked. VERY rarely you'll get someone claiming to want to build a long term relationship on solely power exchange as a foundation. I pretty much assume these folks are living an internet fiction. I especially liked Sexyred's answer:

I find it incredibly sad that someone even has to ask if it is ok to court someone.

You might ponder this. The underlying truth of dominance is that it doesn't require any sort of overt anything. You don't need to issue any commands. You don't need her to obey anything. Nobody needs to negotiate or agree to anything. You just need to be in control of the situation... whatever situation it is. Something as simple as guiding a woman through the door by placing the small of your hand on her back can (and frequently does in that specific example) elicit strong reactions. So there you have it. A gentlemanly courting gesture loaded with D/s implications. My own impression is most subs seeking a LTR lap such things up. I hardly think it's an either/or situation. I think most LTR subs want "both".

One last point. Does it really matter what she wants? What else can you offer her but your actual, genuine self? Anything else is building a fiction of a relationship between two fictional people. I'd say that if you're a hopeless romantic and she's anti-romance then perhaps it's best to find that out now.

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(in reply to plasticshark)

Post #: 13

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/24/2012 12:47:25 AM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
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Second what everybody has already, with the addition that THE only exception I've found to subs wanting/enjoying being courted is the case of the "I'm filthy, treat me like the dirt beneath your boots, disregard and disrespect me, I'm sub-human" kind of subs.
So unless she's that type (which she doesn't seem to be from how you describe your conversations) courting is something she probably will relish instead of drive her away.

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

One last point. Does it really matter what she wants? What else can you offer her but your actual, genuine self? Anything else is building a fiction of a relationship between two fictional people. I'd say that if you're a hopeless romantic and she's anti-romance then perhaps it's best to find that out now.

And I'm SO totally seconding Jeff here, with another addition:

The absolutely worst experiences I've ever had with any Dom male is when they get all hung up on what a Dom is supposed to be like, and act like, and whether or not he's going to be unDomly/unmanly/unauthorative/thought less off, if he just does what he truly feels like doing/saying/pursuing. Trust me, if you're not being yourself, and trying to make yourself fit a mold of what you think the perfect Dom should be, it shows. And not only does it show, it makes you seem unsure, hesitant, and awkward.

Trying to act like you think a Dom should because you're afraid that you'll be unDomly otherwise will do exactly what you fear will happen in the first place: it will make you seem less Domly.

Just be yourself instead.

< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 10/24/2012 12:48:33 AM >

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I am the dirt you created
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Post #: 14

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/24/2012 3:26:11 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

That tom hanks thing sounds pretty good,
best I've got going for me is a Bane impersonation
that only sounds like Bane half the time

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Post #: 15

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/24/2012 4:22:55 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

One last point. Does it really matter what she wants? What else can you offer her but your actual, genuine self? Anything else is building a fiction of a relationship between two fictional people. I'd say that if you're a hopeless romantic and she's anti-romance then perhaps it's best to find that out now.

Totally this.

Be true to who you are, period. One of the things that really caught my attention about the Mister is I didn't feel there was any pretense. He was comfortable in his own skin, and I in mine. I love that he can be a complete goofball on one hand, and on the other, he can put his foot down and make very clear where the lines are.

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Post #: 16

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/24/2012 4:37:18 AM

MyMasterStephen

Posts: 219
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

I am a stereotypical Englishman. Uptight, reserved, formal...

My girl is a mature woman, but she has a very strong playful streak and she can be very childlike at times.

On the face of it, I would have put this down as a recipe for disaster. But in fact she brings out elements in me which I never knew existed. I can be SILLY! I can be soft, I can be childlike myself at times, just like a father playing with his little girl. She loves it, and she rejoices in finding new ways for Daddy to make himself look or sound silly. We PLAY together, and the bond between us is fantastic.

She makes me a better person. She makes me whole, and we have a better life together than I ever thought imaginable. So go with it: be yourself, let her see everything you are, and if she doesn't like it then you'd never have worked well together in the long term anyway.

(in reply to plasticshark)

Post #: 17

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/24/2012 4:47:59 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I find it incredibly sad that someone even has to ask if it is ok to court someone.

Everyone is so into instant gratification now, that finesse and the art of seduction are missing in action in almost everyone I have met in the past year or so.

When people ask how I can be single I point out this fact, but it seems to go over their heads.

Yes yes yes a million times yes.

It's similar for me, and I wonder at times if it was any different pre-internet, but a lot of the worst offenders are older guys who were supposedly around before the internet. =p

But that instant-gratification issue has a lot to do with why I am still single, too, and why I'm just not expecting to find a partner in the overtly-kinky world. It's becoming more and more common to do things this way, and the whole "courting" idea is totally alien to so many people.

For me, it's this nameless "thing" that I'll just know when I find it. And I'm just NOT finding it. =p Anywhere.

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"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to sexyred1)

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RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/24/2012 6:14:31 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

From the start when I met my Dominant I had this romantic type of thing and still do, going on 4 years later. It works for us very well. He is very open about his feelings for me and does a lot of cute, silly, endearing things in showing them. He is very mannerly, gentle and kind to me and to everyone, which isn't to say that he doesn't have moments where he shows the other side of himself where he is obstinate, strong, and arbitrary. I enjoy the dichotomy, what can I say?

I like that we are openly affectionate with each other, and I like it when he tells me to go do something. I see it that he's not afraid to be himself and that is what attracts me to him the most.

(in reply to plasticshark)

Post #: 19

RE: Romantic courting with a potential sub - 10/24/2012 7:13:54 AM

culareD

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Joined: 8/16/2012
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Tom Hanks is my favorite actor...so I'm in too. I believe you will only get treated as you expect to be treated, sub or Dom. If you are "yourself", and your other half is too, then it's a WIN. I agree with the courtship thing...it just adds so much more depth to the relationship.

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Post #: 20

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