Am I being unrealistic? (Full Version)

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LTRsubNW -> Am I being unrealistic? (6/14/2006 8:02:25 PM)

Please don't give me platitudes.  I'm serious in my search.  Truly serious.

I expect several answers along the lines of "you'll find her, you just need to be patient" and "so long as you're flexible...."....

This is a very limited venue.

There's a lot of "Dommes".  (See below).

I actually didn't ask a valid question herein, but I'm confident the question is fairly obvious.  If it's not, please email me and I'll grovel appropriately.

If any of you are honest (certainly, none of you {Mistresses} have been looking for a Mistress...making it a tad difficult for you to truly answer or understand this post), you'll have an inkling that...there are exactly 9,744,482 single male subs to every ONE Domme...and, asking equal honesty, of every 100 "Dommes", 99.999999999 are either Pro, wannabe Pro or acting as if they were.

Here's what I know about people....and women:

Most (even the Pros) want a permanent relationship...but...they aren't gonna tell us (someone give me an "Amen").  Now, here I am, an earnest sub, looking for an earnest Domme...many of you would entertain me.  I'm successful, 47, no one's dodging across the street when I walk past (I'm okay, but GQ hasn't called me in months for cover work), and I'm a good man. 

I even like to cuddle (really!).  And, I do well.

Actually...very well.

But, you aren't helping!!!!

I'm rambling.

My profile is relatively clear (although I just today made some changes...ergo, you probably can't see it till tomorrow).  Do you really want a good sub?

So many of you retain the personae (sp?)...and never let a good man in.  I know...there's a lot of putzes out there.  It's possible I'm not a putz (then again, maybe I am).

You'll never know unless you talk to me.

I'm rambling again.

I'm in Seattle.

It DOESN'T rain here every day!

(Okay, it rains a lot...but everything's green...and you have to wear boots...but hey, you look good in boots, and I WILL hold open the door and I DO have an umbrella!)

Okay...I've vented...I've made at least my case...I'd love to hear from you...and...I'd love to know why you hold yourself back.  (That's actually my question...why do you?)

Is it because of the 312 emails a day you get?  (I only sent 40).

Maybe one of them is worth responding to?

Maybe they're all shitheads.

I'd like to think I'm not.

Jon




AAkasha -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/14/2006 8:25:44 PM)



What long term relationship successes have you had with dominant women that included the cuckolding aspect of it?  How long did they last, how many male lovers did she take, did you have any emotional snags with that and how were they handled?

If the answer is no, then how many long term relationship successes have you had without the cuckolding and the femdom aspect of it, and how long did they last, and why was your devotion/love not enough to keep it all together if all other things were otherwise grand?

Those are the two categories of questions that come to mind when a man is seeking a very specific, very potentially complicated relationship.  I'd want to know if he's all fantasy or speaks from real experience and is emotionally prepared to really make a relationship like that work.  Or, is it just a nice idea.

Akasha



MistressLorelei -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/14/2006 8:42:22 PM)

Here's my opinion.... 

Your profile seems to focus on being cuckolded and expands on little else.  The only interest listed is cuckolding.  Most long-term relationships do not start with  'Hmmm... Let Me find an instant cuckold.... hey there he is'.  I think the desire to be cuckolded should start with an attachment for the woman who may cuckold you.  Maybe try focusing on what you can do as a submissive to enhance and compliment the life of another BESIDES being a cuckold. Perhaps indicate that you have an open mind, and cuckold interest, but also that that you are a well-rounded, sincere, submissive, looking for a long-term D/s relationship, are anxious to please the right woman, and mention other areas of interest as well.

Many Dommes in search of a long-term relationship with a submissive who may lead to a cuckold, are not looking to take a "cuckold" and make him a cuckold, but to take an open-minded male, with the desire to please... and if things go well, and if she desires.... make him a cuckold. 

If you want to stand out from the crowd of subs... show what you have to offer, rather than focus on what you want offered to you.   Good luck



MisPandora -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/14/2006 9:12:44 PM)

Yep -- what they said.

I'll add the fact that when I see someone is hypervigilant on ONE topic, they strike me as a fetishist. Fetishists are really annoying to me because it's ALL ABOUT THEM. And from the sounds of it, your post was all about you too.

When marketing yourself, share what your experience is, what your goals are (other than 'a relationship', if you can come up with any) and understand that not all of us are solely seeking a cuck in a relationship, especially not when he's 3000 miles away.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/14/2006 10:10:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
What long term relationship successes have you had with dominant women that included the cuckolding aspect of it?  How long did they last, how many male lovers did she take, did you have any emotional snags with that and how were they handled?

If the answer is no, then how many long term relationship successes have you had without the cuckolding and the femdom aspect of it, and how long did they last, and why was your devotion/love not enough to keep it all together if all other things were otherwise grand?

Those are the two categories of questions that come to mind when a man is seeking a very specific, very potentially complicated relationship.  I'd want to know if he's all fantasy or speaks from real experience and is emotionally prepared to really make a relationship like that work. 
Akasha
Iagree and would love to see the answer to these questions...
In all honesty LTRsubNW, I've read your profile before, and stopped and moved to the next when I saw "cuckoldry."
Even if we were a match however, you would most likely have to initiate contact; not because I couldn't, but simply because that is my expectation from most any man who wants me to look his way and consider him for anything.   M



MistressTheaZ -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/14/2006 11:08:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressLorelei

--snip--Your profile seems to focus on being cuckolded and expands on little else.  The only interest listed is cuckolding.  Most long-term relationships do not start with  'Hmmm... Let Me find an instant cuckold.... hey there he is'.  I think the desire to be cuckolded should start with an attachment for the woman who may cuckold you.  Maybe try focusing on what you can do as a submissive to enhance and compliment the life of another BESIDES being a cuckold. Perhaps indicate that you have an open mind, and cuckold interest, but also that that you are a well-rounded, sincere, submissive, looking for a long-term D/s relationship, are anxious to please the right woman, and mention other areas of interest as well.

If you want to stand out from the crowd of subs... show what you have to offer, rather than focus on what you want offered to you.   Good luck


Completely agree.

Also to add - yes, 312 mails do get a bit labor-intensive to respond to. ;) I have been steadily working My way through answering all the mail I haven't responded to, and I'm not even currently looking for a playmate. Many write to a profile that strikes them, regardless of whether it seems to 'fit' or not, and for this reason, you'll find a number of Dominants who selectively answer inquiries. Further to that, the Ladies here have pointed out something important: it is Her discretion as to what/whom She feels will satisfy Her. Keep this in mind before taking anything - whether it be a response or lack thereof - so personally.

Good luck,

~Thea



vicki2725 -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 6:17:19 AM)

 I am a female and  I understand exactly.  it's difficult fishing through all the e-mails.  I think majority of the ones I  read don't even check my profile other than the photos.  sometimes I wondered if I should remove my photos.  it always extremes someone who wants inflict a lot of pain or have a maid.
Very frustrating.  Just my feelings.
vicki



LTRsubNW -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 6:44:25 AM)

Now THAT is EXCELLENT advice!!!

(Okay, you're {all} back in the will)



thetammyjo -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 7:07:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressLorelei

Here's my opinion....

Your profile seems to focus on being cuckolded and expands on little else. The only interest listed is cuckolding. Most long-term relationships do not start with 'Hmmm... Let Me find an instant cuckold.... hey there he is'. I think the desire to be cuckolded should start with an attachment for the woman who may cuckold you. Maybe try focusing on what you can do as a submissive to enhance and compliment the life of another BESIDES being a cuckold. Perhaps indicate that you have an open mind, and cuckold interest, but also that that you are a well-rounded, sincere, submissive, looking for a long-term D/s relationship, are anxious to please the right woman, and mention other areas of interest as well.

Many Dommes in search of a long-term relationship with a submissive who may lead to a cuckold, are not looking to take a "cuckold" and make him a cuckold, but to take an open-minded male, with the desire to please... and if things go well, and if she desires.... make him a cuckold.

If you want to stand out from the crowd of subs... show what you have to offer, rather than focus on what you want offered to you. Good luck


Perhaps someone who is looking to be a cuckold is looking in the wrong place when he looks to BDSM sites. I mean, one of the credos I was taught when I entered the larger scene back in the very early 1990s was communication and negotiation. Of course she is going to want to know more and look for more, she probably want to negotiate the terms of the relationship too.

Doesn't negotiation sort of strip the idea of cuckoldry away? I mean, the terms means being married to a woman who is unfaithful... couldn't you just get that via a vanilla relationship?

If you enter into a relationship where the woman is unfront about having sex with other men, how is that her being unfaithful? To what is she unfaithful if there was never an agreement to be faithful?



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 7:18:52 AM)

If all you want or need for this kind of relationship is to be cuckholded, well, I'm going to be with my lover tonight and you just have to imagine the fun we'll have. There, you're cuckholded. Feel fulfilled? I'm betting not and neither do I.

What do you have to OFFER? your profile is all about one and only one thing. One thing doesn't make the basis for a relationship (think of how many couples stay married "for the children". Do they have a real relationship?) I'm betting you need a whole lot more, and have a whole lot more running around in your head (for example, you state you like to cuddle...that means you're expecting physical contact). Think about what you really want and need in a relationship. Then write those things down. Think about what you have to offer (for example, decent companionship) and write those down. It'll make your profile a lot more attractive.

Master Fire



Proprietrix -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 9:02:37 AM)


Is this a personal ad?  Or just a rehash of "Why can’t I find a Mistress?"

Your title asks "Am I being unrealistic?" I would say, based on your profile, Yes. You are.

You say you are serious in your search. Does that search encompass anything more than a collarme profile? Other sites? Real time groups? Munches? Public dungeons? Are you being proactive in your search? Spending your "single" time working on improving yourself for service? (Learning to cook, massage classes, CPR, etc..)

Regarding your profile:  All you talk about is sex, cuckolding, and the differences between men and women. Do you have a job? A family? A religion? Any hobbies? Pets? Do you have anything going for you besides the fact that you like to watch a woman fuck a guy? I’m looking for much more than that in a person.

I absolutely agree with this statement :
quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora
I'll add the fact that when I see someone is hypervigilant on ONE topic, they strike me as a fetishist. Fetishists are really annoying to me because it's ALL ABOUT THEM. And from the sounds of it, your post was all about you too.


I’d advise you to do some reading on the various "kink" threads here. Your fantasy of cuckolding comes across like many other submissive males. It’s your fantasy and your kink that you want fulfilled. Could you still love and serve and be dedicated to a Mistress who didn’t want to go out and screw other guys? Could you still be monogamous if she too wanted to be monogamous with you?
How is your insistence on a woman who will fuck around any different than another sub’s insistence on a woman who will use a strap-on on him, or cross-dress him, or use her crop on his ass every Thursday for 2 hours? Cuckoldry is your kink. It’s no different than any other kink that sub males step up to the plate expecting. Personal sexual kinks do not make up the meat of most power exchange relationships.

We Dominant women sit back and watch many submissives come and go. Many of them have a particular kink they want fulfilled. He wants strap-ons. He wants sissified. He wants cuckolded. He wants spanked. Presenting yourself as "I’m a good submissive. I want XYZ kink fulfilled." doesn’t impress us. In fact, many of us will tell you "If you are looking to have a specific kink fulfilled, you may want to see a Pro. That’s what they do. They specialize in fulfilling your kink."

You can’t use a masked statement like "I enjoy cuckolding because it puts my Mistress’s pleasure above my own." That’s dishonest and we see it for what it really is "I get off on my Lady fucking other men." For many of us, our pleasure is being sexually serviced by our sub. Or our pleasure might be not having sex at all. Or our pleasure might be (gasp!) giving you a blow job and fucking your brains out. You are assuming what a woman’s pleasure is, before you’ve even met the woman. Like any other kink, it’s dishonest to wrap up your cuckoldry desire in a neat little package, under the guise that it’s for someone else’s pleasure.

For the most part, we aren’t concentrating on finding a boy with a specific sexual fantasy he wants fulfilled. We’re looking at them as an overall person and how well they will do at stuff like service, dedication, putting our desires before their own, loyalty, pleasing us, intellectual conversation, family dynamics, etc... And many of us hold the opinion that anything kinky going on will be "extras" in the relationship.
You present yourself in your profile as someone who sees his personal kink as the be all – end all of a Mistress/submissive relationship. As long as she’s fulfilling your kink, you’re content.
Most of us are looking for a hell of a lot more than being a boy’s kink fulfillment.

Chew on that for a while, and good luck in finding what you really and truly want.



MistressLorelei -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 9:52:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyJo:

Perhaps someone who is looking to be a cuckold is looking in the wrong place when he looks to BDSM sites. I mean, one of the credos I was taught when I entered the larger scene back in the very early 1990s was communication and negotiation. Of course she is going to want to know more and look for more, she probably want to negotiate the terms of the relationship too.

Doesn't negotiation sort of strip the idea of cuckoldry away? I mean, the terms means being married to a woman who is unfaithful... couldn't you just get that via a vanilla relationship?

If you enter into a relationship where the woman is unfront about having sex with other men, how is that her being unfaithful? To what is she unfaithful if there was never an agreement to be faithful?


I don't know that I agree... at least in terms of bdsm and negotiation.  If a woman knows that the kind of relationship she desires will be of a cuckold nature, then finding a submissive male, who she thinks would, at least be open to the idea is a good idea.  Otherwise, seeking a vanilla male, promising to be faithful, and then surprising him with, 'now you shall be cuckolded' works well in theory.  It could work in this situation if the male happens to be submissive and is open to cuckoldry, but it could likely not work for a vanilla minded male who would want to end the relationship due to lies, deception, and the desire to cheat on him.

In the reverse a cuckold minded male seeking a vanilla woman would then likely become her "cuckoldress coach".... encouraging her to seek others, possibly assisting in this process.  That topping from the bottom situation isn't about being unfaithful either.

I know that I want the possibility of a cuckold relationship with the submissive male I make my own... so finding someone who is open enough to explore almost anything is important to me.  It is probably more likely that I will find a male with this mindset in the bdsm scene, than in the vanilla world.   It is definitely possible in the vanilla, but would take a while of getting to know someone, and to explore this option, to then months later realize he has no cuckolding potential, and is not open-minded in the realm of bdsm.

Edited to add:  
              I spoke with a  submissive male once upon a time, who made a comment that is spot on with the menality I am referring to.  He said, 'I hope the woman I fall in love with will be happy and fulfilled just with me, but is she feels that she needs something more and desires another,  I would defer for her happiness'.



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 1:46:42 PM)

Do you feel you are getting those platitudes yet?  Or maybe you just aren't getting the platitudes you thought you would.
I read your profile as soon as I read your post, and before I read any responses.  I don't know what you wrote before, but this one is not impressive to Me, nor, it seems, to most of the others.
This is all about you.  You even give a definition of cuckolding.  If you have to give a definition, as a submissive, then you don't have a lot of confidence in the Dominas who are reading your profile. We already know what it is.  And now you have made it absolutely clear that this is the only thing in which you are really interested and even offer a blueprint for  how it should be done.  *Sigh* 
Where is the rest of what you offer in a full relationship?
Yes, at this point, you are being unrealistic.  Go to a swing club and find a single lady who wants to screw her brains out, with your blessing.  As a Domina, if I was into cucking (I am not), it is a plus to know the boy is accepting of it, and even enjoys that kink, but I certainly don't need your blessing to do whatever I want to do.
Please rethink this limited approach.



anthrosub -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 3:29:43 PM)

I think finding someone for a relationship is accomplished by the two parties beginning a conversation and getting to know each other and out of that dialog, finding out things like: one likes to be Dominant and the other submissive...you both enjoy open ended conversation...you both like to go for a day trip and explore the area where you live...you both have had experiences in your respective lives that put you both on the same page so to speak...you both have an interest in exploring D/s activities...you both like broccoli...you are attracted to each other...etc.
 
For some strange reason, most people here are not engaging each other in this manner (or at least that's how it appears judging from the constant renewal of this question).  D/s profiles appear to be putting the cart before the horse in most cases or are simply focused on the fun without the foundation aspects that are vital for a relationship to take root.  It's really quite impossible to put it down to some specific reason but the outward result is there for all to see.
 
My personal take on the matter at this point and after 5 plus years of looking is that the Internet has infused the community with an enormous number of people, regardless of their stated orientation, who are in the process of sorting out what it is they are really looking for and how they think an online approach can help them.  The community that pre-dates the Internet's arrival are in the process of acclimating to this new medium and the new crowd it's let through the door.  I think it will be a number of years still before the dust settles and a new set of "rules of thumb" regarding people getting together successfully is identified and put into practice.  In the meantime, expect to see a continuance of people bumbling about trying to understand what's going on and how it's all supposed to happen.
 
anthrosub



LTRsubNW -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 3:35:59 PM)

Exceptional replies, thank you all.  A LOT of great insight I hadn't considered.

It's interesting, reading the papers, seeing someone's vantage point on a policy, politics, a govt. or managerial decision, and then watch the Sunday news shows do their backseat quarterbacking, never knowing much more than what was written in the papers (hence why I always enjoyed "The West Wing" show, because it at least purported to show some of the background of what "might" be happening behind the scenes), and while I know there's more depth behind my profile, what I want in a relationship and so on....reading my profile cold, that's not what comes across at all.

What comes across is exactly what almost every one of you ladies said comes across; not much but "me, me, me".

I'm glad I asked, and I'm extremely glad you all laid it on the line. 

You're right.

(Added:  Thank you :)  )



LTRsubNW -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 4:10:43 PM)

Just changed my profile based on everyone's comments.

Thank you all again :)



MsBlackheart -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 4:40:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

Most of us are looking for a hell of a lot more than being a boy’s kink fulfillment.



A-fucking-men.  The whole post.  Every word.

To every male sub/slave who is searching in vain:  Print this out several times over, stick it up over your bathroom mirror, your computer monitor, on your car's visor, and anywhere else you'll read it, and do that; read it, ten times a day.  It's a reality check worth cashing.

Damn.  That was good.



DivaZya -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/15/2006 10:48:57 PM)

The Dominas here told you true - I'm even local enough - Olympia - yet after looking at your profile, I'd pass it by. Because it's not only all about you - there isnt' enough about you - interests and experience, some indication of a personality and what you have to offer is always good - along with a smiling eyes and face pic!
Thank the Goddess for Proprietrix and yess, I'll be sending clueless males to her post!



LTRsubNW -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/16/2006 5:08:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DivaZya

The Dominas here told you true - I'm even local enough - Olympia - yet after looking at your profile, I'd pass it by. Because it's not only all about you - there isnt' enough about you - interests and experience, some indication of a personality and what you have to offer is always good - along with a smiling eyes and face pic!
Thank the Goddess for Proprietrix and yess, I'll be sending clueless males to her post!


I agree with everything said herein on all the posts, unfortunately, the pic can't be done.

I'm too well known in my industry, both locally as well as nationally.

It just doesn't go over well for a male sub to be out there handing out marching orders, being dominant in his field, giving talks to hundreds of engineers and executives and having a few who start the buzz..."hey, I've seen him before...yeah...that's the guy, he likes to get spanked and be ordered around..."

Most women in this lifestyle don't understand that nuance ("well...if they saw your picture, they were on this web site themselves!!!" or "what have you got to hide??"), and I can somewhat understand why...if they're on a site like this, men find them fascinating and vanilla women are at most, jealous of them.  It doesn't work that way for men. 

There is a double standard.  If I was someone who wasn't in authority, moreover, known nationwide in executive circles, my picture would be all over this site, unfortunately, that's not the case :(

I don't have anything to hide, people don't walk on the other side of the street and small children don't scream when I come towards them...but the knowledge that I was/am a sub in my circles just wouldn't go over well in my position.



MistressTheaZ -> RE: Am I being unrealistic? (6/16/2006 7:07:44 AM)

May I suggest, in that case, LTRsubNW, that you note within an inquiry to a Dominant that you have pictures to send at Her request, along with an accurate written description of your age and physical stats.

Many who have written Me in the past have noted this, or sent a photo privately when messaging or e-mailing with Me. The need for discretion is understood, but one must still be able to get to know you, after all.

I may point out from what you wrote here that you seem to presume being 'outed' as a Dominant Female wouldn't be damaging to Her vanilla career or reputation. You say it is likely found to be intriguing; let Me tell you, colleagues finding it 'intriguing' was definitely not My experience when it happened to Me. Whenever your professional circle overlaps your private life, there are bound to be judgements and at times, consequences, fairly deserved or not. 

~Thea



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