RE: Age and experience... (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

Darkfeather -> RE: Age and experience... (11/1/2012 10:55:48 AM)

Unfortunately, you are dealing with the written medium. When you are trying to engage a person purely by text, certain things hold a lot more weight than others. In person, you can use body language, vocal timber, etc. to try and engage a person to talk to you, but with words you deal with restrictions. The filter option for cmail is a great example. There, people can sort through responses purely on where you live, your physical attributes, or yes, your age. This is because everyone comes to the table with preconceptions, you are no different. It's human nature



OsideGirl -> RE: Age and experience... (11/1/2012 11:36:16 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi


Young people may have skill and strength, but they are usually too full of themselves to be a true leader. It isn't a slam, it's how our brains develop and personalities mature. It actually takes years of development to be able to self reflect enough to gain wisdom- people will less years alive aren't there yet. No shame there. Not to say that that maturity and leadership necessarily comes about with age, but there is more of a chance that it'll be there with someone older that realizes that they don't know everything.


Exactly. When I was new into this (late 20's) I probably would have been involved with someone around my same age. But, I also wouldn't have given over control of my entire life.



Toysinbabeland -> RE: Age and experience... (11/1/2012 12:05:51 PM)

Young people are wonderful, but might still want a justin bieber tattoo, later it just becomes
What the fuck was I thinking.
Experience is in some form, age.
Some older people never learn.
you can't teach an old dog new tricks (sometimes).
Heck, I can't program the espresso machine.
that is the beauty, there is something to be learned by almost everyone.



LonDom61 -> RE: Age and experience... (11/1/2012 12:10:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata


quote:

ORIGINAL: wulfelaw

When i first came across the term Dom, I obviously didn't know what it truly meant, and what all it entailed. Since then, however, I have grown, and I have learned what it means to be a true Dom and a True Master.

That you even imagine there is such a thing as a "True Master," let alone that you have learned what it is, should be cause for a good deal of humble reflection -- and ideally some embarrassment.

K.


So what`s your basis for assuming you know it now?


OP: You write well. You think. You have accumulated substantial life & lifestyle experience. That`s all good.

But if you`re claiming to be a `True Master`:

- when, after another 10 years of experience (life & lifestyle), you look back at that, will you say `yup. I was a True Master then. And I`m even Truer now.`?

- know that that term is generally derided. Why use a term that is, essentially, self-refuting? (Well, since you`re dealing with newbies or virtual newbies, maybe it will fly with them.)

= = =

Experienced Master
Careful Master
Observant Master
etc etc etc.

Any of those is fine. `Twoo`, er, I mean `True Master`?

The title itself has too much baggage.



Ànyone who says they understand Quantum Physics...doesn`t understand Quantum Physics.`
- Richard Feyneman,
physicist, professor, co-inventor of the nuclear bomb,
Nobel Prize winner (I`m not positive about the prize)




ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Age and experience... (11/1/2012 12:22:17 PM)

At 25, you have the experience you have, which no matter what you think, is not all that much. Because there really isn't any way to replicate life experience.

I'd stop worrying about being an experienced dominant or a "true" dominant and concentrate on being a good one. Good dominants are rare, no matter your age.

What it takes to be a good one you will have to figure out for yourself. There have been numerous thread on the subject in this forum. Learn how to use CM's clunky search feature, and do some reading. Also, getting into the local kink scene is crucial, b/c it's great to see good dominants in action, and I don't mean the dungeon (although that can be helpful too).

I mean observing how they interact with their sub on a day to day non-kink basis.

Relationship skills are also extremely important, and many supposed dominants and "masters" lack a great deal in this area. You can easily rise above the rest by being good at communicating, building trust, establishing a consensus, etc.

Knowing yourself is also pretty damn important. You know, to be a "master" -- master yourself first. This is impossible at your age, since you don't know who you are yet. (I know you think you do, but that's it, you just think you do. You need another 10-20 years to work that out.)

Lastly, as some others have mentioned, if the girls you are searching for are younger than you, just exactly how much experience do they think you should have? And I totally agree, just b/c someone is older, that doesn't mean they are better, or more experienced, or have mastered themselves, or are good at relationships, or anything. It just makes them older.





crazyml -> RE: Age and experience... (11/1/2012 1:51:22 PM)

quote:

A question for the ages... Does being older mean you have more experience, or that you are a better Dom/me or Master/Mistress?

I seem to come across that speed bump quite a bit. I'm 25, and have been involved with the Lifestyle for a little more than a decade. I started young, discovered early what I like, did my research and found like minded girls to explore ourselves with. When i first came across the term Dom, I obviously didn't know what it truly meant, and what all it entailed. Since then, however, I have grown, and I have learned what it means to be a true Dom and a True Master.

And here's the point where many say "Bullshit, you're only 25, you're not old enough."


Honestly? Now this is going to appear to be snarky, but I say it with sincerity and hope that you'll see what I'm trying to say...

I am thinking "Bullshit" at this point, yes; but it's not your age, it's the very idea that you can talk about having been involved in the Lifestyle for a little more a decade.

The next thing to cause my bullshit-o-meter to fire off was the "I've learned what it means to be a true Dom and True Master".

I want to put my 'fu kit on and say...

"C'mere Grasshopper, true enlightenment is knowing that you will never learn what it means to be a true Dom and True Master".

Firstly - What the fuck is a "True Master"?

.... I really am dying to know. I've been doing this shit for a little over 20 years (on account of not being as precocious as you evidently were) and I've come to shudder at the term "True" when pre-pended before "Dom", "Master" or "Slave". The reason I shudder is that I think they are terms that, when used generally, are utter, utter horseshit.

I believe there's a "true sub" out there... for me. My true sub. But I don't think there's any such thing as a "generally true sub". Can you see the distinction?

So, to be honest, you've kind of answered your own question. But there's a but.

Firstly, you've clearly got a head on your shoulders - you write pretty well, and while I do deplore your over-confidence, you do have a good clear idea about what you're after.

Secondly, age does not automatically confer experience (there are plenty of 50 y/old dudes out there with zero experience of the lifestyle.

Nor does it confer wisdom - Pop down to the Politics and Religion section to see evidence of that.

In short... there are so many middle-aged idiots out there, that (frankly) the ability to dress yourself, tie your own shoes and form a sentence already puts you way ahead of the pack.

I'd also say that it seems odd to me that you distinguish between "life experience" and "lifestyle experience", to me they're so interlinked that it seems plain absurd to separate them.

Finally... You're 25... you have a little'un, and you're looking for a sub and a slave as well?

That's a lot of responsibility, isn't it?

Do you think it might appear to be a little bit... well... greedy?

Have you seen how much trouble people have finding a third person to join a poly relationship?

Would you consider dialling your expectations back a bit?

As I've said... I hope you take this feedback in the spirit that it's intended.






theRose4U -> RE: Age and experience... (11/1/2012 3:11:17 PM)

The fact that you're 25, in kansas & still alive in my mind discounts "a decade of experience",spanking or tying up farmers daughters that young would have introduced you to non-consentual forcable sodomy with a shot gun!!

Divorce, drama, custody blah blah blah means you need to fix your own house before taking on someone else. God bless you really, I remember that 4x4 do or die move forward at all costs mentality...but its not conducive to mastering yourself, let alone anyone else.

Old souls don't realize what they shouldn't do till its in the rear-view. At your age I ran a large division of global 500, poly relationship & money to burn. Was top of the world until a near fatal accident changed everything. The lessons I learned from the autopsey were more valuble than what I thought I knew @ 25.

Women not falling for "blank slate mastery", are actually smart. Women asking specific questions about how long relationships have been, skills you have, mastery of yourself & your own life...are smart!! These are women worth your time getting to know instead of the defensive (& kind of girly) but I'm the master & know everything!! Would you submit to someone like that? Seriously if I said come live/work my ranch, you don't need to know anything about me, if your real & truly kinky you'll pack your bags & be here to help plow under on saturday. You'd at least ask what pay/living situation was, if you didn't just laugh out of principle!

To explain clearly you're prancing around like a yearling stud colt! Bellowing & whinneying to every female in ear shot what a stud you are...expecting people to see how bomb proof & collected you are. Its a failing of your being in peak breeding years trying to regain your ego after an ugly break up...it happens. The maturity comes from realizing its time to master yourself for a while.



wulfelaw -> RE: Age and experience... (11/1/2012 9:13:19 PM)

Thank you all... this (particularly the second page) was the type of feedback I was hoping for. There were many good points made that inspired some introspection. (I think we all would agree that, no matter one's age, wisdom or experience, introspection is always a good thing.) Now, if I may, I'd like to isolate a few things and offer my rebuttal/explanation.

NOTE*** The quotes below are made via copy/paste because I'm too lazy to work multiple quotes from multiple posts into one reply.

LonDom - "OP: You write well. You think. You have accumulated substantial life & lifestyle experience. That`s all good. But if you`re claiming to be a `True Master`: " (and this one goes to all mentions regarding my comment about a "True Master"...

I don't disagree with anyone saying that the term "true master" is innately asinine in and of itself. To that end, I will differ to LonDom's list of various, more appropriate substitutions. That being said, I would like to offer and explanation of my intent with using the term. A true master (to me at least), much like a master of a martial art, a master plumber/carpenter/electrician etc, is one who has mastered themselves, mind body and soul. Some who has put in time, effort, blood sweat and tears into mastering their craft to the part they are held apart from amateurs and apprentices. It is someone who truly understands that their path to perfecting their craft is never finished, and that they must always strive to better learn their craft and improve upon themselves. When someone truly understands this, then it is my opinion that they have truly mastered themselves, and, consequently, are better suited to truly Master their "true sub" (as Crazyml put it).

By the way, LonDom, I smiled a bit at your Quantum Physics quote... very apropos.

ChatteParfaitt - "I'd stop worrying about being an experienced dominant or a "true" dominant and concentrate on being a good one. Good dominants are rare, no matter your age." ... " Knowing yourself is also pretty damn important. You know, to be a "master" -- master yourself first. This is impossible at your age, since you don't know who you are yet. (I know you think you do, but that's it, you just think you do. You need another 10-20 years to work that out.) "

Again, I agree with you, but allow me to be very clear here. I never claimed to be a "true master," only that I believe I have come to an understanding of what it is. I fully admit that I am still working on me, still learning myself, and striving to be a good Dom. As I'm sure many of you are, I am my own worst critic. But, yes, I still have that youthful confidence that occasionally overrides logic and tells me that the reason I stink so bad is because I am, in fact, the shit. That, however, does usually come with a mental slap upside the back of my own head.

Crazyml - "Secondly, age does not automatically confer experience (there are plenty of 50 y/old dudes out there with zero experience of the lifestyle.

Nor does it confer wisdom - Pop down to the Politics and Religion section to see evidence of that.

In short... there are so many middle-aged idiots out there, that (frankly) the ability to dress yourself, tie your own shoes and form a sentence already puts you way ahead of the pack. "

Thank you, this was really the main point I was trying to make with my original post. It breaks my heart and infuriates me when I see an obvious and seriously misguided reverence given to those with many years under their belt, simply for the years themselves. In this case, age is in fact just a number, and I hate to see blind adoration given to a 50 y/o man that clearly does not have his shit together.

Finally... You're 25... you have a little'un, and you're looking for a sub and a slave as well?

That's a lot of responsibility, isn't it?

Do you think it might appear to be a little bit... well... greedy?

Ambitious? Yes. Greedy? Not the way I look at it. Yes, it is a tremendous amount of responsibility. That is not lost on me for one second. However, I do love the ideals of a 1950's household (I was raised in one by my grandparents). But, that style of living was born in an economic climate where the average man could afford to provide a generous of and life for his family, based on his income alone. Now, I'm not saying that can't still be managed today, but it is much more difficult, and nearly impossible with anything less than a Master's or Doctorate's degree (of which I have neither). It is far more common these days that both man and wife both must work to provide merely a comfortable living.

Personally, I am too ambitious to accept just a comfortable living. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking it for anyone, but I want to give more to my son (and any other children I may have). Now, I make a decent amount of money for my age, and I manage my money well (property, investments, retirements etc.) Couple that with a tertiary means of income, and I can do wonders. That being said, I don't feel it fair to expect my sub to work 40 hours a week and still have the house cleaned, kitchen stocked and dinner made every night without help. That's where the slave comes in. Now, I'm not going to go into extensive details of this dynamic, it would take way too long. Suffice it to say that I am well aware that it is in fact a tremendous amount of responsibility, the Dom/sub slave s a dynamic I am not unfamiliar with, that it takes a certain type of person to properly fill each of these roles, and that I am not jumping into it, or seeking this dynamic lightly.

I've written it in my profile, "when I choose to do something, I choose to do it very well." This is no different.

theRose4u - The fact that you're 25, in kansas & still alive in my mind discounts "a decade of experience",spanking or tying up farmers daughters that young would have introduced you to non-consentual forcable sodomy with a shot gun!!

This made me smile. Yes, I'm 25 and grew up in KS. BUT, although I was raised by a former rancher, I did not grow up on a farm or ranch. I grew up in the city, so the risk of Daddy peppering my tailgate wasn't nearly as high. Also, I forewent my "4x4 do or die move forward at all costs mentality" for one of "think before you act" around the time my son was born. I'm not saying I always adhere to it, every time, without fail, because that would be a damn lie. However, I do try to think things through before I make a decision and, i have found with each passing year, my decisions improve exponentially in quality and forethought.

Case in point... my (currently removed for revision) description of slave expectations... I was in a certain frame of mind, and didn't stop to re-read/edit what I listed. Obviously it struck chords I hadn't intended it to strike, I went back and read it and (as I mentioned before) mentally slapped the back of my head. Like I said, case in point, this is a prime example of failing to think before clicking the "update my profile" button.


Thank you all again for your two cents. As I said, I truly appreciate the inspired introspection. This is exactly what I meant in my original post when I said I'd love to pick the brains of those more experienced. It is my hope that, in 10-20 years, I will in turn be able to help a fledgling Dom on his path.



littlewonder -> RE: Age and experience... (11/1/2012 9:19:51 PM)

Good luck. You're gonna need it.



theRose4U -> RE: Age and experience... (11/1/2012 9:36:07 PM)

No problem wulf, always willing to consentually slap a cowboy...epecially when he needs it!!!

Something to also keep in mind as a parent...patterns & the way boys treat women follows daddy. A 2 (or 3if you add mom) female dynamic of respected, obedient to & dismissive of sets a very weird precident in a kids head. Recently had 4 young uns all male in the house & the difference between them "treating me like the others" & being able to stop negative behavior with "the look" was remarkable. Havinga woman in their life that FINALLY said what she meant & meant what she said was a revalation to them. Talking trash about momma no longer allowed, swearing, hitting & in one case spitting came to a screeching halt. Because dad didn't respect mom (or any other woman) they got warped idea about how to behave. Bless your heart but you're learning the hard way a strict 1950s model doesn't work. Just realize momma, girlfriend (sub) & nanny (slave) all being treated different is going to have much farther reaching consequences than satisfying your kink.



JeffBC -> RE: Age and experience... (11/1/2012 10:26:38 PM)

Wulfelaw:

I certainly agree that everyone gets to define their own desires and chase them as they see fit. Sadly, I can't agree that there is someone out ther who will fit the bill. Some of the things you mentioned are quite literally "not human". I'd also be very intrigued on how you were planning on accomplishing that "complete psych wipe". Was this surgical or perhaps some sort of electoshock therapy. And now that you have a vegetable you had some plan for reprogramming that now blank mind??? Medical science wants to talk to you because that's some cutting edge shit you're talking about. What you aren't getting is some of us take what we do seriously.

Next I wish to refer you to Crazy's commentary. There is no such thing as a "true master". You thinking there is brands you as a rank novice with zero actual experience out in the broader lifestyle pool. Sheez man.... I'm barely IN the lifestyle and I know that. I learned it in about 3 years give or take (1/3 your experience duration) and as I said, my engagement with the community is marginal. But you just go on with that idea of yours. We will all continue to laugh at it. The joke around here is we spell it "troo" or "twue" to indicate how silly it is.

I would advise you to actually thnk for a moment... With your brain I mean... About the actual behaviors of actual human beings. How might someone be "enslaved"? What does that even mean to you? Why would that happen (on both sides)? What actual psychology might be involved? What sorts of personalities might combine to make that occur? (hint: there is a LOT of permutations).

But hey... If all of that is too reality based for you NLP was big on here about a year or so ago. Read up on that then employ your newfound Jedi mind tricks to enslave some poor woman.




LillyBoPeep -> RE: Age and experience... (11/2/2012 2:34:16 AM)

Hello fellow Kansan!

I'm basically just chiming in in support of what crazyml said.
Age really does not automatically mean anything. With people discovering BDSM earlier and earlier, you can have a 28 year old with 10 years of "legal" experience. You can also have a 40 year old with 2 years of wanking and porn hypnosis.

While I tend to be mostly interested in older men, I've found that a lot of them LOOOOOVE to milk the "being older means I'm more experienced card" in order to horn in on younger, even-less-experienced women. And of course the double standard that always drives me CRAZY - being older and experienced is never a boon for a woman. For women, it's deemed "baggage" and something that must be "untrained" and "oh woe unto the UberMaster who might actually have to do some work!" =p Pfft.

I have met so many complete and utter nimrods, slackjaws, and closeted psychopaths from smack in the middle age category, I can't count them anymore. Age does not mean anything. What truly matters is how someone SPENT their time.

It does make sense to refine your expectations. Sometimes that is something that younger people are more prone to - incredibly high expectations that may not always be realistic. And no matter how you explain it, the "true master" moniker will just never fly. There aren't schools of accreditation and certification here, like with martial arts, or blacksmithing, or something like that. There is no way to literally EARN that sort of title, unless you're going through Leather, where they do have a clearer set of community-accepted traditions than typical BDSM communities tend to have.
All it does is make you come off as someone stuck in a fantasy world, or someone who is needlessly pretentious - if you just confer "true mastery" upon yourself, which no one, throughout history, in trades where such a level truly exists, was ever able to do. =p

But be prepared to run into "you're too young" a lot. The road is definitely difficult for younger male Doms. The older ones have peppered the road in front of you with all sorts of pits for you to fall into because you're their primary competition for the 18-22 year old girls many of them are flying after. But, like sexyred once again so well said, just approach women with confidence, character, and she specifically used the word "finesse" which is such a great choice of words -- your age won't matter when you represent yourself well.

Good luck. :)



NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Age and experience... (11/9/2012 9:33:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: wulfelaw

A question for the ages... Does being older mean you have more experience, or that you are a better Dom/me or Master/Mistress?

There is life experience and there is lifestyle experience. You can be in your 50s like me and have limited lifestyle experience, as I only discovered BDSM four years ago and have been a Domme for only about a year.

Also, if you've been in this for over ten years already, what sort of skills have you developed? I mean how to use things like, say, floggers, whips, wax play, and a gazillion other things. I think what people may be having problems with is the quote below:

quote:

ORIGINAL: wulfelaw
I'm 25, and have been involved with the Lifestyle for a little more than a decade.

According to this second quote, you apparently were involved in this stuff when you were in junior high. Is that true? If it is, 1. You still had an adolescent/read immature mind and 2. it's underage kink you're talking about. A lot of people have issues with the underage thing, including me. Actually, I think even discussing underage sex/kink is against the TOS of this site and I'm surprised this hasn't been pulled yet.

NBMG



DarkSteven -> RE: Age and experience... (11/9/2012 9:53:52 PM)

Being older DOES mean you have more experience. Not necessarily in the lifestyle, but in life itself. I've noticed that I'm calmer, more assured, and know what to do in situations much more than I was at 25.



prettypanda -> RE: Age and experience... (11/10/2012 2:02:37 AM)

I've been approached by a 54 year old "Dom" before, that supposedly had been in the lifestyle a good 12 years.
He told me that even though I was owned, and uninterested, I was in his service. He decided it so.
I think that story pretty much sums it up.

It's not impossible to be young and experienced, just a bit more unlikely.
But some people start early, and some people start late.
Some people have common sense, and some don't.

It's still a shame you get underestimated like that, of course.



LaTigresse -> RE: Age and experience... (11/10/2012 5:43:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

The one thing I find missing from young people is a sense of being humble or understanding that they could be wrong/mistaken. When you gain enough experience to become humble, realize you could be wrong from time to time, and see that there usually isn't a clear definition to anything, is when there is enough experience regardless of how many years you've been on the planet.

Young people may have skill and strength, but they are usually too full of themselves to be a true leader. It isn't a slam, it's how our brains develop and personalities mature. It actually takes years of development to be able to self reflect enough to gain wisdom- people will less years alive aren't there yet. No shame there. Not to say that that maturity and leadership necessarily comes about with age, but there is more of a chance that it'll be there with someone older that realizes that they don't know everything.


This is an excellent perspective.

Being young doesn't make anyone an idiot. Hell, we've had more than enough fabulous young people post on these forums to prove otherwise. Being older doesn't make anyone wise, just because. Similarly, we've seen on here, more than enough examples of that.

I love the part about humility. A person CAN be very self confident and self aware, and still have the humility to freely admit and openly discuss, their failings and screw ups. I believe Kana, and LadyP, are shining examples of M-types that have these traits in spades. Very few actually do. Most will spend more time talking about the stupid shit they've been able to make scores of hot women do, like it's some kind of difficult thing worth bragging about.

Hell, I am 50 and a half years old and, if I wanted to, I could hit downtown IC on a Friday night and come home with a carload. Haul them downstairs and teach them a whole new concept of depravity. But no thanks, been there done that, it's not worth doing let alone bragging about. Ask me how I get G.D. to put up with me for 22 plus years........now THAT is something to brag about!



JstAnotherSub -> RE: Age and experience... (11/10/2012 6:08:59 AM)

quote:

A question for the ages... Does being older mean you have more experience, or that you are a better Dom/me or Master/Mistress?


Sometimes it does. Sometimes it don't.

Next question?



thexxxxmaster -> RE: Age and experience... (11/10/2012 6:21:48 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: prettypanda

I've been approached by a 54 year old "Dom" before, that supposedly had been in the lifestyle a good 12 years.
He told me that even though I was owned, and uninterested, I was in his service. He decided it so.
I think that story pretty much sums it up.



Yep sums up a SINGLE individual's idea of Domination.

Adds nothing to the excellent posts, the total sum being zero.




thexxxxmaster -> RE: Age and experience... (11/10/2012 6:35:39 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: wulfelaw

A question for the ages... Does being older mean you have more experience, or that you are a better Dom/me or Master/Mistress?

There is life experience and there is lifestyle experience. You can be in your 50s like me and have limited lifestyle experience, as I only discovered BDSM four years ago and have been a Domme for only about a year.

Also, if you've been in this for over ten years already, what sort of skills have you developed? I mean how to use things like, say, floggers, whips, wax play, and a gazillion other things. I think what people may be having problems with is the quote below:

quote:

ORIGINAL: wulfelaw
I'm 25, and have been involved with the Lifestyle for a little more than a decade.

it's underage kink you're talking about. A lot of people have issues with the underage thing, including me. Actually, I think even discussing underage sex/kink is against the TOS of this site and I'm surprised this hasn't been pulled yet.

Correction: He is not talking about under age kink. Do you not understand the difference between someone stating a time frame and discussing a subject.

It's more surprising that your reading comprehension is closer to under age understanding than adult debate.



LaTigresse -> RE: Age and experience... (11/10/2012 6:45:44 AM)

And just in time to be a perfect example of a bad example....

Da da da daaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.0625