Type of Submission (Full Version)

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odd0bob0tie0up -> Type of Submission (11/1/2012 2:53:21 AM)


so after convincing myself to front the girlfriend about my Bondage desires [well desire to be tied down during foreplay/sex] I've had some time to think about it all.... and of course i have to buy some gear, nothing heavy just ankle to wrists cuffs, armature stuff, because she doesn't want to break the bed or anything.

so in my time waiting for money and gear I've been thinking of what I'm going to ask her to do, i got some great advice about taking it super slow the other day [DarkSteven, AthenaSurrenders TY guys]
this is in order to of course keep relationship healthy and not excluding her from my fantasies

so getting to the heart of what i want her to do, you see I'm ticklish, very sensitive, she can make me pull away and squirm with a touch on the thigh, after two years she has learnt that I'm not pulling away cause i don't like it, i enjoy her touch I'm just so sensitive

so i think i good place to start would be asking he would be to do all those things that make me pull away and what not, while being tied and cant stop it, and mix it in with a bit of sensual foreplay

So the above paragraph, is that a type of submission, is there anything significant about what I'm feeling, any comments, anyone experience similar sensitivity

[not sure how much of a question it is, I'm sort of getting to the bottom of my need for bondage, and typing it out has helped, if nothing else]



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 4:11:31 AM)

It all comes down to how you define words really.

You might not like this answer but in my mind, what you describe isn't submission unless it's something she wants you to do for her. IE. You can play at tickling and teasing together without it being submission, but if she is thinking 'This is what I want from him' then it is submission. Generally the term used for what you describe would be 'bottoming' because you are on the receiving end of the bondage/tickling but it is not really being done with that underlying power exchange.

I understand 'submission' to be more about the understanding between people than the actual act.

For example: I don't like receiving oral sex but he likes to give it. So if I lie back and let him, I'm submitting to his desires even though the act itself might not look submissive because I'm the one being pleasured. If he says 'while I'm at work today I want all the carpets shampooed' I'm submitting, even though eventually I would have done it anyway. If he says 'you haven't been taking enough rest, go take a hot bath and I'll make dinner' I'm submitting even though it's something I'm going to enjoy. If I hate the cane but bend over for it because he commands it, I submit.
On the other hand, if I say 'I'm horny, can I have a spanking please?' and he does it just to please me, that's not in itself submissive because I'm not doing it at his request or to serve him though he would enjoy it anyway. If I went to a play party and agreed to play with a friend and take a whipping and wear handcuffs I'm bottoming because I'm the one receiving the sensations but there's no underlying power - we're doing what we both want.

To make things more complicated the understanding in our relationship is that he is the boss and I am submissive all of the time - what he says goes.

But, after all that, it doesn't really matter. If you're enjoying it and she's enjoying it, it's all good, right? Don't worry about 'proper' submission or 'real' dominance or whatever other labels you might be concerned about. What matters is that everyone is getting their needs met. Your scenario sounds like a good beginner bondage scenario - heck, lots of places sell beginner bondage kits which include feathers and stuff for exactly this kind of play.



E2Sweet -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 4:51:14 AM)

A great rule of thumb is to remember to always put her before your kinks. I realize it should go without saying, but in this day and age, it's best to just say it. ;)

As you two commence to exploring together, if you communicate well with one another, you'll figure out the structure of the D/s aspect in terms of how far you'll be able to take it and everyone feel good about it. No need to worry about perfecting it right out of the starting gate. Have fun with it together, learn from one another, but don't take it all so seriously. There's no need to put a bunch of pressure on yourself or her to perform...



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 5:11:04 AM)

Sorry, having your wife do exactly what you want is not submission, in my mind. Toss out the 50 Shades book, stop relying on BDSM porn, and invest in some decent non-fiction BDSM books.

Here's a link to a thread about BDSm books.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/mpage_1/tm.htm

Then connect with your local BDSM community. This will help you see how other couples interact, and if you get lucky, you may find a mentor. Your wife could greatly benefit from a mentor that is frankly, not you. This is b/c her doing what you want is not her dominating you. It's not even close.

Now, I'm sure you're all happy and excited about this new step in your life, but you'd be far better off NOT scripting the scene and instead letting your wife take the lead. She will most likely respond to this request with: "I don't know what to do."

She should do what SHE wants. Sounds easy, right?

Actually, it's hard to take the dominant lead at someone else's suggestion. Many couples try this and fail. The only sure way to be successful us if this is something she wants, so that she is willing to invest some time and energy into discovering the answer to the question of what she wants to do with you.

While she is determining that, I would most strongly suggest you not pushing her.






E2Sweet -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 5:53:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

...Now, I'm sure you're all happy and excited about this new step in your life, but you'd be far better off NOT scripting the scene and instead letting your wife take the lead. She will most likely respond to this request with: "I don't know what to do."

She should do what SHE wants. Sounds easy, right?

Actually, it's hard to take the dominant lead at someone else's suggestion. Many couples try this and fail. The only sure way to be successful us if this is something she wants, so that she is willing to invest some time and energy into discovering the answer to the question of what she wants to do with you...



I agree. It's a real challenge to have a blank slate in terms of what you can do with/to a partner if you first do not know what some of the real world possibilities are. Non-kinky women are not automatically going to know logistically what to do with a newly-confessed submissive partner. She will need to be exposed to what some of those possibilities are, and from there, she can begin to determine what she might want to do and not do with/to you.



odd0bob0tie0up -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 6:03:53 AM)

I'm going to start by saying, i love how active these message boards are..people take time to prepare responses and i appreciate all of them

secondly i feel compelled to apologise, i generally like to research things before opening and obviously haven't done my homework on Subs/doms/ etc etc, probably 5 mins of reading and i would have found out where i actually sit in the scale [thanks again message board users]

3rd'ly i took the step to update my grotesque profile, a relic of a younger past that, all seems stupid now.

if am grasping this correctly, in my sleepy state, i want to bottom with my girlfriend, to appease my love of restraint[or some such sexual fetish i have]
reading the definitions or roles i can probably say I'm no where near being a sub at this point. and she probably has no interest in dom'ing,

while i am mostly satisfied with the missionary sex, and the occasional oral i give here, my mind still wanders, i want to be tied down and what not [ not going into too much detail ]. its been hard enough to talk to her about it, i just want to do right by her, and she seemed accommodating enough when i did finally bring it up




AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 6:19:47 AM)

Yes that's what it sounds like to me. And let's make this clear: There is nothing wrong with being a bottom. Being a sub or a slave isn't 'better' than being a bottom, just different. You will sometimes come across people who have a weird sort of D/s snobbery.

Look at it this way. If she walked into the bedroom and said 'tonight you're going to dress up as a firefighter and carry me around the bedroom, before giving me a nice massage and then maybe we'll have sex' how would you respond? Would you find pleasure in that even though it isn't your thing? Do you wish to obey her commands? How would you feel about being bossed around in the bedroom every day but only getting bondage once a week? Would you have fun or feel happy to serve her those other times, or just put up with it to get what you want? And then beyond the bedroom, how would you feel if she told you to go scrub the bathrooms before dinner? Or that you had to ask her permission to masturbate or spend money or go out with your friends?

If that's the kind of set up you want you may be a sub. If you just want your kinky fun bondage your way, that's fine too as long as you're both enjoying it. But it sounds like she will be acting out your requests rather than domming you.



odd0bob0tie0up -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 6:28:03 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

Yes that's what it sounds like to me. And let's make this clear: There is nothing wrong with being a bottom. Being a sub or a slave isn't 'better' than being a bottom, just different. You will sometimes come across people who have a weird sort of D/s snobbery.

Look at it this way. If she walked into the bedroom and said 'tonight you're going to dress up as a firefighter and carry me around the bedroom, before giving me a nice massage and then maybe we'll have sex' how would you respond? Would you find pleasure in that even though it isn't your thing? Do you wish to obey her commands? How would you feel about being bossed around in the bedroom every day but only getting bondage once a week? Would you have fun or feel happy to serve her those other times, or just put up with it to get what you want? And then beyond the bedroom, how would you feel if she told you to go scrub the bathrooms before dinner? Or that you had to ask her permission to masturbate or spend money or go out with your friends?

If that's the kind of set up you want you may be a sub. If you just want your kinky fun bondage your way, that's fine too as long as you're both enjoying it. But it sounds like she will be acting out your requests rather than domming you.



Once again, you have given me a clarity of thought i could not have found any where else. short answer is no, i don't feel being a sub would be for me, an evening perhaps but not really.

kinky fun bondage. is probably where i'll leave it sit in my head, cause thats what would like us both to enjoy.
i don't think she could domme me and more than i could her.

And if more comes out of it, well, i suppose you guys probably be here :P if i need to straighten my thoughts out again




theRose4U -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 8:47:09 AM)

Honesty I think the ONLY THING that will get you past this tie me, whip me & call it sub fantasy you have built in your head...is for her to truly domme you. Tie you up, treat you like a bitch & leave your horney little ass to suffer. Funny thing about women with bossy bottoms...they either finally unleash months of rage from "trying to make you happy" or they dump your ass!! (Hopefully untying you first)

You've got to let this whole "what should she do after I'm tied up" fantasy go!!! If you want her to be comfortable & enjoy this life at all INVEST IN A GAG & USE IT!!! Getting to the point I'd almost come out & teach her just to not have to listen to do me do me do me, its all about me anymore!!



OsideGirl -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 8:50:59 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Sorry, having your wife do exactly what you want is not submission, in my mind.




Nope, it's bottoming in a BDSM scene. It's not submitting.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 9:50:11 AM)

Heres some very important things to keep in mind.

You have been fantasising for years about this, she is brand new.

In your head you have gotten more and more extreme to get the same rush. Having the woman you are emotionally connected to do something as simple as a bit of tickling is going to be more intense than most of your more extreme fantasies. So, dont think of it as going slow, this is real and thus brand new to you too.

Lastly, the more you take her needs into consideration, the more you work to make it hot for her, the more you will get out of it.



odd0bob0tie0up -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 1:40:03 PM)

I think I'm armed with enough info now, that i can better get this going. and still maintain a quality relationship. i'll most likely be spending the next week trying to fiure a way to best make what i have mind for a simple play, work for her...



theRose4U -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 2:07:40 PM)


quote:

. i'll most likely be spending the next week trying to fiure a way to best make what i have mind for a simple play, work for her...


You seriously don't listen do you?? [sm=diethreaddie.gif][sm=doghouse.gif][sm=diethreaddie.gif]



odd0bob0tie0up -> RE: Type of Submission (11/1/2012 2:17:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U


quote:

. i'll most likely be spending the next week trying to fiure a way to best make what i have mind for a simple play, work for her...


You seriously don't listen do you?? [sm=diethreaddie.gif][sm=doghouse.gif][sm=diethreaddie.gif]



no it probably that i don't use message board alot and don't word myself correctly, or i try to be too casual about what i'm saying and probably shouldn't have said it, i'm just trying not to over think things atm.

she probably not going to to take the lead, she is not going to fulfil all my needs at once, i still have to sell the idea to her, she is doing it for me, i only imagine after along time might it come close if at all.
but thanks for your feed back anyway



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