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LadySonelle -> RE: Insecurities (11/7/2004 10:43:07 AM)
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Many submissives, as children or young persons, have been abused, or had their trust damaged in some way. In fact, some subs seek BDSM as a way of resolveing such issues, albeit subconsciously.
I would posit that, when a person is a child, they are being formed slowly, like clay, into a shape or vessel... when a parent or other adult damages them, either by over discipline, by belittling or even molesting them, part of their being "hardens" inside, like a strangely shaped basalt formation. As the abuse continues, the hard place may change shape, like wind scoured stone, but it exists to protect the inner child.
As life goes on and the person grows, other layers are added, softer layers and more lush, fertile substrata form. When the person gets into BDSM, the process of intense submission rips the layers away, again exposing the hard formation. Nobody knows quite what to do with it!
Many times, the submissive her/himself doesn't even know that the formation existed! A good Top can recognise the presence of such jhardened and calcified issues, and the protective layers they represent, and begin to work with the sub to address them.
The last thing a Dom/me should do is ridicule or minimise these issues! The more deeply buried a thing is, the harder and stronger it tends to be. Often, the issue is serious in size, but rather small or trivial in its beginnings. That is NOT to say it is unimportant! Not at all! One sub I know had a nasty issue around abandonment. Turns out it all stemmed from parents who repeated over and over "If you don't behave, we'll give you back to the Indians!"... it was said in jest, but the child, not knowing, took it in dead earnest and suffered for *years* over it!
Often, the first impulse of the Dom/me when confronting such buried formations, issues, is to simply smash them, either with physchological force or forcible logic, et cetera. "What? Don't be ridiculous! You're not fat!" "Oh, come on! Nobody is going to give you to Indians!" etc. If such tactics worked, they would have already been used. The best way to remove such formations is by slowly melting them away *with* the submissive's own work. Since such hardened formations are often what is "holding her/him upright", the sub may actually be terrified to letting them go! They are, after all, protection of a sort.
Gentle reassurance, discussion after the scene is over, persistent reminding ("NO, what you are saying is a tape your father planted in you. Listen to yourself and reason yourself out of this. You are not a slut. That was your father projecting his own desires onto you.") and deconstructing the damages done is the way to go. The process takes patience and repitition. You may have to repeat the same reassurances over and over and over and over! This is not because the submissive is stupid, it is because the damage done in the past is *part* of the framework which is holding her/him upright! It is a psychological coral reef. To dismantle it exposes the fragile inner workings and the sub must re-build better coral to replace the stunted formations. That takes time.
How long can it take? Years, sometimes. Now and then, you may hit a buried landmine and sometimes it can get scary... but when that happens, the explosion or meltdown can be beneficial in the long run because it softens areas around it. It takes time, study, commitment, empathy and patience patience patience from the Dom/me! My own dear sweet sub now stands strong, confident and tall. It took us some 15 years to finally sweep away all the damage. When we first met, she was wilted, ashamed of herself, apologising for everything, including the weather! Today she is courageous, bold and knows, bone deep, that she is a GOOD person! My work? No. HER work? No. *OUR* work? Most definitely!
And at its heart, for many, that is ultimately what BDSM is all about!
Lady Sonelle
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