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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/16/2006 5:37:47 AM

SeekingaServant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Unfallen

As a Master, I would have a problem with a sub doing that to me. I would consider talking to your vanilla lover about some of the "softer" sides of BDSM. I assume he know that you are in the Lifestyle? If so, then it would not surprise me that he is considering being submissive. If not, then consider weaning him in (Soft bondage, a little hair pulling, etc) to see how he reacts.

Yes, the half way vanilla lover does seem to enjoy some of the softer sides. I introduced him yesterday to a little light ball spanking, he didn't cry. Its a good first step.

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/16/2006 5:45:29 AM

SeekingaServant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadamShy

after sex that is also great and exhausting .. I don't want to play More I need a down time ... I'm nor Dominate nor submissive after a good orgasm ... Im just recuperating LOL ...

maybe its same for him ...

*edited to make the quote smaller*

it does not sound like a control thing to Me but more like a truth what he is feeling

by the way does your Non BDSM lover know about this side play toy?

I am always appriciative when they feel free to be that honest. I do think its a mix of control, getting his kink on, and a little about exhaustion. But, I'm leaning more toward helping him to explore the total package of submission...that it doesn't end after sex. I enjoy the lifestyle and sex is a part of it, but it isn't the begining and the ending. I am willing to give him another chance but I'm also keeping the orgasm out of the equation this time.
Yes, my nilla lover knows about all my lovers. I hide nothing, I find that it interfers in life too much if I have to spend half the time remebering the different lies you have to tell to cover things up. Plus, he really enjoys hearing all about how the others satisfied me. Thats why I think my nilla lover is leaning toward cuck and submission. We've been together almost a year now, but he knows the limits on our relationship and that he is just a lover, not a collared keeper. I could never settle into a permanent relationship unless my partner fully understood, accepted and participated in the lifestyle. Its part of who I am, and not something I could stop doing or stop being. I hope that he can explore his submissive side, but I also am realistic...you can not force someone into the lifestyle and you can't change the core being. He is, however, a great way to pass the time and we both enjoy our limited relationship while knowing it for what it is.
:)

< Message edited by SeekingaServant -- 6/16/2006 5:52:48 AM >

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/16/2006 5:49:34 AM

SeekingaServant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyJulieAnn

I would also suggest that this might be the case. When he says he isn't submissive, what does that mean? What do you expect of him after sex that would make it an issue? Some people just need time to process everything that has happened after a scene and intense sex. Some enjoy cuddling and others need space.

At least he can express his feelings to you. I would encourage you to sit down and discuss your expectations and whether his issue is something you can live with.

Be well,
Julie

For the most part, I want them to clean me and themselves up afterward and then leave me the heck alone. I expect them to go about their other duties as soon as a suitable time period has passed. I am not without some sympathy about energy and exhaustion.

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/16/2006 11:36:42 AM

cloudboy

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quote:

Should I be understanding? or should I kick his ass out the door? Should I put him in chastity and just not let him cum, if he is going to stop being submissive after cumming?

FYI: No one is submissive all the time. All subs, slaves, and whoever need a break.

Women who don't understand that a man's mood changes from pre to post orgasm don't really understand men very well. After sex, most partners relax and enjoy one another. There's nothing in the Mistress Manual that says you have to be dominant and in control of every moment in a relationship.

My advice: strive for a union, don't obsess over D/S dynamics when sometimes they need a rest.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 6/16/2006 11:38:45 AM >

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/16/2006 12:08:00 PM

iliv2servher

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quote:

For the most part, I want them to clean me and themselves up afterward and then leave me the heck alone. I expect them to go about their other duties as soon as a suitable time period has passed. I am not without some sympathy about energy and exhaustion.

OK, so if you understand and accept this behavior, then what more can you hope to achieve from your question?

The problem that I had after reading your post was that he couldn't have picked a worse time to tell you that. Some people have no finesse.

I believe that a sub/slave can still be of service even after an orgasm.

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/16/2006 5:11:11 PM

SeekingaServant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: iliv2servher

OK, so if you understand and accept this behavior, then what more can you hope to achieve from your question?

The problem that I had after reading your post was that he couldn't have picked a worse time to tell you that. Some people have no finesse.

I believe that a sub/slave can still be of service even after an orgasm.

Generally I ask questions on here to help me work things out. I talk about them with others who have gone through similar situations, and I think about how things did or didn't work for me in this situation. It gives me space and time to really delve into an issue....by the time the thread is done, I have gotten valuable input as well as thought the issue through for myself.

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/17/2006 12:58:11 AM

MisPandora

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Seeking --

It sounds as though you have zero experience when it comes to being a fem dom. I find it rather impossible to talk you through how to develop the psychological mindset to deal with, screen, negotiate and inspire these gentlemen, if they're in fact, submissives. You clearly seem to need more experience under your belt before you go walking a tightrope with absolute beginners!

I strongly suggest that you get involved with a local BDSM group and find yourself a mentor where you can learn skills safely and have someone to consult when you run into these situations.

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/17/2006 6:51:09 PM

SeekingaServant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

Seeking --

It sounds as though you have zero experience when it comes to being a fem dom. I find it rather impossible to talk you through how to develop the psychological mindset to deal with, screen, negotiate and inspire these gentlemen, if they're in fact, submissives. You clearly seem to need more experience under your belt before you go walking a tightrope with absolute beginners!

I strongly suggest that you get involved with a local BDSM group and find yourself a mentor where you can learn skills safely and have someone to consult when you run into these situations.

I don't understand where you would get that from...but I respect your right to have your own opinion.
My experience with being a Mistress is not the same as the next persons...each person has a different level that they explore. What I do with my slaves and submissive may be vastly different from what others do with theirs. I come on here seeking valuable opinions to help me explore myself.
I have met other Mistresses in r/l to exchange information and get to know different techniques and styles...but like I've stated somewhere before, I live in a tiny town(less then 2,000)...my options for real life encounters are severly limited. I generally have to go far out of town to find others who live the lifestyle, which is why I find it easier to ask some of my questions on here. I get a more immediate response as well as a varied one. Different kinks for different folks.
Please feel free to express yourself as to what ways your Domme experience and choices are different from mine. I always seek understanding and more knowledge.

< Message edited by SeekingaServant -- 6/17/2006 6:52:17 PM >

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/19/2006 6:39:08 AM

SeekingaServant

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I'm still interested in the question...what should I do? I think the thing that frustrated me the most, aside from his bringing it up at the moment of orgasm... is that I enjoy the control of afterwards as much as I enjoy the control of before and during. I don't think its outside of my rights to dictate how and when the slave leaves after sex. If I want him to clean me up, he should be happy to do so...if I want to cuddle, he should be please to serve me. If I want him to get the heck out, he should do that. Am I being unreasonable, normal, insensitive, or overlysensitive?

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/19/2006 6:49:41 AM

BlkTallFullfig

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingaServant
I'm still interested in the question...what should I do? I think the thing that frustrated me the most, aside from his bringing it up at the moment of orgasm... is that I enjoy the control of afterwards as much as I enjoy the control of before and during. I don't think its outside of my rights to dictate how and when the slave leaves after sex. If I want him to clean me up, he should be happy to do so...if I want to cuddle, he should be please to serve me. If I want him to get the heck out, he should do that. Am I being unreasonable, normal, insensitive, or overlysensitive?

You are not being unreasonable in knowing what you want, but you are being unreasonable and unwise if you think you will change his mind by giving him what he wants up until the point of his orgasm.
I can hardly believe the same woman with this

quote:

Seeking a man commited to the idea that I am superior in everyway to him. He must be submissive to me and any lovers I bring into the house. I am the alpha, my lovers are the betas, and you my dear sub will be at the very bottom.

in her profile, a good amount of experience, has these questions. M

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/19/2006 6:54:25 AM

LadyHugs

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Dear SeekingaServant, Ladies and Gentlemen;

For me, I do not have sex with slaves or submissives. If they want to serve me it is my way and sex is not a reward or expectation. I find that men who have sex on the brain or use it as a manipulation tool, is no different than the old excuse of women, not wishing sex of complaining about a headache. Manipulation is manipulation. When serving has 'conditions' on it, especially sex and other restrictions, with the exception of kids, critters, drugs, etc., It is evident in my mind's eye, that it is all about sex.

If I feel that a slave deserves sex, I'll give him some on his birthday or maybe Christmas but, I won't tell him so I am not held to the bargain.

However, you need to make a choice on how you wish to be treated. You teach others how to treat you. One reason why I am not popular is because I don't spread my legs for anybody and others can be deemed an easy lay but--not me, so other than personals like this from those out of the area, just quit trying--saves me a lot of grief from horny men and leave room for the sweet slaves and submissives.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/19/2006 3:55:23 PM

TexasMaam

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lololol Ron!

Noooo, after sex men don't go to sleep and women don't pine.
After sex, the boy gets a brief rest.
Then the Domme engages him in sex again.
And again.
And again.
Then the Domme sleeps, and the boy passes out from sheer exhaustion.

As for the OP:

Don't let him cum.

At all.

And if he can't hold it, punish him with a good 52 licks of a dressage whip on the bottoms of his bare feet if he's arrogant enough to cum without your permission. He won't be so anxious to override your directive not to cum next time.

See how long he'll serve you without ever being allowed to orgasm in Your presence.

That usually seperates the real time submissives/slaves from the wannabes.

Once he's proven himself worthy of serving You, you can always reward him with an orgasm at some later date, but only if he proves to be more than a sexual submissive.

Texas Maam

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 6/19/2006 3:56:40 PM >

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/19/2006 7:30:49 PM

UtopianRanger

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quote:

What happens after sex?

Well.... I get her up and convince her to go on a three mile walk with me and dogs ; }

- R

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/19/2006 7:45:09 PM

SeekingaServant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

However, you need to make a choice on how you wish to be treated. You teach others how to treat you. One reason why I am not popular is because I don't spread my legs for anybody and others can be deemed an easy lay but--not me, so other than personals like this from those out of the area, just quit trying--saves me a lot of grief from horny men and leave room for the sweet slaves and submissives.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

Thank you for your input. I've read several of your posts on other boards and I always enjoy reading them and thinking them through.
Its still too difficult to mix the sub with the sex. Though for me, the temptation is great. There is just something so appealing about their eagerness and willingness to serve. It is hard to seperate the sexual appeal from the service, at least for me it is. Maybe its because I am still a little young. Thats why its so important for me to reach out to other more experienced Mistresses, to learn and expand.
Thanks once again. :)

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/19/2006 7:53:58 PM

SeekingaServant

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quote:

You are not being unreasonable in knowing what you want, but you are being unreasonable and unwise if you think you will change his mind by giving him what he wants up until the point of his orgasm.
I can hardly believe the same woman with this

quote:

Seeking a man commited to the idea that I am superior in everyway to him. He must be submissive to me and any lovers I bring into the house. I am the alpha, my lovers are the betas, and you my dear sub will be at the very bottom.

in her profile, a good amount of experience, has these questions. M

When I wrote my profile I had all the time in the world to revise it and revise it to truely capture my intent. However, when one writes these posts sometimes a faster response is required. True I can go back and edit, and have on many occasions, but its not the same.
I find the written word is sometimes so wonderful when it comes to expressing your mind, but at times it can be incredibly difficult to use as a sole means of communication. Its impossible to read tone, body language and expressively arched eyebrows when it all comes down to black and white words.
Though there are days when I am wise beyond my years, there are also days when I'm a complete noob. I'm human. Just because I carry myself in a dominate and leading role doesn't mean I think I am infalliable. I am more then willing to admit that I will always need to learn more. This does not make me less of a Mistress. This makes me a realist.

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/19/2006 10:52:42 PM

MisPandora

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
I can hardly believe the same woman with this
quote:

Seeking a man commited to the idea that I am superior in everyway to him. He must be submissive to me and any lovers I bring into the house. I am the alpha, my lovers are the betas, and you my dear sub will be at the very bottom.
in her profile, a good amount of experience, has these questions. M

That was how I came to the conclusion that I did.......

_____________________________

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Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/19/2006 11:40:09 PM

SeekingaServant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
I can hardly believe the same woman with this
quote:

Seeking a man commited to the idea that I am superior in everyway to him. He must be submissive to me and any lovers I bring into the house. I am the alpha, my lovers are the betas, and you my dear sub will be at the very bottom.
in her profile, a good amount of experience, has these questions. M

That was how I came to the conclusion that I did.......

I guess I just don't understand. I came here with an open mind and a willingness to be honest about my experience, limitations, knowledge AND lack of knowledge.
There are no stupid questions...if you aren't free to ask them, how do you grow?
Your entitled to your opinions, and no one can argue or change them. I'm going back to reading, not writing until such time as I see fit. I can still learn alot of valuable things, without having to be put down by a fellow kinkster.

< Message edited by SeekingaServant -- 6/19/2006 11:47:54 PM >

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/19/2006 11:54:28 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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Your question isn't stupid.
I think it's important to figure out who you are, what you want and your boundaries; and a good way to do that is to have people with experience to talk to, and pay attention to your gut feeling.

We've told you essentially how we feel... Don't deal with someone who stops being respectful/obedient once he cums, unless you like that kind of behavior.

quote:

He's conditionally submissive....sexually submissive....and it's about HIS orgasm. If you can live with that......well, by all means, live with it. That doesn't work for me personally.

You could either keep him and follow TexasMaam's prescription

quote:

Don't let him cum.
At all.
And if he can't hold it, punish him with a good 52 licks of a dressage whip on the bottoms of his bare feet if he's arrogant enough to cum without your permission. He won't be so anxious to override your directive not to cum next time.

See how long he'll serve you without ever being allowed to orgasm in Your presence.

That usually seperates the real time submissives/slaves from the wannabes.

Or you could lose him and find someone more compatible in terms of mutual desire.
If on the other hand you care for him, and the only issue is that he needs a little downtime after cumming, allow him that and than carry on. M

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/20/2006 12:24:26 AM

michaelGA2

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i would like to make a suggestion here, if i may. although my experience has been thus far strictly online, i think that, bringing him to the edge, then stopping for the night (perhaps several nights) would show him who truly is in charge.

i mean, even if You brought him to the edge several nights in a row and stop, adding a restriction to him where he's not allowed to (i dislike this word) cum, even in Your absence, would get Your point across and make him more submissive and, in fact, be begging for relief.

just my opinion, Ma'am.

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RE: after-sex...what happens? - 6/20/2006 2:03:23 AM

MadameCherrie

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You could be talking about my former pet, he did not feel submissive after sex, and wanted to leave but kept coming back it drove me crazy until I decided that I would not allow him to cum, we could have sex but he knew that having an orgasm would result in severe punishment. I will admit that at first he did not believe that I would punish him that seriously but he soon learnt his lesson. I found that coupled with prolonged chastity worked very well to keep him in the submissive mind set.

I'm not sure if that helps you or not but it's my $.02 worth.

Cherrie

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