middle ground between instant sub and tease?

middle ground between instant sub and tease? (Full Version)

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cordeliasub -> middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 3:20:55 PM)
I normally try to frame my questions all sweetly and poetically, but I will just jump in here. After a long marriage to a passive man, some experimenting, etc.....I began a vanilla relationship with my previous Sir that then became D/s. Yeah, though the relationship lasted almost a year in many ways I am a newbie. When we realized the distance was going to be an issue that would need some relief, we discussed local play partners, and I joined another site. I have this...people pleaser/don't want to hurt someone's feelings thing that I realize now is a bad trait to have. Someone messaged me who seemed experienced, and within 24 hours somehow I was stupid enough to find myself on the phone with him, he was calling me slut and whore and asking me to put my finger in my anus and eat the residue (which I did not do). When he asked me if my teenage daughter might be submissive too my niceness was overtaken by my "oh no you did not!" and I cut him off and blocked him. Of course then I was a tease who had read Fifty Shades one too many times. Well, it got me into trouble again. I just cannot jump into an immediate conversation about my hard limits and whether or not I am allowed to wear panties on the second message. And if there isn't attraction of some sort I just can't make myself open up. Maybe that is "too vanilla" of me but there it is. I know what I want. I am submissive by nature and lovd serving and obeying Sir...but we had a real foundation of trust. This time, again, when I finally said "you know, I just don;t think so," there was that same, snarky, "that's what comes of bored vanilla women on the internet" remark. I want honest feedback. Is that really how it is? I admit to being naive about this. One of the things that gave me an eye roll about those ridiculous novels was the idea that a man meets a woman and two days later he's handing her a contract. But maybe it does work that way? Is there such a thing as talking, connecting, attraction and THEN embarking on the D/s relationship? I am not a tease. I am not wired that way. But I do not have the "instant sub" gene either.

Baroana -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 3:26:59 PM)
Fucking teases piss me off.

OsideGirl -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 3:34:31 PM)
I told every person that I spoke to that I wasn't going to discuss my sexual preferences and/or sex life with a stranger. While I might discuss very general things about my views on D/s and BDSM, it wasn't going to be me giving out detailed information. I held that boundary firm. If they weren't willing to respect that, the conversation ended. I didn't give a crap what they called me. They're strangers on the internet. I also told the guys I agreed to meet that there would not be any sex or play on the first meeting. Again, if they didn't like that, I moved on. If you don't develop boundaries of what you consider acceptable and enforce those boundaries, you're going to have a miserable experience trying to find a partner.

cordeliasub -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 4:01:35 PM)
Thank you for the thoughts, and I agree. When you have exchanged a few messages with someone and...it just isn't there, how do you put that? I hate to just say, "ya know, not interested." But trying to ease out nicely seems to have been my downfall.

OsideGirl -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 4:05:50 PM)
Just like that. "I'm sorry. I'm not feeling a connection. I don't think we're a match. Good luck in your search." Be prepared that some guys don't take rejection well. They will hurl insults, demand explanations and try to convince you otherwise. The reality is that if they react that way, they've just proven you right. Stick to your guns, don't reply and block them.

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 4:09:55 PM)
I understand where you are coming from...my previous Dom said that I didn't have a backbone & that was one of his jobs (to make me stand up for myself with people other than him). I, too, have the "don't want to hurt anyone's feelings". Remember that even though the Online relationship is a little backwards (you state what you want upfront & then "the nice to meet you". The best way to look at it is put on your profile all the stuff you want a potential partner to know-what lifestyle activities you like or are interested in, which ones are open to discuss and which ones are "no way, no how, uh uh". I view it in a strange "contract negotiation" manner. First is the "advertisement/request for offers meeting a certain criteria", second- an interested party presents what he has to offer/why he should be considered. Third-hash out terms and conditions, fourth-meeting of the minds. So, posting what you want from a Dom, what he can expect from you...is nothing more than a "request for reasonable offers". When someone contacts you, be a shrewd negotiator...neither one of you will be satisfied if there are misunderstandings or misrepresentations so you operate on EQUAL grounds (he is not a Dom and you are not a sub) you are two people trying to reach an agreement. This can be a lengthy "courting" interaction (it is for me). This is where I ask and find out about him as a person & I present, honestly, what I am. I find out if he potentially has characteristics & qualities I am seeking and he does the same with me. Caveat-none of your interaction at this point needs to be outside of email. He does not need your cell number to text, your Yahoo ID to IM... I am straight up about this with men--to me getting to the IM or text stage is like getting a third job interview and now you are meeting the corporate president. Good luck!

Kana -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 4:18:29 PM)
quote: When he asked me if my teenage daughter might be submissive too my niceness was overtaken by my "oh no you did not!" and I cut him off and blocked him Nah dude, this ain't about you (Other than maybe being a good parent), no matter how much he may try and make it. It's that he's a creepy bitch. Don't go owning his shit. He's snot worth it. You just ran across a net freak, that's all. Don't let it bring you down. Carry on as before, same if you had a bad first date. That's all.

poise -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 4:42:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cordeliasub Is there such a thing as talking, connecting, attraction and THEN embarking on the D/s relationship? You know that there is. It's exactly what happened with you and your Sir. I began a vanilla relationship with my previous Sir that then became D/s. quote: ORIGINAL: cordeliasub But I do not have the "instant sub" gene either. And yet... Someone messaged me who seemed experienced, and within 24 hours somehow I was stupid enough to find myself on the phone with him, he was calling me slut and whore and asking me to put my finger in my anus and eat the residue (which I did not do). You may not have the instant sub gene, but it seems to me that you are far too eager to get that relief that you and your Sir are seeking out locally, that you aren't making informed decisions on who you connect and interact with. Anyone on the internet can call themselves a Dom and claim to be experienced. As Osidegirl mentioned, you need to set boundaries for yourself, and be firm in them. I would also suggest you get involved with your local community. Best of luck to you.

cordeliasub -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 6:24:58 PM)
That is a very good point, poise. Apparently there are man who want to take their time building trust, and though I cannot control how someone else proceeds, I can certainly set my own boundaries and control how I proceed. Needed that little kick actually. Just because I have boundaries does not mean I am not submissive, and submission doesn't mean "everybody right off the bat." I know that, just need to remember to remember it.

DesFIP -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 7:28:35 PM)
Just tell the idiots you're submissive to one and he's not it. Better yet, don't respond to people who say anything that tells you this isn't going to work. You don't owe anyone an answer anymore than you have to call up Capitol One after getting a credit card offer in the mail to refuse them. Joining your local community is a good idea. You will meet people in public and see how they interact with others, if they're well liked or not. And I imagine every single mother here has had a creep message her about her daughters. Unfortunately it's all too common.

littlewonder -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 7:36:38 PM)
I have a daughter as well and I would get this as well. I would simply delete them without a response or walk away from them in real life...again, no response. Just walk away. And I would always block their numbers, email, profiles. It's just sick men who are either pedophiles or have the mom/daughter fantasy in their heads. Unfortunately many men come here for one reason and one reason only....to get laid, and they will do it in whatever way it means that they will succeed. Follow your head, not your cunt. If it's not you, walk away. Keep your morals and values. Bdsm is absolutely no different from vanilla. The same set of standards apply. ETA: Nevermind....reread the profile. I thought you were still married.

theRose4U -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 7:42:05 PM)
FR without reading other replies Before I go into basics your teen should have already told you about net safety... You are married To a man with no idea for over a year you "played" with your old master At masters insistance you are now seeking a 3rd partner/2nd dom without husband knowing??? You have met a man that not only asked things many would consider a hard limit, tried to "get you as a family pack"? Ummmm wow... Google sub frenzy...think you have it Husband? Maybe try talking to him? Google BDSM checklist & fill one out On fresh sheet of paper write must haves & willing to give up then list characteristics a dom should have, on the other things you are willing to sacrifice to dishonesty...marriage & safety currently topping the list Ponder all of these things before getting on the internet to search again. Basic net safety should always be in place, no cam shows, no cell calls until you get to know someone well enough to make safe choices. If you want to talk skype has VOIP numbers that can't be traced the way a cell can Biggest thing that jumps out at me is how the idea of a dom. ANY dom seems to have over ridden the basics like not responding to wankers, no phone sex etc The first thing that comes to mind for solution is kink friendly therapist to sort out your head.

kalikshama -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 7:43:57 PM)
My interpretation was that after her marriage she entered into a D/s relationship that either ended because it was long distance or they opened it up due to long distance. OP?

absolutchocolat -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 7:49:27 PM)
it's always good to have clear boundaries before seeking out a partner, and to stand firm in them. don't be a pushover, because that's a surefire way to attract assholes who don't know what they're doing.

theRose4U -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 7:54:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama My interpretation was that after her marriage she entered into a D/s relationship that either ended because it was long distance or they opened it up due to long distance. OP? Thinkng you may be right, why I phrased as questions to sort out wow..oh wow

GreedyTop -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 10:20:29 PM)
I read it as the OP is no longer married.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 10:42:58 PM)
You've gotten some good advice, now put it into practice. Wake the fuck up and understand this is the internet, any wanker can click on the dom preference in a pull down box of choices. It doesn't make him or her anything other than a person on the net who clicked on a dom choice. There are no instant dom/sub relationships anymore than there are instant bf/gf relationships. You take time to get to know someone, you build trust, you determine if they are who they say they are. You watch actions and give them more weight than words. If someone doesn't seem to be a good match, you own up and tell them so. Then be prepared for an abusive comeback, since many internet geeks don't take rejection well. Don't take it personally. DO block, hide, whatever you need to do so they can't contact you. Don't give your phone number out to strangers. Use the CM mail system or IM for a bit until you get a better sense of who the person really is. Re-read OsideGirl's post about boundaries. You don't have any, and that's NOT submissive, it's less than intelligent. I'm not going out of my way to be mean, I DO want you to wake up and realize you're lost in some warm fuzzy sub fantasy that will not serve you well in a relationship search.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/11/2012 11:00:13 PM)
fast reply It's not teasing to get to know someone before you play. It's still not teasing if you get to know someone, and decide not to play. Teasing involves lots of unfulfilled promises in my mind. If you are clear from the start, you are fine. It's perfectly OK to say 'I don't talk sex until we have met in person to see if there is chemistry' or 'I want to get to know you first' or 'even though I am looking for play, it's important for me that we get on in other ways so let's talk about that first'. It's VERY OK to say 'fuck off you creep how dare you bring my children into this'. In my mind, bringing your kids into this is him changing the situation drastically. In my mind, even if you had been in his bedroom with his cock half way to your mouth when he said that, you still wouldn't have been a tease when you got up and walked out, since it was him that messed it up. You will get some abuse because this is the internet, just do the best you can.

crazyml -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/12/2012 1:02:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana quote: When he asked me if my teenage daughter might be submissive too my niceness was overtaken by my "oh no you did not!" and I cut him off and blocked him Nah dude, this ain't about you (Other than maybe being a good parent), no matter how much he may try and make it. It's that he's a creepy bitch. Don't go owning his shit. He's snot worth it. You just ran across a net freak, that's all. Don't let it bring you down. Carry on as before, same if you had a bad first date. That's all. This.

cordeliasub -> RE: middle ground between instant sub and tease? (11/12/2012 4:36:48 AM)
I realize I wasn't clear in some of my OP I separated from my husband a year and a half ago. My first Sir and I wanted things to work despite the distance, which was why we decided on local play partners. However, in the end, and after my stupidity that one time, we realized that was not a solution and we parted ways as a D/s couple but remain friends. As far as therapy goes, I already do that. Have been for years, which I started during my dysfunctional marriage. I know who I am. However, I realize I am still not at the place where I expect others to know who I am. In other words...I know what I have to offer and that I have value....it's just that after the marriage I was in, it still surprises me when someone ELSE sees it, so I let them in too quickly. That is something I have to shore up before I proceed. I live in a small, rural town, where the closest groups and munches are an hour and a half (or more) away. I have been a member of an excellent learning site for many months and am also a member at FL. I am thinking the solution here may be to check that I am looking for friends only for the time being so that I can interact in some way with actualy people who are in this lifestyle without becoming entangled until I am a little "tougher." One thing I am learning is that though I am a newbie and tend to be a southern softie, I'm also remembering that I am not an empty headed idiot. I am an intelligent woman who is trying to learn about something new. The first time I was naive enough to drop the boundaries and then was berated by the man I was upset and tied in knots. This time I was pissed. I'm thinking there's some steel in here after all, which is good. In other words, ignorance is not a crime as long as I learn from my mistakes.

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