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-=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/11/2012 11:46:14 PM

ResidentSadist

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Many people say they “found the lifestyle” . . . for me, it was the other way around. The lifestyle found me and hasn’t left me alone since. Being a sadist and being dominant wasn’t a choice for me anymore than being gay is a choice for some. I envy those who enjoy the fruits of BDSM at their leisure as role play instead of a lifestyle. It would be real nice to have one wife, 3.2 kids, a dog, a house in the burbs and on the weekends break out the whips & chains.

Unfortunately a wedding ring doesn’t make me feel as connected as a collar…. I know, I’ve had both. Hell, I can’t even have a successful long term relationship with a submissive, she must be a slave… I know, I’ve had both.

Instead of a “normal” relationship, my partner has to take time for BDSM rituals and protocols every day. This isn’t a tale of sorrow, trust me. I accept who I am and became the best sadists and best Master I could be. As life would have it, there is counterpart for everyone, even me. We are both very happy.

I acknowledge the different motivations, interests and styles of BDSM as all being equal. Like different flavors of ice cream. We may like different flavors and we may all be in the ice cream parlor for different reasons, but we all like ice cream. For many if not most, BDSM is a choice, a kink, a place to indulge our fetishes. For others, like me, it’s not a choice anymore than being gay is.

Is BDSM a choice for you?
Is leather, your kinks or fetishes a choice, an enhancement or are they a requirement?

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 11/11/2012 11:49:57 PM >

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RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 12:16:27 AM

dublinemma

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BDSM isn't a choice for me, I've always had these 'strange' urges and fantasies since I hit puberty. I must be very sheltered because I only found out about BDSM when I was 19. I had never even heard of someone being called names in bed, nevermind wanting to be someones slave. But I had fantasied about being controlled, told what to do etc from quite a young age.

After I learnt about this lifestyle I had some casual kinky encounters, went through the catholic guilt and had a vanilla relationship for a year and made a choice not to make myself miserable anymore. I know a lot of people will say at my age I don't really know what I want. However, I have no doubts that a full on master/slave, TPE, 24/7, whatever the fuck you want to call it, relationship it is not only what I want but also what I need.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 2

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 12:28:25 AM

Greta75

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quote:

Is BDSM a choice for you?
Is leather, your kinks or fetishes a choice, an enhancement or are they a requirement?

When I was in a vanilla marriage, I got off by simple vanilla sex, but just because, it's just nice having someone you're inlove with penetrating you right..

But after my divorce, then I really went to pursue and experience a bdsm relationship, and..., it was mind blowing.

So..., I've always been into it since a kid, so it was natural. And perhaps part of my difficulty in finding a mate now is the hindrance of wanting some caring, sensitive vanilla man, to transform into this dominant in the bedroom.
It's really hard, and at this point, feel kinda disheartened and discourage that, I can have best of both worlds. I have to choose.
I don't feel like bdsm is a choice for me, because without it, I am unfulfilled in some ways.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 3

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 12:33:01 AM

GreedyTop

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I'm not sure if it is a choice for me or not. It's been 5?6? yrs since I was last involved in anything relating to kink, and in all honesty, I'm not feeling the lack.

This is not to say that if I ran into someone, with whom (did I use that correctly??LOL) I clicked, that it might not all come flooding back to me.

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Post #: 4

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 12:40:07 AM

littlewonder

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Yes and no.

I believe we all are shaped by our environment and experiences.

I grew up in a Brethren religion family where the husband is the head of the family, the Godhead of the house and the wife follows her husband just as she would follow God. It comes naturally to me because of my environment where I grew up. My husband was my neighbor and childhood sweetheart so he grew up in the same way that I did. It was just how we were raised and how we were comfortable.

I am also a submissive personality. I always have been my entire life. I was extremely shy as a child. I was that way until I reached my mid 20's. I'm still somewhat shy but because of life experiences I've had no other choice than to stand on my own two feet or face being taken advantage of. But do I enjoy having to do so. Hell no! I absolutely hate it and if Master will do it for me, then I let him because he knows how much I hate it even though he forces me to do it sometimes.

So there you have environment, experience which shaped my personality.

As for kinky sex, I've again, never known anything else. When I lost my virginity I was tied to a tree in the woods. After my husband died, I would say just about every man I ever slept with had some kind of kink of one or another. When people talk about "vanilla" I really don't know what they mean. Missionary sex? Missionary sex to me is the ultimate form of D/s to me. Does that mean I'm "vanilla"? Maybe. I have no idea.

Now do I make a choice to be this way? Yes. Everything in life is a choice to me. Sure, I could stop doing it today and I would survive. I'd go on with my life. I don't see most things as being without choice. I believe our every thought and action is a choice.

ETA: No, my sexual kinks are not a requirement. If Master decided one day he would no longer want to hit me or choke me or anything else, I would be fine with that. My only requirement from him is to continue to love me.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 11/12/2012 12:42:46 AM >

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Post #: 5

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 1:15:59 AM

crazyml

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This is one of those complicated questions, and I'm guessing that everyone will have a slightly different take.

I'm sure that lots of elements of my lifestyle aren't "a choice". Sure, when I go hiking or sailing it could be described as a "choice" that I make, or a "preference", but I don't see it like that at all - It's something that I need to do in order to feel complete. I don't have a choice about getting out and being in nature, it's something I need.

BDSM is the same for me. I can go without it for a while, sure - but when I've tried to "go nilla" (usually out of despair at finding a partner who presses both my kinky and non-kinky buttons) I've always sensed that there's something missing.

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Post #: 6

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 1:31:36 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

Is BDSM a choice for you?
Is leather, your kinks or fetishes a choice, an enhancement or are they a requirement?

BDSM is a choice for Me. I can take it or leave it. In My case, I prefer having the activities as a part of My life because I do enjoy them and have a damn good time doing them. If I'm not stretching My sadistic legs, that's ok, too.

For the second, it depends on the context. I consider Myself a leather person. That means that any dynamic that I am going to have will have leather protocols, etc, involved in it. As such, I do find using those protocols and the rituals involved as an enhancement/reinforcement of the type of household that I like to run. In other words, I might call that a choice with a purpose.

Like you, RS, I know what I have for the definition between a sub and a slave; At least if they are going to be MY sub or slave. Part of the reason that I prefer the leather lifestyle is because of the latter. If My dynamic ended permanently tomorrow and My poly household dissolved, after grieving the loss of the relationship with clip, I could go back to just My life with MP and be content. That wouldn't concern Me. Exactly what the hell I'd do with all of the gear might give a moment's pause.

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(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 7

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 1:48:16 AM

MariaB

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

This is one of those complicated questions, and I'm guessing that everyone will have a slightly different take.

I'm sure that lots of elements of my lifestyle aren't "a choice". Sure, when I go hiking or sailing it could be described as a "choice" that I make, or a "preference", but I don't see it like that at all - It's something that I need to do in order to feel complete. I don't have a choice about getting out and being in nature, it's something I need.

BDSM is the same for me. I can go without it for a while, sure - but when I've tried to "go nilla" (usually out of despair at finding a partner who presses both my kinky and non-kinky buttons) I've always sensed that there's something missing.

This is about as near as I can get regarding an answer.
Sailing is something I choose to do for its enjoyment. Climbing is something I have to do, as is horse riding. If I couldn't do either of those then I would be an utterly miserable different person to the one I am now.
BDSM and the elements of D/s are something that are an integrated part of me. I may leave them for a while but I never abandon them.

I don't need a slave or a submissive to function though. I don't need to feel I'm the hierarchy over someone to feel complete.
I'm very sexually dominant and if I want to really get off then I need to be dominating sexually. I don't do all this protocol stuff. I can't be arsed. I'm living with adults in an adult world and those adults have had good educations and hold down exceptionally good jobs. I don't need to adjust their lives to make me happy and they don't want to be adjusted to a slave mentality to survive.
Because I like dominant sex does not however make me a part timer/player or any other derogatory term that is tossed out to people who are not (in their opinion) as serious about all this as themselves. My need to sexually dominate is as strong and ingrained in me as your need to have a 24/7 slave.

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 8

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 4:16:09 AM

LaTigresse

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FR

Much like LadyP, BDSM is not a requirement in my life. Not in the context of what those letters traditionally stand for. I know I will have a happy and fulfilled life if I die at the ripe old age of 105 without having never done those BDSMy things again, from this point forward.

What I cannot and will not ever again do, is have an intimate, personal relationship, where I do not have the majority of the control. I cannot ever imagine entering another relationship with a woman, that isn't M/s. Similarly in that, I can't imagine ever being interested in another relationship with a male of the species.

I do not NEED to be in any sort of intimate, personal relationship to thrive as a woman. So, given the choice of having a relationship that does't suit me in those two arenas, and not having a relationship, I will take no relationship. I have no need to settle. I've been alone and was perfectly happy. I sought out a relationship for reasons that are no longer applicable today. Yet, because of that, I remain married to my best friend of 22 plus years. Still, though lacking in BDSM completely, it does have a very strong D/s dynamic. Not because I say so, but because of who I am. Being dominant in a relationship is me. Both in personal relationships and non. It's who I am. I lead, they follow. When I actively remove my leadership, the relationship founders.

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Post #: 9

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 5:19:26 AM

pyschosubmission

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From: Glasgow, Scotland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dublinemma

After I learnt about this lifestyle I had some casual kinky encounters, went through the catholic guilt and had a vanilla relationship for a year and made a choice not to make myself miserable anymore.

Catholic guilt, been there, did the Hail Marys

Yeah for me it's a choice, something I enjoy. But why would I not engage in something that I find enjoyable

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(in reply to dublinemma)

Post #: 10

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 5:39:10 AM

MariaB

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pyschosubmission

quote:

ORIGINAL: dublinemma

After I learnt about this lifestyle I had some casual kinky encounters, went through the catholic guilt and had a vanilla relationship for a year and made a choice not to make myself miserable anymore.

Catholic guilt, been there, did the Hail Marys

Yeah for me it's a choice, something I enjoy. But why would I not engage in something that I find enjoyable

Bloody hell! I went to a convent school where the sisters told us girls that all men were rapists. It didn't stop me one iota. In fact, I believe it was my strict catholic upbringing that made me what I am today.

(in reply to pyschosubmission)

Post #: 11

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 5:43:30 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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FR:

This isn't a choice for me, it's who I am. It's a very personal, intimate part of me that has always been there.

Like lw I grew up in a highly religious household; sex was considered bad and dirty. When I found out there were others like me, I celebrated the fact that I was something akin to normal. But then my day to day life revolves around the power dynamics I have with people, not the 'scening' or the whips and chains aspects. (Take the whips and chains away and I suppose I'd be mildly vexed, although knowing me I'd just use household objects, or make them to be used on me.)

The power control aspects of BDSM are always there for everyone, in many relationships in our lives. Children are sub to their parents and their teachers, adults sub to their boss, the police, the government. Managers have to dom their staff or risk having to do all the work themselves. These are not new dynamics.

Frankly I'm not at all sure how anyone separates the kink aspects of themselves from the rest of who they are. For Himself and I, it's so deeply ingrained in who we are that's not possible at this point.

Now, lamb has more careful compartmentalization in his life. He he has to, as his primary relationship is with a lady who acknowledges his kink side, but refuses to indulge in it herself. Despite this, he functions as her submissive in any way she allows.

In the last few months, lamb and I have been working to make this compartmentalization more of a mentally healthy choice for him. So I think this question has more to do with how successfully a person has integrated BDSM within their most intimate relationships. Some, like me, are fortunate enough for it not to be an issue, others are forced by circumstance to compartmentalize.

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Post #: 12

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 5:46:47 AM

pyschosubmission

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From: Glasgow, Scotland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

Bloody hell! I went to a convent school where the sisters told us girls that all men were rapists. It didn't stop me one iota. In fact, I believe it was my strict catholic upbringing that made me what I am today.

Speaking of convent schools, an ex of mine went to all girl convent school, one day someone spray painted "Virgin Megastore" along the wall and when she went into class one of the teachers calmly stated "Ha, fat chance!"

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(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 13

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 5:56:05 AM

Kana

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It's both. I can live without it, have done so for lengthy periods of time, like the five years I went stone cold nilla. But I don't like sex unless there's a power dynamic, some slut screaming and begging, watching her crawl and suffer.
That's what really makes my motor run.
Without it, sex is blase, no fun...to the point that when I fuck a gal in nilla, I'm not really actually with her because instead I'm in my head fantasizing about what I want to do to her, how I want to make her grovel and moan.
In other words, I'm living a lie, and she's having sex with a liar.
So what should be the most magical closest moment of sharing two folks can have is nothing more than a sham, and that makes me a shitty person.
So yeah, I can do nilla, but nope, it ain't who and what I am.
As to why I'm wired this way, shrugs, who the fuck knows.
I've always, as in alwaysalwaysalways had power dynamics in my fantasies( And I mean even as an elementary school kid kana pulled his inky dinky even before I could orgasm. Why? Because it still felt good, and I knew it was forbidden. Yeah, that was a huge pull, that I was doing something taboo). At first it was minor stuff, tie a gal up, have her helpless for my to slake my lusts. That graduated to spankings, twisting pinching.
And then I discovered hard core porn and everything changed. Ooooh man, the things they used to write about in the 70's and 80's. Just hard core way the fuck out there shit. Brutal slavery, real torture, nothing was over the line for those folks. And they fired by already fertile imagination. And then imagination became reality-met a subbie gal who know a thing or 895,000 and she showed me the ropes. After that, I never really looked back.
And somewhere along there I crossed a line, until sex and BDSM became intertwined.
It's who and what I am. I'm 6'0, I'm Irish, my eyes change color, and I like to torment women. These are immutable truths about me, hardwired into my DNA and I can't change it or run from in. Instead I roll with it and I've reached a peace and accord with myself about it. Which is kinda awesome.
Now, who's gonna crawl over here and blow me?

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Post #: 14

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 6:00:35 AM

GreedyTop

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From: Savannah, GA
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*shoves lw forward*

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Post #: 15

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 6:01:20 AM

Kana

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Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

Bloody hell! I went to a convent school where the sisters told us girls that all men were rapists. It didn't stop me one iota. In fact, I believe it was my strict catholic upbringing that made me what I am today.

Oh God, I love catholic schoolgirls. So repressed, so many conflicts, so many internal hot spots. So much fun to torment and torture.

"All the way
That's the way they go
Every day
And none of their mamas ever seem to know
Hip-hip-hooray
For all the class they show
There's nothing like a catholic girl
At the cyo
When they learn to blow..."

Frank Zappa

< Message edited by Kana -- 11/12/2012 6:03:05 AM >

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 16

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 6:12:12 AM

RomanticRebel

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I find that BDSM is both a choice and a requirement to some extent. Certainly I can function within the confines of a "vanilla" relationship; however I find it to be unsatisfying. I find it to be very inspiring and quite stimulating when I find someone that I can trust enough (and can trust me enough) that I can give them control of myself, even for a short period of time.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 17

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 6:12:47 AM

autumnember

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/30/2012
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I can enjoy vanilla sex ... for awhile but bdsm always has me crawling back. I remember one of my first fantasies was of me holding a dog leash and watching some girl pee on the floor and wiping her nose in it. I always held the leash because who would want to be the one on the other end? Somewhere along the fantasy, when my inner inhibitions were dropped, it was always me with pee dripping off my chin. So who knows what that makes me now.
I have generally always deferred to men in my relationship... expecting something from them that they never understood. Unfortunately, it set the whole relationship up for failure.
So as far as kink goes ... well they must have some deviance in there at least sometimes but as far as the rest .. i like a partner that is capable of leading.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 18

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 7:08:51 AM

chatterbox24

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Joined: 1/22/2012
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The kink I could live without it, I admit its fun, but not a requirement. What i think I would miss the most is the rituals, the mental stimulation.
It was sooooooooo very out of my character to worship someone, but I loved it. Unfortunately we were not compatible for anything long term and satisfying without me givng up myself, but I did learn to be alot less selfish and it really gave me some awesome eye opening understanding, I never had before. I can live without it, cause I was taught some things I can keep with me, but to have had that long term with compatibilty with the circumstances different would have been a dream come true. But hey thats dreams for ya! :)

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Post #: 19

RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- - 11/12/2012 7:12:08 AM

Salinedion

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Joined: 5/25/2012
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I would freely turn down vanilla sex with Kate Moss.

I would eagerly have kinky sex with RoseAnne Barr (the old RoseAnne Barr).

I guess that settles it.

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Post #: 20

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