RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=-

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dublinemma -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 7:13:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB quote: ORIGINAL: pyschosubmission quote: ORIGINAL: dublinemma After I learnt about this lifestyle I had some casual kinky encounters, went through the catholic guilt and had a vanilla relationship for a year and made a choice not to make myself miserable anymore. Catholic guilt, been there, did the Hail Marys Yeah for me it's a choice, something I enjoy. But why would I not engage in something that I find enjoyable Bloody hell! I went to a convent school where the sisters told us girls that all men were rapists. It didn't stop me one iota. In fact, I believe it was my strict catholic upbringing that made me what I am today. [:D] Oh probably, they tell us it's wrong for years and then expect us to go out into the real world and not lose all sense at the first cock we see! All this talk about Catholic schools in making my stomach heave, the shit they do is unreal. We had one teacher encourage us to insist on bareback, because you know condoms are a barrier to God!

theRose4U -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 7:17:36 AM)
I would agree its not a choice, its who I am...BUT I am also a complete forfilled person with or without the other end of the leash. I think there is a difference in being who you are & becoming a list of kinks. A flogger makes me happy, the way it feels & sounds, even smells but its an instrument, an extension...not the sum total of who I am

Kana -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 7:32:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Salinedion I would freely turn down vanilla sex with Kate Moss. I would eagerly have kinky sex with RoseAnne Barr (the old RoseAnne Barr). I guess that settles it. You, sir, are one kinky bitch

Nakhla -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 8:25:46 AM)
For me, BDSM is a choice, but D/s most definitely isn't. I can do just vanilla, so that's not a big deal for me, but I don't seem to be able to form romantic connections to non-dominant men. I've never even got to the point of trying a LTR with a non-dominant guy, the attraction just isn't there.

graceadieu -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 9:58:23 AM)
I've found I just can't form a really happy, health long-term relationship with someone unless they have control in and out of the bedroom, and I can't have a satisfying sex life unless I'm roughed up and humiliated at least a bit. It doesn't matter how well we get on, how attractive I find them, having to be equal just..... doesn't work, I keep subconciously trying to submit and revere and it just causes problems. And totally vanilla sex is usually about as exciting for me as kissing. I mean, it's pleasant, but I almost always ended up having to fantasize about something else in order to get off. I'm flexible about specific kinks, they're more of an enhancement and I can get behind new ones just fine, but the general package is not optional.

myotherself -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 10:54:16 AM)
If I want a relationship, then D/s is not a choice, it's a necessity. I gave up relationships at age 30 because I found sex to be boring. Yeah I could orgasm, but it wasn't any different to the orgasms I could give myself through masturbation. It relieved an itch, and that was about it. I found sex boring and, in some cases, stressful. I was expected to take charge and 'direct the action' at times, and I hated it. Total passion killer for me. So I decided I wasn't going to have another relationship. I felt I was lying to my partner and I didn't want to saddle a good guy with a frigid partner (which was what I thought I was). A few years later at a drunken party after work, I got talking to a guy I vaguely knew from another department. Turns out he's a dom, and he pointed me in the direction of bdsm. It took another couple of years before I dared investigate, and it all fell into place. I was submissive and I needed a dominant partner to make me happy and content emotionally and physically. Soooo, if for some reason Master and I ever split up, I would probably look for another D/s relationship. If that wasn't possible, I'd remain single.

theshytype -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 11:16:27 AM)
I think it's a need, but a need that I can choose to be without. I need coffee in the morning to fully function, but I can choose not to drink it. And will survive without it. I can survive without BDSM, absolutely, I have been for years. But, survival is just that - survival. No form of enjoyment, just an existence. Life without enjoyment is meaningless, to me. I've always had ways of coping and filling the void. However, if there is something you're always craving, no substitute will completely fulfill that desire. For me, its not something I believe I need just because it's fun. For me, it relieves an unbelievable amount of stress. It calms, relaxes, and satisfies me. My mind always wanders quickly, through so many thoughts. It's the only time that I can remain focused on just one thing at a time. It clears my mind. Too vanilla = too boring = too many other thoughts going through my mind. I can be who I truly am, instead of who I'm "supposed" to be, according to my upbringing.

needlesandpins -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 1:36:26 PM)
i've had a conversation similar to this just this evening. i know i can live without it; well without what i really want. i have done for years. i had some really good sex with my ex, but nothing like what i have now. i guess if you are in love with someone, and in a commited relationship, and you did all that knowing it was 'nilla then you should honour what you chose. therefore you have either accepted that person, and put your wants/needs aside for them.....or you are going to be a lying cheating shitbag behind their back to get what you want. so while it's true that i can choose to not have what i do now, and live comfortably with that, i just don't want to anymore. i don't want to put myself back in the box where i only fantacise about doing what i want. i have a man i can give myself to, i have a man i can take too, i have a man i feel comfortable with in a way i never thought possible. knowing he has a dark side that wants to hurt me, use me, and abuse me is a wonderful thing in itself. knowing that i feel as i do, so that i can hand myself over completely, is so freeing. needles

autumnember -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 2:27:03 PM)
Good post theshytype. I agree with you it is a great way to manage stress though i have noticed running is comparable to deal with everyday shit. A nice spanking is way nicer though. I think for me it is a means to an end until i find someone that floats my boat.

TallullahHk -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 3:09:13 PM)
I've floated in and out of 'nilla relationships since I was 19. I thought BDSM and D/s was something I could live without for sure until I was in a long term 'nilla marriage. It nearly sucked the soul right out of my body. Of course there were other things that helped cause the demises of the relationship but the biggest lesson for me knowing that I absolutely need a dominant man. A domiant man who will beat me is a bonus.

Spiritedsub2 -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 3:11:42 PM)
I would say the lifestyle found me too; I wish it had found me a bit sooner. Like another poster earlier, I had stopped having relationships a long time ago, because although the men were perfectly fine people, I could only last about 3 months in a relationship before I started looking for the escape hatch. I am a strong personality and always seemed to attract weaker men who wanted me to take charge and control things, which made me more miserable than I can say. I figured out that I wanted a dominant man, rather than to be pushed into being the dominant partner, but for some reason I never learned about D/s until early this year. Then everything fell into place. I haven't had a full-blown D/s relationship yet (Kana, no comments about the pun); I don't know whether I will ever find one. I do know that the only relationship I'll ever have in the future will be a D/s one, or none at all. For me none at all was infinitely preferable to vanilla.

theshytype -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 4:13:34 PM)
Thank you autumnember. Yes, a good workout (a self-beating if you will) is a great coping mechanism while I wait for the day when he decides he wants to whip his belt out again. And because of the workout, I sit here (im)patiently tapping my foot. [;)]

sheisreeds -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 4:51:32 PM)
It's a choice in that I choose to act on my urges and needs. It is not a choice in that it is a natural urge and need. I have learned I am not happy without it, and begin to lose myself. Anyone I'm involved with in a relationship has to understand and share this need. If a partner engages in it just for my sake I don't enjoy it. My masochism is something that definitely has to be present, I need some kind of power exchange or struggle, though my needs in that regard are less specific. Given how much more complete I have felt as a human being since actively engaging my sadism the past four years, I'd say I need that too. Sex also does nothing for me without some degree of violence. Seriously, little to no interest. Good "vanilla" sex I've had has always been associated w/ very unsafe / high risk scenarios, where I was feeding adrenalin, power, etc from something other than kink. Even when I'm having nice relations with a partner, when my partner is also involved in BDSM part of the thrill is the risk that anything could happen at anymore. Also the fact that I have the ability to do anything at any moment. It's hard for me to differentiate the two questions in the OP. I guess it sums up like this, a lesbian needs to be in a relationship with another woman to be satisfied. She can choose to be straight, but won't be completely satisfied. I need a partner who wants to be mean to me, that gets off on that. It's even better if I get to be mean too. I can take or leave a whole bunch of elements of this, but I need a certain amount of it to thrive.

lthrpup -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 5:21:47 PM)
Responses by theshytype and autumnember resonate with me. I wonder if anyone else likes to alternate very vanilla and very kinky. Maybe compartmentalization. Maybe multitasking. Maybe I should have been born 125 years earlier and been a properly repressed Victorian. Oh, how great it is when the twisted stuff squeezes out of the tight laces.

Darkfeather -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 6:41:59 PM)
Me personally, I can never suppress who I am. I have already tried, been in a nilla relationship with a girl who was in no way kinky or wanted to be. I had to all but deny that side of myself to be with her but in the end it failed. Why, because I was not true to myself, so I couldn't be true to her. In the end neither of us was happy. I am dominant, have been, and will always be. No matter what I do, whom I am with, or where I go this fact cannot change. Now I do hold who I am, and my kink to be separate but equally fulfilling. That said, I can and have gone without, but not for long. At some point, my kink has to be a part of my life

crwlon4 -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 7:00:27 PM)
I have never had the choice really. BDSM has always been right under the surface, pushing out, regardless. Sometimes to an unhealthy level. It is something I need, something I have to have. I have not, never have, fantasized about regular sex, ever. And to be clear, I am not bragging, not apologizing, just telling you what it is. I am not sure why, but it chose me.

DesFIP -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 8:30:06 PM)
I prefer this in a relationship. But if it was submit to someone I didn't like and respect or not, then I wouldn't. I am capable of choosing when and with whom I engage in a relationship with. And I need more than him having a flogger in his hand for me to submit.

kitkat105 -> RE: -=BDSM isn’t always a choice=- (11/12/2012 8:30:59 PM)
It's probably fairly cliche but I always viewed men as being the more powerful one in the relationship and definitely had a preference to sex where they are in control. Now that I've had a taste of masochism and clearly enjoy it, I couldn't imagine a sex life without it. Luckily for me, Mr. Odeen is appropriately kinky for my needs. [;)]

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