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okay...help? - 6/15/2006 9:53:08 PM

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My sub boyfriend and I have recently begun delving more deeply into the whole BDSM thing. While he's always had a fascination with it, I'm more or less completely new to it, and aside from feeling like a total noob about it, I don't really know where to start/go with all of it.

I want to be all commanding and controlling of him, though right now and for the next few months we won't be having a lot of opportunities to see each other, so any commanding, etc will have to be done via the internet.

Though I consider myself a pretty creative person, I just don't really know what exactly to tell him to do over the internet and still make it be...i don't know what the word is...effective? Similarly, when he needs to be punished, I don't really know how to give a good punishment over the internet. Except this all really translates into "real" life, as well. He wants me to be kinda extreme with it, though I'd have to admit that I feel slightly weird about getting that extreme with it.

So I guess that basically what I'm trying to get at is that I really need some help at being a good dominant, since I'm pretty obviously not in-the-know when it comes to the majority of this stuff.

Sorry if I kind of rambled on, or if this is really broad, but any ideas or tips would be greatly appreciated.

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RE: okay...help? - 6/15/2006 10:40:30 PM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
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First, both you and he need to have some realistic expectations about your growth. It is great that you are open to it and wish to explore but going from zero to extreme probably isn't going to happen. There is a lot of stuff in between and a lot of things you need to lear. You need to find your style of dominance first off and you can do that by reading and observing as well as experimenting. There are also techniques you need to learn because without them you can put your sub in danger. You don't want to have zero experience and then try to stick needles in him lol. If you have access to a local r/t club, this would be a great start. You can start learning from dominants who are ore experienced than you and possibly even get a mentor to help teach you some of the things you need to learn to get to the level you wish. But, it is important that you do not miss all those fun activities in between learning. Have realistic expectations.

Regarding online, there are a few ways you can dominante online. Does he have a cam or digital camera? You can assign tasks and get proof by camera. For punishment, explore those things he hates. Is it chastity, housework, writing, etc. Whatever you do, do not make punishment a form of play or fun for him. Make him do something he dislikes or deprive him of something he enjoys. Journals can be fun and useful. Assigning research, make him do things that will aid in your comfort, etc.

I am sure with a little imagination you can figure things out in the short term while learning some skills that will hold you in good stead when you are together in person for the long run. Good luck.

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~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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RE: okay...help? - 6/15/2006 10:44:28 PM

PrincessinLatex

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Joined: 7/4/2005
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I don't know what your "dynamic" is. . .but it sure sounds like he is calling the shots and setting the tempo. Maybe you should step back and take back the reigns.

Just an observation.

P

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RE: okay...help? - 6/17/2006 1:29:45 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mailbox
He wants me to be kinda extreme with it, though I'd have to admit that I feel slightly weird about getting that extreme with it.

YOU are not ok with what's being requested. Why not take a step back and renegotiate the terms of the agreement between the two of you! YOU are the one that is supposed to be in control. If what's being, er, requested of you, isn't to your liking -- don't do it. Period.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mailbox
So I guess that basically what I'm trying to get at is that I really need some help at being a good dominant, since I'm pretty obviously not in-the-know when it comes to the majority of this stuff.

Aiiiie! Does he know that you're new and that you don't feel you know what you're doing????

And that's why it's not working. He's got you in a position where he's pushing you to do things you're not comfortable with. Sadly, my stance is that I cannot teach someone how to "be or think dominantly" on the internet, much less be responsible for others! Being dominant comes from inside. The rest can come with time and experimentation, preferably with someone in RT.

My recommendations are always that you seek out involvement with RT folks in a local BDSM group and seek the advice/counsel of a mentor (preferably a fem dom who is closer to your age and location) who can guide you in both skills and the psychological aspects of domination. Also, seek out reference material -- books -- as well as the newbie pack and other bdsm references (www.wizdomme.com is a great resource). Good luck.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: okay...help? - 6/17/2006 3:29:30 AM

ShiftedJewel

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There are some good books on the subject.. Loving Dominant and SM 101 to name a couple. They both delve into the hows and whys of what it is that you are trying to do.

Jewel

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RE: okay...help? - 6/17/2006 7:17:47 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
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May I suggest a couple of books for you?

Not in any particular order, just a good variety of things you might want to look into.

The Art of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women by Claudia Varrin

Learning the Ropes by Race Bannon

The Loving Dominant by John Warren

The Mistress Manual: the good girl’s guide to female dominance by Mistress Lorelei

The Master’s Manual by Jack Rinella

On the Safe Edge by Trevor Jacques

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia (or Pat Califia depending on the year it was published)

The Sexually Dominant Woman: a Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

Safe, Sane, Consensual & Fun by John Warren

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: okay...help? - 6/17/2006 9:14:59 AM

Proprietrix

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I find Tammyjo much more helpful than any dewey decimal system or card catalog.
(Just needed to say that because she's always posting such helpful hints to lifestyle books for particular needs, and I felt compelled to throw her some kudos.)

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RE: okay...help? - 6/17/2006 10:41:33 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

I find Tammyjo much more helpful than any dewey decimal system or card catalog.
(Just needed to say that because she's always posting such helpful hints to lifestyle books for particular needs, and I felt compelled to throw her some kudos.)

Thank you.

I did/do book reviews for a place called KinkyBooks.com so I have hundreds of sexuality and BDSM books; I've written about 190 reviews for them though not for a while cause they are having difficulties revamping their website. I told them that when they get the site working as promised I'll do more. But I still get books from them and authors and publishers and go to some conventions with them.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: okay...help? - 6/17/2006 1:52:25 PM

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Hmmm... first off thank you all for the advice! Second off, yes, i realize that with my experience (or lack thereof) it would not be a good idea to immediately rush into extreme. It's not really that i don't EVER want to do anything extreme, it's just that at this stage, I don't feel really prepared to do the more extreme things. I am totally cool with doing things more mild, it's just that i definitely want to work up to the extremes quite gradually.

Anyway, thanks for the book recommendations as well, I'll definitely have to look into those.

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RE: okay...help? - 6/18/2006 9:13:08 PM

ladylexington

Posts: 117
Joined: 6/7/2005
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The books are a great start. Make sure and check out the information on power exchange. It is a very entertaining way to experiment, especially while you learn how to play safely.

You get to be the demanding Queen while he plays the humble knight. Or, you can be the wicked temptress seducing the naive man. Whatever the role (if you decide to role play), you get to be in control. You decide how the night unfolds. He's yours for the taking, or leaving, or endless teasing...

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If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much. -- Mark Twain

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RE: okay...help? - 6/18/2006 10:11:03 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
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One thing my Owner and I did (he was new to this when we got together as well) was read the same books, with a different colored highlighter, and each highlight what resonated with us. Helped give us sorta a snapshot into each other's brains.

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RE: okay...help? - 6/18/2006 11:33:10 PM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mailbox

My sub boyfriend and I have recently begun delving more deeply into the whole BDSM thing. While he's always had a fascination with it, I'm more or less completely new to it, and aside from feeling like a total noob about it, I don't really know where to start/go with all of it.

I want to be all commanding and controlling of him, though right now and for the next few months we won't be having a lot of opportunities to see each other, so any commanding, etc will have to be done via the internet.

Though I consider myself a pretty creative person, I just don't really know what exactly to tell him to do over the internet and still make it be...i don't know what the word is...effective? Similarly, when he needs to be punished, I don't really know how to give a good punishment over the internet. Except this all really translates into "real" life, as well. He wants me to be kinda extreme with it, though I'd have to admit that I feel slightly weird about getting that extreme with it.

So I guess that basically what I'm trying to get at is that I really need some help at being a good dominant, since I'm pretty obviously not in-the-know when it comes to the majority of this stuff.

Sorry if I kind of rambled on, or if this is really broad, but any ideas or tips would be greatly appreciated.

My first question would be, how do you feel about the whole thing? Does the idea of being a Domina appeal to you for it's own sake? Or is your sole motivation that he wants it?

If the latter, then I don't think it's going to work. If the former, then I second what Ms Pandora said,

quote:

My recommendations are always that you seek out involvement with RT folks in a local BDSM group and seek the advice/counsel of a mentor (preferably a fem dom who is closer to your age and location) who can guide you in both skills and the psychological aspects of domination. Also, seek out reference material -- books -- as well as the newbie pack and other bdsm references (www.wizdomme.com is a great resource). Good luck.

I have no idea what part of Wisonsin you're in, but it looks to me like there are more than a few groups there. I'd recommend you check them out. Here's a link I've found is pretty helpful.

http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgswest.html#WI

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RE: okay...help? - 6/18/2006 11:41:43 PM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mailbox

Hmmm... first off thank you all for the advice! Second off, yes, i realize that with my experience (or lack thereof) it would not be a good idea to immediately rush into extreme. It's not really that i don't EVER want to do anything extreme, it's just that at this stage, I don't feel really prepared to do the more extreme things. I am totally cool with doing things more mild, it's just that i definitely want to work up to the extremes quite gradually.

Anyway, thanks for the book recommendations as well, I'll definitely have to look into those.

Speaking from my own experience as a fairly hard core bottom, I'll say that I'd always rather that an inexperienced Domina doesn't go as far as I like than that she go too far. Extreme play can be very dangerous. Start with what you're comfortable with. Make real life friends who have experience with more extreme forms of play and ask them to mentor you. Most of the Dominants I know just love to teach.

Most importantly, don't be afraid to ask stupid questions.

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Post #: 13

RE: okay...help? - 6/19/2006 7:32:49 PM

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hmmmmm...thanks again. I'm definitely trying to take this all into account. And it's hard for me to not feel like an idiot when asking questions.

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Post #: 14