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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Looking for advice and tips please :) (11/16/2012 12:21:52 PM)
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It sounds like you are already starting in the right direction.
I know this is boring advice, but the single best thing you can do is talk. How did that feel? What were you thinking when you did this? Did you like that? What would you think if I said x?
I think it's best to start with some simple rules/expectations. And I do mean simple. Like maybe you ask his permission before going on a night out, or you write your feelings in a journal once a week, or you always wear your hair down when you're out of work. Anything will do, as long as it means something to the two of you. Just get a taste of how it feels. See how that works. Do you envision him giving you lots of strict rules? Do you want him to control what you wear, what you eat, what you do with your spare time? You said 'when you are a nuisance'. What do you do that annoys him? Don't tell me, but see if there is something you can work on there. If it annoys him that you put your feet up on the sofa, make a conscious effort to stop. If you have a tendency to be late, work on that. At the same time, he should be looking at himself and asking if he is the kind of person fit to lead, and making himself better.
Most of the time, D/s isn't about big things. It's about little things. It's about small acts of service like refilling a drink or running a bath or buying his brand of soda.
You are so very shiny and new that it's hard to say 'you need to do x, y and z'. All I can really say is you need to try things, and then talk about it and adjust. Be honest with each other, agree that there will be no hard feelings if you disagree over something, and be willing to work at it. Eventually you will figure out what makes the most smiles for you both.
Can you go to a munch and meet some people who are living this? It might help just to see how they relate to each other. I know you don't want to involve work or church, and that's fine. In the long run though you might find that it doesn't matter where you are, because a simple 'he's the boss' attitude doesn't mark you out as kinky.
Some things to talk about:
- do you want to have any little rituals to connect? Anything from fixing his first drink of the night to kneeling and having a collar fitted before bed.
- how would you feel if he asked you to do something you were a little bit uncomfortable with? or something really boring?
- do you think you would like protocols or something more informal?
- do you want to explore bondage and s&m or are you looking for more of an old-fashioned man and wife situation?
- what happens if one of you wants to stop and the other doesn't?
- if you are going to play, what limits will there be? (as in, no drawing blood etc)
- another play one - safety. Talk a lot about how to be safe and think about safewords.
and, I'm going to put this one separately because it's a big confusing one to start out with:
-Do you want a punishment dynamic? Will he punish you if you break a rule? What about if it was an accident? What would a punishment be? Would that make you feel secure and owned or angry and rejected?
There are no right answers. There is no set way of doing this. If you came to visit me, Jeff, and Oside, you'd find three totally different, but still satisfying and functional D/s relationships. Don't ever do something because you've read that's the 'right' way. The right way is what works for you both.
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