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Other Doms - 11/22/2012 2:01:45 PM   
emmacarrie86


Posts: 41
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline 		Hi

I was just wondering what is everyones take on the ettiquete when a submissive talks to a new Dom?? I already have a Master who I love to bits but I am on this site for friends, however a dom i am talking to has been telling me i HAVE to address him as Sir and he has been telling me that my Dom is doing things wrong for instance anal training etc and has been telling me the "correct way" and bossing me about. He also calls me subby.He is always very pushy with me and demands my 100% attention as well. Isnt BDSM interpretive?

I feel that until I know someone well enough and they have gained my trust i shouldnt HAVE to call him anything.

What is everyone elses opinion as a Dominant??
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 2:13:36 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		You already know the answer to this question but I'll go ahead anyway.

For starters (and because I'm a little slow sometimes) I'd like to be clear that I understand this situation. There are two guys calling themselves "dominants". One of them does not have a sub. The other does. And the one without a sub is saying that the one with a sub is doing it wrong? If I have that right I have to admit I'm confused right off the bat. I tend to like reality and actually measurable success over unproven theory.

Secondly, why MUST you call him anything? What was he planning on doing if you failed to comply? Throw a hissy fit?

Thirdly, any "dom" who thinks there is a "correct way" is automatically branding himself as naive and inexperienced. Listen to the tone on these boards. We get pretty down on the one true way crowd -- largely because they are idiots.

He is "bossing you around". Again that's kind of fascinating to me. What happens if you say, "No."

In other words, this other dom you've been chatting to is ignorant and inexperienced and stupid. Now... if you think "Sir" is a fine honorific to use for such people then knock yourself out. I just think of them as idiots. Tell him you'd be happy to refer to him as an Idiot (note the capital "I" to denote your respect).

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 2:18:18 PM   
emmacarrie86


Posts: 41
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you thank you thank you i am so glad that was the response you gave me i was worrying id got it wrong. I doubt myself too much. I knew there was no right or wrong but he is trying to tell me there is.

and yeah u got the situation right in your explanation...the new guy has been irritating me a bit with all the "call me Sir, its a respect thing!!" He even added "didnt you knw that Emma?" to make me feel like i was stupid for not "knowing" something that wasnt even a true 100% fact.


(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 2:21:27 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		1. You are required to follow your Master's lead. If he requires you to call all other Doms Sir, then you should. If he requires anything else, so be it.

2. He is interfering with your current relationship. That is a VERY delicate thing to do correctly, and I would never do so unless I suspected abuse or something similar. A Dom who jumps in like this could kill his reputation.

3. You refer to your own impressions. Is your Master aware of the situation? If so, what does he say?

You're wearing yourself down by thinking that it's your place to deal with this. I suggest that your Master should have a few quick and easy rules in place for you.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 2:26:33 PM   
emmacarrie86


Posts: 41
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you Dark Steven up until tonight I had been ignoring the extra Dom but then tonight I started instant messaging him a bit on skype out of boredness as my master was away out and he lets me talk to other people Dom or sub to keep myself occupied. The extra Dom started annoying me tonight though so think when I call Master in 10 minutes I will tell him and let him make the decision for me.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 2:29:39 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		emmacarrie, I suggest you not stop with just this one case. I suggest that he add a few general rules such as allowing you the ability to do things like call nobody else Sir (that's actually diminishing your Master) and terminating a conversation immediately if you feel uncomfortable.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 2:37:04 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
emmacarrie, I suggest you not stop with just this one case. I suggest that he add a few general rules such as allowing you the ability to do things like call nobody else Sir (that's actually diminishing your Master) and terminating a conversation immediately if you feel uncomfortable.

I disagree with the bolded portion. Nothing "diminishes" me in Carol's eyes but myself. Carol referring to someone else as "Sir" indicates that she respects that person. It says nothing about me or the relative position of myself and the other person in Carol's eyes.

emmacarrie86:
Now that I've given you the "correct" (LOL) answer, I'll go ahead with some more info. Yes, in certain circles honoring the role is standard operating procedure (as opposed to honoring the individual). So yes, the expectation would be to call some random "dominant" Sir. However, my original post still stands. The non-idiots in those circles recognize that when stepping outside their own little community the rules are different. Not that I think this guy is worth your time but I'd love to know what benefit he derives from empty honorifics. Honestly, doesn't such a thing strike you as "skin deep" at best?

So that goes back to DarkSteven's first post. If YOUR dominant (you remember, the guy you intend to obey) thinks that this is appropriate then you should do so. That's because in YOUR circle (as defined by your master) that IS how it's done.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 3:01:20 PM   
Darkfeather


Posts: 1142
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
emmacarrie, I suggest you not stop with just this one case. I suggest that he add a few general rules such as allowing you the ability to do things like call nobody else Sir (that's actually diminishing your Master) and terminating a conversation immediately if you feel uncomfortable.

I disagree with the bolded portion. Nothing "diminishes" me in Carol's eyes but myself. Carol referring to someone else as "Sir" indicates that she respects that person. It says nothing about me or the relative position of myself and the other person in Carol's eyes.

emmacarrie86:
Now that I've given you the "correct" (LOL) answer, I'll go ahead with some more info. Yes, in certain circles honoring the role is standard operating procedure (as opposed to honoring the individual). So yes, the expectation would be to call some random "dominant" Sir. However, my original post still stands. The non-idiots in those circles recognize that when stepping outside their own little community the rules are different. Not that I think this guy is worth your time but I'd love to know what benefit he derives from empty honorifics. Honestly, doesn't such a thing strike you as "skin deep" at best?

So that goes back to DarkSteven's first post. If YOUR dominant (you remember, the guy you intend to obey) thinks that this is appropriate then you should do so. That's because in YOUR circle (as defined by your master) that IS how it's done.



Old school protocol was, you don't disrespect another dominant by interfering with their dynamic. "Never rub another man's rhubarb" so to speak. The idea being, whatever rules and protocols they established, no other had the right to dictate. Nowadays it seems more relaxed, the emphasis put upon the dominant to establish rules for those kinds of exchanges. But I have to agree, it does diminish respect, in that whoever is infringing does not acknowledge the personal relationship. Same thing in the vanilla world when a guy hits on another's girlfriend

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 3:03:13 PM   
keagan


Posts: 4
Status: offline 		Emma, you are under no obligation to call anyone Sir ... unless as DarkSteven said, YOUR Dom thinks it is appropriate and requires you to do so. Of course, speaking as a submissive, if my dom required me to call any man who called himself a dom on the internet 'Sir', then I suspect I would have to question the decision making ability of my dom ... but that's me.

When a man says to me you must call me Sir or Dom or Master, because that is what they are or they have "earned" the title, I see it as a huge red flag. Any man who has any sense (as far as I'm concerned) does not demand to be called anything. You need to be aware that not everyone is what or who they seem to be on the interwebs.

Some questions ... why are you listening to another man tell you that your dom is doing things wrong? Do you think he (your dom) is doing things wrong?

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 3:05:50 PM   
emmacarrie86


Posts: 41
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you both of you for your advice. on phone to Master now. The rules he has set are :

I am not aloud to add any1 to skype unless he has vetted our collarme conversation first & approves of him/her
I am not to call anyone else Sir/Master but him.
If others try give me orders or undermine Master just to get rid of them.


(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 3:38:04 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: emmacarrie86
a dom i am talking to has been telling me i HAVE to address him as Sir and he has been telling me that my Dom is doing things wrong for instance anal training etc and has been telling me the "correct way" and bossing me about.

Just block his e-mails and forget about him.


< Message edited by Rule -- 11/22/2012 3:43:28 PM >

_____________________________

"I tend to pay attention when Rule speaks" - Aswad

"You are sweet, kind, and ever so smart, Rule. You ALWAYS stretch my mind and make me think further than I might have on my own" - Duskypearls

Si vis pacem, para bellum.

(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 3:40:00 PM   
emmacarrie86


Posts: 41
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline 		I have done as of half hour ago :) he is gone now :) yeeey

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 3:44:40 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Well done.

_____________________________

"I tend to pay attention when Rule speaks" - Aswad

"You are sweet, kind, and ever so smart, Rule. You ALWAYS stretch my mind and make me think further than I might have on my own" - Duskypearls

Si vis pacem, para bellum.

(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 3:49:33 PM   
emmacarrie86


Posts: 41
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks :D

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 8:08:01 PM   
autumnember


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/30/2012
Status: offline 		You are 26 years old. Is this your first relationship? How did you handle it when other men hit on you when you had a boyfriend? There is nothing magical or even special about someone who calls themselves dominant. Use the smarts that i am going to assume that you have amassed in your adult life.

(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Other Doms - 11/22/2012 8:51:50 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		EEEeeerrrr....why would you listen to some complete stranger online instead of your own Dom?????? Did you ask him what he wants you to do???


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to autumnember)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Other Doms - 11/24/2012 6:51:40 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I don't think you should have to call anyone at all "Sir" unless YOUR Dom tells you to. Anyone who expects you to without being YOUR Dom is claiming status where they have none. I would never expect anyone to call me "Ma'am" without there being an agreed-upon dynamic already in place.

Also, anyone that tells you your own Dom is doing things wrong is, well, an asshat and butting in. One, there is no one true way and, two, it's none of his business anyway. What does your Dom think of all this? Also, why tell this other guy all the details of your relationship when it's none of his business? That's just inviting him to blab his opinion of your Dom.

NBMG


_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.


(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Other Doms - 11/25/2012 4:32:20 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		I suppose you should be thankful that you have such a patient Dom.



_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Other Doms - 11/25/2012 11:42:42 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: autumnember

You are 26 years old. Is this your first relationship? How did you handle it when other men hit on you when you had a boyfriend? There is nothing magical or even special about someone who calls themselves dominant. Use the smarts that i am going to assume that you have amassed in your adult life.


Yea that's what I was thinking... It's not rocket science. Put on your big girl panties and deal.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to autumnember)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Other Doms - 11/26/2012 5:02:33 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I'm also going to add: Why the hell are you discussing anal sex with someone other than your Master?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 20
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