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RE: Is this even possible? - 11/24/2012 5:57:36 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

I'm just about to be divorced. My marriage was 100% vanilla, and I don't have any sub experience by way of cheating. I'm looking forward to entering the world of BDSM and trying to find my dominant soulmate.


If I read this correctly, you don't have any real life experience. What fantasies are floating your boat - physical or mental submission? If it's physical, how about having a session with a Pro and see if it's something you like IRL?

(I get into different headspaces depending on whether I am playing at a dungeon, play party, friend-with-benefits, or someone I care about, but the common denominator is that pain and dominance makes me wet.)

Disccretion is an issue here. More so than "the usual" public play & pros may be an issue for a while.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Is this even possible? - 11/24/2012 6:07:39 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

quote:

ORIGINAL: ManWithFlamingPi

I'm just about to be divorced. My marriage was 100% vanilla, and I don't have any sub experience by way of cheating. I'm looking forward to entering the world of BDSM and trying to find my dominant soulmate.
"Sub experience by way of cheating".

By any other name....that'd be cheating.

Get a divorce (not a "separation"), then play.

Nuff said.

(By the way, I have 7 patents to my name 3 worldwide, if you checked my name I have over 11,000 "hits" on Google and others. Wikipeodia, might have one or two listings...not sure....my staff handles that but....if you ain't divorced {i.e., "NOT MARRIED"} you're cheating).

The fact that you're "well known" doesn't mean shit to me...I'm known (actually, that's not entirely true....my products are known) on all continents.

You're cheating...or considering it...ergo....you're slime....until you aren't.

If that wasn't clear, you're free to post again, wherein which I'll explain the entire thing again.

You're married.

Conversation over.

(Integrity matters).

Nookie hon, un-wad the undies & check out the top quote. I read it as, divorce soon to be finalized, then want to learn about submission. Nothing odd or scum-bag (that I'm reading) just new guy being nearvous.
Considering last week was discussion about why your ad for kinky room mate with benefits was a bad idea...let's let this one slide?? Please? For me?

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Is this even possible? - 11/25/2012 6:08:39 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Disccretion is an issue here. More so than "the usual" public play & pros may be an issue for a while.


Oh, I got the need to be discreet - I added the disclaimer to note that I understand that there are differences between sessions with a Pro and a partner.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Is this even possible? - 11/25/2012 6:58:18 PM   
Mishna


Posts: 70
Joined: 11/1/2008
Status: offline 		Anything is possible. A few folks here have given great advice. It's all about how you handle things at your end. And yes, discretion is huge in this lifestyle. That said, there are always situations that defy that. A friend of mine was outed in court by a former sub. It happens. It hasn't affected that individual negatively, although they have a sensitive position within their company. It did, however, open a few eyes about the person who did the outing.

The moral of the story is to choose your partners wisely. Wait for the trust to develop before letting things get too far. When in doubt, wait. Another option would be to find a mentor who can help you learn and develop until you do find that quality relationship. It's tempting to jump straight in, but it pays to take the time to do it right.

Best of luck!

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Is this even possible? - 11/28/2012 3:57:11 PM   
MissJVD


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/26/2012
Status: offline 		I agree with what the others have said. The profile is a bit questionable. If I were looking for someone, I would avoid this because if it is true, you have a lot to lose if you get caught. This question is the only different thing I can think of asking. Are you willing to risk your professionalism to join a public online group such as this one? Just look at all of the politicians, entertainers, and public figures who have ruined their life by scandle, It would not be worth it to me.Try Words with Friends.

Regards,

MissJVD

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Is this even possible? - 11/28/2012 4:19:32 PM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		for any one "high profile" afraid of being outed (yes, it's in quotes because, honestly, who the fuck cares), have your lawyer draft a non-disclosure agreement, and have your play partners sign it.

yes, it may raise some eyebrows, but you've covered your ass and can take a person to court for breaking it. be warned though, some of the more extreme kinky activities (think cutting, inflicting severe pain) may not be covered if a person wants to press criminal charges.

< Message edited by absolutchocolat -- 11/28/2012 4:20:34 PM >

(in reply to ManWithFlamingPi)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Is this even possible? - 11/28/2012 6:54:18 PM   
PrincessDonna11


Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
Status: offline 		Not David Foster are you? If so your wife looks Domme enough its her friends that would drive you crazy...or is it the "Nail Files" girl? She acted like a strippper the whole time with no respect for anyone...sounds like you need a true DOMME that doesnt feel the need to go public because she has a "public figure" sub, thats not being Dom thats stupid..but if your Kenny G come see me baby...LOL

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Is this even possible? - 11/28/2012 7:33:28 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		Fast Reply:

I'm sure you've heard the saying that there's no such thing as bad publicity.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Is this even possible? - 11/28/2012 9:30:08 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

Fast Reply:

I'm sure you've heard the saying that there's no such thing as bad publicity.

Yeah but media handlers charge 3 to 4 times normal fees to fix stupid.

For example charlie sheen can't find anyone willing to spin his crap into anything that will allow a career. Kid on his show apparently followed in his footsteps this morning.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to Baroana)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Is this even possible? - 11/29/2012 4:13:56 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U


quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

quote:

ORIGINAL: ManWithFlamingPi

I'm just about to be divorced. My marriage was 100% vanilla, and I don't have any sub experience by way of cheating. I'm looking forward to entering the world of BDSM and trying to find my dominant soulmate.
"Sub experience by way of cheating".

By any other name....that'd be cheating.

Get a divorce (not a "separation"), then play.

Nuff said.

(By the way, I have 7 patents to my name 3 worldwide, if you checked my name I have over 11,000 "hits" on Google and others. Wikipeodia, might have one or two listings...not sure....my staff handles that but....if you ain't divorced {i.e., "NOT MARRIED"} you're cheating).

The fact that you're "well known" doesn't mean shit to me...I'm known (actually, that's not entirely true....my products are known) on all continents.

You're cheating...or considering it...ergo....you're slime....until you aren't.

If that wasn't clear, you're free to post again, wherein which I'll explain the entire thing again.

You're married.

Conversation over.

(Integrity matters).

Nookie hon, un-wad the undies & check out the top quote. I read it as, divorce soon to be finalized, then want to learn about submission. Nothing odd or scum-bag (that I'm reading) just new guy being nearvous.
Considering last week was discussion about why your ad for kinky room mate with benefits was a bad idea...let's let this one slide?? Please? For me?


I misread his post....I apologize.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Is this even possible? - 11/29/2012 4:23:15 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie


quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U


quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

quote:

ORIGINAL: ManWithFlamingPi

I'm just about to be divorced. My marriage was 100% vanilla, and I don't have any sub experience by way of cheating. I'm looking forward to entering the world of BDSM and trying to find my dominant soulmate.
"Sub experience by way of cheating".

By any other name....that'd be cheating.

Get a divorce (not a "separation"), then play.

Nuff said.

(By the way, I have 7 patents to my name 3 worldwide, if you checked my name I have over 11,000 "hits" on Google and others. Wikipeodia, might have one or two listings...not sure....my staff handles that but....if you ain't divorced {i.e., "NOT MARRIED"} you're cheating).

The fact that you're "well known" doesn't mean shit to me...I'm known (actually, that's not entirely true....my products are known) on all continents.

You're cheating...or considering it...ergo....you're slime....until you aren't.

If that wasn't clear, you're free to post again, wherein which I'll explain the entire thing again.

You're married.

Conversation over.

(Integrity matters).

Nookie hon, un-wad the undies & check out the top quote. I read it as, divorce soon to be finalized, then want to learn about submission. Nothing odd or scum-bag (that I'm reading) just new guy being nearvous.
Considering last week was discussion about why your ad for kinky room mate with benefits was a bad idea...let's let this one slide?? Please? For me?


I misread his post....I apologize.





_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Is this even possible? - 12/2/2012 11:18:34 AM   
Chrisp7135


Posts: 23
Joined: 2/10/2012
Status: offline 		I'm in a position similar to yours...not a musician but have treated a few Grammy winners for medical issues.

Yeah....the concern about privacy is real. Usually you can meet someone through a site like this with a basic profile that is correct about your interests, physical appearance, and other particulars which you can modify
to hide your identity (like city and state).
From there, correspondence and phone conversations can suss out if 2 people are compatible, and meeting on neutral ground helps a lot.
I try to meet a women I'm interested in somewhere we both can enjoy ordinary things: food, culture, the physicality of the place, etc. That way, if it doesn't work out you've go the good things in life to enjoy otherwise.
You'll meet at least one or two people who insist up front about getting all your details and digits; in my experience that's a bit of a red flag.

I have had a relationship go bad where an ex threatened to out me to colleagues and others in my immediate circle. You just have to suck it up and say "go ahead" if you don't want to be
crippled by fear.

If you're thoughtful and careful you'll be just fine. When people throw caution to the wind and get a bit out of control is when it all turns to tears.

Good luck!

chris
P.S. How can you tell if you live in Nashville? The guy who mows your lawn has a Grammy

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Is this even possible? - 12/2/2012 7:47:54 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Chris I think the grammy joke follows for hollywood. I think luke skywalker is building hollywood pools, while george lucas swims in a pool of royalty money.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to Chrisp7135)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Is this even possible? - 12/2/2012 9:22:18 PM   
SavoryMistress


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/25/2012
Status: offline 		Confidentiality agreements?

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Is this even possible? - 12/2/2012 9:32:18 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SavoryMistress

Confidentiality agreements?

There are kinksters that are people others would recognize from movies, music & such that have deeper privacy concerns than "the norm" in this lifestyle

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to SavoryMistress)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Is this even possible? - 12/11/2012 9:15:45 AM   
Nelee


Posts: 205
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ManWithFlamingPi

I created this profile just to ask this question, so please accept my apologies for the lack of personal information. You'll see why in a minute. I live in the U.S., not in the Virgin Islands, by the way.

I'm just about to be divorced. My marriage was 100% vanilla, and I don't have any sub experience by way of cheating. I'm looking forward to entering the world of BDSM and trying to find my dominant soulmate. Here's the problem: while not a household name, within my profession, I'm very well known. I have two Grammy awards. I tour the country, both as a musician and as a public speaker at colleges. I'm also a college professor. I have a Wikipedia page, etc. It takes very little info for someone to be able to Google me and figure out who I am once they have a little bit of basic info and know what city I'm from.

I believe that it would be detrimental to my career (mostly the college part) for me to be out as a submissive. Yet, I can't see getting to know anyone I'm looking to "date" (I don't even know what the terminology would be) without telling them who I am and what I do for a living. I am afraid of going to munches in my city. I am afraid of having a pic on any CM or Fetlife profile. Even if I start slowly, without a pic, at some point I will have to trust people, basically with my professional life. What if we have a couple of dates and they don't work out? Anyone I come into contact with could potentially ruin me.

I've always admired the bravery and confidence of those of you who post pictures and play publicly. Is this possible for someone like me? I just want to be happy this time around.



Reading this made me tear up a little bit :(

Although I'm not famous like you (congrats on your success, BTW), I too feel the pressure of keeping my kink life and my everyday life separate. It is not simply who you are, but how people see you and respond to you. That image that you have built up, broken down... That is a frightening thought. Being focused on, seen differently, or even ridiculed for who you are is a painful thought.

(I'm using mainly my experience as a lesbian in an African-American and Southern Baptist family for most of my "perspective" here, so feel free to disregard anything I say if it doesn't apply to you).

To start off, just dip your toe in the water and start to meet people. No, you don't have to straight out go to a munch first, but you CAN (and I know this is contrary to what most people feel is right, but helped me when I first started exploring my interests) make a dummy account on a site like this and look around. Post in the forums as someone who DOESN'T has the fear of their "great secret" becoming public and just explore yourself. The more comfortable you become with yourself as a male sub, the more likely you will be comfortable with yourself as a whole, and perusing your interests.

Make life-long kink friends, find people you can trust. You don't have to let them now WHO you are outright. I'm not saying lie, but in such a sensitive situation, let the other person know that you're in a position where giving away too much information could be detrimental to your career and that you're playing it safe. If they're worth it, they will understand.

Once you have that, you can use that person for possible networking and even private munches and move up to private play parties and the like (with photog restrictions, if necessary). I know it sounds frightening and risky, but embracing that part of yourself that you've held in so long is worth it :)



quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

It'd hurt the outer as much as the outee.

If I were to disclose someone's identity online, I'd get banned from all groups and from the community itself. There is a very strong code of discretion, and keeping identities private.


That is a VERY good point. But (and I use this word with no offense intended), to a "nobody", a little negative attention is worth the "15 seconds of fame" for bringing it to everyone's attention :/


quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

for any one "high profile" afraid of being outed (yes, it's in quotes because, honestly, who the fuck cares), have your lawyer draft a non-disclosure agreement, and have your play partners sign it.


ThisthisTHIS. Seriously. Lawyers are pretty nifty with that.


(in reply to ManWithFlamingPi)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Is this even possible? - 1/4/2013 10:31:06 PM   
EsotericLady


Posts: 713
Joined: 1/2/2013
Status: offline 		I'd like to reply (privately) to your post "Is this even possible" because I understand what your concerns are
(although it seems the majority of the posters have taken your stance as being some sort of snob for daring to ask your question.)

I am highly visible in my local community and others for my involvement in the Arts, and support various high profile charity functions. I have shared in a D/s relationship with a high profile college professor and so appreciate your concern regarding the contract you have with your college. (I even attended faculty dinners with him as his "date," which we chuckled over.)

From personal experience, I believe the best way to maintain discreetness is to choose your partner(s) wisely. Divulge information about yourself over time, as you learn who you can trust. Demand respect and confidentiality from others. If people give you a hard time about your taking time to share confidences, walk away and don't allow them to make you feel guilty. DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE.

As for a photo with your profile? You don't have to have one. I don't with my established profiles. LOL I don't care if I appear brave or not!

And best wishes to you!
Regards,
Esoteric Lady

(in reply to ManWithFlamingPi)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Is this even possible? - 1/4/2013 10:32:48 PM   
EsotericLady


Posts: 713
Joined: 1/2/2013
Status: offline 		Well apparently I don't know how to send a private message at this website yet, eh? LMAO

(in reply to EsotericLady)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Is this even possible? - 1/5/2013 12:18:18 AM   
StefanandLucinda


Posts: 27
Joined: 11/27/2012
Status: offline 		Being comfortable in your own skin is the key to a happy life and only you can take yourself there.  Be careful and find someone in real life who can lead you along the paths that make you happy.  Have them sign a confidentiality agreement.  You don't need to blurt it out right away.

However, there are many malicious people who could and would hurt someone.  That someone doesn't even have to be famous nor does the tattler need to out themself to be effective.  It's very easy at this time to hide behind a computer and bully or harass someone. Also, blackmail is real and people do it everyday.  Jealousy is a nasty mistress.  Be wary.  If  a greedy person thinks that you have money and they can take it, they'll try to.

I think one day everything we have written online will be able to be googled and your real name will come up along with the address you lived at at the time you wrote something. It might take years, but it's going to happen.  Your grandkids will be able to read everything grandpa wrote online and learn all sorts of private things about you.

I assume you have a personal manager.  Trust in them and tell him/her if you plan to explore this side of yourself openly. Especially online.  They need to be prepared for the shit storm that will come.  How you handle it in public will be key to your future music making career.   I worked in L.A. in the music business and some genres allow for kinks while others won't.  If you write songs for kids or scores for Disney, you're done.  Peewee Herman just went to have fun at a sex show and we all know what happened with that.

Lucinda

< Message edited by StefanandLucinda -- 1/5/2013 12:20:57 AM >

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 39
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