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RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/27/2012 2:28:19 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Ask him how he feels about handcuffs :-)

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(in reply to Charade)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/27/2012 3:37:17 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Ask him how he feels about handcuffs :-)

Yeah this would be an eye brow raiser but doesn't guarantee he's any more dom than the average wanker

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/27/2012 4:34:58 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX

If you say that your submissiveness has to be inspired, it could also been seen that you are not a natural submissive.



Nobody whose opinion I value would look at it that way.

MY submissive submits to ME. Nobody else unless I tell her so.

I have chatted with numerous owned submissives on this board. I would never demand nor expect them to be in any way, shape, or form submissive to me. Because they are required to submit to THEIR Dom/mes, and not me.

Period.


I fully agree. My subs submit to Me because they CHOOSE to submit to Me alone and not to any others. Anyone else who tries to be domineering to them gets a "FJCK OFF!" response. I also don't try to Dominate others' subs, I'm not into that.

As for bringing it up on a vanilla date, well, if it's important to you to have some aspect of submission in your life I highly recommend that you do discuss it at some point before getting too attached. I speak to enough vanilla-married subs to know that if you CRAVE to be submissive (whether it be in the bedroom or in full-time Power Exchange) and you marry a partner who doesn't have a Dominant bone in their body, it may work for awhile but eventually you are going to get very frustrated by their unwillingless to at least PLAY as Dominant. Most vanillas just brush it aside as a "kinky deviation" and don't realize their spouse may really CRAVE it, even if it's just bedroom play.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/27/2012 8:19:07 PM   
littleone14


Posts: 185
Joined: 7/4/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Ask him how he feels about handcuffs :-)

Yeah this would be an eye brow raiser but doesn't guarantee he's any more dom than the average wanker


Yeah, I've known plenty of vanilla guys that were totally keen on the idea of ordering me around during kinky sex, but it just isn't the same thing......

I actually have been talking to a guy I met on a vanilla site, and from a few clues I laid out there he picked up that I'm submissive, and he likes that. Our first date isn't til later this week, so who knows, but at least its a start!

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/27/2012 9:19:10 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		I'm kinkier than a rusty roll of concertina wire. I do not look for intimate relationships outside of the BDSM community; so the question is moot.

(in reply to littleone14)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/29/2012 12:15:34 PM   
thezeppo


Posts: 441
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline 		It's something that's fairly crucial to me, and the two times I have actually attempted this I have done it by breaking it into small chunks. I start by talking about my foot fetish, then in theory move on from there. I've ended up massively discouraged both times though and not got any further than foot fetish. So maybe not the best plan.

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/29/2012 12:27:21 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thezeppo

It's something that's fairly crucial to me, and the two times I have actually attempted this I have done it by breaking it into small chunks. I start by talking about my foot fetish, then in theory move on from there. I've ended up massively discouraged both times though and not got any further than foot fetish. So maybe not the best plan.

Possibly because even a nilla woman sees this as being your fetish delivery system instead of your partner?!? I mean personally I really enjoy pedicures, the pampering the attention then leaving without a horney dude attached to my foot. Seeing the difference?

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to thezeppo)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/29/2012 5:58:30 PM   
icarus020


Posts: 21
Joined: 11/16/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14

Hi All ~

This is a purely hypothetical question, but one that I've wondered about since I started admitting to myself I was submissive. If you met someone thru a vanilla venue, how and at what point would you start talking about your desire to be submissive? How would you go about weeding out dates that weren't dominant?




Hi littleone14,

I'm going to add in here...I know it's a little late in the day but here goes.

I personally think that if you are on the hunt for someone with dominant tendancies that you got to consider it very much like other aspects of dating. You don't just blurt things out, neither do you hold on to a piece of information that's going to be a deal-breaker.

There's no absolutely correct time. It's different every time. What I will say though is that if you are talking to someone who has dominant tendancies and is on the lookout for a sub (or someone with submissive tendancies), eventually that'll come out too.

I don't reveal that info straight off (let's say first date/meeting), but I might mention it the second or third time we meet up subtley. It's certainly easier with someone who is unknown. They don't know you, your friends, or family. They are less likely to go and blab to the people in your life that don't yet know. The worst case is that they'll be a: 'oh I went out with someone who liked [insert kink here] once'.

Trust your instincts. We have them for a reason.

(in reply to littleone14)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/29/2012 11:52:03 PM   
thezeppo


Posts: 441
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U


quote:

ORIGINAL: thezeppo

It's something that's fairly crucial to me, and the two times I have actually attempted this I have done it by breaking it into small chunks. I start by talking about my foot fetish, then in theory move on from there. I've ended up massively discouraged both times though and not got any further than foot fetish. So maybe not the best plan.

Possibly because even a nilla woman sees this as being your fetish delivery system instead of your partner?!? I mean personally I really enjoy pedicures, the pampering the attention then leaving without a horney dude attached to my foot. Seeing the difference?



Again, I have tried this twice, neither time with people who were new to me. I'm not quite willing to call that technique a fetish delivery system, its more that I am more open about my foot fetish than my other kinks so if it all went wrong I wouldn't mind that being shouted all over town. Do you not think it would be creepier to get turned on by something and not tell your partner what it was? I think there are several shades of grey between telling someone you have a foot fetish and becoming a horny dude attached to their foot as well!

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/30/2012 7:26:57 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thezeppo
Do you not think it would be creepier to get turned on by something and not tell your partner what it was? I think there are several shades of grey between telling someone you have a foot fetish and becoming a horny dude attached to their foot as well!

I think not being honest about "fringe sexuality" in the beginning is an issue. I also think MY sexuality revolving around your kink is setting yourself up for chronic disappointment. Shades of grey...OMG seriously?
Someone that doesn't understand the squickyness of foot worship hasn't been on the receiving end of what should have been no more than 2 minutes of "mistress I'm so greatful for you (kiss boot)" turning into progressively worse & worse attention & finally a request to rub their penis on my VERY expensive boots. It went from kinda hot but makes him happy to oh so not very quickly. I would say somewhere there is a sub still walking around with my stiletto mark on his ass.

Its not the fetish itself that to me is an issue, fetishists have found me some VERY hot shoes, its the pinpoint focus of the fetish I have an issue with because the interaction becomes less & less about submission & more about what they can do to your feet/shoes. Thus how my logic follows fetish is about the focus of the fetish & less about submission to the fetish delivery system

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to thezeppo)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/30/2012 8:27:55 AM   
PrincessDonna11


Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
Status: offline 		First I'd have to know weather the person "feels" Dom to you, if not it may seem you are wasting your time...if the person IS Dom they may already know you are sub rooted and you need to just stay in service mode until directions are given...

(in reply to Charade)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/30/2012 3:37:00 PM   
thezeppo


Posts: 441
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U


quote:

ORIGINAL: thezeppo
Do you not think it would be creepier to get turned on by something and not tell your partner what it was? I think there are several shades of grey between telling someone you have a foot fetish and becoming a horny dude attached to their foot as well!

I think not being honest about "fringe sexuality" in the beginning is an issue. I also think MY sexuality revolving around your kink is setting yourself up for chronic disappointment. Shades of grey...OMG seriously?
Someone that doesn't understand the squickyness of foot worship hasn't been on the receiving end of what should have been no more than 2 minutes of "mistress I'm so greatful for you (kiss boot)" turning into progressively worse & worse attention & finally a request to rub their penis on my VERY expensive boots. It went from kinda hot but makes him happy to oh so not very quickly. I would say somewhere there is a sub still walking around with my stiletto mark on his ass.

Its not the fetish itself that to me is an issue, fetishists have found me some VERY hot shoes, its the pinpoint focus of the fetish I have an issue with because the interaction becomes less & less about submission & more about what they can do to your feet/shoes. Thus how my logic follows fetish is about the focus of the fetish & less about submission to the fetish delivery system


Ah, ok so the Domme rather than the technique is the fetish delivery system. I follow you now. Is that something you have found with all foot fetishists you have encountered? Or is it something that is true of fetishes in general? I can only speak for myself, but I don't recognise myself at all in your description. If that was what I was doing then the stiletto would be absolutely deserved! To my mind the foot fetish is probably the most mainstream, so to me it is a form of potential damage limitation to initially describe myself as a fetishist rather than a submissive. I don't say it with any kind of expectation, and I have never pushed anyone to deliver my fetish to me. I found that when I was in a d/s relationship my foot fetish was far less important to me than her desires. You say OMG seriously when I mention there being shades of grey but then go straight ahead with a one size fits all definition of foot fetish. Or was it OMG seriously because the book has ruined that phrase?

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/30/2012 4:01:59 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Yes the book has ruined it

Myself if someone told me they were a fetishist the radar would go up. Questions would be asked about the breadth & depth of their experience. If l feel its all about the fetish, I will (and have) get up & leave.
Submission with an interest in foot worship TO ME is a very very different thing than a foot fetishist. One appreciates my hot shoes, the other would hump them...with or without me in them. I have no interest in a kink where I am optional

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to thezeppo)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/30/2012 4:33:55 PM   
thezeppo


Posts: 441
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline 		stupid book, I like that phrase as well! The book had completely exited my head when I initially wrote it anyway, I shall have to find a different analogy in the future. That absolutely makes sense to me, and I can see why someone identifying themselves as a fetishist rather than a submissive would cause warning signs to a domme. Do you think the same would hold true of someone in the vanilla world though? If I was speaking to someone that I knew was a domme, or switch or sub, I wouldn't identify myself as a fetishist, because I know that the mere fact of me being sub isn't going to make them run away.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 11/30/2012 5:06:04 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Vanilla I would actually think "I'm a little sub" would play better than "I have this little foot fetish"...because immediately the image that comes to mind is man in her shoes licking fondling & fucking them. Yes I totally understand a SHOE fetish & foot fetish are different...BUT the perception is one in the same in vanilla world.

For instance i like having my toes sucked ...as part of other sexual play. Hot heels a fetishists bad habit kind of rubbed off on me because some of them are so pretty when I go out! But a full blown let me get horney with & on those same shoes brings up aggression & vomit. Same with the guy that was too into my pedicure paid for at salon. Scrub & polish is great, but the 15th time I hear how pretty my feet are & look down to a boner an inch from my toe OH HEEEEELL NO!

I would say decide are you submissive & enjoy feet or are you a fetishist? I believei read you saying fetishist...if that's the case stick to more fetish centric sites...you would probably be a good martial match for someone with a large shoe collection or leather because it's more complimentary. The reason people freak on the foot thing is they don't understand & think eewe dirty perv...someone with a complimentary perv will go oooh he likes feet, maybe he won't freak at my 200 shoes. That being said, its a smaller portion of the small portion of the world that "gets it" to find a complimentary kink.


_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to thezeppo)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 12/1/2012 1:35:18 AM   
SingingKestrel


Posts: 9
Joined: 12/1/2012
From: West Coast
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX

If you say that your submissiveness has to be inspired, it could also been seen that you are not a natural submissive.



Nobody whose opinion I value would look at it that way.

MY submissive submits to ME. Nobody else unless I tell her so.

I have chatted with numerous owned submissives on this board. I would never demand nor expect them to be in any way, shape, or form submissive to me. Because they are required to submit to THEIR Dom/mes, and not me.

Period.


i agree completly. i am what i suppose some would term a 'natural' submissive. i tend to show a certain amount of submissive behavior to every male i encounter but i only call one man Sir.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 12/1/2012 1:42:52 AM   
Joyfulobedience


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/17/2012
Status: offline 		Upon losing my virginity, under great intoxication, I admitted that I wanted to submit to her, and was shot down.
She did however proceed to mention it to our circle of friends. I simply said "nothing wrong with kinky." And laughed it off. They begged to change the subject, which is strange, considering my particular group of friends was particularly fond of outrageous humor and liberal tendencies. Goddamn sexual repression!

(in reply to Charade)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 12/1/2012 6:52:41 AM   
thezeppo


Posts: 441
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

I would say decide are you submissive & enjoy feet or are you a fetishist?



I am sub. I take on board what you say though, it's something I will definitely consider should the situation arise again in the vanilla world.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 12/2/2012 4:40:35 PM   
LordofDecadence


Posts: 12
Joined: 3/10/2012
Status: offline 		For me this has actually worked in the past. Granted I have a background in profiling ppl but thats only a plus. After around the 3rd to 5th date after I get a good basis of what the person is like, IE: are they trust worthy, are they confident, are they responsible, etc., I will generally start subtly probing to see how they would view it first. I would make a quick joke based on kinky stuff, or pose a hypothetical question that is carefully worded to leave me an out and not arouse too much suspicion, etc. This would let me know if she is even into the idea or how their view on the topic is. Then, if everything goes well and all the conditions for my trust and safety are met, I literally just tell them in a romantic setting. I will also tend to use some terminology in the first few dates as a pun to study if they are knowledgeable about the lifestyle at all. Specifically words that only someone in the lifestyle would catch onto.

9/10 this way works. (assuming they chocolate and not vanilla)

(in reply to Charade)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Telling a vanilla date you're a sub. - 12/2/2012 9:47:00 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Joyfulobedience

Upon losing my virginity, under great intoxication, I admitted that I wanted to submit to her, and was shot down.
She did however proceed to mention it to our circle of friends. I simply said "nothing wrong with kinky." And laughed it off. They begged to change the subject, which is strange, considering my particular group of friends was particularly fond of outrageous humor and liberal tendencies. Goddamn sexual repression!

There is much more than being outed wrong with this scenario!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to Joyfulobedience)
Profile   Post #: 40
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