Coping with vanilla life! (Full Version)

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thezeppo -> Coping with vanilla life! (11/25/2012 9:24:31 AM)

First things first, hello to everyone. I have been here about a week and a half now, and this looks like a pretty cool site. I wanted to ask some advice, I hope this is the right place. I think this is going to be a long one as well, I'm sorry!

I've just turned 26 and I have been single for quite a while now. I have had a few dates in that time, its not that I'm incapable of attracting women or anything, It just seems like I have no appetite for dating. Truthfully I am quite an inexperienced dater anyway; between 19 and 24 I was in a continuous monogamous, kinky relationship. I haven't had any relationships since that one, at least none that have lasted (to be 100% truthful I haven't actually had sex in that time either, for the same reason; Vanilla foreplay does nothing for me).

I don't think of myself as someone who is only interested in what they can get for themselves, I work as a care-giver and I always try to help others. I have been called a few things in my time but selfish has never been one of them. Trying to have a vanilla relationship makes me feel like a gay man trying to be straight though, it just doesn't work. With my ex we started out as friends, before we realised she wanted me to give her a foot massage as much as I wanted to give her a foot massage! We kind of worked out a rhythm between us and it developed into a relationship we both liked and wanted.

The only reason I bring this up here is because I feel like I have no idea what my next step is. I don't think I could spend the rest of my life in a vanilla relationship, because if someone gave me the choice of a life of submissiveness without sex, or sex without submissiveness, I would choose submission every time. Having said that, I'm not a part time submissive who would be happy just visiting a professional or something. It feels good to actually let it out, because this is an issue that has been concerning me for a little while now. I would appreciate some advice on how to actually get started as a sub, because I really don't think that creating a profile and messaging Dommes here is the answer! Thanks again

Zep



JeffBC -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/25/2012 10:13:23 AM)

OK, so I'm not a female dominant. But from all the reading I have done you seem to be what they are all looking for... a genuine, reasonable guy looking for a real relationship where "serving her" means "serving her" not "serving your kinky needs".

Insofar as "getting started", I'd recommend real life... find a munch in your area and go. Google is your friend. I'd also recommend posting on these boards. People's posting history is generally much more informative and truthful than their profile.



VioletViolence -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/25/2012 10:13:31 AM)

"because I really don't think that creating a profile and messaging Dommes here is the answer!"
It's one way, but it's not necessarily the best way. Some people find partners on here, but most folks will recommend that you get out into your kinky community and start making friends. If you refuse to do that, then online is your only hope.



theRose4U -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/25/2012 10:19:56 AM)

Well you already took care of the usual newbie hurdle of having a profile that says something about who you are & your experience without being kink heavy.
You're young so you have time on your side.
So at least you're starting off on the right foot. Realizing that male subs are the largest pool in the kinky water park may also be important. Respectful well thought out emails may help your quest. Major recommendation would be to get to a munch, join kink education groups & distinguish yourself with good manners. Most of all be patient, male subs are .10 for 2 dozen, distinguishing yourself above the pack takes time & finding someone both interested in you as a person, at least close to your country & compatible with your kinks will take patience...that's all worth it in the end



seekingreality -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/25/2012 10:21:53 AM)


quote:

I would appreciate some advice on how to actually get started as a sub, because I really don't think that creating a profile and messaging Dommes here is the answer! Thanks again

Zep



I think messaging dommes on sites like this one and other BDSM sites is just as good as anything else. Will it take time a lot of time? Sure. Will there be a lot of frustration? Sure. But that's true of vanilla dating sites as well.

In addition, you can try vanilla dating sites, and write your profile in a way that subtly suggests your submissive side. Lots of people on BDSM sites like also use vanilla sites.

And of course you can go to local munches.

But there isn't any magical -- snap-your-finger-and-it's-done way -- of connecting with a domme for a relationship.



seekingreality -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/25/2012 10:26:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

Most of all be patient, male subs are .10 for 2 dozen, distinguishing yourself above the pack takes time & finding someone both interested in you as a person, at least close to your country & compatible with your kinks will take patience...that's all worth it in the end


I agree it's important to be patient. However, I would also say not to think of yourself as a dime a dozen. There are lots of male subs, but female dommes complain just as much about finding a compatible partner other than for pure play. The best advice is to just be yourself and look for someone who you are compatible with, but don't think of yourself as a seller in a buyer's market.



SailingBum -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/25/2012 11:04:52 AM)

Hey there OP

I have had a twisted bent ever since I can remember meaning way before the internet and I've never had a problem finding like mind ppl, we are everywhere. Using the net to find clubs, munches etc is a great way to find places to hang out you still have to make yourself available. You meet kinked up folks at some of the most mundane places playing sports, on planes where you worship<yes really> the point is you have to engage in real life.

Quite frankly the net would be way down on my list because of the ratio of men to women.

BadOne



thezeppo -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/25/2012 11:24:00 AM)

Thanks very much to everyone who replied, definitely some things to think about. I'm embarrassed to say I had never actually heard of a munch until now, but that sounds pretty much ideal. I will do some research (which I probably should have done before I posted in the first place!) and see what happens with that. Thanks again, very nice of you all to reply so constructively and quickly!



theRose4U -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/25/2012 11:31:09 AM)

A munch is basically an outwardly normal cocktail party or business meeting attended by kinky people. Many are held in restaurants, bars & pubs. One near me is held in the local breakfast/ coffee place.
I'm told in the UK fet life would have better local listings for these gatherings



Kana -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/25/2012 1:10:28 PM)

quote:

The only reason I bring this up here is because I feel like I have no idea what my next step is. I don't think I could spend the rest of my life in a vanilla relationship, because if someone gave me the choice of a life of submissiveness without sex, or sex without submissiveness, I would choose submission every time. Having said that, I'm not a part time submissive who would be happy just visiting a professional or something. It feels good to actually let it out, because this is an issue that has been concerning me for a little while now. I would appreciate some advice on how to actually get started as a sub, because I really don't think that creating a profile and messaging Dommes here is the answer! Thanks again

The next step is exactly the same as in a nilla relationship-find a gal who strikes your fancy, someone who has the same morals, values, ethics. Someone who makes you laugh, someone who you can share things with, someone worthy of trust, someone you want to build a life with.
Look, take away the toys and the leather, the latex and rubber, and when you get down to it, kink or no kink, it's still a relationship. Just that.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
And it needs the same ingredients to succeed as any other relationship.
Because, ya know, nilla folk, they have issues about sex shit all the time too. Maybe not the same issues, but issues nonetheless. And it's just as important to be sexually compatible in the nilla world as ours, we just have different bells and whistles



LadyPact -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/25/2012 11:41:32 PM)

I'm going to suggest real life to you, too. While there are similarities to (other) dating sites, the imbalance in numbers between female Dominant to submissive males really isn't on your side. Every time that I've researched, I've come up with a ratio of 10:1 (sub males/Dommes) for new accounts and that was just in the USA. (I won't say much about the quality of said profiles. I'll wait for you to read a thread about fake women here to come to your own conclusions.)

I also agree that it is still a relationship. However, if you are one of the folks who knows they have to be able to express their submission to be happy, I'd say that ranks pretty high up there in qualities that your potential partner (Dominance) MUST have. People do meet kink people everywhere but if you know you want to meet a kink person, you go where the kinky people gather. Sure, that person that you meet at the bookstore might be kinky. There's also a very good chance that they are not.

Best of luck to you.



kalikshama -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/26/2012 4:38:59 PM)

quote:

The only reason I bring this up here is because I feel like I have no idea what my next step is.


I recommend you get some non fiction from the booklist: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm and find groups near you on fetlife, where it is easier to find events. I prefer munches that have an educational component, rather than just being a dinner.

I see you are under 35 and in the UK - also try informedconsent and if you want to hang with people in your age range, look for U35 groups on both sites. (Here in the US groups for under 35 are called TNG.)

I also recommend putting a city on your profile.



thezeppo -> RE: Coping with vanilla life! (11/27/2012 3:24:20 AM)

Ah, ok, fetlife I have heard of. I have created a profile there so I will have a look around for local munches. I'm pretty close to Liverpool and Manchester so I'm fairly certain there will be something happening. My New Years resolution therefore is to visit a munch and actually meet people! Thanks again to everyone, I will maybe update once I have something more to say. Thanks for the informedconsent recommendation as well, I hadn't heard of that site before so I will have a look

Zep



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