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Not another newbie post :) - 11/25/2012 8:31:02 PM

onesubpet

Posts: 7
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline

Hi all,

I'm new here and to the whole kink scene.

I've always know that I like to crossdress. Recently while playing an online game I met a nice person and we've become friends. Through our discussions on line we have discovered to both of our delights that I am sub and she is Domme. Our relationship is a little complicated by two big obstacles. This first is distance, she lives in Texas and I'm in California. Secondly I am married. My wife has no (and yes I've checked) interest in my crossdressing and in no way the kink scene or my submission.

She calls me pet and I call her Mistress when we play, and we are not playing we drop the the names completely. She recently told me that I am special to her and that made me feel good. We have talked about meeting IRL but that will be months down the road IF it happens. I hope that it does.

Anyway I am here to find out more about the kink side of me and the kink life.

thanks for listening

onesubpet

Post #: 1

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/25/2012 8:56:24 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

First & foremost does this domme know about your wife? Next are you planning to tell your wife "hey off for a kinky weekend in TX"? While its sweet that she's telling you nice things, online relationships should be taken with a grain of salt until you actually meet face to face.
For instance a member of my family in TX is a lying disgraceful user of a human being that will literally suck out your will to live given the chance...she's sweet, loving, kind & doesn't care about marital status (because she's living with someone too) until you don't give her what she wants...then the threats to call your wife start.

Online its impossible to tell if this domme is someone worth leaving your family for, or someone willing to ruin your life & play games with your heart
YMMV

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to onesubpet)

Post #: 2

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/25/2012 9:23:19 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Hi and welcome to the boards.

If your wife knows and is on board, you might be interested in reading some of the poly threads. An open or poly relationship is a tricky one to handle, there are some people here who can give a real insight into how to make it work for everyone.

If she's not on board, well, I'm afraid you won't get much advice on how to cheat.

Join in with some threads, lots of interesting stuff to discover here. And I second the advice about being wary of online relationships. I know you are a big boy, but just be aware of your own feelings. It's so easy to over-romanticize a person online, because you only see what they want you to see and your imagination will fill in the gaps. This is especially true when it is your first Dom/sub encounter because it's easy to get overexcited and lose your head when you finally get a taste of something you have fantasised about for a long time. Some trips into your local community might really help in seeing how others run their relationships, not to mention give you some great inspiration and support.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to onesubpet)

Post #: 3

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/26/2012 8:38:24 AM

ObedientPet760

Posts: 13
Joined: 11/25/2012
Status: offline

Athena and theRose always give such useful and helpful tips....Bows to the two of you!

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 4

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/26/2012 2:35:38 PM

onesubpet

Posts: 7
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline

Thanks for the great advice. I think I fell into that trap pretty hard :(. She does know about my wife, and we have spoken on the phone a lot. I'm in the dumps right now because she wants to back out due to some personal things going on in her life. I try to understand it all but it gets overwhelming. I'm not looking for help in cheating, but my wife doesn't know. When she (my wife) first found out about my cross dressing she threw an absolute fit. We almost got a divorce over it :( ... I went to counseling for over a year but of course that didn't help my desire at all. I just learned how to play the hiding game. I know that there is a lot at stake here. I guess I just need to spill my guts somewhere where people can understand what I'm talking about...

(in reply to ObedientPet760)

Post #: 5

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/26/2012 6:36:15 PM

BambiBoi

Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
Status: offline

I think you may misunderstood Athena's concern about your wife.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, Athena, but your concern is not limited to potential play partners knowing you're married, but also your wife's interest in you meeting other people. You said she has no interest in this, does that mean she's allowing you to explore it with others or are you on a cheating path?

_____________________________

<3

(in reply to onesubpet)

Post #: 6

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/26/2012 7:32:11 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onesubpet

Thanks for the great advice. I think I fell into that trap pretty hard :(. She does know about my wife, and we have spoken on the phone a lot. I'm in the dumps right now because she wants to back out due to some personal things going on in her life. I try to understand it all but it gets overwhelming. I'm not looking for help in cheating, but my wife doesn't know. When she (my wife) first found out about my cross dressing she threw an absolute fit. We almost got a divorce over it :( ... I went to counseling for over a year but of course that didn't help my desire at all. I just learned how to play the hiding game. I know that there is a lot at stake here. I guess I just need to spill my guts somewhere where people can understand what I'm talking about...

We "get it" but you will find many like me that are very anti-liar, anti-cheater
Recommendation is to search the kink friendly therapist list & talk to one. Let them help you sort out thw how's why's & wherefores of this evolution you're on. It likely in my opinion will end in divorce, but therapy may give you some better ideas on why & what you need to move forward.
Lies in the closet tend to grow & stink up the rest of your life, its likely your wife knows you're still doing this behind her back but it waiting for a "grand incident" to finally end things. The couragious & honorable thing is to figure out an honest life before the train gets there.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to onesubpet)

Post #: 7

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/26/2012 11:17:38 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BambiBoi

I think you may misunderstood Athena's concern about your wife.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, Athena, but your concern is not limited to potential play partners knowing you're married, but also your wife's interest in you meeting other people. You said she has no interest in this, does that mean she's allowing you to explore it with others or are you on a cheating path?

Thank you Bambi.

OP, in my eyes what you're doing is unethical unless EVERYONE involved knows and agrees. It sucks your wife doesn't support you in this, but doing it behind her back is still cheating.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to BambiBoi)

Post #: 8

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 2:30:32 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Ignoring the ethical aspects and focusing on the practical - OP, your crossdressing has the prospect of killing your marriage. It's becoming a big part of your life. You're on a collision course with a divorce right now. I'd suggest you choose dressing or your marriage, and make that decision and abide by it. Else the decision will not be made by you.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 9

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 2:38:06 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

How about the time I spent months talking to someone, fly to see him he forgets to pick me up, and when he finally does I get thrown out of the house. He lived with his aunt and uncle and his aunt said no I couldn't come stay for a visit and he told me to come anyway. Erroniously thinking once I was there she wouldn't throw me out. I had to get a flea bag motel and he didn't even want to help me get to the airport . He wanted me to figure the bus routes out n go to the ap alone. I told him oh hell no. You're escorting me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

? While its sweet that she's telling you nice things, online relationships should be taken with a grain of salt until you actually meet face to face.
For instance a member of my family in TX is a lying disgraceful user of a human being that will literally suck out your will to live given the chance...she's sweet, loving, kind & doesn't care about marital status (because she's living with someone too) until you don't give her what she wants...then the threats to call your wife start.

Online its impossible to tell if this domme is someone worth leaving your family for, or someone willing to ruin your life & play games with your heart
YMMV

_____________________________

One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 10

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 2:46:09 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm with Steven.

Frankly, OP, if you were the MAN in My life and wanted to wear panties, I'd kick you to the curb so fast your head would spin. Kudos to the woman who is still with you. I'd toss any male who had a fetish that was more important than the relationship, especially one that would disgust Me in the bedroom.

She didn't sign up for this! Only a selfish bastard would want her to give up her understanding of the man she married and yet, expect her to stay. Hey, if she decides tomorrow that she is only attracted to genetic women, are you willing to go along for the ride? Not ever being sexually attracted to her again? Just be the human that hangs around even though the fetish is a priority?

Divorce her. This allows you to have your fetish and her to have the man that she wants in her life. Why are you cheating her out of what any woman deserves out of her existence?

Run off to the online <cough> mistress <cough>. You obviously both have the same ethical and moral standing. May you both get exactly what you have earned and deserve.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 11

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 3:36:10 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

Looking at this from a different angle.

How do you know this wife is not the one asking or begging him to stay? It happens you know. The spouse doesn't like a change in their partner, maybe a part of them they didn't know existed or possibly kept hidden, keeping that person from being themselves for many years. One day they come out of the closet or make a discovery that brings the individual happiness and the spouse is shocked and upset. The shock and upset is understandable, finding out a secret, which was either purposely hidden, or was not. Sometimes someone discovers something new about themselves later, which wasn't a lie. It was just a undiscovered truth. Something that completes them, makes them feel whole, where otherwise they did not. The spouse doesnt care in the least though, he or she just want things back to the way they want them to fill thier own want.
I am speculating, but the wife may be the one wanting to stay married, but want her partner to be who she desires. Is it not possible, for the spouse to be the selfish one, wanting the person not to be themselves, but who they want them to be?
THe question is if this were the case scenerio, who is really at biggest fault? The spouse who ends up cheating, because they are not accepted for who they are, or the spouse who insists on staying married and who also insisted their partner be not authenic to thier own inner self to please them? Basically the spouse who can not accept the change is asking that person to live a lie.
Sometimes spouses want you to be what they want, and they also want you to stay at any cost, whether their partner is happy or not.
When someone begs you to stay but wants you to change yourself? It becomes I cant live with you or without you.
THere are always so many factors that play out in peoples lives. Its never as black and white as people like to make it.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 12

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 3:40:58 AM

Mezrem

Posts: 311
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm with Steven.

Frankly, OP, if you were the MAN in My life and wanted to wear panties, I'd kick you to the curb so fast your head would spin. Kudos to the woman who is still with you. I'd toss any male who had a fetish that was more important than the relationship, especially one that would disgust Me in the bedroom.

She didn't sign up for this! Only a selfish bastard would want her to give up her understanding of the man she married and yet, expect her to stay. Hey, if she decides tomorrow that she is only attracted to genetic women, are you willing to go along for the ride? Not ever being sexually attracted to her again? Just be the human that hangs around even though the fetish is a priority?

Divorce her. This allows you to have your fetish and her to have the man that she wants in her life. Why are you cheating her out of what any woman deserves out of her existence?

Run off to the online <cough> mistress <cough>. You obviously both have the same ethical and moral standing. May you both get exactly what you have earned and deserve.

I love when you sugar coat it Lady Pact. To the OP you are cheating end of story. The last thing you need is to hop into a relationship. Sounds like you need to figure yourself out and man up one way or the other. This is the real world and you can't have your cake and eat it too. I understand you believed you would get support here.. but what you did not know is many reputable people in the community have no time for those who lie and cheat. Sugar coat it how ever you like but your actions tell the true story.

_____________________________

Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.

~Storm Jameson

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 13

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 3:49:00 AM

Mezrem

Posts: 311
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

Looking at this from a different angle.

How do you know this wife is not the one asking or begging him to stay? It happens you know. The spouse doesn't like a change in their partner, maybe a part of them they didn't know existed or possibly kept hidden, keeping that person from being themselves for many years. One day they come out of the closet or make a discovery that brings the individual happiness and the spouse is shocked and upset. The shock and upset is understandable, finding out a secret, which was either purposely hidden, or was not. Sometimes someone discovers something new about themselves later, which wasn't a lie. It was just a undiscovered truth. Something that completes them, makes them feel whole, where otherwise they did not. The spouse doesnt care in the least though, he or she just want things back to the way they want them to fill thier own want.
I am speculating, but the wife may be the one wanting to stay married, but want her partner to be who she desires. Is it not possible, for the spouse to be the selfish one, wanting the person not to be themselves, but who they want them to be?
THe question is if this were the case scenerio, who is really at biggest fault? The spouse who ends up cheating, because they are not accepted for who they are, or the spouse who insists on staying married and who also insisted their partner be not authenic to thier own inner self to please them? Basically the spouse who can not accept the change is asking that person to live a lie.
Sometimes spouses want you to be what they want, and they also want you to stay at any cost, whether their partner is happy or not.
When someone begs you to stay but wants you to change yourself? It becomes I cant live with you or without you.
THere are always so many factors that play out in peoples lives. Its never as black and white as people like to make it.

It is black and white.. he is seeking out another relationship without his wife knowing. That means he is cheating. He is not giving her a choice in the matter because she has no idea it's happening (according to his own post). You can try and justify it if you like. She may not accept his fetish but she gave him the choice of having the fetish or having her. He made the choice to keep his marriage. Now he is cheating on his wife as well as seeking out his fetish. As Lady Pact stated in her post "She didn't sign up for this!" he is cheating and telling lies removing her choice.

_____________________________

Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.

~Storm Jameson

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Post #: 14

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 6:25:28 AM

onesubpet

Posts: 7
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline

You guys are all --- well right. I'm such a shit head :( I need to change my thoughts and actions -- Now I just got to figure out how

op

(in reply to Mezrem)

Post #: 15

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 8:25:39 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onesubpet

You guys are all --- well right. I'm such a shit head :( I need to change my thoughts and actions -- Now I just got to figure out how

op

Well, you start by saying bye-bye to the online chick who is helping the drive to fuck up your marriage. That's as easy as explaining that you are married (if you haven't already) and then hitting the 'ignore' button that is available on darn near any online game. If she's got any integrity, she'll understand why you are not chatting with her anymore.

Then, you need to come to a decision about your marriage and your fetish. You included a very important word in your original post. That word was "always".

quote:

I've always know that I like to crossdress.

Now, that says to Me that you knew you had this fetish before you got married. By your own words, she wants nothing to do with this. That tells Me that you either thought you could be the vanilla guy that she wanted or you were attempting a bait and switch. Neither of which is a good idea, but now you are where you are.

There's an old saying that goes, "shit or get off of the pot". You need to figure out what is your higher priority. The marriage or the fetish. If it's the marriage, stop the extra curricular bullshit. Engage in your cross dressing in the way that has been agreed is acceptable between you and your wife (or abstain) and stop looking for ways to enact your fantasies on the net. If it's the fetish, do the right thing and get a divorce so you don't drag your wife through hell and make her miserable because

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to onesubpet)

Post #: 16

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 8:59:45 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

by LP on both her posts and I fully agree with them.

From your original post, as LP pointed out, you have always known about your kink so was hoping to keep it in the closet.
That's not an honest relationship and doomed to failure in the long run anyway.
And by chasing your fetish behind your wife's back is not nice either - that's dishonesty at its worst.

Personally, like many have said, if you can't be honest with your wife then you are cheating - pure and simple.

Seeing as you've always wanted your fetish, at almost any cost (as your actions have proven already), I don't see that you can be living a lie because you will perpetually digress from being honest with your wife in that persuit.

IMHO, you are best to get a divorce and start all over again with someone you can be open and honest with and who will accept your kink.

Just my

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 9:03:32 AM

ObedientPet760

Posts: 13
Joined: 11/25/2012
Status: offline

BS!!!

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Post #: 18

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 9:43:20 AM

PrincessDonna11

Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
Status: offline

It has to be hard to be in a marriage where you can not be yourself....

(in reply to ObedientPet760)

Post #: 19

RE: Not another newbie post :) - 11/27/2012 9:52:30 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna11

It has to be hard to be in a marriage where you can not be yourself....

Yes... and it is hard being in a marriage and being the child and grand child of a liar that places his kink before all those he should consider and love. Which is worse?

I'd do anything for love... but I won't do that. Remember... how romantic. For love of self and kink... I would hurt everyone in my world, based on fantasy, a woman online that says she cares and a massage therapist that plugged an ass.

It is very easy to be delusional, kinky and justified and lacking honor and family integrity. It is much harder in the view of the me,me,me types and and weak ass people to be a human of character than to consider not having so much me, me, me fun so that everyone can be happy.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to PrincessDonna11)

Post #: 20

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