Protocol for approaching Dominants (Full Version)

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Lilly425 -> Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/26/2012 6:58:56 PM)

I’d like to ask a question in regard to protocol among Dominants and Submissives. I recall reading somewhere that it was proper protocol for Dominants to approach Submissives and not the other way around. Is this a truth? And if so, does it only apply to real-time scenarios such as clubs or play parties?

Is there a proper protocol for on-line? I am hesitant to approach a Dominant for the following reason. If I approach a Dominant and then later determine we aren’t compatible for whatever reason, I fear that he would be angry with me for initiating something I didn’t follow through on or for wasting his time. I’m interested in meeting someone yet I’m also frustrated with being the initiator as I’ve done (unsuccessfully) in the past. But if I misunderstand protocol and the Dominants are waiting for me to approach them, well then I obviously need to change my mindset and approach!

My “normal” daytime persona is that of a strong, independent, ambitious woman and I think nearly everyone who knows me would be surprised to learn that I am sexually submissive. As such, I tend to attract men who are looking for a woman to take care of them. Are there changes I should make in my behavior that may result in attracting more Dominant men?

Thanks in advance for any feedback.




littlewonder -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/26/2012 7:06:55 PM)

There is no protocol. There is no right or wrong. Anyone can approach anyone.

How did you meet people before you "discovered" bdsm???

There's nothing different.






poise -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/26/2012 7:07:10 PM)

Until you are in a D/s relationship, the protocol is whatever you want it to be, just like in your daytime persona.
In the event you find someone and establish a relationship, then you can follow whatever protocol he expects from you, if any.
And in the event that things don't work out, I hardly think they would accuse you of leading them on because you made the first move.
Compatibility isn't a guarantee here anymore than it is in the vanilla dating scene.




theRose4U -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/26/2012 7:07:38 PM)

Here its pretty much either can approach just be polite. Its online so no don't get wrapped up in tasks,naked skype verifications or deep protocols with someone you've never met in real life. Don't give out address, real traceable phone numbers (skype or VOIP are safe), or credit card info.
Get to know them like any other man! If they aren't for you, they aren't for you...block & delete are your friend if they can't take no like gentlemen.

Getting out to a public munch (cocktail party) is an easier way to kick tires & find someone you can see up close.




muhly22222 -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/26/2012 7:30:49 PM)

Don't think of it in terms of "submissive" or "dominant." Think in terms of people. There's nothing stopping one person from approaching another person. If one of those people is angry when it eventually becomes apparent that the relationship wouldn't work, it just makes it easier for the other one to leave with no regrets.

If you find yourself attracted to a guy on the basis of his profile, there's no problem in messaging him. In fact, I can say with some certainty that most of the men on CM love to receive messages, so you'll find yourself welcomed with open arms. If it doesn't work out, then so be it.

As for how to attract men who are more dominant, that I don't know, outside of just getting to know them better.




Lilly425 -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/26/2012 7:31:39 PM)

Thank you to each of you for your response. I forgot to mention that there doesn't appear to be any type of community (munches, etc.) locally which makes it even more difficult. Sounds like I may just need to summon the courage to approach some interesting people on my own. I understand the need to be cautious and consider safety throughout all of this. Thanks again!




poise -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/26/2012 7:39:05 PM)

Lilly, there are several people from Michigan here on the boards, and from what I can recall of their posts,
they often mentioned a pretty active community. If you haven't already, I'd suggest joining Fetlife,
and searching there for groups that are local to you.




SimplyMichael -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/26/2012 8:11:11 PM)

Just in case some nitwit tells you advice on CM isnt from "serious" people, there are nationally know presenters here who will tell you the same thing, there is no right way. Hell for me, I barely bother hitting up women cause it only seems to go somewhere when they contact me, so if someone is waiting for me its likely to be a long wait.

There are a few polite things that will go over well.

When you approach someone with a partner, include them on the conversation, or make mention of them. If I contact someone with a partner, I always drop a "you two" or some such in there. Nothing cheesier than someine coming up at a party and trying to monopolize your partner.

However, the vanilla social skills are fine.

Here is why this is true. It requires your permission before I can require you to obey my protocol.




SeekingTrinity -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/26/2012 8:27:43 PM)

You cant really go wrong with approaching someone in a friendly manner. They are a human being, you are a human being...keep it simple. I actually prefer someone to approach me in a friendly way. When they start going all kink-heavy right from the start, it totally turns me off and actually kind of annoys me. Just be yourself and try not to worry so much about someone else's perceptions might be. If you find someone's profile and it speaks to you in some meaningful way, there is no harm and no foul in sending them a message saying hello. If they get bent out of shape because you do, fuck 'em. Many of us out here are people just like you are [:)]

Online is a frustrating way of trying to meet someone, but its sometimes the best that some of us have available to us. Unfortunately this particular site has its share of frustrations in the getting to know people department, but there are good outcomes that can happen as well. I met my male partner from here and its been something that has paid off really well so far. Im the type who doesnt approach others. Just my own personal way of doing things.




JeffBC -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/26/2012 9:15:22 PM)

Granted, I'm not "looking". But even if I was I can't imagine why it'd be a waste of my time for a submissive to open up a conversation. It seems like any reasonably sane human being knows that most of such conversations will not go to "happily ever after". I should think I'd interpret a submissive who approached ME as a pleasant surprise. If it later turned out we weren't compatible I might still have found a new friend. How is any of this a waste unless my only purpose here is to get laid?




DarkSteven -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/26/2012 10:21:29 PM)

Define "approach". If you make a pass at me, you might get rebuffed. (Or you might not.) If you ask for a play session, same. If you start up a conversation, you'll be accepted.

Also, you're worried about later discovering incompatibility. If it's only at the friendship level, is that an issue?

I get the feeling that you think that a casual interest in conversation would be construed as sexual/relationship interest. Nope. If I talk with a woman, a relationship isn't off the table, but it's not a given.




Silentrunner26 -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/27/2012 4:07:25 AM)

This is just me . I was on Fet Life when I saw a poem a sub wrote . I liked it and in remarks added what I thought was a extra lin for the end . To put this in a short way she saw it and loved what I said and sent me a message .
We have talked everyday since and are moving in together in a few months . There are still things that need to be worked out but for the most part yes she found me and I am so glad she did . Don't hold back go for it ! If he get mad walk away .
You never kno till you try .




Lilly425 -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/27/2012 5:15:11 AM)

This has been very helpful. Thank you everyone. I have this same "challenge" contacting people on vanilla dating sites as well. Shy, fear of ridicule, fear of rejection, whatever, but I realize I need to get over it. As many of you have suggested, I would be contacting them based on an interesting profile, something they've said in a message board, etc., and not "hey baby, can I suck you?". I've seen many of you reply to other posts, etc., and are obviously knowledge and experienced so I'm glad that I was able to "attract" the right people to respond here. :)

The larger cities in Michigan have several groups I am reaching out to. I am in a small town but some of those places are within 1-2 hour drive which would be reasonable.




AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/27/2012 5:28:20 AM)

If it helps you at all, OK Cupid published some statistics that showed most women only got responses to 35% of the emails they sent to other users, men even less. The point I'm making is online rejection is not something to be afraid of, and if you do get rejected, it's not personal. It will happen more often than not, even if you are totally awesome in every way.

Worst thing that can happen if you message someone is you will get a rude reply from someone you'll probably never meet in person. Best thing is that you find your perfect partner. If you don't contact them, the only outcome is that nothing happens. Sounds worth the gamble, don't you think?




JeffBC -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/27/2012 9:29:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Worst thing that can happen if you message someone is you will get a rude reply

compared and contrasted to... Worst thing that can happen if you don't message someone is that you piss away "happily ever after" because you were too afraid to say "Hello" to the guy that actually WAS "Mr. Right".

I personally consider losing a lifetime of happiness as fairly bad.




AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/27/2012 10:54:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC


I personally consider losing a lifetime of happiness as fairly bad.



It's these passionate emotional outbursts of yours that keep me hooked, Jeff.




kalikshama -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/27/2012 2:52:49 PM)

quote:

If it helps you at all, OK Cupid published some statistics that showed most women only got responses to 35% of the emails they sent to other users, men even less. The point I'm making is online rejection is not something to be afraid of, and if you do get rejected, it's not personal. It will happen more often than not, even if you are totally awesome in every way.

Worst thing that can happen if you message someone is you will get a rude reply from someone you'll probably never meet in person. Best thing is that you find your perfect partner. If you don't contact them, the only outcome is that nothing happens. Sounds worth the gamble, don't you think?


I have a much higher response rate on OKC than 35%, but then, I send very few messages and am very discriminating. Usually when I don't hear back it turns out they haven't been back on since I messaged them. I keep it short and sweet on OKC - the last message I sent was "Hello from a fellow foodie" to someone training to be a chef.




SeekingLTR40 -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/27/2012 6:11:46 PM)

quote:

I recall reading somewhere that it was proper protocol for Dominants to approach Submissives and not the other way around. Is this a truth?


If you are seeking to meet a Dominant who is a complement to yourself, and what you need from a relationship; there is no on-line protocol as to not being allowed to initiate contact. The only advice I would offer you is to say what about him caught your attention, and provide a little bit more feedback than: "I like your profile" or "I think you're handsome."

If you get reprimanded for "daring" to initiate contact ~ don't walk away..... run! And hit that block button on your way out. The same thing goes for any dumbinant who gets angry or upset that you determine that the two of you are not a good match. Don't hesitate to block their sorry behinds as well..... I'll say this, if that's how they react; then they only prove your instincts to have been correct. It's a sure sign of insecurity and/or narcissism. Not everyone is a match ~ even if they seem to be seeking very similar relationships.

Too many people seek out D/s and M/s relationships because they think they're "easier" than regular relationships. Those people have never been in such a relationship, and most likely are going to expect the other person to put forth all of the work and effort into making the relationship successful ~ in other words, every relationship they attempt is going to fail miserably.

Seek to get to know one another as human beings first. If you click on that level, then seek to see if you're compatible for forging a relationship with them.

As for protocol at public forums and play parties ~ well each community has their own expectations. If you don't seem to fit in naturally with a particular community, then it's probably best to not become a part of it. I've never been a part of any community in which it was inapropriate for submissives to engage in communication. However, beware of communities in which other "dominants" or "Masters" seem to interact inappropriately with submissives and slaves who are in relationships with other Dominants or Masters. A total lack of respect between members of a community, is a very telling sign that there are a lot of issues festering within the community. Drama usually takes center stage.




amaidiamond -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/27/2012 6:20:54 PM)

I met my now Dominant on here.

I stumbled across his profile when i was not seeking a relationship.. we started mailing back and forth and chatting on yahoo and got on great... he came to meet me a few weeks later and we got on great.. we were friends over two years.

Eventually I realised there was a lot more there and had a chat and things kinda clicked... now we have been together just over a year as first playmates then full time M/s

i approached him as a human primarily :)





BambiBoi -> RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants (11/27/2012 6:33:21 PM)

I tend to assume all women are taken at events. I would rather let one or two "get away" than look like the sort who is hitting on other's subs. So its refreshing when I get a clear indications of availability or interest. Even if the interest is just to be friends. I'm going to err on the side of being cold rather than be inappropriate.




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