Whats your theory? (Full Version)

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chatterbox24 -> Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 8:33:53 AM)

Why do you think this is.


When someone seems cool and aloft, emotionally unvailable, but you have a high attraction for that person, why do you think they appear more attractive, and you want them more.


THe old saying " we always want what we cant have type thing"



Hillwilliam -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 9:00:08 AM)

You Can't always get what you want.

Yaknow, that would make a cool song.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 9:00:49 AM)

Look to your parents relationship, if you are older than mid 20s.

Younger, its cause they lack the maturity to pick men "better" and the only thing they can ID is that he is aloof.

Now that is all very much a genralization.



chatterbox24 -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 9:02:17 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

You Can't always get what you want.

Yaknow, that would make a cool song.


OMg your on to something , I am positive it would be a hit!!!!!

LOL[:D]



angelikaJ -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 9:49:04 AM)

"Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”
Groucho Marx


Sometimes I think it happens when we have difficulty accepting our own value:
A) If we invest ourselves in someone who isn't giving back what we put in, then that validates those negative feelings
And/Or
B) If we manage to "snag them" it proves that they see us a being worth something and there is a lot of emotional currency in that.

Too, I think some people are really only interested in the thrill of the chase; pursuing someone who is unavailable is their drug of choice and once they get the attention, the person they were pursuing is less interesting.





absolutchocolat -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 9:55:02 AM)

i've been attracted to this type, and it's the air of mystery that makes them hot. once the mystery wears off, and i find out more about them, the thrill is gone. the person is usually a) an asshat or b) terribly insecure. either way, i run like hell when the mask falls.



chatterbox24 -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 10:24:03 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

"Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”
Groucho Marx


Sometimes I think it happens when we have difficulty accepting our own value:
A) If we invest ourselves in someone who isn't giving back what we put in, then that validates those negative feelings
And/Or
B) If we manage to "snag them" it proves that they see us a being worth something and there is a lot of emotional currency in that.

Too, I think some people are really only interested in the thrill of the chase; pursuing someone who is unavailable is their drug of choice and once they get the attention, the person they were pursuing is less interesting.





If someone is validating those negative feelings. Does that mean they are a masochist?

Keep the ideas coming, I dont care how off the wall they sound.



Nakhla -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 10:47:00 AM)


See this type never did much for me. Apathy just isn't sexy.

But if I had to guess, it gives people the illusion that this person is in control of their emotions, there for stronger on some level? Just a guess.



DesFIP -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 11:54:09 AM)

Because your parent of the opposite sex was physically and/or emotionally distant. Therefore this is familiar to you. You were taught that love was being unloved and unconnected with and you are seeking to replicate that early relationship hoping this time it will come out right.

It won't.

Take this as a sign from the universe that you need to do some work on yourself in order to become healthy and therefore only find other healthy people attractive.



joshua69 -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 12:30:40 PM)

quote:

angelikaJ

…I think some people are really only interested in the thrill of the chase; pursuing someone who is unavailable is their drug of choice and once they get the attention, the person they were pursuing is less interesting.


quote:

absolutchocolat

i've been attracted to this type, and it's the air of mystery that makes them hot. once the mystery wears off, and i find out more about them, the thrill is gone.


I’ve experienced this very thing twice in my life. When I was in high school, I fell head-over-heels for a girl who was (to add to the cliché count) out of my league, thought I was trouble and a dirt bag, etc. I pursued and eventually won her over – for a time. When she found out that, at heart, I was more of a gentleman and not the wild child, hard-partying bad boy she thought I was, she dumped me. Simply put, my mystery was gone. I was just a good guy.

And of course, upon this, I did become the “cool and aloft, emotionally unavailable” wild child, hard-partying bad boy that everyone hat always said I always was and I treated girls with indifference and, yes, even apathy. I found myself having no problem hooking up with chicks whenever I wanted. Life was my candy store. I became “that guy” and the girls seemed to respond well to the new me. And none of this was rewarding.

This came to an end several years later when I met a woman who wasn’t looking for anything special or long-term. I told her that I wasn’t looking for any of that either and not to ever expect me to tell her that I loved her. Yeah, ‘el Bastardo strikes again. But that became the strongest and best relationship I had ever had up until that point and all of my BS came crashing down. And I was actually happy to be rid of it.

I’m no longer attracted to the “cool and aloft, emotionally unavailable, you’re not in my league so don’t bother” because, having been on both sides of it, I recognize it as a fabrication. Everyone has their faults and they know it. In my opinion, they are not to be pitied or coveted. Sometimes, it’s enough just to talk to them.



RumpusParable -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 12:35:47 PM)

OP, it doesn't apply to me. If I'm physically attracted to them but then find them to be "cool and aloof, emotionally unavailable" I lose all interest.



OsideGirl -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 12:43:51 PM)

I never went for the aloof type.

I did have a very tumultuous relationship in my mid 20s with a guy that would always give just enough to keep me on the line. He always kept the relationship uncommitted and really enjoyed keeping me unsure of myself and my place in his life. Finally, at age 27 I decided I had enough and walked out of the relationship.

Once I was out of the relationship, I gained some perspective on who he was. His father had abandoned him, so he liked to keep women on the line, so it wouldn't happen again.

The truly weird thing was that once I walked away, he started proposing.



chatterbox24 -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 12:44:01 PM)

Has anyone ever experienced the "emotional high junky"

High to lows. For example, you are quite down, things arent going well, then something happens to bring you from that low back to a high. IT tends to repeat its self. You may even find the high even out, and you find yourself causing a low again, so you can get the high again. I asked earlier but is this what a masochist does?



ARIES83 -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 12:54:58 PM)

Good thread



kiwisub12 -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 2:45:08 PM)

Emotionally distant wouldn't do it for me either. I need love and cuddles and a degree of emotional vulnerability. Without it i find it very difficult to express love and affection (courtesy of my family of origin). Both my Sir and my sweetie were/are very good in that department, and i feel very safe with both of them.

Of course, it took me three years of therapy to get me to the point that i was able to look for a relationship that involved love. Once you have had it, aloof doesn't look good at all! [:D]
Nice guys can be dominant - and how!

If you are attracted to aloof, unless you are very self contained you probably won't do well - because as we all know, people don't change and go from aloof to open. Not easily anyway, if ever.



LaTigresse -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 2:52:06 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

Why do you think this is.


When someone seems cool and aloft, emotionally unvailable, but you have a high attraction for that person, why do you think they appear more attractive, and you want them more.


THe old saying " we always want what we cant have type thing"


I tend to find myself attracted to those rather in the middle. Rather reserved and hesitant to make themselves available.

Kinda like me.

I am cool and aloof, emotionally unavailable..............until I'm not.



cordeliasub -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 2:52:24 PM)

I went though a "intriguing mystery man" phase. Turned out he was "mystery-ing" quite a few ladies.....and when push came to shove was kind of a wuss. And yes, I was very unsure of myself during that phase.

I like the little dance, but I have more respect for someone who will be straightforward and not try to keep someone dancing on a string.



theSwan -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 3:03:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

Why do you think this is.


When someone seems cool and aloft, emotionally unvailable, but you have a high attraction for that person, why do you think they appear more attractive, and you want them more.


THe old saying " we always want what we cant have type thing"


Biological drive towards higher value partners.
If you attract someone easily, if they are quick to give you all of their attention and value, some part of you questions if you bargained too low.
If someone is less attached, it suggests that they are of too high a value to be troubled with paying much attention to you.
Thus your biology prompts you to fight for that high-value pairing.

The subconscious evaluation continues something along the lines of..

A high value mate is an important part of the equation but not the sole part.
Once you've (temporarily) attracted this mate, you need to evaluate if they are a good companion.
Will they protect you and your offspring?
As long as there is mystery, there are variables to be discovered and calculated.
Once the mystery is gone, however, the full calculation is complete and the judgement is made.

Meaning either the potential partner is either not as high value as previously thought. (Nice guy who was pretending to be a jerk.)
Or they cannot be held to a safe and healthy relationship. (Jerk who ran out of mystery.)
Or both. (Jerk who wasn't that high value to begin with, despite his social actions, who ran out of mystery.)

Or things turn out well sometimes. (Distant personality turned out to be a really good and valuable guy.)

The problem is that people lie with their actions.
People who are actually attracted to each other pretend that they are not to send false value signals.
People who aren't attracted to each other pair out of desperation or are just incapable of saying no.
Without the lies, this value system works rather well.
You only get the attention and affection of people who perceive you as an appropriate match for them.

I've met my share of men who dished out their affection and attraction so quickly that it made them unattractive to me.
I do my share of cold-shouldering and ignoring people who I don't find worth my time.
Not in some fabricated attempt to be more alluring but because they really just aren't worth my time.
It honors my Master that my attention isn't handed out easily.
It honors me to know that I am with a man that is cold and aloof to those who don't earn his time.

It tells us both that we made good purchases with our value.



Lockit -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 3:10:48 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

Why do you think this is.


When someone seems cool and aloft, emotionally unvailable, but you have a high attraction for that person, why do you think they appear more attractive, and you want them more.


THe old saying " we always want what we cant have type thing"


I think the person that is attracted to this type is still open to drama, chaos and emotional pain. Until you get hurt enough, expect healthy relationships and are working in your own best interest... both are dangerous types to be emotionally or intimately involved with. It takes two to play.



chatterbox24 -> RE: Whats your theory? (12/3/2012 3:22:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Because your parent of the opposite sex was physically and/or emotionally distant. Therefore this is familiar to you. You were taught that love was being unloved and unconnected with and you are seeking to replicate that early relationship hoping this time it will come out right.

It won't.

Take this as a sign from the universe that you need to do some work on yourself in order to become healthy and therefore only find other healthy people attractive.


I think this very true. ALthough it doesnt completely apply to me. My parents did divorce when I was a young child though, but my father was emotionally available, but still in divorce one is not available on a constant basis.

Aloof (not aloft lol) does not describe me. I am quite the opposite.

This really was not meant to be a personal thread. But by default I can be educated by it. I always find interest in why people are the way they are.
The more complex the better.
I find aloof sexy, intriguing, mysterious, and a complete challenge.
The biggest onion or puzzle, crack that egg and it might not be a yolk you find, but the golden egg. Is that healthy? I doubt it, but damn is it interesting.[:D]



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