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I'd like some opinions - 12/8/2012 5:55:38 PM

SomethingCatchy

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I have a friend who is in his 50's who is submissive. He has told me about going to a pro-domme and has been to a BDSM group/club a few times. He's a great guy, has his priorities straight (treat others like human beings), yet he's dealt with depression and side affects from diabetes for years. Couple that with recently losing his job and he's going through a tough time right now, like many other people. Right now he's getting some professional help and has local friends that can lend him a hand. I'm about 1400 miles away so can only give support over the phone and through cards and letters.

So over our years of being friends he's talked to me about his interests in BDSM and has asked me many questions about mine. I've made plans with him to visit and while visiting we may play around but while the visit happened, play never did. I know he's open to me dominating him, and that's lead to me thinking of having him live with me while he's going through unemployment as a friend, to help him out. This region of the US has lots of jobs (at least while I was looking a few months ago it did) and I'm sure he could find something that doesn't revolve around hospitality like it does in Florida. I've also thought that I could use that time that he's with me to explore our interests together.
I do not think this is a good idea right now. I want him to stay where he is and continue to get help. However, Spring or Summer may be a good time to invite him to stay with me for at least a little while. If things were working well (being housemates went well, spending all that time around each other was good, and our BDSM personalities matched) I've thought 'Well maybe I could ask him to stay long term if it all worked out to that.'

What do you think about this idea of mine?

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RE: I'd like some opinions - 12/8/2012 6:22:04 PM

Baroana

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Unlike some other current threads, this here is a situation so dependent on the two of you as individuals, your relationship, your chemistry, your compatibility, your circumstances, and so on, that none of us can advise you.

Some issues jump out immediately in my mind. First, are you "more than friends"? Do you want to be? Does he? I guarantee it's going to become an issue.

Second, do you intend to be able to date other people while he's staying with you? Because you can pretty much forget it.

Oh, and also, you mentioned that you don't want to go into this with the intent of making it permanent. Therefore, you had better agree with him on an end date for the visit, and make sure he has a definite place to go when it's over.

< Message edited by Baroana -- 12/8/2012 6:23:37 PM >

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RE: I'd like some opinions - 12/8/2012 6:48:16 PM

DarkSteven

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SomethingCatchy, I recall you working more than one job, or working and going to school. I also recall that you're half this man's age.

I suggest having him visit with a firm timetable, say staying one month. That should be enough that you'd see if you'd kill each other. There's just so much wrong with him staying at your place, not earning any money, prone to depression, etc., that I'd not want to prolong it. Keep in mind that if you do go ahead with what you propose, you might be setting up a landlord-tenant relationship in which it would be hard as hell to get him out if he didn't want to leave.

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RE: I'd like some opinions - 12/8/2012 7:39:18 PM

SomethingCatchy

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I'm married (one year!) and have no intention on turning my friendship into a romantic relationship. I know a D/s relationship can become romantic, but I just do not feel that way about this man and I never have for the last 6 years we've known each other.

I now work one job, 40 hours a week. I also now live in Michigan, which is a huge culture shock/climate change. This morning it snowed. Back in Louisiana it was a balmy 75 degrees.

The full intention of inviting him to stay with me is to give him the chance to stay somewhere for free (or at least cheap, since he's not the sort of person to not pitch in when he can) and look for work in a different region of the country. I definitely intend to set a date for his stay to end, if I invite him out, if only to give him that extra push to get something accomplished.

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RE: I'd like some opinions - 12/8/2012 7:43:14 PM

Baroana

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Ohhhhh.

Well congratulations, first of all.

Now don't you think you should have mentioned the husband someplace in your post? After all, you wouldn't be "inviting him to stay with me." You'd be inviting him to stay with US.

Shouldn't your husband's opinion on this be pretty much the only one that matters, rather than what we think?

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RE: I'd like some opinions - 12/8/2012 8:41:46 PM

SomethingCatchy

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It would be with me, since my husband will be out of state at that time. Hubs will visit on weekends when he can, but for the most part, he follows the money around the country. He doesn't care. He said 'That's your choice.' He's always so supportive but it can be hard to get a real, reasoned response to requests!

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RE: I'd like some opinions - 12/9/2012 10:04:15 AM

theRose4U

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

It would be with me, since my husband will be out of state at that time. Hubs will visit on weekends when he can, but for the most part, he follows the money around the country. He doesn't care. He said 'That's your choice.' He's always so supportive but it can be hard to get a real, reasoned response to requests!

Then I would phrase it thusly:"honey I want my friend with no money, no prospects & an expensive medical condition to stay here so I can 1) rescue him from himself, 2) spank him naked in your house possibly on your bed, 3) if I like it enough may keep him for my amusement & 4) he's old enough to be my dad...being my husband that I respect I really need to know how you feel about this". If his head doesn't explode you will get a sincere answer...likely on the lines of OHHHH HEEEELLLLL NO!!!

You might get lucky if he's secure & poly, cheating behind your back or has a cuck fantasy but I wouldn't bet the ranch on it.

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RE: I'd like some opinions - 12/9/2012 10:32:45 AM

LadyPact

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Nice to see you, SC. It's been a while.

The kink part of this or the age difference weren't the first things I thought of. My mind went straight to how hard are you to live with, do you have any idea of your friend's habits as a roommate, and where in the heck is the guy going to go if the arrangement doesn't work out? I'm looking at it from the more practical angle since clip moved in here six months ago and that's with the dynamic in place where he submits to Me. I still got frustrated over stupid stuff like the proper way to load a dishwasher. Call it the honeymoon phase for poly.

It does sound like your friend would be more prone to having feelings grow for you than you would for him. You're younger, happy with the man you married, and things are going well in your life. Your friend is older, has a history of depression which is probably being made worse by being unemployed, and is possibly feeling a bit lacking in the D/s or BDSM aspect of things. On top of that, even if temporary, this would still be a move to a new location where he's not as familiar with his surroundings, will have fewer friends and family, and will be dealing with job hunting. You're going to see friend with play benefits. He's going to see connection.

I'm sure that you are trying to be a good friend by thinking of making this offer, but I don't think I would do it. If it really did get to the point where it was necessary, like your friend not having a place to live, at the very minimum I'd want something in place that would structure the situation that he is *just* a roommate. One that will be leaving by a certain date if things don't all turn out like rainbows and fluffy clouds.

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RE: I'd like some opinions - 12/9/2012 12:14:23 PM

Tinkerer

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I think you happen to be lucky, SC, that your husband is secure and open to poly. I've already told you that, from what you've told me, I think you'd be able to help him a lot this spring/summer.

And I also think that you have received a lot of good advice about having a hard "out" date. I also think you should set up an evaluation date before he moves in, where you will both decide if you are keeping him or if he should get back on his feet on the "out" date. You really need to talk with him about this, and get his input, and I want to be a part of the conversation. I don't have anything in particular that I want to say, but I do want to "listen in" with the knowledge of both of you.

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RE: I'd like some opinions - 12/9/2012 12:52:44 PM

PeonForHer

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"I do not think this is a good idea right now. I want him to stay where he is and continue to get help. However, Spring or Summer may be a good time to invite him to stay with me for at least a little while. "

*That* bit sounds OK. He has something to look forward to (which is a tremendous help, on its own, for anyone with depression) and in the meantime can get help in his familiar neighbourhood to sort himself out better. No promise, though, to him or even yourself that anything will come *after* that visit. Length of visit: a week; not longer. That would be my formula, in your situation. The main thing is that this all needs clear structure and boundaries, I'd say.

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RE: I'd like some opinions - 12/9/2012 2:02:07 PM

SomethingCatchy

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Thank you all for your opinions. Definitely something to think about.

It has been a while LP. I occasionally checked in on the forum but it was always the same old same. I'm glad to hear Clip is doing well with you, and glad to see familiar 'faces' still around.

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