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Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 5:05:59 AM   
MistressRaina92


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/6/2012
Status: offline 		When your Dom no longer makes you feel happy or safe, how do you tell him when you're afraid to? How do you safely leave?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 5:11:41 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		If it's come to that point, you're not under any obligation to tell him anything. Pack your bags and leave.

If there's no way you can talk about your concerns, which is always the ideal place to start, then it's time to go.

Do you have friends who can give you practical help? Is there somewhere you could go? Do you feel physically threatened?

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to MistressRaina92)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 5:13:18 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Those are sounding like two different scenarios. One sounds like you want the relationship to continue, but that it needs work. The other sounds like the relationship is over and you want out of it. Can you clarify which of those options you are looking to discuss?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MistressRaina92)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 5:43:51 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		My OH felt that way after being with her ex for 15 years.

She just packed a handful of things into a bag and left - just like that.

I don't see why anything BDSM or kink has anything to do with it at all.
If the relationship is not giving you what you wanted or has changed to that point, it's time to get out.

Communication is the key to solving most problems but when that avenue is not possible, for whatever reason, you need to step back and take a good look at where you're at.
Do you stay stuck where you are, or do you look for more satisfying pastures?
I think the very fact that the OP has come on here for advice, and given what she wrote, I think it's time she got out of the situation.

Just my

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 6:05:50 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		I tell them this isn't working out and I leave. Same as I would in any toxic relationship.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to MistressRaina92)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 6:16:14 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Why is it that you're afraid to leave?

Edited to add: um, I just read your profile and the sole journal entry is devoted to leaving when being emotionally abused. "We're going to discuss emotional abuse. Being dominated isn't meant to put you down, put you in your place, punish you for past wrongdoings, or anything like that. It's a pleasure gained from lack of power. And a different kind of power gained through that surrender. It's as simple as this. If you aren't happy by his side, DO NOT STAY. if he says things will change, and you still feel dissatisfied, then chances are, they won't change. Do not be afraid to be without him, because if he isn't providing you EVERYTHING you need, then you're already without him. "

What's going on? Have you already made your decision, and seeking affirmation, or is this a paper for Psych 101?

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 12/13/2012 6:18:33 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 6:28:20 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		FR

Why are you expecting any person to give you EVERYTHING you need? Why are you setting up your partners to fail? Shouldn't you be a whole person FIRST?

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 11:29:07 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		OP what exactly are you frightened of? Are you scared of a tough, emotional break up scene? Or are you in fear for your safety?

If it's the former, then I'm afraid it's just one of those things that is almost inevitable at the end of a break up. It's a case of do it, get it over with and get on with healing.

If you're afraid for your personal safety, I can give you some general practical 'planned leaving' advice about abusive relationships, but I don't want to type an essay here if that's not what you're going for.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 11:38:29 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRaina92
When your Dom no longer makes you feel happy or safe, how do you tell him when you're afraid to? How do you safely leave?

I'm sorry. I just can't equate everything else about you with this whole abusive relationship thing you're trying to paint. Is there some reason you can't simply leave? If you think the guy's likely to physically harm you then get some help from the cops. Help me to understand the drama level in this one.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to MistressRaina92)
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RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 2:32:12 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Make like Snagglepuss and Exit, Stage Right.
You don't owe any explanations if you feel you may be harmed, and if you really do feel like one is needed, it can be given from a distance as easily, and much more safely, in person.
Fuck, just go

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 2:36:06 PM   
xLaChienne


Posts: 259
Joined: 11/12/2011
Status: offline 		Why does he no longer make you feel happy or safe?

Why are you afraid to tell him?

What would make it unsafe to leave?

(in reply to MistressRaina92)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 2:47:20 PM   
dominlosangeles


Posts: 16
Joined: 9/4/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRaina92

When your Dom no longer makes you feel happy or safe, how do you tell him when you're afraid to? How do you safely leave?



If you are afraid for your physical safety when you tell him, you don't tell him. You collect your stuff and leave. Or you go there with some friends for protection, get your stuff and leave.

Then you tell him you're done (or send an email or leave a note you're done). And you don't respond to his emails or phone calls.

If he doesn't leave you alone, you go to court and get a restraining order.

(in reply to MistressRaina92)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 2:54:42 PM   
SacredDepravity


Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline 		*slips into my DV counseling gear*

If you have determined you are in an abusive relationship and need to leave, then you need to take steps to do so safely and in the most efficient manner possible.

1. Make preparations to leave. Squirrel away what money you can. This doesn't have to be enough for starting life all over, but enough for transportation and a meal or two while traveling. Make sure you have money and copies of all vital documents (birth certificates, marriage license, ID, etc.) available in a portable fashion outside of your home. Make arrangements for a ride, housing, or any other assistance you will need after leaving. Have a solid and workable plan. It doesn't have to happen overnight, but you need to be heading the right direction.

2. Make a safety plan for while you are still getting things together to leave. Have a neighbor who can take you in temporarily or somewhere you can go or someone who can make a call for you in the event of an emergency. Give children specific instructions to follow to stay safe in the event of future arguments. Know when a serious disturbance is likely to happen and either get out or have a plan to defuse the situation quickly. Stay out of areas with lots of hard surfaces or potential weapons such as the kitchen or bathroom.

3. Be prepared for increased danger at the time of leaving and shortly after. Plan your departure when the other party will be away if possible. Make sure you have informed any family member or friend that will be helping you that things do get worse before they get better, so they will be aware and able to prepare to help keep you safe. If the leaving is precipitated by an argument involving some form of violence or threatening words or behavior, use this to secure a protective order. It is not absolute protection, but gives some recourse in the event of further threats. Make sure the school(s) are informed and change pick up instructions for any children. During the initial period, carry a cell phone and legal protective items (pepper spray, safety whistle, etc.) with you and try to always go everywhere in the company of others.

4. DO NOT GO BACK! Returning individuals are significantly more likely to be seriously injured or killed. Once you go, stay gone. If you need to retrieve items, do so with a police escort. Refuse phone calls, do not engage the abuser if approached in person, do not accept notes or other communications delivered in any form from anyone. Be sure you have cut off any reason the abuser may have to contact you. Cancel joint accounts. Close any accounts in your name only that you will no longer be using. File for custody of children immediately. Make all necessary changes to see that issues regarding finances and children go through a court of law or other intermediaries. Do not open yourself up to unnecessary contact or confrontation.

That is the nutshell of what I would discuss with any person coming in for domestic violence counseling. We would go into a lot more depth and discuss the specifics of any given situation. We would work on some of this stuff together and start heading in the right direction. I have not a clue what this question is actually about. If you cannot safely communicate or are not free to come and go in a reasonable manner, it is very possible this is a serious abuse situation. There's no talking or continuing to try to save things. Self preservation has to kick in at some point.

SD


(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 3:58:45 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Second the don't go back SD. He won't "change because you come back", couples therapy wont "fix" someone that's beating you & in my experience your children and/or pets can be harmed up to & including death to convince you to stay.

OP wasn't clear on what you mean by emotional abuse. The line in WIITWD is fuzzier than many (cough) "hobbies" so some clarification is needed. Someone in the knitting circle stating " my SO yanked me up by the pony tail, called me a dirty whore then fucked me in the ass & paddled me with a spatula over the kitchen counter" would be much more controversial than kink context where some couples call that a hot thursday night

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to SacredDepravity)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/13/2012 7:04:08 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		If you are afraid of him and too afraid to tell him and you feel you are being abused and you are not happy, then you need to just leave...no words, no telling, no anything...just walk and don't tell him where you are. Find a women's shelter that will help you.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to MistressRaina92)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/14/2012 12:14:03 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Those are sounding like two different scenarios. One sounds like you want the relationship to continue, but that it needs work. The other sounds like the relationship is over and you want out of it. Can you clarify which of those options you are looking to discuss?


When I was still married and in marriage counseling, I waffled back and forth a LOT - I wanted it to work and I wanted to leave, and I was scared to death of leaving. Not because of physical danger, but because his emotional hold over me was so strong I was just afraid of him. Of his words. Of his attitude. Of his look. Of.....everything, I suppose.

Our therapist said someone this ambivalent is a classic example of someone who has experienced trauma, and that there had been trauma in our marriage.

When there is extreme and prolonged emotional abuse, the "victim" (hate that word) feels he/she is to blame for the problems, and if only they can fix themselves, then the relationship will be OK. So they really do want the relationship to work, because they love the other person (even if it's their warped sense of what love is), and they want to be loved and accepted by that person. And yet, at their core, somewhere they can't bring into full light yet, they know they should leave. It's confusing, and scary as hell.

I strongly encourage therapy. If someone is indeed being emotionally abused, they probably don't have the tools to really process it, and their own self worth is probably really, really low...as was the case with me. A person in that case needs help in establishing and learning how to protect healthy boundaries, and to think enough of themselves to even begin to do that.

So while people who do value themselves and have healthy boundaries can look at a situation and wonder, Why not just walk away??? It's not so simple for someone from somewhere on the opposite side of that spectrum. Somewhere in their gut, they think they deserve that treatment, and yet somewhere in their gut, there's a will, telling them they really don't. It's a really confusing place to be. I know I was personally fucking lost at the time, and no longer even trusted my own judgment, instincts, thoughts or feelings.

I have no idea if this is the case with the OP or not, but wanted to shed my bit of experience on the topic in general.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/14/2012 12:16:22 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

If you are afraid of him and too afraid to tell him and you feel you are being abused and you are not happy, then you need to just leave...no words, no telling, no anything...just walk and don't tell him where you are. Find a women's shelter that will help you.


Yup. I found that trying to explain only sparked more questions and arguments, and over time, I realized I could explain for the next ten years and he'd still be questioning it. I finally had to just say "Sorry you're not getting it, but I'm done explaining" and cut off communication.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/14/2012 1:42:41 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Well, also if she tries to communicate with him, he will just emotionally or physically abuse her further and probably moreso because he's angry.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/14/2012 7:21:51 AM   
MistressRaina92


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/6/2012
Status: offline 		I did want to thank everyone for the insight and advice. The hold that this person had on me was stronger than I realized. He had complete control. And because I wanted him to love me, I tried everything to fix myself to what he wanted. But it all clicked when he said he wanted a second sub, could have no problem loving her, but would never see me as anything more than just his play toy. With help from a therapist, and another Dom who is a good friend, I'm now away from my old master. It was scary, but I know I'm better off now.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Emotional abuse - 12/14/2012 11:18:20 AM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		Good for you, and good luck!

(in reply to MistressRaina92)
Profile   Post #: 20
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