Strong feelings in D/s - attachments

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Bebetter -> Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/14/2012 5:31:21 PM)
Just reaching out for some opinions here. I have a sub whom I care for dearly, and vice versa. Neither of us is really looking for anything more. However recently she confessed to me that she feels she is getting too attached to me and is uncomfortable meeting further, in case those feelings intensify further. In a way, that is lovely because intense feelings for one another only serve to heighten the D/s relationship, in my view. In another way, I am concerned because we may not see each other for a while. My feelings for her are strong, very strong, and I would probably have no problem with us having a full time relationship. However her main concern is that there is an age gap between us, and in her view that would make a longer term relationship, and a very close loving one, unsustainable. The age gap concerns me a little, but not overly. Just curious as to what others think of this. I guess the options I have are to stop our relationship (I would hate to, it would hurt both of us) or wait for her to become less attached so we can continue - I am not sure how she will become "less" attached to be honest? Thank you.

strangedesire -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/14/2012 5:44:44 PM)
It sounds like she has ended this relationship. That's not really something that you can argue her out of. Her reasons do not have to make sense to you. I'm very sorry. Be kind to yourself, and when you get back on the relationship market, look for people who want to develop emotionally deep relationships. You have very right to partner up with someone who you can share strong feelings with.

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/14/2012 8:07:08 PM)
Wow, I checked your name and where you live...got me a little worried when I read your question! I ended things with my master based on that very issue-too attached. Granted, there were other problems which is why I became more concerned about my attachment. I don't know your story so I am going to use my own to answer. He and I started off very much on the same page. We actually had some issues and resolved them. Problem came when I started realizing I was more attached to him than he seemed to be to me. Granted, I expected that to a certain degree- children are more attached to parents then vice versa because their survival is contingent not their parents taking care of them. I believe it is impossible for a sub to truly submit without getting attached because that is just a natural result. I would question WHY suddenly she is concerned about being attached. I only became concerned when I realized that he was much less in need of me then vice-versa and that is what did me in. When you are more invested, you are vulnerable and when you feel the other person can "take or leave you", you start trying to protect yourself. If you are interested in a long term, I would tell her. Sit down and have a frank discussion. I don't know the age difference but address the concerns. If possible, make her feel secure and loved.

theRose4U -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/14/2012 8:55:10 PM)
was in a poly at 25 years old with a a 40 year old man & 43 year old woman. I had no idea of his age when we met, discovered after we had finally "become serious" a year later. I admit it I freaked for a little over a week that I was in love with an old man. It took him being in an accident to realize my feelings for him surpassed age, work restrictions & eventually the fact that a woman he had loved his entire life made him a better partner with me. Its not easy, emotions are scary stuff & I'm reading this as I'm falling for you & scared you don't feel the same...so I'm running away in the hope you'll stop me (yes its chick logic just go with it) Its worth the chase. My suggestion is you call her up, suggest a short holiday together "to discuss things" fuck her like a stallion & tell her you love her. Not get engaged or married just a confession of your feelings & an environment where telling you what she's thinking is the only option.

poise -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/14/2012 9:30:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bebetter I have a sub whom I care for dearly, and vice versa. Neither of us is really looking for anything more. However recently she confessed to me that she feels she is getting too attached to me and is uncomfortable meeting further, in case those feelings intensify further. I suppose it would be difficult to remain in a relationship where you're "not looking for anything more". Is this a case where you both agreed to just play casually? Otherwise, I can't understand your referencing her as your sub, without an expectation of an increased emotional attachment between the two of you. Care for dearly is also an indication of emotional attachment, so I am doubly confused by your scenario.

theRose4U -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/14/2012 9:45:20 PM)
I'm reading this as they went in as kink buddies with benefits & love has bitten them both in the arse

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/15/2012 12:54:05 AM)
So you started out playing together, not seeking a serious relationship. You both developed feelings. You would like this to become your relationship, she doesn't want to because of the age gap. As such, she's doesn't want to keep playing because that is causing too much emotional upset for her. Is that about right? I'm afraid you might not have any choice here. It sounds like she has decided that you are not the one, for whatever reason, and doesn't want to continue meeting and moving the relationship that way. I think your idea of waiting until the feelings abate and then playing again is not going to work. What's to stop the feelings growing up again? Do you really want to drag out an on-again-off-again relationship with someone who has made it clear she doesn't want more? If it were me, I'd call it a break up and move on to someone who can give you what you want.

needlesandpins -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/15/2012 2:41:15 AM)
either she has the feelings and thinks that you don't because of how the senario started......giving this as an excuse to end the situation to save your feelings.......or she is attached to someone else and can't have these feelings for you......or just plain and simple she doesn't want anything more than how it started. if it is the latter then giving it time apart isn't going to get rid of feelings, or stop them surfacing again if you then start seeing each other again. the rest you can probably talk through. it's all her choice at the end of it i guess. it's hard having strong feelings for someone that doesn't feel the same way for you. it's even harder when you want to tell that person, but you know that really they don't care whether you feel that way or not; that actually they'd rather you didn't. it can then be soul destroying to want that person to feel the same way you do, but have them constantly tell you that they never will. needles

littlewonder -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/15/2012 8:38:48 AM)
Are you both in love with the thought of being in love or newbie bdsm lust, sub/dom frenzy? Or are you both feeling actual love for one another? It's something you both need to think about. And you also didn't say how large an age gap. My experience has been not just with myself but with many, many others I know, that anything larger than a 10 year age gap, does not work. There's usually some kind of mentor/father role model thing going on with the woman or she likes the whole rebellion thing if she's young or there's just too many generational differences which makes it difficult. Plus if you both decide to have children, you would have to really think about the consequences of one being much older, leaving her or him as a single parent.

kalikshama -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/15/2012 10:07:48 AM)
I can't help but get attached to people who make the happy hormones surge through my body. I too have broken off relationships when I developed feelings in a dead-end situation relationship-wise. She could be less attached if you see her less often and do not contact her in between. Not what I'd want, but it might work. Your profile lists you at 35. How old is she? Even if she is as young as 18, I don't see a 17 year age gap at these ages as insurmountable. I'm 46 and do generally view men in their 20s as not relationship material, but I am a female sub and would have a hard time taking a young Dom seriously. Top (with requisite experience) = no problem for me.

KnightofMists -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/15/2012 3:19:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: strangedesire It sounds like she has ended this relationship. That's not really something that you can argue her out of. Her reasons do not have to make sense to you I would add that her reasons stated might not be the complete or even truthful reasons

Bebetter -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/16/2012 3:20:04 AM)
Thank you for the responses, everyone. I would just add that when I tell her that (what will be effectively) an online relationship cannot interest me, and that I would look for another partner for a physical relationship, she does freak out and says she cannot accept sharing me with anyone else. So it is not clear to me that she is trying to say that she wants to end the relationship. I could either end it now and look for a new partner, or give her time to see what she decides. But being in touch with her and not being able to "have" her in real life is very hard for me. Thank you.

MsDDom -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/16/2012 6:40:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bebetter ...or wait for her to become less attached so we can continue - I am not sure how she will become "less" attached to be honest? Thank you. I do not think there is a way to become "less attached" IF you do see each other later down the line; after all, we are human and spending time with some in a relationship can cause feelings to grow. It would seem a bond or an attachment aren't avoidable...

poise -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/16/2012 6:41:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bebetter I would just add that when I tell her that (what will be effectively) an online relationship cannot interest me, and that I would look for another partner for a physical relationship, she does freak out and says she cannot accept sharing me with anyone else. So it is not clear to me that she is trying to say that she wants to end the relationship. Is this relationship already limited to being an online relationship only, and in the course of getting to know one another, it has grown into the desire to meet? This makes it a little easier to understand your question, but makes the answer less pleasing to hear. I think she is pulling away not because of your age, but because she is monogamous and reasonable. She feels it best not to invest emotionally in a relationship that can not be sustained because of the distance, and because of your need for physical intimacy with another.

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/16/2012 6:43:14 AM)
Daddy and I are 11 years apart and it has not made it harder or not possible to have an extremely lovinf relationsgip. Sounds like an excuse to me and a piss poor one too.

MASTERLIX -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/16/2012 6:45:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bebetter Just reaching out for some opinions here. I have a sub whom I care for dearly, and vice versa. Neither of us is really looking for anything more. However recently she confessed to me that she feels she is getting too attached to me and is uncomfortable meeting further, in case those feelings intensify further. In a way, that is lovely because intense feelings for one another only serve to heighten the D/s relationship, in my view. In another way, I am concerned because we may not see each other for a while. My feelings for her are strong, very strong, and I would probably have no problem with us having a full time relationship. However her main concern is that there is an age gap between us, and in her view that would make a longer term relationship, and a very close loving one, unsustainable. The age gap concerns me a little, but not overly. Just curious as to what others think of this. I guess the options I have are to stop our relationship (I would hate to, it would hurt both of us) or wait for her to become less attached so we can continue - I am not sure how she will become "less" attached to be honest? Thank you. Ok, there are so many disturbing things in what you stated here. You started by saying you have a sub. If you are saying you have a sub, it would suggest that you both were already in a D/s relationship. If you were already in a D/s relationship, it would mean you both went in to have a long term power exchange relationship. When she decided to be in a D/s relationship, she should have taken into consideration the age difference. Unless she didn't know about your age. That is one of the main differences between a vanilla relationship and a power exchange relationship, because of what it takes to engage in a power exchange relationship...like trust...like taking time to build such trust...like the mental development of it as well. Because of all of those, it is why it takes awhile for people to say, "S/He is my Dom" and "s/he is my sub". Therefore, when you started with "I have a sub", I took that to mean you were both already an item as in D/s. But you then quickly added in the next sentence, "Neither of us is really looking for anything more." How did you move from "I have a sub" to "neither of us is really looking for anything more"? Or, did you mean to say that "There is a sub"? Which would mean that you guys were just playing around and not wanting anything more. Then, when she said, "However recently she confessed to me that she feels she is getting too attached to me and is uncomfortable meeting further, in case those feelings intensify further." Your thought process to that was, "In a way, that is lovely because intense feelings for one another only serve to heighten the D/s relationship, in my view." I thought you said neither of you wanted anything more? Also, how can the D/s relationship be heightened if it doesn't exist yet? You then also said, "My feelings for her are strong, very strong, and I would probably have no problem with us having a full time relationship." Did you at any point tell her this? At what point did you realize that your feelings for her are strong? After she told you she wouldn't want to see you anymore or immediately after you both determined at the beginning that neither of you wanted anything more? You said, "However her main concern is that there is an age gap between us, and in her view that would make a longer term relationship, and a very close loving one, unsustainable. The age gap concerns me a little, but not overly." Well, if the age difference is a problem for her, it will always be there. It is like saying she wants to have children and you don't want to have children or you want to have children and she doesn't want to have any kids. Those types of sentiments hardly go away. For her, she didn't mind playing with you, no matter the scope of that...but she doesn't and didn't want a full D/s relationship with you because of your age. She has basically broken up with you. The question is, can you become platonic friends with her? Would she agree to being just friends with you? Or, is there a possibility that she is already exploring a relationship with someone that is close to her age? SL

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/16/2012 6:57:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom Daddy and I are 11 years apart and it has not made it harder or not possible to have an extremely lovinf relationsgip. Sounds like an excuse to me and a piss poor one too. Because you have a relationship with an 11 year age gap does not mean that it's not a problem for other people. Also if he is 35, and she could potentially be 18, that's a 17 year age gap, which is very significant at that age. She might be using it as an excuse, or she may have realised that in this particular case, their age group is a problem.

littlewonder -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/16/2012 11:50:26 AM)
Ok, my answer is going to change because of the additional information you added. It's online only relationship and she's now having feelings for you...1. she has a fantasy built up in her head of what it would be like in real life, despite the fact that you have never met and most likely never will. 2. She has told you she is monogamous and well...you are not. You stated that by telling her you are looking around for someone in real life. Personally I think you should let her go instead of leading her on in her own fantasies.

theRose4U -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/16/2012 11:55:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders quote: ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom Daddy and I are 11 years apart and it has not made it harder or not possible to have an extremely lovinf relationsgip. Sounds like an excuse to me and a piss poor one too. Because you have a relationship with an 11 year age gap does not mean that it's not a problem for other people. Also if he is 35, and she could potentially be 18, that's a 17 year age gap, which is very significant at that age. She might be using it as an excuse, or she may have realised that in this particular case, their age group is a problem. Or the fact that he's not rushing to move an 18 year old in to solve all her problems? How many times have we seen that scenario as well as "oh by the way I'm poly" biting someone in the arse. I'm saying too many variables & too little detail. I'm going to go for the fishing answer...AsAAAAWWWW poor you, that's terrible. NEXT!

MariaB -> RE: Strong feelings in D/s - attachments (12/17/2012 1:29:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX Ok, there are so many disturbing things in what you stated here. You started by saying you have a sub. If you are saying you have a sub, it would suggest that you both were already in a D/s relationship. If you were already in a D/s relationship, it would mean you both went in to have a long term power exchange relationship. Actually theres a lot of disturbing presumptions in your definition of D/s. D/s is the mental side of BDSM, as no physical contact is necessarily required. All on line BDSM relationships are D/s because physical can not be administered in person over the telephone or internet. Many people in on-line D/s relationships. will not even know each other's real names. D/s can merge into a deep intimacy as well as sadomasochism but it really doesn't have to.

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