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True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 1:48:46 AM   
hairlover123


Posts: 71
Joined: 4/1/2012
Status: offline 		I have tried to steer away from seeking a Sub/Domme relationship and tried my options in the vanilla world. It seems like no matter how attracted i am to the woman i can not get that fulfilled feeling i am seeking. It is like ever sense i had my first encounter within the lifestyle i am not satisfied with any vanilla relationship!..it is way easier to find a woman that is not into the lifestyle than one that is! it sucks! It is hard to tell some one who has never heard of the lifestyle that "oh yea by the way i like to get humiliated hurt and degraded, i might have forgot to mention that on our first date" hahah what should i do?!!?

sorry i guess this is more of a rant than a question..still a question non the less

Thanksss
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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 1:58:38 AM   
metamorfosis


Posts: 1132
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hairlover123
...it is way easier to find a woman that is not into the lifestyle than one that is!



How hard have you tried to find one that is?

Pam

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 2:00:47 AM   
metamorfosis


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quote:

ORIGINAL: hairlover123
I have tried to steer away from seeking a Sub/Domme relationship and tried my options in the vanilla world.


Why?

Pam


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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 2:09:45 AM   
hairlover123


Posts: 71
Joined: 4/1/2012
Status: offline 		@metamorfosis..I have tried for some time to find a woman with similar interests..maybe not as much as i could have i guess but i have for sure stepped FAR beyond my comfort zone in the last year with my journey..

I have tended to steer away because of the negative experiences i have had with "fakes"

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 2:25:09 AM   
metamorfosis


Posts: 1132
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hairlover123
I have tended to steer away because of the negative experiences i have had with "fakes"


Then you'll have to make a decision about which is worse: the negative experiences trying to convince a vanilla woman to go domme or the negative experiences dealing with fakes.

Good luck to you.

Pam


< Message edited by metamorfosis -- 12/24/2012 2:27:09 AM >

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 5:43:55 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't see that you're submissive. I only see that you want to have your kinks catered to. There's a difference and most dominant women are well aware of that and steer clear of guys who don't actually submit.

It shouldn't be hard to say that you enjoy pampering your woman and have her take the lead in the relationship. That sentence is about relationship dynamics, not about kink. The way you talk about kink is not to lay yours out on the line while expecting her to submit to doing them for you, but by asking about what she really loves sexually, which should then easily transfer into what you really love sexually as well.

If all you want is to have someone do you sexually in the way you want, then that's the point where we recommend paying someone to provide you with the service you desire.

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 10:14:31 AM   
Nakhla


Posts: 104
Joined: 10/24/2012
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I highly recommend socializing at some munches, kink events, etc. Get off the internet and into some real-time with the BDSM community. Even if you don't meet who you want immediately, you will make friends for sure ( and people love to play match-maker ), and it's far harder to be "fake" when you're talking face to face.

Also, Des brings up an important point: what you're seeking may not be a dominant woman. You may just be looking for a woman who's a BDSM top. The good news with that is that, on the whole, there are a lot more tops and even bedroom-only dommes than there are dominant women seeking a 24/7 lifestyle, so that should open your options up considerably.

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 10:32:23 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hairlover123
I have tended to steer away because of the negative experiences i have had with "fakes"

OK, I'll bite.

Can you describe one or more of these "fakes" and why you felt they were "fake"? Was this findommes? Was it guys presenting as females? What was it exactly that was "fake" about them? How did they disappoint you?

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 11:16:24 AM   
TheBoyDownBelow


Posts: 83
Joined: 7/25/2012
Status: offline 		I never could be in a vanilla relationship. I would be unhappy and her life would be miserable. Somehow I care about a partners happiness. Vanilla no! I rather stay single for the rest of my life.

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 12:29:43 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: hairlover123
I have tended to steer away because of the negative experiences i have had with "fakes"


Noticed you changed that. I find it funny that you describe yourself as a "true" submissive when I would describe you as not a submissive. Considering you haven't grasped what submitting is, I don't think you'd know what a fake is either.

quote:

It is hard to tell some one who has never heard of the lifestyle that "oh yea by the way i like to get humiliated hurt and degraded,
That's not submission, it's kinky sex. It's about you getting what you want. Submission happens when you get to things you don't like or don't want to do.



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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 8:42:48 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		aahh....the "fakes" again.



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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 9:13:12 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP


If all you want is to have someone do you sexually in the way you want, then that's the point where we recommend paying someone to provide you with the service you desire.


Or find a partner who's kinky. Too often, I think people believe there is this line-in-the-sand division between vanilla couples and people who engaged in BDSM. In the past, I've been in lots of vanilla relationships where we introduced all sorts of kinky activities. A woman doesn't have to identify as dominant or have a profile on collarme or go to fetish clubs in order to engage in kinky sex.

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 10:41:35 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		My recommendation: Join Fetlife.com Use it to find your local, real life BDSM community. Go to their events and meet real people (not to imply that folks on these forums are erzatz people) face to face. Make friends. Find play partners. Have fun. It beats the hell out of sending email after email to "fakes."

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 10:50:36 PM   
Muttling


Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle

My recommendation: Join Fetlife.com Use it to find your local, real life BDSM community. Go to their events and meet real people (not to imply that folks on these forums are erzatz people) face to face. Make friends. Find play partners. Have fun. It beats the hell out of sending email after email to "fakes."



What he said.

Get thee to thy local munches and get active in the community.   Finding a long term partner isn't easy for the vanillas and there's far more of them than there are kinksters so it's even more difficult for us.  This said, it's well worth the effort.

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 11:14:44 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle

My recommendation: Join Fetlife.com Use it to find your local, real life BDSM community. Go to their events and meet real people (not to imply that folks on these forums are erzatz people) face to face. Make friends. Find play partners. Have fun. It beats the hell out of sending email after email to "fakes."


Like everything, there are pros and cons to every approach. A lot of people here will say get thee to a munch. Now, personally I find munches boring. I am a very social person, but I don't personally find that a shared interest in BDSM is going to mean I will find the people at a munch any more interesting than any random group of strangers. I would much rather go to a book club. Even a large munch is a fairly small universe of people, so if you're only purpose for going is to meet a potential partner, your have to realize your chances of success are fairly small. At least with online, you can reach a large number of people quickly. If you go to a munch, there might be only one or no people who even interest you.

It's worth checking out, because you might feel differently. But the notion that going to events is the end-all, be-all isn't true either. There is no best way to meet a potential partner. And all the ways take time and effort, and the process isn't necessarily fun.

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/24/2012 11:21:16 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Astute post.

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RE: True submissive in Vanilla relationship - 12/25/2012 7:12:55 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingreality

Or find a partner who's kinky. Too often, I think people believe there is this line-in-the-sand division between vanilla couples and people who engaged in BDSM. In the past, I've been in lots of vanilla relationships where we introduced all sorts of kinky activities. A woman doesn't have to identify as dominant or have a profile on collarme or go to fetish clubs in order to engage in kinky sex.



No argument. But it works better if the guy is also willing to do stuff for her. And I don't get any feel of him caring for his partner and her needs which is why I recommended paying someone. In a relationship, things have to work so both people are happy. If you aren't interested at all in making your partner happy, then you really aren't good relationship material.


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Profile   Post #: 17
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