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How do long distance relations work? - 12/27/2012 10:19:01 PM

Luxaw

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This is something that has been bugging me recently. Say you're in a long distance relationship with someone and then you get the opportunity to do something in real life with another person. Is this considered cheating? I don't really know much about long distance dating so I really don't know whats allowed or what isn't. I'm not in a serious long distance relationship, but I'm confused, if it does get serious does it still apply as a real life relationship? Are my actions restricted to the person on the other end of the world? Is it really so wrong for me to do something with somebody in rl even if its just to play around? Im asking in this forum because I'm in a d/s relationship(me being the sub) what do you think if you found out that the person you long distance chat too did something with somebody else that was local to that person?

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/27/2012 10:21:25 PM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Luxaw

Say you're in a long distance relationship with someone and then you get the opportunity to do something in real life with another person. Is this considered cheating?

It depends on the nature of the LDR. if it's an open LDR, then playing with someone local is fine. Bottom line, as long as all parties understand things, it's fine. If any part of the setup is not disclosed or lied about, it's not.

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/27/2012 10:35:41 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Luxaw
This is something that has been bugging me recently. Say you're in a long distance relationship with someone and then you get the opportunity to do something in real life with another person. Is this considered cheating?

"Cheating" isn't just some word that means some random relationship crime. It means someone "cheated"... broke the rules... didn't play fair. But the rules for any given relationship, long distance or not, can only be determined by the people involved. My measure for "cheating" is any time someone does something with a 3rd party which the other partner would want to know about but does not. More simply, if you think it'd piss off your partner so you better not tell him then it's probably cheating. The easiest way to resolve this stuff is simply to talk it out.

quote:

Im asking in this forum because I'm in a d/s relationship(me being the sub) what do you think if you found out that the person you long distance chat too did something with somebody else that was local to that person?

Well... obviously YOU didn't expect that. I'd call it either "cheating" or just plain poor communication but it's hard to know which. Either way you sound disappointed. Does it matter what label you put on it? Either you clear up your communications and move forward or decide to call it quits.

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/27/2012 10:41:26 PM

littlewonder

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depends. Have you two ever met in person? I don't consider it any kind of relationship until the two have met and are eventually going to be together in real life. Otherwise you're just two people chatting or having cybersex.

Now if it's all just cybersex and you two have never met, then you both are free to do whatever you want with whoever you want in any way that you want.

If you two have met and will continue to meet and plan on being together in real life and you two do NOT have an open relationship then yes, it's cheating. If you both have an open relationship and agree that you both are free to see others then it's not cheating.

If you don't know what you have, then you have a lot of communicating to do with one another.

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/27/2012 10:50:47 PM

SeekingTrinity

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Well, I guess the question you have to ask yourself is if you consider this an actual relationship. If you do, are you both exclusive? Have you even discussed being exclusive with each other? If you have and you go ahead and do something with someone else, its cheating no matter how you slice it. Seeing as how I personally avoid the whole "relationship" word with someone who isnt local to me, this doesnt become an issue with me. But it really all depends on what you and your significant other have outlined as far as your relationship goes.

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/28/2012 1:10:35 AM

NiceButMeanGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Luxaw
Say you're in a long distance relationship with someone and then you get the opportunity to do something in real life with another person. Is this considered cheating?

It depends on the agreement you have with that person. My sub and I have met in real life multiple times but we are long-distance to each other. He lives in Alaska and I live in Washington State. Eventually, we plan to be living local to each other.

He and I have talked with each other about this very thing. It's fine with me if he's with another woman as long as she's not Domming him. It's fine with him if I play with someone else as long as I stay within certain activities. It works for us.

Since we're open with each other about it and have each other's approval, it's not cheating for us. If there were secrets and lies involved, it would be cheating.

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< Message edited by NiceButMeanGirl -- 12/28/2012 1:11:22 AM >

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/28/2012 5:47:10 AM

SadisticMs2

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If you even have to ask if it's cheating....it is. And you already know it; you were just hoping to get a free pass.

The bottom line is that you have to be able to discuss these extra curricular activities with your partner before AND after the fact. If you talked about it beforehand and she said no you can't, you're cheating. If you don't tell her until after the fact, you're cheating. If you don't tell her at all, you're cheating.

See how that works? The only way you are NOT cheating is if you discuss it with her FIRST and she consents to it.

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/28/2012 6:35:46 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Luxaw
This is something that has been bugging me recently. Say you're in a long distance relationship with someone and then you get the opportunity to do something in real life with another person. Is this considered cheating?

I think it's great that you are able to articulate these questions so clearly. It's the first step to dispelling your confusion. The next step, though, is to talk with your domme about these, and figure out where you both stand on this. You might want to do this as a sub making a suggestion, or you might want to just say, "Could we just talk like two people for a minute, about our expectations of this relationship?" Then go back to a more subservient position once the boundaries of the relationship are clear.

If she is controlling your orgasms, or requiring sexual fidelity, and is far away, I think that, from a practical perspective, it's important for the two of you to get a fair amount of social contact, like Skype calls every night even if you don't do anything erotic. The same is true the other direction: if you want her to play with no one, even if she gets to masturbate and you don't, you have to make sure you are emotionally available to her, not just made horny by her. Otherwise, neither one of you will want to pass up playing with a real person. And why should you deny yourselves, if you are just in a tepid non-relationship?

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/28/2012 8:36:05 AM

theRose4U

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This is the exact reason you were told to join a local munch 3 threads ago!! Any domme will do behavior leads to submission online to someone across the country or planet, leads to "cheating", guilt & questions you needed to ask at the outset before "submitting". If you haven't looked this person in the eye in my mind they are a cyber buddy at best...time to take this as a learning experience & follow the advice you were given to meet real life kinksters in your area.

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/28/2012 8:42:55 AM

Inghammar

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If you have a good offer to do a scene with someone who is close to you - do it. If you don't you will start to resent your long distance partner. Ideally you should let the LDR know that you have an opportunity to do something you wanted to do in person and you don't want to say no.

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/28/2012 10:59:08 AM

theRose4U

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Ing, I read this as domme played local & distance cyber sub found out.

In my mind other than OPs "emotional damage" there was nothing real or concrete about the arrangement. They never met, aren't close & the chance of OP playing with this person remote...my initial response stands GET TO A MUNCH wasting time self dominating isn't working

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/28/2012 11:04:27 AM

OsideGirl

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If you've never met face to face.....it is not a long distance relationship. It's a cyber relationship and regardless of how much time you spend talking to each other....that person is still a stranger to you.

A LDR is a real life relationship where you have met and spent time together.

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/28/2012 1:27:14 PM

Rochsub2009

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Long distance relationships are no different than any other relationship. Surely you know what cheating looks like.

IMO, cyber relationships are a fuzzy area. Some people have ended up getting married after what started out as long-distance cyber relationships. Others have no intention of ever meeting. So only you and your partner can determine what the nature of your cyber relationship is. The two of you will have to determine the rules, and where you ultimately want the relationship to go.

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RE: How do long distance relations work? - 12/28/2012 5:50:19 PM

seekingOwnertoo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Luxaw

This is something that has been bugging me recently. Say you're in a long distance relationship with someone and then you get the opportunity to do something in real life with another person. Is this considered cheating? I don't really know much about long distance dating so I really don't know whats allowed or what isn't. I'm not in a serious long distance relationship, but I'm confused, if it does get serious does it still apply as a real life relationship? Are my actions restricted to the person on the other end of the world? Is it really so wrong for me to do something with somebody in rl even if its just to play around? Im asking in this forum because I'm in a d/s relationship(me being the sub) what do you think if you found out that the person you long distance chat too did something with somebody else that was local to that person?

While I will not address the chat part ...

I will give you some insight into one Long Distance Relationship I had. (There have been several).

Yet before I do ... I want to point out one thing ... you said in your OP, it was not serious ... sooo ... in my mind it is just a person you are dating ... you know ... when dating you date several different people at the same time. No?

Okay .. here is one LDR experience I had ...

Met a Lady somehow via the Message Boards .. we carried on off line a lot .. she would even go out on a date, then get home and write me an email about how she wished I was there, instead. Exciting stuff .. no? And this went on for five or six weeks. i even felt I was falling in love.

One night She confronted me on CM Chat ... She asked direct questions (remember I was blindsided) and we made a date to TALK on the phone ... Saturday night ... which was three days later.

On Saturday night, we talked for four or five hours ... got along amazingly well (like intellectual twins) ... yet she explained she had to have a man who lived in the same city, she did. Moreover, she said if I even lived within a two hour commute .. I would be first on Her Date List .. needless to say .. I was devastated ... but we remainded friends.

Although there are multiple more aspects to the story than I am sharing here ... the point is ...

Long Distance might work once in one thousand times! And those that it does work for, typically result in one party or the other to relocating, at some point. Sooner or later.

You said in your OP, this is not a serious relationship ... so I would not consider dating others locally cheating .. in any way shape or form.

Regardless ... you still actually do have an obligation to be straight up and honest with the LDR other; too!

Just explain your needs, feelings and thoughts ... and if the other cares for you ... there will be conversation and discussion.

And THAT is how I will always remember my LDR ... conversation, discussion and ultimately ... the truth (but a lot of flirting otherwise! LOL)

Good luck and just follow your feelings ...

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