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The Connection Phenomenon - 12/28/2012 9:15:35 AM

SacredDepravity

Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
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In the course of discussions on these boards and others in private and offline, the desire for “connection” comes up on a regular basis. While I recognize there are those who do not seek anything much beyond sensation, I find that for those who do want and value “connection” both see it as core and significant underpinning for their activities and relationships, but rarely actually define it. Even less is discussed on actually fostering “connection” beyond a general relationship basis. So, I thought I would posit a few questions.

First, what is this “connection” of which we speak? Define it. Beyond that, define it in terms of physical, mental, emotional, and possibly even spiritual forms of connection. These answers I guarantee will run a full gamut and that is great. I want this to be an open discussion where we can talk about everything from spending time together, to exploring things like energy work and such.

Second, how is such a “connection” fostered in general? How might creating and building this connection be done differently for D/s or M/s couples? Additionally, how might differences of intent or direction come into play with regard to the D/s or M/s couple? (understanding that by couple, I only mean the one on one interaction between people, but discussion of poly dynamics are interesting here too).

Third, in play (assuming there is play anything from intentional dominant/submissive interaction meant as fun/enforcement of the dynamic to serious s&m sessions and everything inbetween) what is the role of connection, how is it used as a part of bolstering and intensifying play including specific actions or methods used, and what are the differences in “connected” play and disconnected play? I am interested in the function of connection in anticipation and preparation, build up and progression of activities, and any debriefing or aftercare.

Long post, but hopefully it is something that will hold interest.

SD

Post #: 1

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/28/2012 9:56:47 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

The simple answer I would give is trust, communication & honesty. Actions speak louder than words & there really isn't anything kinky or otherwise to cause that to happen other than being genuine over time

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to SacredDepravity)

Post #: 2

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/28/2012 10:15:44 AM

SacredDepravity

Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

That is true of relationships in general, but still doesn't explain what this "connection" is and how we concretely identify it. I totally agree that in general and over the long term this is exactly what produces and sustains connection. Then we get into other things that can be done in addition to these things. Good basic human and relationship skills are definitely a part of this.

SD

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 3

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/28/2012 10:28:10 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

For me they are one in the same. If I don't feel "relationship or friendship trust" I usually feel no attraction to the sub no matter how complimentary kinks might be. On the reverse kinks too far out of sinc (for me smothering, strangulation, breath/needle play) it didn't matter that we connected on mental & physical levels...we just didn't satisfy the others kinks which eroded the other bonds.

If you think about "connection" (mental, physical, spiritual, sexual & kink) as tools of the trade...leash to collar, hog tie to cuff, the pieces need to be complimentary in some fashion for both to get satisfaction out of the activity. For example someone that enjoys flogging won't get the same satisfaction out of a flogger hanging from their neck, or inserted in a butt plug (when this is a limit).

It reminds me of a recent post where the sub hated tickling but (usually) enjoyed sadistic dominants. The sadist got what they wanted, the sub got pissed off & left

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to SacredDepravity)

Post #: 4

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/28/2012 10:32:08 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity

That is true of relationships in general, but still doesn't explain what this "connection" is and how we concretely identify it. I totally agree that in general and over the long term this is exactly what produces and sustains connection. Then we get into other things that can be done in addition to these things. Good basic human and relationship skills are definitely a part of this.

SD

That's a problem inherent to this type of subject. How can anyone concretely identify something so complex, intangible and personal? It's just something the people involved feel and know.

For me a connection with a person, be it a lover or a friend, is not one simple thing. Rather it's a combination of shared experiences, common values, mutual respect, an ability to relate to each other and understand motivations, chemistry, shared humour, trust, and communication. I couldn't define it any better than that. There are one or two people I've only ever spoken to on these boards that I think I would share a connection with if we knew each other in person. There are people I have known in the flesh for years that will never connect with me - not necessarily because they lack in any way as a person, but because on some level we don't click, don't think in compatible ways, just don't share a spark.

In terms of play time - I don't play with others, so perhaps I can't answer. But I feel very little desire to do so. In most cases the thought of playing with an acquaintance is actively unpleasant. I need that connection first of all. I think it boils down to vulnerability. In order to make myself vulnerable to a person I need to value them highly, I need to feel they are worthy. And I need to know that it's mutual - I need to know that if I let you see my darkest, most vulnerable parts of me, you will accept them as an aspect of me and not judge me or like me any less. When I look at that sentence logically, it's silly - someone who likes to go to play parties and beat and humiliate a playfriend isn't going to look down on that playfriend for wanting to be beaten and humiliated. But on an emotional level, that's no enough. I need to know that you are invested in me personally, and vice versa.

I could probably do a basic play scene with someone I had no connection with, or be a demo doll. But nothing which touched on my own personal intimate kinks or emotions - no humiliation, or fear play, and you won't get to know my most dear and secret fantasies. On the flip side, if I do have that connection I'm willing to go pretty far and will happily go outside my comfort zone. I would top for someone I connected to, even though I'm not switchy, and I could get something out of it. The thought of topping in a general sense, is offputting, but the connection makes it right.

I hope that is the sort of thing you were thinking of - your OP was pretty complex and I wasn't sure what angle to attack it from.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to SacredDepravity)

Post #: 5

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/28/2012 10:52:06 AM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
Status: offline

you can't set an answer in concrete on connection as it's as subjective as asking what people think love is.

think of it like this; there are foods you hate and would not touch. there are foods that you are indifferent about, but could eat forever and live on. there are foods you love to eat and give you great satisfaction. it's the whole package about that food....or combinations of......that makes the whole deal for you. now discribe exactly how that food tastes like to you, and why. chances are that it won't taste exactly the way you think it does to others. they may hate that food.

relationships are the same, and what we get out of them and why.

my playmate used the term 'making love' during a conversation last night. i told him that i have very rarely made love, not even with my ex husband. however, my ex would say all the time that we 'made love'. it would seem that my idea of it differed to his on rather a large scale judging by how many times he thought we did. i'm willing to bet that, if asked, people have differing opinions on what the meaning is for that too; what it takes to be able to make love and so on.

_____________________________

I deserved better. Not than you, but from you.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 6

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/28/2012 11:17:41 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity
First, what is this “connection” of which we speak? Define it. Beyond that, define it in terms of physical, mental, emotional, and possibly even spiritual forms of connection. These answers I guarantee will run a full gamut and that is great. I want this to be an open discussion where we can talk about everything from spending time together, to exploring things like energy work and such.

For me it can be summed up with the word "intimacy". I'm not so much looking to "connect" us as I am to make it such that no connection is necessary because we are one. Thoughts, feelings, ideas.... all bounce back and forth rather fluidly between Carol and I very much like we were two halves of the same brain rather than two individuals. To the extent possible, her thoughts are mine and mine hers. That's what I mean by "intimacy" and that's what I want. Really my general suspicion is that despite all the love and good feelings most people would find our marriage smothering.

This is why it's not sufficient for Carol to simply "obey". When Carol and I are not really and truly "on the same page" it bothers us both a fair bit... even if that misstep is small. We very seldom get out of alignment in serious ways simply because it hurts too much to do so. So when I'm contemplating a command that Carol isn't going to like, frequently I command her to like it first, then give the command. Basically, I'm just ensuring that we are actually aligned because honestly there's few things I would enjoy if we were not. In that same way the commands I can give her are limited because if I don't have enough control to command her to like it then I don't have enough control to command her to do it... even if the second requires infinitely less "control" than the first.

quote:

Second, how is such a “connection” fostered in general? How might creating and building this connection be done differently for D/s or M/s couples? Additionally, how might differences of intent or direction come into play with regard to the D/s or M/s couple? (understanding that by couple, I only mean the one on one interaction between people, but discussion of poly dynamics are interesting here too).

That's a lot of questions and I can't speak to any couple other than me. And this one sounds different to me than the above question. It sounds like we're talking about the authority dynamic now rather than the "connection" between Carol and I. In any event they are related. I just wrote somewhere else that the authority dynamic between Carol and I is simply what happens when you mix "default submissive" personality, my "default dominant" personality, add in a generous dollop of love and let simmer over time. That's why our dynamic existed long before we ever knew it. Obviously, once I was aware of it I could focus on it and nurture it. Like anything, I "foster" the dynamic further by stretching it's boundaries and exercising it. I apply a [mostly] gentle and [mostly] consistent pressure towards more and more malleability on her part.

In the act of doing that, though, I also strengthen our intimacy. In our case the external commands (do this) are all easy. Nothing would really stretch our dynamic that I can think of. What is going to push is are the internal commands (feel this, think this, believe this, value this, etc.). Those always require a LOT more control than simply telling her to do something. Accordingly when I want to push our dynamic I need deeper entree into her psyche. I need her to almost self-hypnotize or, if you prefer, consciously let down the internal barriers and just absorb. In the very act of "letting down the internal barriers" the intimacy thing comes rushing back. So the dynamic and the real connection between us feed each other.

No "play" for us so I gotta bail on the 3rd question.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to SacredDepravity)

Post #: 7

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/28/2012 11:21:18 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Master and I have a connection on all levels because when we met in person we both wanted the same thing, we both felt that vibe that we were good for each other, we both found each other to be similar in mental, physical and spiritual levels. The more time we spent together, the more we felt we wanted to spend more time together, the more we wanted to learn about one another, the more we realized we both loved one another.

Just because we are Master and slave does not make our attraction to one another, that connection, any different than from any other relationship in the world. The same thing that attracts people to one another outside of bdsm is the same thing that drew us together.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 8

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/28/2012 4:29:41 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity

In the course of discussions on these boards and others in private and offline, the desire for “connection” comes up on a regular basis. While I recognize there are those who do not seek anything much beyond sensation, I find that for those who do want and value “connection” both see it as core and significant underpinning for their activities and relationships, but rarely actually define it. Even less is discussed on actually fostering “connection” beyond a general relationship basis. So, I thought I would posit a few questions.

To me, a connection is simply the way my energy interacts with another person's energy. I can't think of a specific list of criteria that would really denote a connection. When it's there I know it.

(in reply to SacredDepravity)

Post #: 9

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/28/2012 5:02:55 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Compatibility, chemistry, intimacy, friendship, love. I need all of it, on all levels.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to seekingreality)

Post #: 10

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/28/2012 11:28:30 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Kana thinks his mystical "connection" has a locus right around his the head of his penis

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/29/2012 6:28:35 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

She takes me to the point of tears, pushing me. I suffer for her pleasure willingly, happily. While we both fly afterward, we cuddle and touch and feel each other like there is a golden cord binding our hearts together. The day or two after are wonderful with the cord still evident in how we see, how we feel, how we interact, how we communicate.

I get up with her early even though I don't have to be to work until 11, make her tea, prepare her clothes and hair, make her lunch and breakfast and generally "be" with her for that simple hour rather than sleeping in. It is time that we spend practicing our dynamic in small acts of service that lets her know that I love and value her. She feels cared for and valued and it makes us both feel more connected, more active in our relationship, our dynamic is expressed in acts.

Standing in the kitchen, she closes in on me, backs me up and tweeks my nipple and gives me that predator look and intent is in her eyes. I get that rush and blush and feel desired and loved and it is wonderful. I get this little endorphin rush and just want to hug her and cuddle and touch to feel her in that moment. The golden cord appears again and pulls me to her.

I can go on about mundane vanilla things like our home, our garden and our dogs that also foster that feeling of connection - "flying a close chase through life". All of those things contribute to the whole concept that D/s for us is not about sensation, but fostering connection and really feeling our dynamic and our love.

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 12/29/2012 6:29:48 AM >

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to SacredDepravity)

Post #: 12

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/29/2012 3:48:18 PM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Kana thinks his mystical "connection" has a locus right around his the head of his penis

What tha?!

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 13

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/29/2012 6:28:07 PM

SacredDepravity

Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

I can't put my words together worth anything on this thread despite my efforts. OtterSwims has come closest to my intent though. I appreciate everyone's input and hopefully this example helps clarify what I was seeking.

Oh, and Jeff, you may not play in the usual bdsm sense, but I am sure there are times you are intentionally giving commands or having Carol do things as a fun experience. I am thinking like when you parade her through a hotel lobby complete with leash and collar or the historical strip in a restaurant scenario. If you could use moments like those to address that piece, it works for me.

SD

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 14

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/29/2012 9:09:11 PM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

She came to the door
and listened to murmurs
whispers I wrote with a life of their own

She spoke through the door
with gentle intentions
laced with trails of transcendent warmth

She stood at the door
without expectation
but to savour a moment before passing on

and I let her in.

Then we danced with language, drank passion's wine, until full and unsated, we fell down to slumber; knowing that she would come round to the door again, knowing the door would be opened once more.

We still dance with whispers, until we next meet;
the waiting is torture, and torture is sweet.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to SacredDepravity)

Post #: 15

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/30/2012 8:05:38 AM

DonRosti

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/14/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity

In the course of discussions on these boards and others in private and offline, the desire for “connection” comes up on a regular basis. While I recognize there are those who do not seek anything much beyond sensation, I find that for those who do want and value “connection” both see it as core and significant underpinning for their activities and relationships, but rarely actually define it. Even less is discussed on actually fostering “connection” beyond a general relationship basis. So, I thought I would posit a few questions.

First, what is this “connection” of which we speak? Define it. Beyond that, define it in terms of physical, mental, emotional, and possibly even spiritual forms of connection. These answers I guarantee will run a full gamut and that is great. I want this to be an open discussion where we can talk about everything from spending time together, to exploring things like energy work and such.

Second, how is such a “connection” fostered in general? How might creating and building this connection be done differently for D/s or M/s couples? Additionally, how might differences of intent or direction come into play with regard to the D/s or M/s couple? (understanding that by couple, I only mean the one on one interaction between people, but discussion of poly dynamics are interesting here too).

Third, in play (assuming there is play anything from intentional dominant/submissive interaction meant as fun/enforcement of the dynamic to serious s&m sessions and everything inbetween) what is the role of connection, how is it used as a part of bolstering and intensifying play including specific actions or methods used, and what are the differences in “connected” play and disconnected play? I am interested in the function of connection in anticipation and preparation, build up and progression of activities, and any debriefing or aftercare.

Long post, but hopefully it is something that will hold interest.

SD

(in reply to SacredDepravity)

Post #: 16

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/30/2012 10:05:16 AM

SacredDepravity

Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

Oh, so now we wanna talk about poly, eh? Oh wait! You were talking about the old couple apparently enjoying each other's company.

(in reply to DonRosti)

Post #: 17

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/30/2012 10:11:45 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

connection for me, at the heart of it, is with a person that I am real with.

and those people are few and far between.

(in reply to SacredDepravity)

Post #: 18

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/30/2012 10:48:38 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Kana thinks his mystical "connection" has a locus right around his the head of his penis

What tha?!

You know, the head of my cock wants to connect with her velvet valley

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 19

RE: The Connection Phenomenon - 12/30/2012 12:14:58 PM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

She came to the door
and listened to murmurs
whispers I wrote with a life of their own

She spoke through the door
with gentle intentions
laced with trails of transcendent warmth

She stood at the door
without expectation
but to savour a moment before passing on

and I let her in.

Then we danced with language, drank passion's wine, until full and unsated, we fell down to slumber; knowing that she would come round to the door again, knowing the door would be opened once more.

We still dance with whispers, until we next meet;
the waiting is torture, and torture is sweet.

that is just lovely!

needles

_____________________________

I deserved better. Not than you, but from you.

(in reply to RemoteUser)

Post #: 20

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