Personality shift possible? (Full Version)

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Tesinato -> Personality shift possible? (12/28/2012 9:24:11 PM)

Hiya everyone. I've been a long time viewer of this website, just was a bit too timid to sign up and post, but here goes nothing. :)

So I'm a submissive type. I have been for most of my adult life, and was married to a dominant woman for 10 years. She has left me, and I'm separated at the moment. Now what her and I shared from what I understand was abusive. I don't think I need to go into details about it, but if there are questions, I have no problem going into details.

Anyway, I've been looking online for the last couple of months for a relationship, and well to be blunt, wow. I enjoy the lifestyle, and would like to find someone that I could fall in love with, and live my life with, that has the BDSM aspects to it.

What I'm finding however, is that everyone is far too extreme for me. I'm disabled, don't handle pain well due to it, and do need a bit more extra care when it comes to certain things due to my health. Being submissive, it also seems to me that I have to endure a lot more, and honestly, at this point in my life, I'm not sure if I could handle it.

I know what I want out of a relationship, what I want out of life, and while I don't really want the control aspect to it, I am aiming myself towards those goals. But I'm curious, being submissive and having a passive personality, is it possible to learn how to be dominant, and maybe alter the way I behave?

It seems to me, aside from money, being dominant is a bit easier to manage. I can control what happens, and won't have to endure as much. The biggest stumbling block for me, aside from my personality is actually striking a female. I have never in my life. I don't know why it is ok for someone to do that to me, but not the other way around, but I have a big mental block with it.

I'm probably one of the nicest guys you would ever meet, so for me to be harsh, demanding, and controlling seems very outside my wheelhouse. Let alone with what most submissive girls want. I took a gander at it last night, and I have to say what they are seeking would take a lot of overriding my morals and beliefs to do. So it is something else I struggle with. I realize it isn't abuse in the context of BDSM, and the lifestyle in general, but I don't know if I have the capability to do it.

Also with money, yea, I'm poor. Very poor. I'm on disability for my illness, so that isn't really going to change anytime soon. Being unable to work makes it a challenge I think for me to provide for a woman in the way seems typical. I don't know if in today's society if that is ok or not, but I know from what I've read and researched, being a dominant requires you to provide the toys and the places to play normally, both of which I can't do.

So yep, there it is. All my concerns, in a post. If you could give me any advice as to what to do, it would be great. I'm pretty sure I'm stuck where I am, but I hope to find a solution to it. I'm a happy go lucky person, and want to make a woman happy again. I miss the companionship, and I really miss the romance and passion that goes along with this lifestyle. Thanks for reading all this, and for giving feedback.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/28/2012 10:08:29 PM)

~FRing it~

First of all, Im sorry to hear that your relationship ended and that it was abusive in your eyes. Since this sounds like its pretty recent and fresh, Ill be honest in saying that Im not sure jumping right into something right away is a good idea. I especially dont think its a good idea when you are asking the question you are asking. If you identify as submissive and feel you have a submissive personality, why are you asking about trying to be something you arent? It kind of sounds like you are grasping at any straw you can just to be able to say you are in the lifestyle.

Its kind of like me deciding that I like the thought of being a neurosurgeon...along with the money and all of the other added benefits that I imagine comes with being a neurosurgeon....but Ive been a grave digger my whole life. Im not an actual grave digger, but you get my point. Just because I think that being a neurosurgeon would make my life easier or better, it doesnt mean that I have the skills or the education or the training to pull that off. Dont get me wrong, I can open someone's skull up pretty easy. But I sure as hell wouldnt be able to put the person's head back together again and Im sure Id totally fuck their brain up beyond all belief in the process. [:)]

From everything that you have said about yourself, you do not sound like you have the chops to pull off dominance. I dont want this to come across as a criticism or anything. Im just going based off what you said and I dont think you think you have it in you to do it either. Being dominant is no cakewalk. Its a lot of work, if you want the honest truth. Yeah the control is nice, but there is a cost to be the boss. At least thats the way I personally see my D/s. Others are going to feel differently and Im sure you will get lots of different points of view.

My best piece of advice is this...Maybe instead of trying to become something you arent, you focus more on finding someone who is compatible with you as far as whatever side of the kneel you feel you belong on. Think of this as a spectrum. You are going to have some people on the extreme end of it, others on the lightest side of it...and all along the way you are going to find people at different levels. You just need to find someone who falls around the same place on the spectrum that you fall on.

I wish you luck no matter what your decision is. Do what you feel is the right thing for you.



littlewonder -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/28/2012 10:15:10 PM)

Personally, if you feel your marriage was abusive, my advice is therapy, not another relationship of any kind whatsoever. You have a lot of issues to deal with right now from what you've written.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/28/2012 10:18:46 PM)

You seem very sub to me. Why you think you could shift to being a dom I have no idea.

I assume you think it would make it easier to find someone. Dood, you are in NJ, there are a million kink groups close to you.

Since you don't work, you have literally all day to work on improving those skills that would make you valuable as a sub: cooking, cleaning, boot black, manicurist/pedicurist, etc, etc.

I know finances are tight, the local library is your friend. Plus I am sure there are tons of free things to do in your area. Get out, enjoy life, and stop making your disease who you are. That's not attractive.



Tesinato -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/28/2012 10:47:12 PM)

I've been separated for 7 1/2 months now, so I think enough time has passed to where seeking another relationship isn't a bad thing. As far as the abusive part goes, I never really saw it. It was a couple of friends I made on a support group website that are also into the lifestyle that pointed out what she did to me was abusive. Their words were that it wasn't SSC, and that I should be happy she left me. I honestly felt loved and cared for when I was in the relationship.

I like your example of the neurosurgeon Seeking, but to be devil's advocate here, being a grave digger, couldn't you go to school, and learn the skills needed to become what you desire? I realize in personalities that is a bit more complicated, as there isn't exactly a school to teach yourself how to be something new. You do make a valid point of just being who I am, and honestly it is probably the best advice.

Littlewonder, I don't honestly have that many issues truth be told. Most of my issues revolve around money. I'm actually in a very good place right now, happy and smiling and laughing. And with Chatte's thoughts in mind, I do go out. I make it a point to go out 2 nights a week with my friends. None of my friends are into the lifestyle, and honestly I keep it to myself as it tends to freak them out that I like it.

I go out bowling, hiking, geo-caching if you know what that is, movies, sometimes just over to someone's house to play games. I do live life, and do enjoy my life very much. For the first time in a very long while, I feel like I'm in control of my life. For the last 4 years, I've been confined to a chair due to my ex's instructions. Due to my illness, I am prone to fall if I am too weak, and rather then help me up, I was to be chair bound.

There is a lot of other stuff that she did in this 4 year span, that would be considered not SSC, but I did it out of respect and love for her. Honestly, I was so under her control, I'd probably done anything she asked that didn't risk my life.

Also Chatte, I am learning how to cook and clean now actually. I used to be a great cook before I got sick, and with some work I'm starting to become better at it again. It is a lot harder then I remember, but I enjoy it. Cleaning I do alright until chemicals are involved, but I'm working on that too. I don't feel sorry for myself, nor do I make my disease who I am. It is apart of me and I have to accept that, but who I am as a person is who I am. I might conform some of my activities around it, due to it being risky, but it doesn't prevent me from living a life anymore.

And that is my biggest fear, losing that again. From what I've seen in personals around on this site and alt.com, most want you to completely submit instantly, and abandon everything for them. I don't know if I can do that again. I did that with my ex for 10 years, and honestly, now that I have them all back in my life, my friends, my family, I am not eager to give that up again. It is the biggest factor as to why I was curious about being capable of altering my personality.

I hope this better explains things, and gives a bit more insight as to my motives and goals behind the original question.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/28/2012 10:49:58 PM)

The point of what I was saying was that you sound like you are trying to be something you dont think you are. And no amount of wishing, education, or training can make you be something you ultimately arent.

Yes, there are those out there who want you to abandon everything for them and give everything you have to them. If thats not you, avoid those types. Not all of us dominant types out there think like that though. The ones you spoke about are only a fraction of whats out there. The beauty of this is that you can find someone who is compatible with you. It might take time and you might have to sort through a whole lot of what you dont want to find what you are looking for. But nothing that is really good is guaranteed to come easy.



Tesinato -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/28/2012 10:54:01 PM)

I know I'm not dominant. I know full well that I'm submissive and passive in my behavior patterns. I'm also very logical and analytical. It is honestly how dominant women seem to control me, from what I can tell. I am of the mindset that if one really wants to change they can, but I don't know if this is possible. All the studying of people I do, it doesn't seem like people are capable of altering their core traits much. You are who you are is my assessment. I was hoping that wasn't the case.



JeffBC -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/28/2012 11:48:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tesinato
I am of the mindset that if one really wants to change they can, but I don't know if this is possible. All the studying of people I do, it doesn't seem like people are capable of altering their core traits much. You are who you are is my assessment. I was hoping that wasn't the case.

IMO both true and not true. I agree that core traits generally don't change without "a significant emotional event" (death of a child, etc.) But us humans are complex creatures. There are layers and layers of adaptive behavior on top of our core traits. We are really quite adaptable. So I'd say you probably can with enough time, effort, and appropriate mentors. My big question would be why would you want to do such a thing? Wouldn't it be simpler to just be more prudent in picking who you give ultimate authority over to?

In the immortal words of agirl, "Happily, I didn't pick an idiot to own me so the bills get paid and the children get fed even if I do obey."



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 1:33:26 AM)

Two things come to mind:

Being dominant is no easier or harder than being submissive, they just have different challenges. It's like saying being an introvert is easier than being an extrovert because you don't have to go out as much. They are both just personality types. The hard bit will come from trying to be something you are not.

Say you could get over your dislike for hitting a partner, and your logical nature makes you good at making decisions. Some things can absolutely be learned. You can learn to swing a flogger like a pro. You can learn what phrases make your sub partner all gooey and watch her reactions to figure out how to inspire her submission. But can you keep it up for the rest of your life? Do you want to be back here in three years saying your relationship is falling apart because trying to be a dom when you're not dominant is exhausting, so you've been letting things slip? She feels betrayed because you're not the dom she thought and you can't meet her needs. You feel resentful because you're trying really hard and she's still not happy, and you're not getting your needs met at all.

And secondly, but just as important:

Do not take a cross-section of internet profiles as an accurate representation of what people are doing in real life. You will get a distorted and unrealistic view. The bad news is there aren't many female dominants searching on this site and similar ones. As such, people will try to exploit male subs by creating scam or 'fake' profiles (I hate using the word fake, but bear with me). Many of the profiles you see which are extreme or require instant domination are either other men looking for cyber sex, pro or findommes looking for a money-for-play arrangement or out and out scammers who will shortly ask for money to relocate. So most of these profiles which seem vastly incompatible with you were never really options to begin with. They are written like that to appeal to a particular customer base.

Added to that, people can say what they want online. Even those who are really seeking long term relationships might exaggerate in their profile. A lot of people have no experience, and so write about how they fantasise it will work, when in reality they are not likely to be as extreme.

Point is, what you are seeking doesn't sound all that out there to me. It sounds like you are falling victim to a skewed perception sites like these can create. If you hang around the boards and chat with those of us who are living D/s relationships you might be surprised how few of us sound all that extreme. You can absolutely be sub without much/any pain play. Sooner or later in life we will all have to adapt to health restrictions.

In short, get out there and meet people in the flesh. Go to munches and you will meet more people who want what you want. And as a bonus, people will get a better image of what a nice guy you are in person, your reputation will grow and you will no longer be 'just' another male sub in a sea of people searching online.



lizi -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 6:32:34 AM)

I'm not sure trying to remake yourself into a Dominant would work. Those types of situations when they come up on the boards seem to have both parties feeling unfulfilled. It sounds more like you would be play acting a role- you might find someone who would be interested in role play, but I'm thinking it might be hard. Really I'd suggest sticking to your present orientation and additionally...getting out and meeting people at a munch or something so that you'd have a better chance.



JeffBC -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 10:18:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Being dominant is no easier or harder than being submissive, they just have different challenges.

Depending on what means by "dominant" I'd disagree. The thing that I talk about is definitely both a lot harder and a lot scarier which is why there are so few. Everyone WANTS to be the "natural born leader" or "alpha" or <insert label here> until the time comes where they have to decide to step up or step back. It is a +breeding, -survival life strategy that few want to engage in and with very good reasons.



LeatherBentOne51 -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 10:20:00 AM)

As I read your profile, I see you mention you ere not looking for a woman who wants to change you into something youre not. I'm confused as to why you then wish to change yourself into so0mething youre not???? You sound way more confused than I do.

Why not find out who you are before you enter another relationship, no matter what flavor?

LBO



angelikaJ -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 11:04:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Tesinato

I've been separated for 7 1/2 months now, so I think enough time has passed to where seeking another relationship isn't a bad thing. As far as the abusive part goes, I never really saw it. It was a couple of friends I made on a support group website that are also into the lifestyle that pointed out what she did to me was abusive. Their words were that it wasn't SSC, and that I should be happy she left me. I honestly felt loved and cared for when I was in the relationship.


If you felt loved and cared for, it is possible that the relationship was not abusive.
There are many ways of handling a dynamic and SSC is only one of them- i.e. there is also RACK.

So, I would recommend some counseling with a kink aware person, because you should be able to identify an abusive relationship as well as understand what a healthy one is.





LadyPact -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 12:42:06 PM)

Chalk Me up to the 'why would you want to' position as well. There's a difference between not wanting to lose yourself and feeling that you have to be somebody else not to lose yourself.

You say very specifically that you want a relationship with the BDSM aspects in it. What part of it is appealing to you when you would be the person in control of someone else? It's not enough to say that you don't want to be submissive because that equates giving things up for you. Part of being Dominant in a dynamic is about how it fulfills a person. I didn't see anything in your post about that.

I'd like to wish you the best of luck but I don't think trying to become Dominant would be the best course. It's generally not a good idea to try to be something that you're not.



Tesinato -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 2:23:07 PM)

I think after reading all of your posts, you guys are right. Long term, it probably would spell disaster for the relationship, and that is a burden I rather avoid if at all costs. Honestly I'm a bit of a newbie when it comes to relationships. I met my ex in high school, and married her. I've only been with one woman so far, so to be fair I have no idea what to expect from the rest of the world. But from what I've seen as far as profiles go, it is scary. I like what I've become as a person, and honestly want to find someone that will nourish that and accept me for who I am, instead of doing what my ex did and for the lack of a better word and chain me up and alter everything about me.

These munches you talk about, what are they like? I saw on fetlife that there are 2 in my local area, but honestly I was a bit intimidated by them. I am supposed to be getting a car next month if all goes well, so I have been considering breaking out of my shell a little more and attending one. I'm a bit unsure what is expected though, and with my timid and shy personality, I worry I won't fit in. I'm socially awkward from time to time, and new situations like that are hard for me, but I'm willing to try regardless. I want to evolve into a better person, and be more apart of the lifestyle and culture. I wasn't allowed to previously as it didn't interest my ex, so after the initial shock of doing it, I think I will be ok.

Told be told, I wanted to alter who I was because I'm tired of the timid, shy, passive, unable to make a decision guy I am. While I know it is me, and for the most part am accepting of it, I do find that there are times that if I just came out of my shell things would be ok. There is so much inherit risk in that, that I typically pull back and observe. I know I'm strange, and probably a bit weird as a person, but I have been my whole life and I doubt that is ever going to change. I think for me, watching my marriage fall apart, finally being free and seeing all that she really did to me, and how she stripped me away as a person, I'm a bit intimidated by the women here that claim to be dominant. I will overcome those fears like I do everything else in time, but it felt like I needed to ask.

I want to thank everyone for their input. I love the fact that I can go to forums, ask for advice, and get some really good quality feedback. You guys have given me a lot to ponder and analyze, and honestly have shown me that it would be unwise to change myself. You have shown me that it will only wind up biting me in the end, so I will stay who I am as a person, and hope that one day a woman comes along that will fit in my life the way I need her to, and the way she needs me to fit into hers.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 2:41:41 PM)

Good call! Im glad to see that you realize trying to be something you know you arent isnt a good thing.

It might take you a a bit, but I am actually confident that you will be able to find the person you are looking for who isnt going to tear you down and they will take your disability into account when it comes to tailoring things to suit what you physically can do. Im the type that does things like that....and if there is a me out there, there are bound to be more out there who feel the same way. You have to keep in mind that any Tom, Dick, Harry, or Mary can come onto a kink site, declare themselves <fill in the blank>, and tailor a profile to reflect that claim. Are they really that? Who knows. Just trust your gut instinct, keep your eyes on the prize, and dont let anything or anyone stop you from living to your full potential. Dont let the fact that those types exist dissuade you from being who you truly feel you are. You can come out of your shell and still hang onto your submissiveness.

If the munches in your area are anything like mine, its a group of people who meet up at a restaurant or whatever on a given night. Its kept pretty vanilla and you dont see people swinging from the chandeliers. We have a club out here that hosts a party once a month catering to kink and you will see stuff like that there, but munches tend to be very non-threatening and pretty tame. Now you will have to break some ice. A lot of long running munches have people who have been attending for years and they can be a bit cliquish. But some also have a person who might take a new person under their wing and maybe help them get introduced around. All in all, its a great way to meet up with people who are kink oriented in a very un-kink setting.



JeffBC -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 2:47:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tesinato
I like what I've become as a person, and honestly want to find someone that will nourish that and accept me for who I am, instead of doing what my ex did and for the lack of a better word and chain me up and alter everything about me.

When I ponder my (admittedly very limited) interactions with real world dominants I would say that what you are looking for is actually quite common. I'd encourage you to be VERY careful about assuming real life bears any resemblance to what you read in profiles. It doesn't. For me, at least, it doesn't even bear any resemblance to what I read on these boards. If BDSM in the real world actually resembled what I read here I would be running far and fast never to return. This is the internet.

These munches you talk about, what are they like?
I love answering this question because it wasn't all that long ago for me and I clearly remember all my concerns about going (and even worse, having Carol go with me). The short answer based upon my own experience? It's a bunch of folks getting together and having a hamburger or whatever and discussing some carefully chosen topics in a casual environment. In other words, all my fear was totally wasted.

Told be told, I wanted to alter who I was because I'm tired of the timid, shy, passive, unable to make a decision guy I am.
We all want to grow and improve. Being dominant is no exception from that. Were I you I'd think of this more like "Wanting to gain some new skill sets" rather than "wanting to change myself." You'll still be you... just with some coping tools to help you deal with situations that are less suited for your basic personality type. And while I'm at that... there are PLENTY Of situations in which being dominant is not exactly the optimal personality type and so us dominants also need to have coping mechanisms for when that occurs.

and hope that one day a woman comes along that will fit in my life the way I need her to, and the way she needs me to fit into hers.
Well here then. Let me throw a little hope in your hope chest. The #1 complaint -- BY FAR -- that I see from female dominants is about male subs who see them as a kink delivery system. You are looking for a relationship in which you assume the follower role rather than some dominant woman to do your bidding. In other words the thing you're after is what a lot of them are after too.

Good luck in your search.




Tesinato -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 3:23:54 PM)

It is a lesson I'm learning about the internet in terms of profiles. I'm far too honest and open, and apparently that isn't what is normal on sites like this. I have contacted a few women here in the last week, and while their profiles seem to match what I'm looking for, they are the exact opposite. I'm starting to wonder if us submissive folk are just seen as saps, and those that can be taken advantage of. I still to this day don't fully understand lying on a profile page about your likes, wants, needs, desires. I get that people like to scam you, and sure, there are some that just can't be honest, but it seems in the dating fields, that is 95% of who you run into. For me, I don't fully get it, being I'm so new to it all. I guess I missed the class on how to behave on the internet or something.

I'm relieved to know that these munches are casual in nature. I don't think I could bring myself to go to one if they weren't at least casual in dress. I'm not one to dress up, so I sense I won't fit in on that eventually if I look deeper into things, but I'll tackle that when we get there. For now, I think I'll work towards attending one and overcoming that fear, and maybe better understand things. I want to be apart of the local community here where I live, but in a secretive way. My family and friends don't really have a clue about what I enjoy, and honestly I'd rather keep it that way. I'm not ashamed of who I am, but I remember years ago trying to talk to them about certain things that I enjoy, and well, yea that didn't go well. I'm pretty sure that won't be that hard to do though, as it seems most are a bit secretive with this as social and cultural perception of this lifestyle is frowned upon.

And Jeff, that is good to know. Maybe there is hope for me yet. I'm very grateful for you and everyone else taking the time out to help me find my way. It really does mean a lot to me.



Baroana -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 4:17:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Tesinato

Hiya everyone. I've been a long time viewer of this website, just was a bit too timid to sign up and post, but here goes nothing. :)


Welcome!

quote:

So I'm a submissive type.


I like submissive types.

quote:

I'm separated at the moment.


Ouch, that sucks, dude. My sympathies. By the way, the brutal truth is that many folks won't touch freshly separated with a ten foot pole.

quote:

Now what her and I shared from what I understand was abusive.


Then give yourself the gift of a good therapist. You'll thank you.

quote:

Anyway, I've been looking online for the last couple of months for a relationship


I presume that what you mean is, you've been trying to meet people in order to see if there is a special someone out there with whom a relationship could be in the cards. They don't sell relationships on Amazon.

quote:

I enjoy the lifestyle, and would like to find someone that I could fall in love with, and live my life with, that has the BDSM aspects to it.


Join the club.

quote:

What I'm finding however, is that everyone is far too extreme for me.


Really? That's you're big issue with BDSM online perving? Not that you can't find someone who clicks with you, or all the "fakes" that supposedly saturate this place?

quote:

I'm disabled, don't handle pain well due to it, and do need a bit more extra care when it comes to certain things due to my health.


That sucks. Again though, let's not kid ourselves. A serious medical condition makes it that much harder to find someone for a BDSM relationship, or any relationship. Expect this journey to take years, get used to disappointment and frustration, and once again, join the club.

By the way, I think I read on this thread somewhere that you were with your wife since high school. I surmise that people in such relationships have no idea what it's like to be a single adult. The rest of us out here deal with loneliness on a regular basis and go it alone for years hoping to someday meet "the one." In the meantime, we worry that we'll die alone. Welcome to the party, dude. I get the feeling that you're already willing to do just about anything to leave it.

quote:

Being submissive, it also seems to me that I have to endure a lot more, and honestly, at this point in my life, I'm not sure if I could handle it.


Uhhhh.... ok. I'm not sure what gives you that idea. Are you talking about physical pain? What you're referring to there is S&M, and it may or may not comprise part of a "BDSM relationship."

quote:

I know what I want out of a relationship


I don't think you do.

quote:

is it possible to learn how to be dominant, and maybe alter the way I behave?


Probably not. I think that would be like me saying that while I know I'm a straight woman, many of the men out there are assholes. Thus, perhaps I should turn myself lesbian.

quote:

It seems to me, aside from money, being dominant is a bit easier to manage. I can control what happens, and won't have to endure as much.


Oh, really. I think you might be falling into the trap of thinking that being the dominant means you won't be lied to, cheated on, or left. Wrong on all accounts.

quote:

The biggest stumbling block for me, aside from my personality is actually striking a female.


Then you aren't into it, and you shouldn't try to be. Also, I have to say that if you are too disabled to work, you probably are too disabled to dish out S&M.

quote:

I have to say what they are seeking would take a lot of overriding my morals and beliefs to do.


You are so putting the cart before the horse. First find a compatible person. A woman worth getting to know will be about personality first and foremost, not kink.

quote:

Also with money, yea, I'm poor. Very poor.


Too poor to take a woman out for dates and pick up the tab at least half the time? Then I'm afraid you are SOL. Again, just trying to help by being honest.

quote:

I know from what I've read and researched, being a dominant requires you to provide the toys and the places to play normally, both of which I can't do.


Oy.

No, that's not necessarily true, but are you saying you don't even have your own place?

quote:

I'm a happy go lucky person


Really? You totally had me fooled.

Other people here have good advice too. Best of luck to you.



Tesinato -> RE: Personality shift possible? (12/29/2012 4:38:15 PM)

I'm not that poor no Baroana, but finances are definitely tighter then usual. You are right that I need to work towards finding a compatible person before anything else, but knowing that kink is one thing that must be compatible for me to be happy in a relationship is why I'm here, and not say match.com.

I actually am a happy go lucky person, just have some inner conflicts that I'm working through. If you would of seen me 7 1/2 months ago, trust me, I'm far happier now. You are definitely right though. I have no idea what it is like to be single, and from what I've experienced so far, it isn't that great. I miss the companionship mostly, the capability of talking to someone close to me, and sharing my feelings, my secrets, my fears, my dreams, without the harshness that comes with talking to friends or family.

I think it is the "fakes" that are the actual problem. They sound far worse then they really are, and there aren't many that are actually mild in their desires. The few that are, really aren't, and are most likely fake as well. It makes finding a real person that much more complicated, and I sense that because I'm disabled, that narrows the pot even more. I am hopeful that someone will overlook it and see the wonderful person I am, but if our culture and society are indicators, it will take a bit more then hope to get the job done.

As explained, I didn't think it was abusive, but others told me it was. I'm not really concerned about it, as I know I'm in a far better place now, and know what pitfalls to avoid the next go around. I've talked to a few of my friends about it, analyzed and sorted out all I felt, and honestly aside from conversations like this, she isn't even a thought in my mind. She hasn't been in a pretty long while. I realize being separated is like limbo for most people, so I get that. If I had my way, I'd be divorced by now, but laws are laws, and since I had to move back to NJ from OH, I have to wait a year before that can be filed. Since she moved back to her family too as far as I'm aware, she can't file either until a year, hence the limbo. I know without a doubt that if she could of filed already, she would have. Last I heard, from a friend of mine, she was in a very serious relationship with someone.

Hope that addresses all your comments. I liked how you broke that down. I haven't seen that in a very long while. It reminds me of someone I used to know back when I used to work. Thanks for the advice Baroana.



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