SacredDepravity
Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
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ORIGINAL: Tesinato
Hiya everyone. I've been a long time viewer of this website, just was a bit too timid to sign up and post, but here goes nothing. :)
Welcome!
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So I'm a submissive type. I have been for most of my adult life, and was married to a dominant woman for 10 years. She has left me, and I'm separated at the moment. Now what her and I shared from what I understand was abusive. I don't think I need to go into details about it, but if there are questions, I have no problem going into details.
Dominant or domineering? And that's a serious question and does matter by the way. I doubt knowing the details of the abuse are necessary, though we are being placed in the position of assuming that you were the victim. If that is not a correct assumption, then it matters and I would need to know in order to respond correctly.
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Anyway, I've been looking online for the last couple of months for a relationship, and well to be blunt, wow. I enjoy the lifestyle, and would like to find someone that I could fall in love with, and live my life with, that has the BDSM aspects to it.
What I'm finding however, is that everyone is far too extreme for me. I'm disabled, don't handle pain well due to it, and do need a bit more extra care when it comes to certain things due to my health. Being submissive, it also seems to me that I have to endure a lot more, and honestly, at this point in my life, I'm not sure if I could handle it.
Extreme how?
Masochism is not a mainstay for every single submissive. Needing care is not unsubmissive nor is it unreasonable to expect to have your needs met (including medical). I will be the first to admit I hate having to be taken care of and fussed over, but that is more my issue than having to do with it actually being wrong. Just like with putting on your own mask before helping a child with theirs on an airplane, self care is essential to caring for anyone else. Be kind with yourself.
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I know what I want out of a relationship, what I want out of life, and while I don't really want the control aspect to it, I am aiming myself towards those goals. But I'm curious, being submissive and having a passive personality, is it possible to learn how to be dominant, and maybe alter the way I behave?
This is where the good stuff is.
OP, it is very natural and normal to need to take control of things for awhile after being in a situation where you have not had control. When I came out an abusive relationship years back, I went back to school, got a full time job, and got my own place. I picked out and paid for a whole new houseful of furniture, linens, groceries. Doorknobs down, for that stage of my life, I did me. It felt good and let me reestablish a nearly wiped out identity. I came out of it knowing things I hadn't for a long time like what my favorite color was and what foods were my favorite or even when I liked to wake up or go to bed. I also took time out for some therapy. Being controlled is likely the last thing you need right now, though that doesn't change who you are.
You are still submissive, OP, if that was actually who you were in the first place. These are rather hardwired personality traits for many of us. You can ACT dominant and even dominate certain people, but what you will likely find is that it doesn't feed you. Your spirit will come to atrophy from a lack of the nourishment you need. Yes, you likely need to relearn boundaries and enforcing them. Yes, you probably do need lessons in asserting yourself when appropriate, but just because you will it does not mean you are suddenly going to become a person with an actual dominant personality.
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It seems to me, aside from money, being dominant is a bit easier to manage. I can control what happens, and won't have to endure as much. The biggest stumbling block for me, aside from my personality is actually striking a female. I have never in my life. I don't know why it is ok for someone to do that to me, but not the other way around, but I have a big mental block with it.
First of all, please do meet and get to know people before beating them or having them beat you. It's just a safety thing.
And where do you get the idea that being a dominant is so easy? If one is doing this with any kind of integrity and standards, it's damned hard. Not only is there all that bossing people around, but the responsibility that goes along with being the one demanding obedience and getting it and its consequences. There's mastering physical, psychological, emotional, and social techniques. If you mess this one up you could kill, injure, or permanently otherwise mess someone up. There's being expected to provide for and control all or aspects of another's life. Yeah, that sounds so much easier to me.
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I'm probably one of the nicest guys you would ever meet, so for me to be harsh, demanding, and controlling seems very outside my wheelhouse. Let alone with what most submissive girls want. I took a gander at it last night, and I have to say what they are seeking would take a lot of overriding my morals and beliefs to do. So it is something else I struggle with. I realize it isn't abuse in the context of BDSM, and the lifestyle in general, but I don't know if I have the capability to do it.
First of all, if you are a submissive personality type submissive, then this IS out of your wheelhouse and that's okay. It should be. It's not who you are. Try to be okay with being who you are rather than trying to fit yourself into something you simply are not.
Second, hubby runs up against similar struggles and is why I am currently seeking (at his behest) a dominant partner here. He is "vanilla twist" I guess with some submissive leanings and the rare dominant proclivity if the mood strikes. What he cannot do and look himself in the mirror is hit me. He will revel with me in the marks others leave on me and knows it gets me all giddy and tingly, but he can't stand them coming from his own hand. That's not a bad thing. It's an is what it is thing.
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Also with money, yea, I'm poor. Very poor. I'm on disability for my illness, so that isn't really going to change anytime soon. Being unable to work makes it a challenge I think for me to provide for a woman in the way seems typical. I don't know if in today's society if that is ok or not, but I know from what I've read and researched, being a dominant requires you to provide the toys and the places to play normally, both of which I can't do.
Who says? If I want to be with someone, in this day and age, I know sometimes I might have to pick up a tab or two.
As for the rest, it sounds thoroughly from one end of your post to the other that this just isn't the time to be getting into a relationship. You have a lot of healing to do personally and, apparently, financially. Take some time and work on you and your well being.
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So yep, there it is. All my concerns, in a post. If you could give me any advice as to what to do, it would be great. I'm pretty sure I'm stuck where I am, but I hope to find a solution to it. I'm a happy go lucky person, and want to make a woman happy again. I miss the companionship, and I really miss the romance and passion that goes along with this lifestyle. Thanks for reading all this, and for giving feedback.
So, do you feel better? Sometimes we just need to let things out. After you've had a chance to do some healing and soul searching, I am sure there will be a lovely dominant lady who will accept you for you and treat you well. Just remember healthy attracts healthy. If you want a healthy partner, you need to be one first. I wish you all the best in the world.
SD
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RE: Personality shift possible? - 
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