RE: Should I stay or should I go?

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RE: Should I stay or should I go? - 6/18/2006 10:46:49 PM

FangsNfeet

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It looks like he is already making the choice for you to either stay or go. Either way, you are not his savior. He has to pull himself out of his own hole. Whatever he does is not our fault. If he can't be happy with himself then he can't be happy with other people. At the rate things are going now, it sounds like that he does not want to take anything to a higher level. I've read your profile and it sounds like Grad School will be taking up most of your time anyways. All around it does not sound like the time is right for the two of you to be in a serious relationship. For now, distance is good and staying in touch for the next year and half to two can't hurt anything. But if he's not ready to commit by the time you're done with Grad School, then you know that you explored and had some memories but that it's time to move on.

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RE: Should I stay or should I go? - 6/18/2006 10:48:41 PM

KSControl

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It takes about two weeks without ANY nicotine to get it out of the system. If he isn't smoking any at all, after about 2 weeks he will start to feel more like himself again, and if the quitting smoking is the only issue that is causing the problem, you should be able to resume your relationship. Meanwhile, you have to evaluate whether you genuinely care for him and have a long-term committment, or whether this is just a 'learning' relationship, which doesn't matter that much. Personally, I can't imagine walking out on someone I cared for because they'd had a bad week. If it turns into a bad month, then I'd definitely be thinking there's more going on than just the smoking, but at this point he is dealing with barely being able to function, much less relate to others in a warm and caring way. In the long run, it's a good thing. Yes, it hurts to be ignored by someone who normally shows you a lot of attention and affection, but part of caring for someone is realizing that there are times when you have to be more concerned with their needs than your own. Give him the opportunity to get through this, and then re-evaluate the relationship, but don't bail just because he can't meet your need for affirmation right now. Instead, focus on affirming him and his choice for a healthier lifestyle. Sometimes the greatest way to serve someone is simply to allow him room to deal with his own demons.

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RE: Should I stay or should I go? - 6/19/2006 12:36:09 AM

suggababy23

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Joined: 10/16/2005
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Noah,

Thank you for your advice. However I wanted to point out that I in no way want to show him as being a "villian". I don't think that at all. I just wanted to clarify that

To everyone else,
Thank you again for your replies. I read each of them and some of them hit closer to home than most of you realize. I appreciate it. I have never been around anyone who has quit smoking so this is indeed a new experience. Actually, BDSM itself is a relatively new experience for me as well. It's all new and exciting and terrifying at the same time. I am learning to take challenges as they come. It's hard to assess a situation you have never been in. However, in the time between my first post and this one, he and I have had time to talk and I believe we have reached a solution. So all I can hope for now is that the best is yet to come.

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RE: Should I stay or should I go? - 6/19/2006 5:45:16 AM

dilligaf

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i dont want to sound harsh but if he really cared he would respond by saying i need some time to get over this but he hasnt replied at all.maybe hes using quitting smoking as an excuse to let you go.just send him a message that your there for him if he needs you but you wont wait forever.he should think about your feelings too not just himself.as long as you know in your heart that you did your best to help you will have no regrets.you have to get on with your life too you cant wait around forever

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RE: Should I stay or should I go? - 6/20/2006 7:10:07 AM

wandersalone

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smiles, I hope that the two of you talking together about the things which have been concerning you will resolve the issues and that you also ask him if he needs a little distance maybe for a little while. I do hope that the best is yet to come for the two of you

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RE: Should I stay or should I go? - 6/20/2006 5:34:16 PM

Totalmaster4you

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Hi sugga,
I feel your pain since I quit a long time ago. However maybe you should take a step back. With the cigarret the physical addiction is gone after one week. After that it's strictly mental. It almost seems that he is pushing you into some Dom behaviors. Because you had begun to establish certain relationship patterns with him which are now not happening. My instinct tells me you should break off and mourn the relationship that you had and that now is gone.Just because someone is detoxing doesn't mean that the brain disconnects completely. My instinct says that there is
something else going on and he is trying to move away from you. He doesn't
have the courage to handle it properly so he's trying to push it onto you. If there is more detail that you think might alter my perspective then let me know.
Hope this helps
Master Alan
Taking you to Infinity and Beyoonnnddd!

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RE: Should I stay or should I go? - 6/22/2006 1:17:43 PM

Fawne

Posts: 462
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Hi suggababy!

Well, if in a relationship and they had something they wished to overcome and were not in the best mood, or not that attentive - I'd try and stick it out and be patient and let him know I was there for him. If he is really horrible towards you, hurts you.. then that is different, especially in a new relationship.

Why would you leave someone who was working on something he may see as improving his long term health, a decision that he has made? Can you support his decisions?

I am not a smoker, but I understand it is very physically addicting, more or less, since every one's bio-chemistry differs. Is he going cold turkey? Could something like a nicotine patch help? Could you politely suggest that? Some people think they have to tough things out. Could he see it as weak to have help/medical support? . Reassure him that it is not so, as even the toughest can use a hand up at times.

Good luck to you both, fawne

P.S. "If I go it could be trouble....and if I stay it could be double..."
Kickinchick: that was the first thing on my brain too! A song, LOL!

< Message edited by Fawne -- 6/22/2006 1:25:35 PM >

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RE: Should I stay or should I go? - 6/22/2006 7:04:47 PM

LordDominik

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Joined: 5/3/2004
From: Omaha, Nebraska
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I'm not 100% certain of the dynamic of the relationship you have with your Dominant, so My advice may be a bit off, but this is My opinion nonetheless.

If I am in a relationship with a submissive, and there is something wrong with Me that I may not realize, I would expect her to say something. When you address something of this nature, you're not just concerned about you, or your Dom, but the good of the relationship as a whole. Take a little bit of a step back, and approach this from the perspective of a team effort. Use W/we instead of you or I when talking about it. It's not just his problem, if it has a direct affect on the relationship overall. Also remember, he is going through a change right now both physically and mentally, so it's best to remain calm, and keep a very understanding tone of voice. Make sure that you voice your issues clearly, and that you allow him to voice his as well. Patience would be very good here, even though things may be rough right now. If you truly want this to work, be there for him however you can. EVen Dominants are human, and we too have our issues that we go through.

Best of Luck
~ LD

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RE: Should I stay or should I go? - 6/23/2006 8:32:07 AM

TolerableCruelty

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Glad I'm not in His shoes.....

*lights up a smoke*

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RE: Should I stay or should I go? - 6/23/2006 12:13:01 PM

Tamerofwild1s

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I quit smoking about 18 months ago cold turkey. There are a bunch of symptoms we get when we stop ingesting nicotine, such as we feel sluggish, tired, depressed, sick to our stomach, headache, Diarrhea , constipation, slowed down reaction time, the way we metabolize food changes. We can have insomnia. It is a hard patch you master has hit, I would try to stay aloof but available if he needs to talk to you, don't pressure.. and do not take this personally.

I would perhaps email him or call him and tell him that you feel he needs space at this time and want to honor that.

Good luck

as usual julia hit it right on the head .... you need to give a little space and let his body heal . it's going thru a rough bit . I tried the stop smoking things a few times . different reactions each time ... but edgey was a understatement each time . let him know your still there for him when he needs you .. but definetly pull a safe distance back. if you continue to push you may just find he pushes you out completely .. and I'm sure from your OP thats not what you want. I have never personally experienced depression from quitting . is it possible something else may be bothering him?

Just be supportive and caring if you truely don't want to see yourself without him . but give him a few days inbetween calls till he comes around

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