The realities of relocation (Full Version)

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AAkasha -> The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 5:26:50 PM)

In another thread there were some posts saying that geography was a limitation for finding partners.  I believe this is, in many cases, an excuse; if someone wants to meet their perfect partner, they have to be willing to consider relocation.  There are some practical things to consider in order to not get burned or to not waste time. I'm sure others will come  up with more, but here's my short list. 

Note that these precautions are for those seeking to enter into a longterm, real life, permanent relationship - not those just looking for play friends.

1. If you have chemistry online and on the phone with someone, discuss early on if relocation is feasible.  However, do not take the "no" too seriously unless it's really been broken down; is it a "no" because of convenience/fear, or is it a "no" because of a huge family commitment?

2. Never become monogamous with someone you have never met in person.  No matter how much you feel like you connect with someone online, don't put all your eggs in one basket.  Keep your options open.

3. Set a time line for a real life meeting and stick to it.  The older you are, the shorter the time period should be.  The more you are infatuated, the shorter the time period should be.

4. If one partner is way more into the other one, they should carry the burden of setting up a real life meeting. Both people should not be monogamous anyway.  Date freely outside your online friendship/romance.

5. Make sure you meet not only for a weekend or short trip, but in relatively short order set up a time where you will be living together for 7+ days so you can experience not only highs, but some lows/conflicts/debates.

6. Make sure you meet their friends and family quickly.

7. If you live in different countries, investigate the realities of immigration early.

8. Don't think that just because it's awesome on the phone and online that it will turn into anything in real life; until you meet face to face, accept that the chances are you will NOT connect that well in person.  Chemistry is a real life, in person thing!

9.  With #8 in mind, never delay a face to face meeting, no matter how good it is online and on the phone.

10. Never trust an online partner. Until you meet in person, or even after that, remember they may be married or hiding a number of things.  Some people invest a lot of time in lies.  When possible, talk to their friends or family on the phone during the courting stage. 

Any other tips?
Akasha



Sab -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 5:35:32 PM)

I am moving to Canada on the 22nd. :)



GddssBella -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 5:36:40 PM)

G'evening all:


AAkasha, not everyone can relocate. Careers play a big part in the consideration. The points you make, while interesting, are not valid for every person. There's always mitigating factors that prevent relocation. Frankly, I advocate local connections far above relocation. Long distance correspondence never substitutes for face to face reality.


Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...


[:D]


Bella



Reflectivesoul -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 6:10:35 PM)

Relocation for me is not an option. Yes visiting might be but as far as uprooting and going, not an option. I have too many family obligations to be able to just leave.
 
What would I add to the list? hmmmmm....
 
If you are the one that will be relocating ALWAYS have a contingency plan....ie keep your apartment for a few months, make sure you have a friend or family that you can bunk with if disaster strikes and you need to get away, make sure to keep your OWN money set aside incase the other two options arent available, so that is you need to leave you can.
 
Dont rush into moving in with someone else, just as any other relationship takes time to get to this stage so does D/s/ M/s ones. Give the "honeymoon" stage time to wear off before making life altering decisions.
 
If you have children, take them into consideration, do they have another parent that is active in thier lives? Do they have grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, that they wont be able to see anylonger? ( because as children it is very important for them to feel like they are a part of something... a big picture....)
 
uhmmmm lemme think for a while I'm sure I'll probably come up with some more lol



cuddleheart50 -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 6:12:02 PM)

My son is still in high school and I cannot relocate until he has graduated.  So, I am stuck here for the time being.



iliv2servher -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 6:12:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

[Snip]

10. Never trust an online partner. Until you meet in person, or even after that, remember they may be married or hiding a number of things.  Some people invest a lot of time in lies.  When possible, talk to their friends or family on the phone during the courting stage. 

Any other tips?
Akasha



Yes, but first let me say that your post was very thoughtful and to the point, as are all of your posts.

I would just like to add one more thing (and this is really directed to females who might be meeting a male who is either dominant or submissive).  Please let friends know where you are at all times.  Make regular "check-in" calls to them.  Don't assume that you know who is lurking out there in the real world, even though you have spoken with a person many times before.

This is not meant to scare anyone from having a face-to-face meeting.  Just be smart and careful!




Littlepita -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 6:18:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

1. If you have chemistry online and on the phone with someone, discuss early on if relocation is feasible.  However, do not take the "no" too seriously unless it's really been broken down; is it a "no" because of convenience/fear, or is it a "no" because of a huge family commitment?


Great advice AAkasha and I really do think that your list is accurate and should be followed. However, I think #1 is the only one I actually did follow. [:D]

quote:

2. Never become monogamous with someone you have never met in person.  No matter how much you feel like you connect with someone online, don't put all your eggs in one basket.  Keep your options open.


Ooops, I did this one big time! Well, I was married when I met him so I don't know if you can say I was monogamous. I did however fall in love with this man on the internet and move out of my home and into my sisters and waited for my divorce to be final. Then, my Dom came, got me, and took me to the home that he had spent a month getting ready for us. We had never met in person and yet we were moving into together in a new state that we both had never been to. Insanity!!
 
Was I crazy? Maybe, but sometimes you just know something is right to the depths of your soul. I did test him a lot in the beginning and if he had ever once given me“red flag” things might have turned out much differently. He didn’t though and we have been very happy living together now for four months. Yeah, yeah it’s still the “honeymoon” phase. Nevertheless, between us we have been alive for over a 100 years so we think we know a thing or two, and the one thing we know is that any great relationship takes dedication, communication, trust and love. We have that and I have a really good feeling that we are going to be the exception to your rules. [:)]





juliaoceania -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 7:14:27 PM)

You put so much time into this list, was it formed for yourself first? Have you moved to be with another? Having another move to be with you? I think much of your list is common sense, but not applicable to everyone.

Some of us have children for example, and we have to factor in their lives too.

Some of us have aging parents that need us.

It is all just so specific to the person. I do not think people should move things at any speed due to age for example. Age has little to do with the speed that I move my life, just my desire to have someone to share it with.



MHOO314 -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 7:29:53 PM)

AAKasha's point though is don't state relocation (A) if you aren't prepared and (B)thinks its a way to get a Domme---its a real issue that we find male subs say, then back pedal, don't put it out there if you don't plan to make it happen should the time come----



LadiesBladewing -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 7:34:28 PM)

Aakasha noted in her post that there may be perfectly valid reasons for one party -not- to be the one to relocate, including family issues.

That being said, there are 2 people (or more) involved in any relationship. Moving might be challenging for us right now, because we're in school and can't relocate until we've completed our doctorates, plus having a teenaged sapling in a very specialized high school for the arts. Moving in 7 or 8 years might be problematic, because we would need to move a house full of people and 2 client-oriented practices, rather than just ourselves. There will be a "golden time" after school and before we settle into our permanent home where we start our practices full-time. During this time, we will be considering where we want to live, and relocation will be not only an option, but an expectation.

On the other hand, right now, we're asking for local individuals who are -not- looking for a life-long partnership, but want to learn and explore in a variety of service-oriented ways. We're welcoming people who would never consider a long-term relationship, perhaps because they're already in one, and perhaps because they have no idea whether living in a D/s relationship long-term or full-time is something they could ever conceive of doing. Some of them may be waiting for "the one", and want to continue to serve while they wait, without worrying about whether they'll be tied to someone "forever". Some -are- looking for a life-long commitment, but are early in their journey, and are hoping we will be not only a safe place to explore, but eventually a welcoming place to call "home". It would be irresponsible, I think, to relocate someone now, when we're in transition ourselves, have chosen to live in a rented property rather than purchase while we're in school, are consumed with work and course-work and other projects, so we're clear about what we're looking for now. That's not to say that if an extraordinary servant came into our lives and we clicked, that we would shuttle him or her off when we finished school -- everyone we work with knows the deal, and the one servant we've found who -is- that extraordinary is preparing herself for the day when her commitments are done as well here (we're on the same basic schedule) and she can relocate with us.

Once we're settled somewhere, we will welcome individuals who might want to relocate, with our usual cautious approach to relocation and assuring that a relocating servant will have what he or she needs if it turns out not to work.

I think the point that Aakasha is making isn't strictly about relocation... it's about being open to possibilities. She wants us to think about whether the things we are limiting ourselves to are truly serving us, or whether, with a little work, we could explore our dreams and make an even better, more fulfilling life for ourselves that embraces all of what we are. I agree with her completely. We're very "today" oriented, even though we make plans for the future. If someone turned up in our lives and was -truly- an exceptional match, we'd consider any number of things to bring the possibilities to the fore so we could explore them and make good decisions. While we plan carefully, we also realize that nothing about our lives is cast in stone.

The opportunity to have someone to cherish comes into our lives out of nowhere, and if we throw it away, it may take a long time for the Universe to find another way to fill that space in our lives -- not that it won't try, but we're asking for a lot -- a human being to click in our lives like a strand of DNA -- not exactly like us, but a fit that creates something greater than any of us individually. so it is important not to back ourselves into a corner that makes it impossible to take advantage of that exceptionally -right- moment.

ZWD



juliaoceania -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 7:39:53 PM)

No.. you misunderstood what I said, I want to relocate possibly, I just have more factors than some do. Having kids is not a deal breaker to the right person.



lisa1978 -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 7:48:56 PM)

I think those were all excellent tips from AAkasha and the others. I would add that make sure on at least one of your extended visits to make a concentrated effort to have in essence an intentionally boring visit. Keep play to a minimum. No vast plans with family members and friends. No seeing the more exciting parts of the new city. Just you and the other person in as normal day to day scenario as possible to see how you get along in normal setting.

Also pay real attention to how the person is on the phone, in person one on one and with other people. Make sure they are consistent in their behavior. Sometimes people have different faces and/or issues and we get so caught up in the excitement we dismiss something as a quirk when it can be sympton of a larger problem.

I relocated eight hundred miles away a year ago. It ended up not working out, but I consider it a postivie expereince and not just from lessons learned. Sure, there are situation that make relocation difficult to immpossible, but besides those, physical location is such a small thing when trying to find the right partner for you. You just have to be smart and sane.





Sirandlittle1 -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 7:52:32 PM)

Ive just relocated WITH my Dom to another state in Australia. But we'd been living together elsewhere for a year prior.

The trials of changing lives, moving thousands of miles from loved one's had been a tremendous pressure for us both to endure and survive. I cant begin to imagine how much more difficult that would be if you added a new partner into the mix? Makes me anxious just thinking of it.

I think Akaysha's post is pertinant.

I would like to add, that there are people who wait for things, and there are people who go out and make things happen. Im in the latter group. But informed choice and careful planning and risk assessment is something i practice within this. It minimalises trauma. Akaysha's list is a damn good one.

As a consequence, ive one of those lives, that people say they envy. The people who say they envy me, are all WAITING for their own personal 'right' time to occur. Which sadly i doubt will ever come.
Ability to relocate is governed by the variables in your life. Family, career, school of children. But then agan, this life is not a dress rehearsal is it!
My children have come with me accross the globe. They have gained so much from the experiences i have provided them with. And a good educational outcome was in the mix. They have obviously missed out on certain things too. There is always give and take. But what they gained, outwayed the bad, in my opinion and theirs. But each to their own.

I would relocate, if i thought it were the right thing to do.  The world is a very small place in 2006.
little one.



feastie -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 8:53:23 PM)

Everyone's situation is individual and unique.  What may work for one, may not work for another.



KnightofMists -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 8:59:36 PM)

First this list is really only applicable to those that wish live in a Close Proximity Relationship at some point in their future.  I don't think it a list that can be applied to those that will have a online only type relationship.

as additional Tip.... Don't express that you Love or Have Deep Feelings until you meet.  You may feel them... they may exist.  But save them to share when you touch.  It's worth it!!!



cloudboy -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/18/2006 9:44:53 PM)


Here's the best post I've seen on relocation.

AAkasha, two questions.

1) Have you ever relocated to someone you met long distance?

2) Who do you personally know who has done so in a BDSM context and made it work?



AAkasha -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/19/2006 12:15:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


Here's the best post I've seen on relocation.

AAkasha, two questions.

1) Have you ever relocated to someone you met long distance?

2) Who do you personally know who has done so in a BDSM context and made it work?


1. I had someone relocate (I married him) that was based on an online relationship, but we also considered me relocating to be with him and I had completed the preparations to do so.   It was a very close call regarding who would move to be with whom, but it worked out this way (at least for the time being; we may relocate to his home city in a few years as a switch).

2. I know many people who have had both successful and failed relationships that were long distance/online. The biggest pitfall is waiting way too long to meet in person or thinking the romance and infatuation online/phone would carry over to real life.

When I set an ultimatum (which is what it was) to meet the man I had an online relationship with for 2 years (the last 3 months were more serious) the intent was to wipe away the infatuation so I could move on to dating men locally. He was a distraction and I knew the infatuation was too good to be true, and there were too many factors to make it an impractical relationship (age difference, different countries, and neither of us wanting to relocate).  The intent was to meet, say "yeah this is nice, we can be friends now..." and move on.

We decided within 48 hours that we would get married and within 3 months were married.  It was a horrible and painful relocation ordeal, complete with immigration nightmare, but one that had to be done because we were not going to be apart.  I did quit my job and halt my career in anticipation of possible relocation out of the country and I did inform my family of my decision.  Very few factors led to it being more practical for him to move here.

Akasha



meatcleaver -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/19/2006 1:51:22 AM)

Triple underline number 10 then give it a much larger font in bold.

It isn't only that people lie, they could be lying to themselves. People play out fantasies online and it is only when they are faced with reality do they way up.

And when people appear to make illogical demands and then rationlise them, dump them.



GddssBella -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/19/2006 6:25:10 AM)

G'morning all:


Actually MH, AAkasha'a post doesn't say that at all, if you read it carefully. She's not discussing winnowing out the wannabe subs but rather outlining a fairly comprehensive list for many to follow if they seek a perfect partner. Her point is to not rule out relocation if you're striving for that ultimate match.

My addition of career was added to amend her list as I had seen the only other possibility of family obligations as a deterrent to relocation already mentioned. Those two subjects are the big deal breakers/makers for many. I stand firm on my viewpoint of local connections though. There's simply too many complications for relocation. The hassles and the headaches are rarely worth the effort.


Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...


[:D]


Bella



cloudboy -> RE: The realities of relocation (6/19/2006 6:43:52 AM)

That is very romantic, and I congratulate you for pulling it off. Needless to say, an international relocation is even more of a big deal.

At one time at a much younger age I was very interested in a Russian girl, but the iron curtain proved too much of a barrier on top of the long distance. After we met, she didn't really think I would return, and when I did, she had entered a marriage of convenience to secure an apartment for herself. So, while living there the second time, I was never able to effectively pursue her.

This all happened in the pre internet days as well, so when we were separated --- we were pretty much severed from one another.



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