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What's better to learn on your own or to have a mentor? - 1/16/2013 6:31:08 AM

TheWriter13

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I am curious is it better to learn on your own or to be trained by someone experienced? I feel like it's better to learn on your own because if you learn from someone your not really coming into your own if that makes sense.

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 6:48:53 AM

TenderTorment

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From: United Kingdom
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I suppose that depends what you want to learn, if its specific skills like rope work for instance then I'd say you can't go wrong with seeking guidance from someone with expertise in that field to get started. If its learning about you and what makes you tick and so on then i'd say that has to come from within.

(in reply to TheWriter13)

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 7:08:05 AM

AllisonWilder

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I would say a bit of both can be good, but I wouldn't say to learn from just one mentor. There are so many skilled people that you could learn many things from many people.

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 8:19:49 AM

SeekingTrinity

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~FRing it~

Im from the little bit of both camp too. You can learn from someone else...both what to do and what NOT to do as far as care of a submissive is concerned. I also second that you can learn how to some of the more "riskier" skills safely if you are learning from someone with a lot of experience in said skill. As with everything, you can take what you learn from others and then tailor it to suit your personal style. I feel that its a very valid way to come into your own. Above all else though, I feel it needs to come from within you as well. You want to learn how to do things safely, but you also dont just want to be a cookie cutter clone of someone else either.

(in reply to AllisonWilder)

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 8:41:20 AM

OsideGirl

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I think both.

A mentor:

1) I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations of D/s BDSM relationships. This gives people a chance to see relationships in action.

2) Some of the BDSM stuff is dangerous, it is best to learn those skills from someone experience because the penalty for failure could be very high.

3) Someone who is experienced in your local community is going to know who the problem children are.

On your own:

1) Every relationship is unique. It allows you to figure out what you like.

2) It allows your own pace.

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 9:15:27 AM

Lynnxz

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C and I learned from someone when it came to

1) the single tail
2) rope bondage and rigging

Everything else we just kind of figured out by ourselves. What I DO see if many 'Doms' insisting that someone needs training before they can be a true sub/slave. They insist that they are the only ones qualified to teach. I'm not sure how often that works out for them, but it seems to me like it would be taking advantage of someone new.

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 9:33:30 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz
What I DO see if many 'Doms' insisting that someone needs training before they can be a true sub/slave. They insist that they are the only ones qualified to teach. I'm not sure how often that works out for them, but it seems to me like it would be taking advantage of someone new.

Here on the boards we pretty much view "training" as a bullshit term.

I'll also add that I think mentors should be on the same side of the kneel and that mentors do not play or have sex with their protegee.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Lynnxz)

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 9:34:41 AM

NakedSenses

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I use both. A number of people have been instrumental in helping me to understand the theory and related issues (e.g. medical) as well as providing me with demonstrations and advice as needed. Yet nothing compares to having a highly experienced submissive partner, whom I love and is also my lover, there to give me the immediate feedback when the whip comes down, and joy of seeing her glowing in my arms afterward. But it is for each of to find our own way, imo, if we are to truly become fulfilled.

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(in reply to Lynnxz)

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 9:49:03 AM

Subano

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I have the same problem, I think, in that I have submissive desires, yet, I have no practical experience.
I 'try' to learn by watching videos - and they just get me aroused - but - what I really need is the pragmatics.
I don't know any other way to get that other than from an experienced Mistress.

(in reply to NakedSenses)

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 10:27:34 AM

Muttling

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Training and mentoring are two very different things in my mind. Many Tops and bottoms are into the training aspect, especially those who are big into protocols (for the OP's benefit, BDSM can be extremely high protocol especially Gorean.) If you enjoy a very strict protocol environment then training is a must and is typically done as part of a kink relationship.

Mentoring in my view is more of a kinky friend with a good bit of experience in the life style who can answer your questions and give tips or suggestions. I know of very few guys who actually mentor, but it's pretty common among the kinky women I know (especially female submissives.)

Mentors are a GREAT thing for anyone getting into the lifestyle and it doesn't take away from it being uniquely you. Instead, it helps you skip the virgin parts of kink where it's akin to 2 virgins having sex in the back seat of a car.

(in reply to Subano)

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 10:55:54 AM

TNDommeK

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I would say both....so long as the mentor knows what he or she is teaching.

< Message edited by TNDommeK -- 1/16/2013 10:56:22 AM >

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 11:49:32 AM

myotherself

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From: The cold bit of the UK
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When I first started out, I knew I was submissive, but that was about it.

So I had a couple of short-term, NSA friendly relationships with Doms who had particular fetishes that I was interested in.

Once I knew what I was, what I liked and disliked and got a better understanding of the sort of partner I needed, then I looked for an LTR.

In addition, I did a huge amount of reading and became involved in the local kink community and made friends that way. I got to see other people 'in action' at parties and clubs, and had a wide range of friends and acquaintances on both sides of the kneel that I could talk to about pretty much anything.

I never felt the urge to go the 'trainer' or 'mentor' route. That was too formal for me - I was exploring my sexuality prior to finding a (hopefully) 'forever' partner, not training for a new job

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 11:53:37 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

I'll also add that I think mentors should be on the same side of the kneel and that mentors do not play or have sex with their protegee.

Ditto.

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 12:44:12 PM

LadyPact

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If by learning on your own you are referring to background research, (books, etc) then I would say both.

Topping skills I would highly suggest learning from somebody else. Usually several other people because many tops have their own specialties or have better skills in some areas and not others. (In other words, the best person to teach you rope suspension may not be the best person to teach you about needle play and the same in reverse.)

High or leather protocol is much easier to learn if you have someone to teach you. Yes, you could research things like fine dining on the net, but if you are going to participate in a leather event like a protocol dinner, there are going to be certain nuances that are going to be different.

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 5:53:25 PM

littlewonder

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If we're talking about bdsm, I've never had a mentor and never understood the reason why you need one. I don't understand the experienced or inexperienced either. For me it just comes down to one thing...compatibility. If I like the person and want to spend more time with him then I don't really care what his experience is. All I care is that I like him for who he is.

For me it's always been easy....submit, obey. What would a mentor teach me about that? He tells me what to do and I do it.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 1/16/2013 5:55:09 PM >

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 6:06:14 PM

saucyangel

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I SO agree with OsideGirl that mentors should be on the same side of the knees and they should not be playing with their mentees. I also agree that training is a bullshit concept that is often abused if it's from Dom to sub.
Having said that, I think a lot of Doms can do with being trained in topping skills and being educated about things like subspace, subdrop and aftercare.

(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 6:32:47 PM

DesFIP

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I don't view a mentor as someone who is going to train you, but as a more knowledgeable friend you can bounce thoughts off of.
Not someone who is so rigid as to believe that you have to mold yourself on them.

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 6:40:23 PM

littlewonder

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So basically.....your friends

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 8:46:53 PM

RemoteUser

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

He tells me what to do and I do it.

*urge to encourage Kana to learn a language that littlewonder doesn't know...rising...*

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RE: What's better to learn on your own or to have a men... - 1/16/2013 10:00:16 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13

I am curious is it better to learn on your own or to be trained by someone experienced? I feel like it's better to learn on your own because if you learn from someone your not really coming into your own if that makes sense.

Trained to do what?

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to TheWriter13)

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