Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (Full Version)

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mistoferin -> Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 9:12:15 AM)

The thread on playing at first meet inspired me to ask.

What lengths have you gone to in the past to make someone feel safer meeting you....or what things has the person you are meeting done to make you feel safer?

I once had a Dominant who I was meeting who asked me to meet him in the parking lot of a police station. When I got there he asked me to come inside with him. He took out his license and asked for mine and presented both of them to the police officer at the desk. He informed him that we were on a first date and that he wanted me to be able to relax and enjoy my evening without worrying if he was an axe murderer or not. He asked the desk officer to please make copies of them both and take down the make, model and license number of his vehicle.

I never asked this of him and I would certainly never ask anyone to go to this extreme...but I must say that it did make for a more relaxed evening and I was just a bit impressed by it.



BitaTruble -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 9:21:53 AM)

Wow, now there's a guy who's really safety conscious! ::chuckles:: I do all first meets at the mall food court or the mall book store in the coffee shop. They are 'usually' at munches, but I will also meet up with someone prior to a munch and Himself goes with me as well. If someone doesn't want to meet in public, they can go meet someone else.

Celeste



sharainks -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 9:27:05 AM)

In a r/l 1st meeting most of what is going to get done is done before.  That is being honest about myself, being honest in answers to questions, and listening carefully when I ask questions and asking plenty of them.  If I get answers that don't jibe with other answers, or at any time something starts giving me red flags I either clarify it to where I understand or, lacking that,  move away from the situation.

All it should require to meet in public is first and last name, home phone or cell phone number.  I don't expect him to pass a security check to go have a cup of coffee.  I'm not comfortable handing out too much personally identifiable info on a first myself.  They don't need my address or where I work.  Again its a matter of watching out for your own hide.  If you meet and its not there or they make you uneasy don't go directly home. 

For me its not a matter of what they do to make me comfortable in meeting.  Its about being comfortable enough to meet to start with.  If I'm not I don't.  I would hope their end works the same.



Chaingang -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 9:31:17 AM)

Just meet in a public place and make sure you aren't followed back to your car or afterward. This presumes a bad meeting, I guess.

If you meet a dedicated nutbag stalker type, they will find a way around every hurdle you set before them.



TxBadMan -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 9:32:14 AM)

Much like Miss Celeste said, if someone can not bring themselves to meet for a cup of coffee in real life, I will not even waste my time on them
I always treat a first meet with a girl much like a date; whether it's just for coffee in the afternoon, or going to dinner at night. Afterwards, she goes home, I go home...and if things went well, we plan for a second meet.

As for special things I might do to make them feel more secure and safe. Like I said, I always treat it just as a date. Very public. I will not however,go to extremes to make a girl feel 'safer'. Insecurity does nothing for me to tell the truth.

Just my way of doing things though. I am well aware that others have certain safety precautions that they follow to the letter; and I applaud them for doing so. It's just not for me.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 9:34:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
What lengths have you gone to in the past to make someone feel safer meeting you....or what things has the person you are meeting done to make you feel safer?

Majority of the time we first meet at a public restaurant, or I tell them where I will be at a club and they can meet me there.  My one requirement is a phone call before we meet- and they are welcome to call me.

Anyone who needs much more from that from me isn't someone I'm going to be interested in, and I don't require anything else from anyone.

quote:

I never asked this of him and I would certainly never ask anyone to go to this extreme...but I must say that it did make for a more relaxed evening and I was just a bit impressed by it.

On the other hand, someone who felt the need to prove so much would have a condescending edge for me.  I trust my judgement enough to meet them, they need to trust ME to trust my own judgement.



lisa1978 -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 9:38:39 AM)

When I met a former owner who I met online and relocated to the first time, I rented my car and had a hotel reservation and met him in a public restaurant. Before I even booked the ticket, I required him to email a copy of his drivers license and a picture of his car with the license plate that he drove. I also set up non negotiable times I was to call in to my safety contact that I negotiated with her so I would not just do the "things are great, no need to do this anymore".





juliaoceania -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 10:47:51 AM)

Mine had me call his information, license number, car license, full name, landline to my mother and my best friend. He told me to call them a few times through out our time together, my best buddy called me like 3 times...lol... she is a sub too so she knew he was a dominant and not a usual date



BreakMeShakeMe -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 10:48:25 AM)

If i'm feeling so uneasy about meeting someone ... I don't meet. I feel it each persons own job to make sure of their own safety.  I make my own precautions. And I expect others to do the same. Now as for the lengths I've gone through personally. I usually ask to meet out doors of coffee spot .....restuarant.... etc.... not even inside. I bring own car so I don't have to be in theirs. I follow in mine to where ever ... if there is a where ever afterwards...lol...movies... club... hotel... upon following them somewhere.. liscence plates are written down... and call made to my safety person. One thing I think of when one offers to send my their private info..copy of their drivers liscence.. it's fake..and i'm in trouble if I go. Guess I safe guard mine to much. And expect others to do the same. 



RavenMuse -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 10:59:25 AM)

I must admit to being more than a little laissez faire in regard to my own safety on occassion, but then a 6' 2" ex-bouncer is taking a lower catagory of risk in most 'first contact' situations than some bonny young lady. I do tend to focus on their safety, ensuring the meeting is in a public place, reminding them to set up safecalls, etc. but other than that I don't go to any great lengths.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 11:08:03 AM)

Well, generally, if they are coming here we give them the name of the munch group we belong to and let them contact the moderator of the group. We also offer to give them our full names, address and all of our phone numbers. We never, under any circumstances, send a copy of our identification to anyone, same with our social security numbers. Hell, I think the only time I've ever seen my husbands drivers license is when he got a new pic taken for it. I've been a victim of ID theft and won't let that happen again.
 
If we are going to meet the person and it's a good distance from here, we get a room and let them know where we'll be. Of course by that time they already have the cell phone numbers, after that it's up to them. I tell them to do what makes them comfy.
 
Jewel



NINASHARP -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 11:23:57 AM)

I also meet in public first and have a safe call or have someone waiting in the same area to watch, but I also ask for and give references that can be checked out before confirming the meeting.

Nina



BreakMeShakeMe -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 11:42:44 AM)

Now before anyone jumps to conclusions here.... let me say.. this is only MY OWN personal thoughts on references.... I  think I can give anyone phone numbers to call and check on references... AFTER... my friends and I get our stories straight on what to tell someone who calls to check on either of us. So I really do not take stock in reference numbers. But that's me personally. 



sabswife -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 11:48:47 AM)

Sab called my home number late at night when W/we were talking on cam -- without any warning, then watched me run for the phone, then He booked His flight not long after.. lol  W/we had each others numbers before that but didn't need to use them due to peer to peer.

W/we talked about things like hotels and stuff, contacts, when the tickets were booked for O/our first meeting, but by the time He landed, W/we just met in the airport and drove to my house.

edited to add that i felt He was so cautious about me that He probably wasn't a serial killer-- i dunno, just by the time W/we did get to meet in person it just wasn't an issue.



Proprietrix -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 11:49:09 AM)


Wow erin. As I was reading that, I expected you to comment that his efforts were a bit excessive and really crossed the line into a bit overboard. Then I read that it impressed you and made you feel relaxed. I just kind of sat here speechless for a second.

I wouldn’t go to that length. For several reasons, including that it’s really none of the police force’s business whom I’m dating, and knowing my luck, they’d happen to have my file of unpaid parking tickets on their desk at that particular moment in time.

I go to a public place. Usually a coffee shop or restaurant. (More likely, it’s someone I’ve gotten to know at munches and play parties.) We usually chit-chat over dinner/lunch and then go our separate ways in our separate vehicles. I don’t tell them my make and model of vehicle, nor do I really care to know what they are driving. I don’t insist on a last name, address, phone number, etc. for that first lunch date.

I guess I kind of see it like this:
We’re both adults who are meeting in a public place. We’re not going to be in any dark alleys together. We’re not going to be in a vehicle alone together. We’re not getting undressed. No one is getting beaten. It’s really no different than a lunch date that I would have with a colleague, or professor, or attorney. It’s simply two people sitting at the same table in a restaurant.
That in and of itself is not dangerous. Starbucks is not an inherently dangerous place to be. The cashiers, hostess, wait-staff, and total strangers sitting around us in Olive Garden are no more or less dangerous people than the one sitting across the table. There isn’t a huge risk of kidnapping/murder/rape taking place on a lunch date. I don’t feel anymore at risk having a lunch date than I would feel at risk going to the grocery store.

Call me unsafe, but I just really don’t get into the whole Patch the Paranoid Pony mentality. I’ve been out in the big bad world for all of my adult life and I know the basic lessons of not taking candy from strangers. I know how to fight back if I’m attacked, scream for help, check the back seat before getting in the car, park in well lit areas, and not hang out in a skimpy outfit on skid row. I generally refrain from going into a strangers' houses and getting naked. I keep an eye on my drink. Most of my friends and family do the "call me when you get there so I know you got home safely" thing. I take that basic common sense with me in most of my endeavors in life. There’s no special precautions that come into play for BDSM.
don’t have a problem if someone meeting me has a safe-call in place. It does seem a bit paranoid to me though. If there’s no need for a safe-call to meet a prospective employee for lunch, why a safe-call to meet any other stranger for lunch?

These people who want my name, address, driver’s license number, place of employment, and a ton of other personal information from me before they feel safe having lunch at a restaurant. I dismiss them rather quickly as overly paranoid and probably too high maintenance and insecure.



diamonddreamlove -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 11:56:21 AM)

Yep references are friends so give me the friends name and number and i will find out the name of another person thro that friend to use as a reference.  But really if i am that concerned then i am not going anywhere with anyone.



NINASHARP -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 12:16:44 PM)

Hello BreakMeShakeMe,

I guess you and dimonddreamlover make a valid point regarding reference checks. Cause you can always have your friends vouch for ya cuz thats what friends would do.  But if I'm meeting a potential sub and he is someone who has served before, I ask who it was with, and then follow up with so and so, and it's unlikely that when  I call or send an mail to the former, that they will lie about the person in question..  I have ran into a situation where the reference I called, didn't know who I was talking about, and it wasn't clear with the one under consideration, that I was going to check him out. So I didn't meet.  Thats what I was meaning about references not from friends, but from former partners.  Guess I should have made that more clear. Yet, your point is a good one!

I was just responding to the OP to what _lengths_ I've gone to in the name of safety. Most people that have a problem with giving a reference isn't going to be meeting me anytime soon. Besides you would want one from an employer or a babysitter, why not in a r/l bdsm situation?

Nina



RavenMuse -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 12:24:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NINASHARP
I ask who it was with, and then follow up with so and so, and it's unlikely that when  I call or send an mail to the former, that they will lie about the person in question..


That works where the person either has nothing to hide OR is too stupid to be much of a threat, however refrences other than from folks you personaly know aren't worth squat. How do YOU know they are what is claimed or are realy just a friend for the person claiming to be an ex-master/Mistress? The most dangerous people are dangerous because they are bright. Never yet seen a successful conman who was actualy thick!

Personaly (Unless I know the person in question) I don't put any store in refrences.



BreakMeShakeMe -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 12:28:26 PM)

NINASHARP...... you make alot of sense too. And I guess I just take meeting one in the lifestyle the same as meeting joe blow down the road. I really do not care about their past relationships... I'm busy carefully wantching the one they're trying to get into now. I know that if I have to listen to how they did this.. did that.. I do not know if it's outta anger... jealousy... etc...So I tend to not wanna dwell into someones past. That's where open .. honest.. discussions come in... and yes.. i'm not denying that ..... that is also where some of the best lies are made up too.

In all honesty... i'm looking forward to the moving forward... not living in the past. There are things needed to know.. and things not needed to know.  So while trying to play things so safe... some may be missing out on something so great... because of insecurities...and others past bullshit games. And I so do understand ....when burned.. you have a tendency to stay away from the flame more... but to not get close enough to get warm again.. .....well lets just say.. i prefer being warm.. not always cold.



MsIncognito -> RE: Lengths gone to in the name of safety? (6/19/2006 12:35:25 PM)

I dunno, erin, I think if someone did that on a first date I'd find it so over the top as to be suspicious. I'd wonder if maybe he had fake ID and was trying to lull me into a false sense of security. I'd probably have told him the whole thing was too weird and gone home right from the police station.

I take what I consider to be reasonable precautions. I let my husband know where I'm going, who I will be with, how to contact me (and he does check in with me throughout the evening) and also if we're leaving the location I said we would be at to go somewhere else. 



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