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good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 11:33:14 AM

oceanwaterfun

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In new relationship with man who says he is/wants to be my DOM ( he is very new, only experience is in the swingers community). How do I assist in his education? He seems very open. Wonderful man, who is curious but I am not sure he is a natural DOm. Time will tell. Now he needs to learn techniques ( whip, electric, bondage, etc) that I have grown to love from my first Dom. Is that being bratty asking him to learn what excites me? I am making effort to intro him to other Doms in community, but now he goes straight to jealousy. I have explained that most” play" is not intimate in the way he thinks of sex. And I know this can be hard to understand as a new person.

Think we are working through it…but this is alot. Vanilla (swinger) to Kinky, Real Power Exchange and BDSM. Any ideas?

Really like/love him..but need help to meet the sexual level I grown addicted to. OMG

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 11:42:05 AM

rhymeswithcupid

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It isn't bratty to be clear about your needs, especially in the beginning of a relationship.

The thing is though, in my experience at least, if a man is serious about a woman, he'll figure his shit out for himself. It shouldn't be your responsibility to "assist in his education" ... So, if you explained to him that you *need* whips, electrical play, bondage, etc then its up to HIM to decide whether or not to educate himself in those techniques. If he asks your advice, point him in the right direction but don't make the mistake of taking the lead. Topping from the bottom doesn't generally lead to a yummy power exchange down the line.

You also expressed an addiction to a certain level of sexuality because thats what your previous dom did with you. Things might go better if you didn't try to compare new dom to old dom. You need to have moved on completely from your past relationship before you try to get into another one. Patience is key in any relationship but you're talking about a new dom who has a lot to learn. Your old dom wasn't born knowing all the things he knew. Even if this guy is a so-called "natural dom", it doesn't mean he's inherently skilled. I was born with a high degree of intelligence but I still had to go to school.

Ask yourself, do you want to be with this man for himself or for his ability to wield a whip? Don't be afraid to be honest with yourself. If it is about a dom's skills with toys and techniques, maybe you need to hold out for someone with more experience. Some of the games we play can be dangerous, even life threatening and pushing a newbie to jump through hoops to satisfy your sexual appetite may not be bratty but its certainly unfair to him and to you. I'm pretty sure someone else will post with a more eloquent (and frankly better) answer but these are my two cents worth.

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 11:43:21 AM

theRose4U

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I would say expect this to become a miserable tug-o-war. Him pushing you to be the popular sought after swinger girl that's, bi, poly, traded & into groups (the swinger male ideal)
While you pull for floggers, violet wands & spankings in private

He either gets it or doesn't!! Someone into wife swapping getting panty twisted because he's not able to provide "kink play" at the level you crave is a warning of issues yet to come. A recent poster went so far as to declare swinging is poly therefore kinky which in turn makes him masterdomlydom-in the highest all subs should flock to (coincidentally for group sex & partner swapping training) which because he said so is all the kink anyone should ever need.

Ummmm yeah

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 11:50:50 AM

FelineFae

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Breathe. Your post reads as though you're all amp'd up on NRE.

For now, try to calm your mind and allow your heart to enjoy what you have for what it is.

For later, you're gonna have to be calm and talk and wait.
You know what you want.
He'll have to fully understand what he's signing up for and judge if he has the ability and desire to travel down the same path.

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 2:19:32 PM

LadyPact

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I'm just a bit unsure of what you are saying when you say that you are introducing him to other Doms in the community, but you are not sure of how to get him learning about topping skills. Are there any demos and play parties in your area? Do you know of any tops that would be willing to show him techniques while he learns and is a part of the process? Would he be willing to get a mentor? Would he have the same kind of jealousy if the person that he was learning from was female?

I agree with the word of caution you received. Don't expect this guy to start at the high end of the topping scale. It's not like he's going to buy a whip today and be ready to use it on you by the weekend. He'd be foolish to buy a violet wand without doing some research on the safe way to use it. The post comes across as you wanting him to learn a variety of skills, which there is nothing wrong with wanting in a partner, but you also have to accept that it's going to take him a while to get to a certain level. It may require some patience on your part. Is he sadistic or is he doing these things to please you?

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 2:29:37 PM

oceanwaterfun

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yes and yes. He wants to please me, however he wants to learn how to please all. And I do worry that he might try to move forward with out the knowledge. Okay patience I can do. Not easy but I can do it. I want him to learn the best methods. I know one can be hurt badly from a Dom who is in-expereinced. He is willing to pay for Domme to show him. This is great I know.

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 2:33:12 PM

oceanwaterfun

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Also Rose For U, I am afraid you might be correct. He loves that I am sensual and intoxicating to many. Therefore he is the proud owner of a seductress. And it is hard for me to understand, since I was never involved in the swinger community.
thank you for your visions.

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 2:43:48 PM

cordeliasub

Posts: 528
Joined: 11/4/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rhymeswithcupid

It isn't bratty to be clear about your needs, especially in the beginning of a relationship.

The thing is though, in my experience at least, if a man is serious about a woman, he'll figure his shit out for himself. It shouldn't be your responsibility to "assist in his education" ... So, if you explained to him that you *need* whips, electrical play, bondage, etc then its up to HIM to decide whether or not to educate himself in those techniques. If he asks your advice, point him in the right direction but don't make the mistake of taking the lead. Topping from the bottom doesn't generally lead to a yummy power exchange down the line.

You also expressed an addiction to a certain level of sexuality because thats what your previous dom did with you. Things might go better if you didn't try to compare new dom to old dom. You need to have moved on completely from your past relationship before you try to get into another one. Patience is key in any relationship but you're talking about a new dom who has a lot to learn. Your old dom wasn't born knowing all the things he knew. Even if this guy is a so-called "natural dom", it doesn't mean he's inherently skilled. I was born with a high degree of intelligence but I still had to go to school.

Ask yourself, do you want to be with this man for himself or for his ability to wield a whip? Don't be afraid to be honest with yourself. If it is about a dom's skills with toys and techniques, maybe you need to hold out for someone with more experience. Some of the games we play can be dangerous, even life threatening and pushing a newbie to jump through hoops to satisfy your sexual appetite may not be bratty but its certainly unfair to him and to you. I'm pretty sure someone else will post with a more eloquent (and frankly better) answer but these are my two cents worth.

^^^ This

My first D/s relationship grew out of an existing relationship. As we got closer we both expressed our long time desire to explore and get in touch with a side of ourselves (Him D and me s). I had already begun reading and talking with a couple of experienced submissives. I wondered what he would do, but I just let him have the reins. He ran with it, reading, talking, trying things, communicating....he took it very seriously. I think if a man really wants to learn this lifestyle (or a woman), they will take responsibility for their learning. I think expressing your needs and then watching to see what he does is a good way to start.

Oops - I just realized that this is ask a MASTER. I'll be glad to delete this if needed.

< Message edited by cordeliasub -- 1/22/2013 2:44:59 PM >

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 2:48:24 PM

oceanwaterfun

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thank you all thoughts are gracefully accepted.

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 3:31:50 PM

DesFIP

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It doesn't sound like you would make a good sub for him. You expect him to be just like your ex, you expect him to conform to your definition of monogamy instead of his own.

I think he would be a great dominant for someone who was willing to submit to him, someone who also didn't believe in playing with others, someone who was willing to wait for him to feel competent doing something before he did it. You don't sound like you're that kind of person.

If you can't submit to what he wants, tell him that you aren't compatible.

There's nothing wrong in wanting a service top. There's a lot wrong in wanting that while claiming to want something else.

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 3:45:03 PM

kalikshama

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It's the dude who comes from the swinger community, not the OP.

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 3:53:16 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

Is that being bratty asking him to learn what excites me?

Not at all.

I, too, love flogging and am with a partner with much less experience but he is doing just find with clothespins and nipple clamps right now.

I need some pain to get off and recognize that I would be badly matched with a man who was not willing to give me any. This doesn't make me a bad submissive but a smart one.

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RE: good man, DOM? - 1/22/2013 8:31:45 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

It's the dude who comes from the swinger community, not the OP.

She also says he doesn't want her to play with others. And if that's important to her, then they aren't a good match.

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Post #: 13