RE: Can someone explain?

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DarkSteven -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 3:48:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub So part of what I am trying to figure out how I could have read him so wrong. So yes part of the it is about figuring out what I missed. The most effective kind of liar is one that has convinced himself that he's telling the truth. He may have lied successfully to himself about what he is and what/who he wants.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 3:49:29 AM)
Thanks for for reply Red but both his and my kink went far beyond just being tied up. And swiftness of the change for him was not what you are describing here, which yes can happen to someone over the years. Thank you again for your reply.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 3:51:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub So part of what I am trying to figure out how I could have read him so wrong. So yes part of the it is about figuring out what I missed. The most effective kind of liar is one that has convinced himself that he's telling the truth. He may have lied successfully to himself about what he is and what/who he wants. Thanks Steven. This is very true. Thinking back about his profile, he listed things that he was heavy into and were real turnons for him as something that he was just curious about like he hadn't already done them many times. I put that down to trying not to scare the s-types away, but it coiuld have been something else entirely. I don't normally do stuff like this, but this has shaken my faith in my ability to read people and if I could be this wrong, then I have no business looking at all until I figure out how I could be this wrong.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 3:56:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder For me leaving the "lifestyle" would be rather easy because for me it's all about a dominant personality man, whether he's into bdsm or even knows about it or not. I don't really need the kinky sex or any of the bdsm trappings. It could be that he found a woman who is a submissive personality or maybe he's just into the kinky sex and she likes kinky sex too but they are not into the whole power exchange thing. Who knows. But I don't see it as all that strange or as one hiding themselves from someone else. I see it as just finding someone in life who you have that chemistry with. Thank you littlewonder for your reply. For me "lifestyle" is not just the kink, but just being Dominant or submissive. He came across as someone who wanted and needed a massive amount of submission and a massive amount of control and in his "vanilla" relationships (from what he said) in the past, he doesn't exert control. He did seem to equate all of his M/s desires into some fairly dark kink, so it might have been more kinky related instead of just personality related than I realized. It seemed to be just part of who he was, something he was naturally. Thank you again for your reply.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 4:04:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lizi I don't think you are whining. Sometimes it takes a bit to wrap our minds around something that doesn't sit well. Maybe he's conflicted about his lifestyle desires and wishes he could survive without them - this new woman might be fueling that ambition. Maybe he's used to being deceitful in his relationships and this new one is just another one with a familiar theme. Maybe he's not that into you and seems to feel more of a connection with the new woman. Maybe she has something else that is desirable to him so that he'd give up BDSM to have it - youth, money, connections, etc. As someone else suggested, maybe it's the Madonna-Whore complex. Honestly it's anyone's guess, the important thing is that you dodged a big bullet here. When he ends up wanting some kink or the new woman finds out he's a liar and kicks him to the curb, please don't answer the phone when he calls you again. The two of you aren't compatible in some way, it's wonderful you found out now and didn't spend years with him only to find out later he let you go then over something else that came up. Take your valuable self and move on down the road to find someone who knows what to do with you [;)] I will add that I am one person that can live without kink if I have the right person in my life. Even though he has said to you that he couldn't stay away from his kink desires, maybe he was telling YOU that in order to get you, and in reality he's not as into kink as he claimed. Thank you Lizi for your reply. What you are saying is true. All of those things could be true. I know that he didn't seem to have a problem with building a relationship with me and also with her simultaneously until I said that it was a issue for me. Not that I was asking him to tell her all about his kink and all that, but rather just asking him to be honest with the other woman that he wasn't exclusive with her. I didn't have a problem with him not being exclusive with me, but then I knew about her. I was concerned about her and him being honest with her. It was after I made that request as a requirement for me to move forward was when he eventually decided to leave the lifestyle. Thank you again for your reply.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 4:07:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub I know that I am whining and normally I wouldn't ask a question like this but I really am confused. Have been talking with a D-type where there was a great deal of chemistry and similarity of both kinks and "regular" life and then out of the blue he says that he is starting to date a vanilla woman and is leaving the lifestyle. He is, of course, not being honest with her about his lifestyle desires. And he has already told me that he has tried this before and it didn't work because after about a year he couldn't stay away from his lifestyle desires anymore. So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie? Thanks in advance, heartfelt You of course assuming what he is telling you is true. Sometimes the lie is hidden and not the obvious one that you see. Knight thank you for your reply. Yes it felt like he was telling me the truth. And because I really believed he was telling me the truth when I can normally tell when someone is lying, it is rather disconcerting to me. Thank you again for your reply.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 4:11:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady I'm not trying to mean, but I think your real question is, "Why would he choose her and not me when I think we had more in common?" The truth is sadly, you might not have had as much common ground as you thought. He could have simply been playing into what he thought you wanted to hear. So really, since you are sure of what YOU want in a partner, you did dodge a bullet. After all, would you want to be with someone who wasn't sure what they were looking for? Thank you for your reply Lafayette. That is probably an underlying question but it is part of the total. Part of it was also if he was playing with me how did I not see it when I usually can tell if someone is full of crap. And yes I do want someone who knows what He wants. Thank you again for your reply.

kalikshama -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 4:19:29 AM)
quote: She is more local than I. I travel a great deal for my business and when I am in town I am local, but I do travel. While his relationship with the vanilla chick is fresh, his priority is readily available sex. Soon, he'll be bummed that there's no kink and reach out to you. Don't take his calls.

KnightofMists -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 5:49:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub Knight thank you for your reply. Yes it felt like he was telling me the truth. And because I really believed he was telling me the truth when I can normally tell when someone is lying, it is rather disconcerting to me. Thank you again for your reply. I just have to wonder what he isn't saying! maybe it's not a lie.... but there is a side to the story that you don't know. It's that piece that makes sense to his actions... but missing it well just causes one to wonder in confusion.

LaTigresse -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 7:20:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven quote: ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat You just dodged a serious bullet, babe. Agreed. He told you one story, and her another. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out which of the two stories was true, if either one was. This, in addition to what KoM is saying. I think a lot of people compartmentalize this stuff. Maybe especially men, I am not sure in that regard. Someone wrote something about the Madonna/whore thing. Which kind of fits in the thought process I'm going. Some people have these hot fantasies but in reality, they can't imagine them being.......real. A few years ago there was a woman from Chicago that contacted me on the other side. Everything was proceeding smoothly. Email, chat, then phone conversations back and forth. All until we actually scheduled a meeting about 2 months into the deal. Come to find out, she was married, had one child and was expecting another. The whole thing was some sort of role playing game she had created in her mind. Never did she imagine it could be actually REAL. She honestly believed that no one really did this shit for real!?!?! She had literally created a alter ego character of herself, same name, face, etc.......but with the BDSM kink (and oh yeah, lesbian...) in her mind. Her idea of how her actual real life should be was so far removed from her fantasies she simply couldn't imagine them existing in her real physical life. Was a crazy eye opening experience for me but I am not so sure that it's that uncommon online.

littlewonder -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 9:28:43 AM)
You said he never took any kind of control in his "vanilla" relationships. That right there for me, personally, says he's not a dominant personality, he's playing the role of a dom which for me equals kinky sex and role playing. So take it for what it's worth. That's my view and how I operate. So I'm going to say that you became enamored by him and only saw what you wanted to see.

Missokyst -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 9:32:00 AM)
ahh.. lol, sounds like you met my x. He also "fell in love" with nilla and opted out of kink, for a while. Now he keeps the nilla at home and uses her as an excuse not to commit to anyone else, all the while playing out his kink on the side. Some guys like that presentation of normal and having a kinky dish on the side. Best to drop that guy and not hold out any hope of being a major part of his life.

LizDeluxe -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 11:05:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie? What makes you think you know what is better for this guy than he does?

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 11:32:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub Knight thank you for your reply. Yes it felt like he was telling me the truth. And because I really believed he was telling me the truth when I can normally tell when someone is lying, it is rather disconcerting to me. Thank you again for your reply. I just have to wonder what he isn't saying! maybe it's not a lie.... but there is a side to the story that you don't know. It's that piece that makes sense to his actions... but missing it well just causes one to wonder in confusion. That could very well be true. Thank you Knight for your response.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 11:34:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven quote: ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat You just dodged a serious bullet, babe. Agreed. He told you one story, and her another. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out which of the two stories was true, if either one was. This, in addition to what KoM is saying. I think a lot of people compartmentalize this stuff. Maybe especially men, I am not sure in that regard. Someone wrote something about the Madonna/whore thing. Which kind of fits in the thought process I'm going. Some people have these hot fantasies but in reality, they can't imagine them being.......real. A few years ago there was a woman from Chicago that contacted me on the other side. Everything was proceeding smoothly. Email, chat, then phone conversations back and forth. All until we actually scheduled a meeting about 2 months into the deal. Come to find out, she was married, had one child and was expecting another. The whole thing was some sort of role playing game she had created in her mind. Never did she imagine it could be actually REAL. She honestly believed that no one really did this shit for real!?!?! She had literally created a alter ego character of herself, same name, face, etc.......but with the BDSM kink (and oh yeah, lesbian...) in her mind. Her idea of how her actual real life should be was so far removed from her fantasies she simply couldn't imagine them existing in her real physical life. Was a crazy eye opening experience for me but I am not so sure that it's that uncommon online. Thank you LaTigresse. Your experience sounds a great deal like mine. It may in fact be a matter of compartmentalizing. Thank you again for your response.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 11:36:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LizDeluxe quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie? What makes you think you know what is better for this guy than he does? I was speaking of experiences of watching other people do that and of trying to do that myself, I have never seen it work. I was not saying I know better than him, just that in my experience and in watching the experiences of others, I have never seen it work.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 11:37:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder You said he never took any kind of control in his "vanilla" relationships. That right there for me, personally, says he's not a dominant personality, he's playing the role of a dom which for me equals kinky sex and role playing. So take it for what it's worth. That's my view and how I operate. So I'm going to say that you became enamored by him and only saw what you wanted to see. Very possibly true. I would have hoped I was wiser than that, but we pesky humans tend to screw up (grinning). Thank you for your reply.

LaTigresse -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 11:42:52 AM)
You are welcome. I think we've all had those wtf moments. Wondering how we misread the person. And yanno, you are just a kinder, more gentle soul than I and care more I do. With online stuff I am pretty....not necessarily heartless, but less emotionally invested I guess. And for this very reason. Early on in my internet wanderings I got burned similar to what you've experienced. It taught me to be a lot less 'give a damn' about the people I interact with online.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 3:50:10 PM)
I am truly sorry that you were hurt by what happened. It is really tough when we think we have hit on something good and it doesn't work out. But my advice to you is don't try to analyze it to death. Chalk it up to experience and move on. That wonderful guy for you is out there somewhere.

Phoenixpower -> RE: Can someone explain? (1/23/2013 4:04:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub I know that I am whining and normally I wouldn't ask a question like this but I really am confused. Have been talking with a D-type where there was a great deal of chemistry and similarity of both kinks and "regular" life and then out of the blue he says that he is starting to date a vanilla woman and is leaving the lifestyle. He is, of course, not being honest with her about his lifestyle desires. And he has already told me that he has tried this before and it didn't work because after about a year he couldn't stay away from his lifestyle desires anymore. So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie? Thanks in advance, heartfelt You of course assuming what he is telling you is true. Sometimes the lie is hidden and not the obvious one that you see. Indeed....he could be fearful now....knowing that he is having to actually meet in person and then disclosing, that he is not the weal twue Dom he likes to pretend to be online.... or has he not been careful and his vanilla girl is already pregnant so he feels he needs to stay... who knows....and I can only advice to take it a la "and who cares" and move on....though I do know, that it is not always easy to just shrug it off....best wishes, though...

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