Completely lost

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jezmw -> Completely lost (1/29/2013 11:11:57 PM)
Hello. I am a new submissive (literally, but always figuratively). I met and became completely loyal to a wonderful man who used and played with me in ways that I have always dreamed. He promised to teach me the Dom/sub lifestyle, and held true to his word. Until tonight. Through a text, he cut all ties. I am devistated. I don't know what to do with myself. I was sure that this man was a caring Master who would help to guide me on my new journey and now I am left feeling completely in the dark. I feel like a child abandoned. I am confused. I cannot stop crying. So many new things were opened to me and now they have been completely cut off. Can anyone help? Any advice will be helpful.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 12:07:20 AM)
I assume you had met this person face to face? In any case, getting over a relationship that you thought was going fine is difficult. BDSM relationships are no more or less difficult that vanilla relationships that end. Take some time to grieve the loss, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. Nothing else you can do really. Someone breaking up with you via text message is shitty.

myotherself -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 12:40:47 AM)
Breaking up with someone is rarely easy, especially when they take the coward's way out and finish it by text. This person you were with is not a Master, caring or otherwise, if he cannot take the responsibility of ending a relationship in an adult manner. You are not a child yourself - you are 37 years old (according to your profile). Treat this like any other relationship that has gone south. Cry, grieve a little, pull up those big girl pants and move on. When you consider your next partner, take it slower. Get to know the man before you submit to him. You need to prove to each other that you are what your profile says you are, and that takes time to figure out. He needs to know you're the right fit for him, and you need to know that he's really what you want or need. I kissed a hell of a lot of frogs before I found Master. Most of the heartache I had was caused by me rushing in and assuming a D/s relationship before we'd even decided we were compatible on a day to day level. With Master, we chatted online for a while, getting to know each other non-sexually. We had a lot of interests in common and we had a similar sense of humour. We met in real time, and dated. We went out to dinner, went to the cinema, went for walks - all of it as equals. After a few months of dating, we decided it was time to move to D/s. By the time we got to this point I knew all about his family, I knew where he worked, I knew about his life before he met me, and we'd talked about our hopes for the future (together, or apart, depending on how we worked out). Without the 'getting to know you' phase, we would not be where we are now - nearly 3 years on and planning on moving in together. Slapping a label on yourself on a kinky website does not make the relationship stuff any easier or any quicker. You need to learn about the man before you can even consider calling him Master.

seekingreality -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 12:47:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jezmw Hello. I am a new submissive (literally, but always figuratively). I met and became completely loyal to a wonderful man who used and played with me in ways that I have always dreamed. He promised to teach me the Dom/sub lifestyle, and held true to his word. Until tonight. Through a text, he cut all ties. I am devistated. I don't know what to do with myself. I was sure that this man was a caring Master who would help to guide me on my new journey and now I am left feeling completely in the dark. I feel like a child abandoned. I am confused. I cannot stop crying. So many new things were opened to me and now they have been completely cut off. Can anyone help? Any advice will be helpful. Breaking up with you via a text was cowardly. But as others have said, this is no different than a vanilla breakup. You grieve and then move on.

thishereboi -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 4:46:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: myotherself Breaking up with someone is rarely easy, especially when they take the coward's way out and finish it by text. This person you were with is not a Master, caring or otherwise, if he cannot take the responsibility of ending a relationship in an adult manner. You are not a child yourself - you are 37 years old (according to your profile). Treat this like any other relationship that has gone south. Cry, grieve a little, pull up those big girl pants and move on. When you consider your next partner, take it slower. Get to know the man before you submit to him. You need to prove to each other that you are what your profile says you are, and that takes time to figure out. He needs to know you're the right fit for him, and you need to know that he's really what you want or need. I kissed a hell of a lot of frogs before I found Master. Most of the heartache I had was caused by me rushing in and assuming a D/s relationship before we'd even decided we were compatible on a day to day level. With Master, we chatted online for a while, getting to know each other non-sexually. We had a lot of interests in common and we had a similar sense of humour. We met in real time, and dated. We went out to dinner, went to the cinema, went for walks - all of it as equals. After a few months of dating, we decided it was time to move to D/s. By the time we got to this point I knew all about his family, I knew where he worked, I knew about his life before he met me, and we'd talked about our hopes for the future (together, or apart, depending on how we worked out). Without the 'getting to know you' phase, we would not be where we are now - nearly 3 years on and planning on moving in together. Slapping a label on yourself on a kinky website does not make the relationship stuff any easier or any quicker. You need to learn about the man before you can even consider calling him Master. [sm=agree.gif] and would like to add. if you keep your profile text the way it is now, you will be flooded with those who see you as easy prey to a quick blowjob.

DarkSteven -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 5:53:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thishereboi and would like to add. if you keep your profile text the way it is now, you will be flooded with those who see you as easy prey to a quick blowjob. Lemme explain what she just said, by commenting on your profile. I am new to the scene. Just beginning to explore this part of myself. I don't have any experience at detecting horndogs and being manipulated. Thought I had found a knowledgable, sophisticated Master to help me. But was recently told that it wouldn't be so...through a text. So much for sophisticated Doms. I have been fooled once. He said he knew what he was doing and had lots of experience, and I believed him. I am lost. I am confused. Very confused. Looking for advice and guidance. Any of the aforementioned is welcomed. If anyone says they're a Dom, I'll blindly do what they say. Try something like: "Hi there! I'm 37, looking for men (sorry ladies!) in the age range of 35-57. No married men. I'm looking for a relationship, not just a fling. I've got a job, a car, and no children living at home. Write and tell me something about yourself."

kalikshama -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 6:02:25 AM)
[sm=applause.gif]

jezmw -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 7:09:49 AM)
I appreciate all of the advice everyone. I would like to explain that I did not fly into this relationship on a whim. We did take our time and got to know each other for several weeks before we began any training. Meeting for coffee, window shopping, hours and hours of phone calls, etc. He was emphatic about building trust and I appreciated the patience he had and time we spent together. But I think that all of that trust building is what has made this all so difficult. I opened parts of myself to him that I have never shown to any other person before. It IS different than a vanilla break-up. There is a level of vunerability that comes from such deep communication between two people. I also appreciate the concern that a number of you have regarding my profile. However, I am not in the market, nor will I be for quite some time, for another Dom. I am strictly here for the advice that others, more experienced than myself, can offer. My profile will not be up for very long.

myotherself -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 7:56:28 AM)
I think you are wise to take time out to care for yourself, but don't think that one bad Dom makes the whole of Domdom (see what I did there?!) a terrible thing. You met an asshole. I've done it too, and it hurts. Hopefully you will do what I did - rethink what you did, spot the errors and maybe the missed red flags and make sure you don't do it again. Time is your friend. Not just time to heal, but in your next relationship take more time to get acquainted properly before the D/s begins. A few weeks is fine for some. For others, a few months might be more appropriate. The D/s part of the relationship can only start when BOTH are totally comfortable with the situation. Which means that if YOU are not ready, then nothing happens. Several times during the early months with Master I was convinced he was going to leave because he wasn't getting his D/s kick...or anything else for that matter [8D] But he stayed with me because he's a good man and he wanted ME, not just a warm body to order around and do despicable things to. I hope you find the same [:)]

Nelee -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 8:11:40 AM)
Very sorry about what happened, dear. I've been there, as well. It hurts, but it taught me to be a better sub and not to give the gift of my submission to just anyone, even if I think we have good chemistry right off the bat. I'd hate to say "Don't ever trust a random guy ever again!", but you've got to realize that as a submissive female, there are MANY men that will prey on you. They'll manipulate you and when they get what they want, they'll bounce. It sounds like you knew this person for a while, so what I'm saying may not apply to your situation, but be mindful of the men you allow into your heart. Don't submit to someone unless they prove themselves to be the dominant that can care for you and understand how a real d/s relationship works. And that usually takes a bit of time. I don't know, but anyone who breaks up (or even insinuates a break up) over text message probably isn't mature enough for a vanilla relationship, much less a d/s relationship. [:@] Again, I'm so sorry about your circumstance.

Alwaysmylove -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 8:26:44 AM)
Sometimes, even those with experience get taken in. Don't be so hard on yourself. Let yourself feel the pain, the anger, as it's justified. While there are two sides to every story, he treated you badly with how he ended things. Also, since this is the first time you have experienced the emotions that can be part of this lifestyle, you were likely more vulnerable than you have been in the past. So, this hurts more (or seems to) than the usual break up. Which is exactly why you feel like an abandoned child. When the person you trusted for strength and intimacy, the person you gave power over you, just ups and disappears? It can feel like the universe is off kilter. Take some time, do a lot of soul searching, and move on wiser and better for it. You can grow from this experience and, if you handle it in a healthy way, you will.

OsideGirl -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 8:58:45 AM)
How long were you seeing this man?

thishereboi -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 10:05:00 AM)
Thanks, I was in a time crunch and couldn't get into details.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 10:38:37 AM)
Fast reply In some ways it feels different than a 'regular' break up, because you tried new things and probably shared aspects of your personality you wouldn't normally. In addition to this, if you've been fantasizing about it for years, and this was the first person to try it out with you, it's natural that you might have poured a lot of your desires and longings into this relationship. This might have given you higher expectations than you might have at the same stage in a vanilla relationship. Along with that, there might be some feelings of betrayal, since you 'gave' him more of yourself and he didn't value that, or maybe even feelings of embarrassment about what you did/talked about together . So it's normal that this might feel worse than previous break ups. It's sort of the same as when a young woman gets hung up on the guy she lost her virginity to. But the others are right in saying it is basically the same as any break up. You feel sorry for yourself, you eat ice cream/go out partying/call him nasty names to your girlfriends/cry or whatever else makes you feel better. Then you think about whether there is anything you can learn from it and you try again. No doors have been closed to you. The whole big world of BDSM is still out there. Most everyone gets burned at some point. Maybe you will look back and decide that you should have made different choices. Maybe there's no way you could have seen this coming. Nothing has been cut off - just that this guy isn't the one who's going to share them with you. Just like the first guy who broke your heart didn't mean you were cut off from the world of romantic relationships. I'm sorry you had a bad experience. As far as feeling confused and lost, stick around, ask questions, join in some discussions. It won't un-break your heart, but while you're healing you might learn some things and get a clearer idea of what you want to try.

EsotericLady -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 11:32:38 AM)
What a lovely reply to the OP! : ) quote: ORIGINAL: Alwaysmylove Sometimes, even those with experience get taken in. Don't be so hard on yourself. Let yourself feel the pain, the anger, as it's justified. While there are two sides to every story, he treated you badly with how he ended things. Also, since this is the first time you have experienced the emotions that can be part of this lifestyle, you were likely more vulnerable than you have been in the past. So, this hurts more (or seems to) than the usual break up. Which is exactly why you feel like an abandoned child. When the person you trusted for strength and intimacy, the person you gave power over you, just ups and disappears? It can feel like the universe is off kilter. Take some time, do a lot of soul searching, and move on wiser and better for it. You can grow from this experience and, if you handle it in a healthy way, you will.

LadyPact -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 12:56:00 PM)
OP, did you ever happen to visit this guy's house? I don't know why but something about this thread just screams "MARRIED" in My head. Always remember that not everybody works 9-5 Mon - Fri.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 1:24:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders No doors have been closed to you. The whole big world of BDSM is still out there. The OP is exactly the demographic to believe everything has ended. Divorced first-time sub in her late 30s with her first master. This is the group that engages in the most frenzied of sub frenzy. The high-school-age sounding posts by sub women on these boards by sub women who just did something foolish because of a man -- 99% of time, those posts are by women within 10 years of 45. What happens is a woman who believes she is "past it" finds a man who awakens dark desires within her, and accepts her, even values her more for them. She believes that he knows her better than anyone else in her life, and is attracted to her personality more truly than anyone else in her life. So she falls hard hard hard. Then, for whatever reason, they are incompatible, and the relationship ends, and she believes she has literally lost the last master on the face of the earth. Who else would be attracted to someone physically over the hill who is so worthless the best man she ever met in her life has just cast her aside? Very common pattern. To the OP: AthenaSurrenders is correct here. There's a wide world of kink, with roughly a gazillion men in it. We might think you are special, but we probably think your desires are pretty common. Next time you fall for a man, do so because of the reasons you would choose a vanilla boyfriend, not because he trips your subby triggers.

Moonlightmaddnes -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 2:11:28 PM)
I am sorry he did that to you. It is bad enough to break it off suddenly but even worse to do it by text. I would be lost too.

absolutchocolat -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 2:20:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jezmw But I think that all of that trust building is what has made this all so difficult. I opened parts of myself to him that I have never shown to any other person before. It IS different than a vanilla break-up. There is a level of vunerability that comes from such deep communication between two people. I'm with LP, I suspect he may have been a married guy... We all have been there. You came to the right place for comfort and advice. Anyway, I won't repeat what others have said, but I will say this. Let it hurt for a while. Regain some confidence and know that there are other men in this lifestyle who can and will treat you with dignity and respect. Break-ups via text are pretty high school, but honestly, you may have dodged a bullet. You will love again, you will smile again, and things will be okay. Good luck to you.

jezmw -> RE: Completely lost (1/30/2013 3:13:06 PM)
Again, all of you, thank you so much for your kind words. You all have been very understanding and encouraging and I appreciate it greatly. It is nice to know there is such a great place to come for advice from such kind people.

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