RE: From one extreme to not really another...?

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subsfaith -> RE: From one extreme to not really another...? (2/8/2013 12:01:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady There are some things it will work for, and some things it simply won't. You are completely correct... trying to tell yourself you aren't gay, isn't going to work... which is why it was silly to use it as an example in this context. Sexuality is a hardwired thing... you either are gay or you aren't. (Excuse me not bringing in bisexuality, which, lets face it, these days is more of a fashion statement than a sexuality!) BDSM is very different to sexuality. While there are the traits of dominance and submissiveness, and everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum, that isn't BDSM, those are personality traits. There are plenty of people who are at the extremes of that spectrum who do not practice BDSM. BDSM is more a nature and nurture thing, there is a swing to one of the ends of the D and s traits, along with exposure to a type of power play (or S&M, or kink, or whatever) and BINGO! And you have BDSM... (or not - some may well think it is disgusting and walk away). littlewonder is also correct that not everyone change their minds in this way. Why? For a whole host of reasons, the most popular (I believe) is self sabotage. Essentially they don't want to change, so any positive steps towards that goal are blocked and viewed negatively. Having said all that, I unequivocally know that you can change your mind about this particular subject, craving a beating. How do I know? Quite simply because I have done it. I'm a pain slut, or at least I was. Several years ago I found myself craving a beating. Sadly my Dom was sick. His illness is lifelong, he will never be cured, and it became clear that there may well be prolonged periods of time where he is physically unable to hurt me to any great degree. So I changed how I viewed a beating. I told myself I didn't need it, I didn't want it and now I no longer crave it. It was a long process, hard work, and caused lots of heartache until I got it right... Call it ridiculous if you wish LafayetteLady, and I will tell you that your statement says more about you than it does my theory.

kalikshama -> RE: From one extreme to not really another...? (2/8/2013 12:20:43 PM)
I may not engage in BDSM for prolonged periods of time, but I will never be satisfied by vanilla sex. I'm just wired to be aroused by pain and dominance. Perhaps there's a Louise Hay affirmation that will change that? [8\|]

kalikshama -> RE: From one extreme to not really another...? (2/8/2013 12:27:45 PM)
quote: Rather, I have these cravings and I don't like to scene, if you'll appreciate my meaning. I want the harshness and brutality to be beyond my control and as real as it gets. I've even shown Him the videos I've started watching to get my kink fill. I just don't seem to be getting through. He isn't one to miss a hint, very bright, so I can't help but think it may not be His cup of tea. I have no idea what you're talking about so maybe he doesn't either. When you showed him the videos, how did you frame it? Did you say, "Honey, how would you feel about getting a babysitter and doing this next Saturday?"

kalikshama -> RE: From one extreme to not really another...? (2/8/2013 12:33:18 PM)
quote: I get a craving once in awhile for something but I just tell Master and he decides what to do. Perhaps it would be helpful to the OP if you gave a specific example, including exactly how you worded it.

LafayetteLady -> RE: From one extreme to not really another...? (2/8/2013 12:35:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subsfaith quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady There are some things it will work for, and some things it simply won't. You are completely correct... trying to tell yourself you aren't gay, isn't going to work... which is why it was silly to use it as an example in this context. Sexuality is a hardwired thing... you either are gay or you aren't. (Excuse me not bringing in bisexuality, which, lets face it, these days is more of a fashion statement than a sexuality!) BDSM is very different to sexuality. While there are the traits of dominance and submissiveness, and everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum, that isn't BDSM, those are personality traits. There are plenty of people who are at the extremes of that spectrum who do not practice BDSM. BDSM is more a nature and nurture thing, there is a swing to one of the ends of the D and s traits, along with exposure to a type of power play (or S&M, or kink, or whatever) and BINGO! And you have BDSM... (or not - some may well think it is disgusting and walk away). littlewonder is also correct that not everyone change their minds in this way. Why? For a whole host of reasons, the most popular (I believe) is self sabotage. Essentially they don't want to change, so any positive steps towards that goal are blocked and viewed negatively. Having said all that, I unequivocally know that you can change your mind about this particular subject, craving a beating. How do I know? Quite simply because I have done it. I'm a pain slut, or at least I was. Several years ago I found myself craving a beating. Sadly my Dom was sick. His illness is lifelong, he will never be cured, and it became clear that there may well be prolonged periods of time where he is physically unable to hurt me to any great degree. So I changed how I viewed a beating. I told myself I didn't need it, I didn't want it and now I no longer crave it. It was a long process, hard work, and caused lots of heartache until I got it right... Call it ridiculous if you wish LafayetteLady, and I will tell you that your statement says more about you than it does my theory. I never said someone couldn't do that in this context. However, the primary thing has to be to want it. Obviously, your partner is the most important thing to you, so you had (and have) the desire to adjust to your situation. With the OP, I seriously question whether that desire actually exists. When someone comes here questioning how to get someone to want to engage in something, and expresses that they are wondering if things can work out without that activity, they are also questioning their relationship, in my opinion. I'm willing to bet that when you found yourself in the position you did (and I hope your partner is doing well), your first question wasn't about what you would do without the activity, but rather how would you adjust? Do you see the difference? It's all a matter of what your primary need/desire is...life with your partner, or the activity that you desire. If you really need that activity, it is a disservice to both parties to continue the relationship without making it open so you can get what you want (and I don't think that is an option here). So think what you care to about me, it really doesn't matter. I stick to my statement that in this case, for this person, I don't think she has the drive or the desire to give up completely on the activity she seeks, and therefore, no tactics will change that. The activity is more important than the relationship with her partner.

littlewonder -> RE: From one extreme to not really another...? (2/8/2013 12:41:26 PM)
quote: When someone comes here questioning how to get someone to want to engage in something, and expresses that they are wondering if things can work out without that activity, they are also questioning their relationship, in my opinion. This is my first thought also when I see such posts. Otherwise, they really would have no reason to post it at all. You would talk to your partner. You both would work it out.

subsfaith -> RE: From one extreme to not really another...? (2/8/2013 3:11:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady I never said someone couldn't do that in this context. Actually you did say just that, and more besides, but let us not dwell on it. quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady However, the primary thing has to be to want it. Obviously, your partner is the most important thing to you, so you had (and have) the desire to adjust to your situation. With the OP, I seriously question whether that desire actually exists. It is a good question... the op came here looking for advice that might help her find solutions, thus action alone expresses that she has that desire. Whether she has enough, only she will be able to answer that question, it seems to me, further down the road. quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady I'm willing to bet that when you found yourself in the position you did (and I hope your partner is doing well), your first question wasn't about what you would do without the activity, but rather how would you adjust? Do you see the difference? You lost your bet, sorry... my first reaction was OMG how do I change this situation? I bratted out, stamped my feet, and did all sort to try and influence him to beat me. I was horrible, and it was futile, he just didn't have the resources... then I went through many processes, questioning our compatibility, speaking about it to friends, and eventually a grieving process, which stopped when I kicked myself up the arse and decided stop feeling sorry for myself and to deal with our problems positively. Yes I see the difference between the question, but the order of them is largely unimportant when they all need answering. quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady It's all a matter of what your primary need/desire is...life with your partner, or the activity that you desire. The op will do well to ask herself this question, what is her primary need... and I believe she already has since she is here exploring her options. And she will probably continue to ask this question until she finds a resolution, and long after. quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady So think what you care to about me, it really doesn't matter. I stick to my statement that in this case, for this person, I don't think she has the drive or the desire to give up completely on the activity she seeks, and therefore, no tactics will change that. The activity is more important than the relationship with her partner. I think nothing of you, I don't know you LafayetteLady. I don't mean that in a dismissive manner, I am stating the truth. I gave my answer, you gave yours... I wasn't judging you, but I will question what you write, just like all other posters to this thread. I read them, and I ask myself do I think they are right? Just like you questioned my words and commented "Ridiculous".... Is there something wrong when I do that, but not when you do that? Regarding the OP... she came here specifically looking for solutions and all you have given, LafayetteLady, is your opinion. Whilst this is the place that we invite opinions, I cannot criticize you for that, but you move on to ridicule a suggestion I make.... still not actually offering help, how about it huh? How about you suggest something that will help the OP? Something practical that she can try? Finally thank you for wishing my partner well, that is nice of you. We all have our challenges in life, this is his (and mine by proxy). He isn't the kind that lets anything stop him living to the max (some days his max is making it to the sofa - and he gets there dagnamit!) Illness is a good lesson to have in life, forver teaching us something new and he has the ability to look at it more positively than anyone else I have ever met. Inspirational :D

Kana -> RE: From one extreme to not really another...? (2/15/2013 4:29:55 PM)
quote: Rather, I have these cravings and I don't like to scene, if you'll appreciate my meaning. I want the harshness and brutality to be beyond my control and as real as it gets. Chortles. I'd be glad to help you out with these issues! :-)

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