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RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/14/2013 11:08:31 PM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

Being outed would have almost no effect on me. My wife's side of the family (especially my step children) already know we're kinky, they just don't know any details. We don't advertise or make an issue of it, just like vanilla parents don't come out of the bedroom bragging to their kids that they just had sex. On my side of the family it would be great fodder for gossip, but I got over caring about the gossip long ago and have homosexual relatives who have been through that when they were outed. It's just not worth caring about.

Work would be a non-issue with my current employer, at previous employers it would have cost me my job and they are sophisticated enough that there would be no ground for a wrongful dismissal lawsuit. Work at will states were mentioned above and Tennessee is one. An employer can dismiss you at any time without giving any reason. The only time reason becomes an issue is if they want to attempt to deny you unemployment after your dismissal in which case they have to be able to show cause for your dismissal. Suits for wrongful dismissal are extremely rare and winning such a suit is even more rare in work at will states.

(in reply to Winterapple)

Post #: 41

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/14/2013 11:23:03 PM

graceadieu

Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline

That's pretty terrible. I'm glad I'm not from the kind of place where reporters from a newspaper would investigate what someone that wasn't a politician does in their bedroom.

If we were outed? I think our business might suffer, because some people really are uptight and might gossip and say we're a bad influence. But most people that know me know that I have a submissive personality, and plenty of our friends and some family members know we're a bit kinky.

(in reply to Bittersweetcoco)

Post #: 42

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/15/2013 12:37:53 AM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

So in some ways you are outing yourself once again by posting this?

(in reply to Bittersweetcoco)

Post #: 43

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/15/2013 12:54:29 AM

Bittersweetcoco

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/14/2013
Status: offline

Yes, in some ways I am. Hopefully this may help someone else avoid going through even a small part of what I went through.

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 44

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/15/2013 1:07:50 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

Nothing would happen, im already out.

_____________________________

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(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 45

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/15/2013 2:27:58 AM

Just0Plain0Mike

Posts: 127
Joined: 6/16/2010
Status: offline

We've been out as both poly and kinky for years. At first my family was pretty reserved towards the newest member of our family, but when my wife became sick and they saw how much effort she put forth to help, that all changed.

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Post #: 46

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/15/2013 4:32:51 AM

EligibleOwner

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/16/2009
From: London
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
I'm sure a vindictive person could have contacted my employer (though they would have had a hard time firing me, since I'm squeaky-clean from a legal/job-requirement perspective, and they'd never have proved it since it's not like there are pornographic photos of me on the web.

I wonder if it might not have been worse than that, Athena. I think that type of work is where "safeguarding" is taken most seriously. Which is fine, as long as it's kept within rational limits. But I'm not sure it is, and I worry that an employer might well successfully dismiss someone from work in the domestic violence field based on reasonable grounds for thinking they were into BDSM in private life, without much evidence at all.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 47

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/15/2013 4:44:47 AM

absolutchocolat

Posts: 1392
Status: offline

I'm pretty out. I used to have a huge fear of being discovered by someone I know, but honestly? Fuck 'em. I'm open and honest about my kinks, and my parents didn't raise a closet freak.

I have never had the luxury of anonymity. I've been an activist for almost 11 years in the Bay Area, and am very much a sex positive person. I sat on the boards of several such groups at my school, so it's more like hiding in plain sight for me. The only thing I fear is having some naughty films I did with a good friend (who isn't bat-shit crazy, thank goodness) leaked onto the internet, and even then, I'm hoping I blow up like Kim Kardashian.

Seriously, though. You may want to contact the ACLU for a list of pro bono litigators that may be able to help with your case. I think it's sick that someone would be so cruel as to get you fired and publicly humiliated. I don't typically wish ill on anyone else, but karma is a bitch.

< Message edited by absolutchocolat -- 2/15/2013 4:47:46 AM >

(in reply to Bittersweetcoco)

Post #: 48

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/15/2013 4:51:47 AM

EligibleOwner

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/16/2009
From: London
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
In all cases posted it was done by someone that they had met in real life. Not posting a picture is not a guarantee that someone you meet won't decide to "get even". There are other methods to provide evidence that it's you without a photo.

You're right, obviously, on both counts. It'd be possible for someone who knew us to photograph any of us and set up a profile here in order to out us. In fact, I sometimes wonder whether some profiles aren't vindictive inventions (especially some supposedly of women, with a number of face photos, that read as though written by vengeful men). It's hard to know how you can protect yourself from that.

But it's also worth remembering I think that most employers or decision-makers in this type of situation see it very, very simply (in my experience, anyway, of being involved in discussions about what X or Y worker is accused of having done).

I've taken part in discussions about whether IP addresses show that X sent a certain message, for instance (in a recent instance I have in mind, this was a person "outed" as something non-BDSM, showing how the "smoking gun" message was a malicious fabrication). In spite of advice from techies, the non-tech decision-makers just became confused and uncertain. Probably wrongly. But where an e-mail or message appears to come from a certain person, or contains a photo, the tendency is towards naive belief in the accusation, even if the person denies it and explains how it might have been faked. At least, there can be a "residual suspicion" that can harm someone. Basically, what it seems to be on the surface, because of photos and real names, has in my experience ultimately the decisive point - even if it was clear that might well not have reflected reality.

So I agree with you - but I still think obvious surface safety measures, like keeping your photo, real name and so on separate from a site like this are well worth taking.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 49

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/15/2013 4:52:46 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EligibleOwner

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
I'm sure a vindictive person could have contacted my employer (though they would have had a hard time firing me, since I'm squeaky-clean from a legal/job-requirement perspective, and they'd never have proved it since it's not like there are pornographic photos of me on the web.

I wonder if it might not have been worse than that, Athena. I think that type of work is where "safeguarding" is taken most seriously. Which is fine, as long as it's kept within rational limits. But I'm not sure it is, and I worry that an employer might well successfully dismiss someone from work in the domestic violence field based on reasonable grounds for thinking they were into BDSM in private life, without much evidence at all.

Perhaps, I am not in that field now so I will never find out.

The thing is, if someone contacted my employer and said 'Athena is into x, y and z', it would be more likely to be treated as a malicious allegation (since harassment and stalking were taken very seriously, and I am my coworkers have all been targets of various things along similar lines). There's no photos out there of me getting up to anything. There would be no concrete proof that I was doing anything of the sort. Unlike the OP I was pretty well protected by my employment rights and I don't think 'rumour has it you're into kinky sex' would allow them to fire me.

And again, other than someone trying to stir up problems for me (which, incidentally they could do regardless of whether or not I really am kinky) I don't imagine anyone would care. You can buy fuzzy handcuffs and whips at poundland. I met my boss' boss on the way out of Ann Summer's with a large pink carrier bag.

Now if it were to affect my client interactions then absolutely I should and would be disciplined, but I don't see that happening. I never had injuries visible outside my clothing or wore a collar to work.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to EligibleOwner)

Post #: 50

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/15/2013 8:09:15 AM

Moonlightmaddnes

Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline

For me, nothing. I am at home and answer to no one but my husband. Oh rumors may fly a bit but my friends already know anyways and I do not care what anyone else would say.

My husband does not do anything online other then facebook due to possible consequences. Even with facebook he is careful since he has seen a co worker pulled into the bosses office and warned about facebook content. He has been at his job for a long time plus he serves on the city council as well as works with the water department. We are not 24/7 or anything so there are no worries of someone coming by our home on city business and seeing anything besides the mess from having children who have not picked up their toys and art projects yet.

My mother did find stuff in our bedroom and I laughed at the look on her face when she held it up and asked what the hell this was for then quickly said nevermind it is probably best I don't know. She pretty much knows so I have fun dropping comments and seeing her look at me like I am nuts, or when she sees a mark she will say what did you do and I grin at her she suddenly gets it and says oh yeah that whole he hits you lovingly thing.

_____________________________

Submission is a gift that must be earned. It can be given, but never taken

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 51

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/15/2013 6:23:15 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bittersweetcoco

I created this profile just to tell my story. My age and location are not real. The story you are about to read is true.

What would really happen in your life if you were outed? Do you know? Are you sure? Several years ago I was a member on CM. I was very active on the message board and very active in the real life scene. I was happy, it was fulfilling, I had lifestyle friends, D/s partners and what was going on in my private life was my business. Even if someone found out, what could really happen? I was not hurting anyone and it had absolutely nothing to do with my job or my vanilla life. I was sure I was safe. Then I was outed.

One morning a friend of mine called and told me that a reporter from the newspaper had been calling around asking questions in reference to a profile/personal ad/journal that was seen on a website called Collarme. He was showing pictures from the site and was asking friends, co-workers, and colleagues discreetly if they could positively verify it was me in the pics. (My face was obscured in all of the shots.) I immediately took down my profile. But it was too late, the damage had been done. The newspapers started calling me. Constantly. I would not take the calls. Then my job called me and said that the “higher ups” wanted a meeting with me. I went in and they actually had pages of information that they had copied from my CM profile. They proceeded to tell me that some “anonymous allegations” had been made that I was engaged in a deviant lifestyle and that this person on the website was actually me. Then I was told that even though they could not see my face they were going with the assumption that it WAS me. And unless I could prove to their satisfaction that it was NOT me, I would be terminated. I was reminded that I lived in an “employment at will” state and that they did not need a reason to fire me. Bottom line. I was fired. I had to out myself to my family and inform them not only of my job termination but also that there would probably be a story on me in the local newspaper. I made the front page headline. Complete with my profile pic. All my real-time lifestyle friends understandably scattered. So I was publicly humiliated, embarrassed my family, lost my job and was pretty much blacklisted from ever working in my city again. And please note- all of this was done over essentially “gossip” and an “allegation” of being in the lifestyle. Nothing was ever proved.

I know my story is a bit extreme and hard to believe. Its hard for me to believe and I actually lived it. So I ask again- Are you SURE what would happen if you were outed? I used to be sure.

I'd be fucked.

Sub males are not always the best for public display....more so, those with local, national and international employees.

Wimmens can display themselves damn near any way they choose....sub....hot...available...Domme....hotter still...want me some.

Dom men...eh....arguable but....defensible.

Sub men....moreover those with a presence....not so.

Hence why I have no photo because I'm known internationally.

I'm no Bill Gates, but I am recognizable.

And because I am....being a sub male...it's all the more deleterious.

Wish it were otherwise....but it's not.

(in reply to Bittersweetcoco)

Post #: 52

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/16/2013 1:41:58 AM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
Status: offline

nothing would happen to me. everyone in my life that is close to me knows what i'm like.

also, i'm of no importance to anyone so who would care anyway. no newspaper reporter is going to care about me either. in fact unless you are famous in some way i'm not sure why they'd care about you either. i just don't see why they would go to so much trouble over a nobody.

needles

_____________________________

I deserved better. Not than you, but from you.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 53

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/16/2013 3:02:39 AM

lior4

Posts: 13
Joined: 1/28/2013
Status: offline

there are some countries which are more open about it and in which the culture influenced people to be more individual about private life.

However, not all countries are like that.
in some countries, people will be literally burnt alive if public find the person doing something they called "againts the common morality" based on their subjective and exclusive perspectives. If that happen, the subject won't even have time to find any kind help before they die, moreover international help/law.
it happened and still happening up to the point i am writing this response.

so, this post is a good warning based on personal experience.
thank you.

< Message edited by lior4 -- 2/16/2013 3:03:24 AM >

(in reply to Bittersweetcoco)

Post #: 54

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/16/2013 3:36:33 AM

LoveSlider

Posts: 52
Joined: 8/22/2010
Status: offline

My employers have more skeletons in the closet than me!
And I think the UK is one of the best places to be protected from petty employers, it is after all really hard to get rid of people who need getting rid of.

And if it all did go tits up I'd just go back to being entirely freelance and probably be better off for it.

As for people finding out in my personal life, anyone who has a problem with it can go fuck themselves :) I'm fairly sure any of my friends would be entirely a) unsurprised and b) willing to take the piss about it.

(in reply to lior4)

Post #: 55

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/16/2013 4:10:18 AM

msjustlooking

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline

Where I live you would probably be in the papers. I live in an extremely "neo-conservative" "ultra Christian" area. Its a fairly small town surrounded by smaller towns. In fact, with a population of about 20,000 we are considered the "big city" of the area. I could see this happening here. The local papers in this area have no "real" news. So evidence that there is sleazy kinky deviant sex in this area? They would hop on it. The papers are always plastered with photos of who got arrested for DUI, what Alderman used profanity at the last meeting and what gossip they heard about somebody in the community. The hottest selling newspaper in the area has nothing in it except mugshots of nobodies who got arrested in county and city jails in the area, mostly for misdemeanor offenses. Here, if you get arrested for any reason great or small you WILL be in the papers no if ands or buts. Nothing newsworthy really ever happens in places lke this. If it were not for gossip sandwiched in between stories about Miss Johnson's class field trip and pics of the Roger's Family Vacation (yes they actually publish that); we would not have a newspaper at all. So papers in this area compete with gossip. Every headline is either about who got arrested, who is believed to have an embarrassing private life or what shocking argument went on at the school board or council meeting. My sympathies for everything you went through and thank you for sharing what must have been a very difficult (to say the least) event of your life.

_____________________________

"How To Serve Dominant Women"- Its a Cookbook!

(in reply to lior4)

Post #: 56

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/16/2013 4:28:58 AM

TAFKAA

Posts: 382
Joined: 1/5/2013
Status: offline

Yeah, I'm pretty damn sure that not a damn thing would happen.

Why?

Because I live in a society in which workers are protected and my employer would be sued to smithereens.

You Americans put up with the shittiest labour market in the western world - this is one of the consequences of doing so.

_____________________________

The asshole formerly known as Awareness

(in reply to Bittersweetcoco)

Post #: 57

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/16/2013 4:32:13 AM

thezeppo

Posts: 441
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline

I think I would find it hard to get teaching jobs, or even the teaching assistant job I have now. I don't think my social life would be terribly affected - I trust my closest friends and I don't really know anyone else, I tend towards the introverted as it is! I'm sorry that happened to you - privacy should be a more valued commodity, and the ramifications for removing the right to privacy more severe - unless it can be proven that it is in the public interest.

(in reply to msjustlooking)

Post #: 58

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/16/2013 5:54:58 AM

absolutchocolat

Posts: 1392
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TAFKAA

Yeah, I'm pretty damn sure that not a damn thing would happen.

Why?

Because I live in a society in which workers are protected and my employer would be sued to smithereens.

You Americans put up with the shittiest labour market in the western world - this is one of the consequences of doing so.

Hit the nail on the head!

(in reply to TAFKAA)

Post #: 59

RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? - 2/16/2013 6:11:29 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

NM

< Message edited by crazyml -- 2/16/2013 6:15:50 AM >

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Bittersweetcoco)

Post #: 60

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