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When to ask "the question" - 6/20/2006 6:15:09 PM

shyfem

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/16/2006
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Good evening E/everyone,

I have posted this in the Ask a Master forum, but welcome answers/advice from A/all to what I feel to be a very naive question.

I have starting seeing a Dom in R/T recently. We have met several times and had more "in depth" times together as well

.

My question is probably the oldest around but I fear that it may seem like I am pushing for something that I am not if asked wrong.

Basically, I just want to know where I stand with Him. I find myself thinking of Him regularly.
I want to know if He is considering me to be His? Or if He just wants a D/s companion. I know I should have gotten a little insight before jumping feet first into this but He intrigued me so.

*sighs*

I am not sure how to approach this without giving the wrong impression. Any/all advice is welcome

~shy
--------------------------------------------------
May all who tread here find what they seek!

Post #: 1

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/20/2006 6:23:55 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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the correct impression is the truth. If thats what it is, communicate. You have made your bed, now you must lie in it, but if it is what you search for.......He may be ok, he may not be ok. But you must express it.

That's me.
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 2

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/20/2006 6:47:04 PM

Arpig

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From: Increasingly further from reality
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I may have misread your question, but I think "the question" you are referring to is basically if he sees you and he as a "couple" or as just BDSM fuck buddies. If that is the case, then the time to ask is now.

_____________________________

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(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 3

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/20/2006 6:55:11 PM

juliaoceania

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Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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If I was in this situation I would first of all stress how you know this is still a new thing between the two of you, but that you really like him, think about him all the time, and wonder if he feels the same. I get the impression from your words that you do not want to rush him, but asking him if he is as into you as you are into him is not pushing.. it is just establishing where you are. He is either there with you, or not.. best to find out before you invest anymore emotionally. At least that is the way I approach things, the way I see it is that I do not want to waste my thoughts on someone who isnt thinking about me. Im 38, and I am searching for a life mate, not just a roll in the hay. If I start something that ends up being just that, well fine, but that is not what I am investing myself emotionally in at this point in my life. Since we are the same age, I am thinking you may well be in the same head space as I am.

The way I see it, if there is someone consuming my thoughts that there is no future with then they are blocking the way for someone that I could spend the rest of my life with perhaps.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 4

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/20/2006 7:11:26 PM

shyfem

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/16/2006
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Thanks so much for the responses. I am thinking of Him very often and am just worried that I might come on to strong, I am not looking for commitment, yet.

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I get the impression from your words that you do not want to rush him, but asking him if he is as into you as you are into him is not pushing.. it is just establishing where you are.

Thank you julia, you confirmed to me what I was thinking. I always appreciate your insight. (Besides if we just wanted a "roll in the hay" we can get that. We are women, right?

)

~shy
------------------------------------
May all who tread here find what they seek!

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 5

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/20/2006 7:18:45 PM

mnottertail

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Do what you know you should do, tell us how it went. We care.........(Even pure assholes like me.)

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 6

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/20/2006 7:52:39 PM

LokisBrat

Posts: 431
Joined: 12/5/2005
From: Mayberry, Illinois
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I have to agree with communicating your wants and needs. There is nothing wrong in asking if your paths are heading in the same direction. So many ruined relationships come from assumption.

LOKI

_____________________________

"My pleasure, your pain. Doesn't matter, its all the same"

-Loki

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 7

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/20/2006 9:14:21 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyfem

Good evening E/everyone,
[/color]
I have posted this in the Ask a Master forum, but welcome answers/advice from A/all to what I feel to be a very naive question.

I have starting seeing a Dom in R/T recently. We have met several times and had more "in depth" times together as well .

My question is probably the oldest around but I fear that it may seem like I am pushing for something that I am not if asked wrong.

Basically, I just want to know where I stand with Him. I find myself thinking of Him regularly.
I want to know if He is considering me to be His? Or if He just wants a D/s companion. I know I should have gotten a little insight before jumping feet first into this but He intrigued me so. *sighs*

I am not sure how to approach this without giving the wrong impression. Any/all advice is welcome

~shy[/color]

I'm offering an alternative to the "ask every question the minute it pops into your head; nothing is better than communication; at least if you talk the relationship into an early grave you'll know where you stand" school of thought.

Someday, maybe soon, it is going to be plainly one way or another with this guy. Eventually it is going to be one way or another forever, whether that is happily-ever or you forget one another other or something else entirely.

You're in a special little slice of life right now. Why demand an end to it? Explore it for a while. It surely adds spice. It is entirely possible that one of the things which appeals to him is your apparent willingness to roll with it, take it as it comes for a while. But that isn't a strong reason to refrain from asking him. I mean if that question you're thinking about is a deal killer then how good of a deal could it have been?

A good reason not to ask, in my view, is the new place the uncertainty puts you in. You can submit yourself to the uncertainty or you can dominate the situation. I'm not saying that asking this question would be topping, i.e. topping him. Not at all. But it would be an instance of you trying to get on top of a situation which you might instead just submit yourself to... for a while anyway. It doesn't seem unbearable yet from what you've said. When it gets to the point where it actually hurts not to know--well maybe that's a good sign that he is just emotionally unavailable or he would have made it clear. Or it may me a sign that he is just too emotionally sadistic for you. Or it may be a sign that it is just the perfect time to ask the damn question after all and everything will be fine.

One possiblility--whether you identify as generally masochistic or not--would be to try to process this discomfort masochistically. Feel the question. Feel the yearning for an answer. Let it wash through you. What do those feelings make you feel, as it were? Does the world look different from that place of yearning? Does art look different? Do songs sound different? Do memories of childhood look different? Does your orientation toward previous partners evolve at all? For better or worser? Cooler or uncooler?

The generally accepted (and generally apt, I think) advice that "communication is good" can be followed right down a rathole sometimes. A little uncertainty can be good too. A little mystery.

I hope this guy turns out to be great for you if that's what you want. He might not, though. Either way you can still grow and enrich your life as you live through this. A definitive answer from him now--if he cared to offer one--would be a good thing for you in the sense that scratching an itch is good. And scratching an itch is one of life's little pleasures for sure.

But wouldn't it be nice if you were to look back on ten years of great times with this guy and on top of everything else recall that he was the man who inspired you to explore your yearning-for-answers in a new, subtler way?

Thanks for a nice post. And by the way one of the best parts was where you stopped torturing the P/pronouns.

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 8

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/20/2006 10:09:47 PM

srllile7

Posts: 75
Joined: 3/30/2006
Status: offline

I personally just went through the exact same thing. I jumped in feet first was falling head over heels for my new Dom and wasnt sure if my feelings were right on or if i was just getting carried away with myself. But ive been told to talk about anything and everything so a few days ofworry i sent an email saying simply that im head over heels for you youve got me wrapped around your pinkie and i just wanted to make sure that these fellings are grouned and arent my emotions getting away with me. And i got the good news back yipee that they were and that our relationship was building and growing and that my Dom was aware of how i felt and understood this and had it in mind. Well I hope that helps a bit more as well.

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 9

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/21/2006 6:02:08 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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You should ask the question as soon as it comes to your mind.

Unless it's a really bad day, and then you can wait a day.

Open and honest communication means just that. Next time the opportunity for a good conversation comes up you say "Hey I've been thinking of you a lot lately and just wanted to know where you felt things stood between us"

Ta-da.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 10

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/21/2006 8:07:31 AM

RavenMuse

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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Once you find yourself needing to know the answer, that is a clear indication that it is the time to ask the question.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 11

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/21/2006 9:52:11 AM

Tamerofwild1s

Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
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Of course direct asking is one way to go . but if your fear is you will push him away . I have to wonder if the relationship is worth saving to begin with ... myself if asked I will give a straight forward response .... as best as I can.

if you don't want the straight forward way .. try this . start an online journal .. express your concerns in that ... mention to him that you have this . if he wants to read it good . he'll now see your concerns .. Doms are NOT mindreaders so he may not know your concerns just yet ...... this will offer it too him ... I'm sure their are other ways of hinting your wants and desires to him alsoif he doesn't offer to read the journal . or ask for the addy to read it ... mention that you'ld like his input on some of the articles in your journal from his viewpoint . one way or another your questions will soon be answered

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 12

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/21/2006 12:36:19 PM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

Rather than asking where you stand with him, I'd suggest starting by sharing where he stands with you. That could elicit the response you are looking for naturally; if he doesn't offer it, then you've opened the door to ask and he can use what you said as a frame of reference.

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 13

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/22/2006 4:46:19 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
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The online journal sounds like a wonderful idea..especially if you are somewhat hesitant to ask.

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 14

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/22/2006 7:31:18 AM

SirKenin

Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline

Hmmm. While I do like asking questions, and lots of them, there is an alternative in this case. Look for the telltale signs. They will be there. Or in this case they might not be which might be prompting you to ask him instead. Either way the answer that you are searching for is right under your nose. I think the only time you will actually have to ask is if he is sending you mixed signals. Then clarification would be in order I would think.

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(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 15

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/22/2006 8:54:58 AM

DesertRat

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quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert
Rather than asking where you stand with him, I'd suggest starting by sharing where he stands with you. That could elicit the response you are looking for naturally; if he doesn't offer it, then you've opened the door to ask and he can use what you said as a frame of reference.

Now, that would be refreshing!! In my experience, many girls volunteer little, offering information sparingly and only in response to direct questions. For a time, I thought the reason for this might be that I am a scary, foreboding man...yeah, right.

Later, after being with some whose discussions of feelings ventured beyond "i don't know", "i'm not sure", and "maybe", I concluded the problem doesn't reside in me. Not entirely, anyway. Maybe my "prompting" skills could use improvement, but I do get tired of having to spend so much time being an interrogator.

Bob

_____________________________

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro--Hunter S. Thompson
It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide!--Chief Dead St. Knockout, 1933, Liverpool
Damn the crops. I'll only find peace at the end of a rope.--Winston Van Loo, 1911

(in reply to happypervert)

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RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/22/2006 10:28:11 AM

impishlilhellcat

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Joined: 3/26/2006
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I've tried the straight foreward approach, but it nerve racking. I've tried waiting to see where things go and if he will say something and that's even worse. My advice is to ask straight out when the question comes to your mind. I know that feeling of feeling like your stuck in limbo and your not making any progress well!

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Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book - Unknown

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Post #: 17

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/22/2006 5:36:57 PM

shyfem

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Thanks everyone for your input. I have taken everything into consideration. I just get a little insecure sometimes at the beginning of a relationship and try to over analyze. I am not sure why I do that as I am normally very laid back.

I do like the advice on telling him where he stands in my life. I actually gave this a shot last night. I conveyed, subtly, where he stood in my life. I am pretty sure he got it as he is a smart cookie

I think I will keep to the subtle approach for now, letting him know where he stands in my life. This relationship is just beginning to bud and after last night I do not get the feeling that he just wants to be "bdsm fuck buddies" LOL!

~shy
--------------------------------------------
May all who tread here find what they seek!

< Message edited by shyfem -- 6/22/2006 5:38:08 PM >

(in reply to impishlilhellcat)

Post #: 18

RE: When to ask "the question" - 6/22/2006 6:55:07 PM

LordDominik

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From: Omaha, Nebraska
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My advice would be, approach it how you would anything else. Be respectful, yet be straightforward, and don't beat around the bush. A question such as this one, or any question in regard to the relatiopnship for that matter, should always be very to the point, to assure there is no confusion. It never hurts to ask.

~ LD

_____________________________

"For my system, which you disapprove of, is also my greatest comfort in life, the source of all my happiness. It means more to me than my life itself."
Marquis de Sade

(in reply to shyfem)

Post #: 19

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