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A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 7:00:56 PM

DorkDom

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline

I am a Dominant male Master with several years experience in the lifestyle and I am now in a new relationship with a submissive who recently fully submitted to me. Our relationship is a long distance one in which we are physically separated by several hundred miles and only able to spend two or three weekends a month together. The subject of attending a play party in her area came up recently. She is an established and respected member of her local community and everyone is used to seeing her participate each time she attends a play party. There is one particular Domme who always asks to and in turns plays with her at these events. My submissive has attended these events in the past with about 3 or 4 different Doms that she was seeing at the time of the parties. In our discussion, I expressed to her that it is my desire to attend the first party, since I do not know any one other than herself, without participating in a scene, and that I would prefer her not to participate either if she was requested to so. She is very upset with me on my decision and feels that we should not attend a party without participating and feels that if she attends a party and does not participate she will lose the respect of the community. She is also afraid that if I respectfully decline to allow her to play with this one Domme she has played with in the past, that said Domme will never ask her to play again. I know the community is very important to her and I have no intentions of keeping her from it except for the first time I attend a party among virtual strangers to me. I now have several questions; am I being unreasonable in my wishes? Shouldn’t my submissive put my wishes as her Master, before those of the local community? Shouldn’t the community and this Domme in particular respect my wishes as a Dominant without it affecting my submissive’s reputation in the community? For personal reason, I am not using my normal name on this site. I appreciate all who will respond and offer me your advice as I am trying to be the best that I can be.

Post #: 1

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 7:14:31 PM

ArchangelMichael

Posts: 243
Joined: 8/21/2004
From: New Orleans, LA
Status: offline

It's my opinion that people in the local BDSM scene should always respect the wishes of a submissive's Master or Mistress, even if the submissive has been a long-standing member of the scene/club while they were unowned. There should be no reason for her to lose respect in the scene just because she has decided not to play or her Master has said that she can't play with others. You can't let others dictate your behavior as her Master and if they want to no longer play with her because you tell her that she can't play with them for one party, then I think the one she should be upset with is the "friend" who decided to dump on her because of her Master's wishes.

_____________________________

"Open up your mind; Let your fantasies unwind." -The Phantom, Phantom of the Opera

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -Toulouse-Lautrec, Moulin Rouge

(in reply to DorkDom)

Post #: 2

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 7:14:53 PM

HouseofBear

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/9/2005
Status: offline

I do not know about her community, however in the venues I am used to a collared submissive would not be expected to play with someone else unless consent of her dominant was obtained first. And common courtesy would say that as it your first visit, that she would be spending more time introducing you to the people in the community, giving you the opportunity to know them better and get comfortable with them. I would think that serving you in this manner would gain her more respect, not less, within that community.

Lady Ursa

(in reply to DorkDom)

Post #: 3

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 7:20:23 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

I have never been to a play party, but it seems the answer to this transcends any particular venue. You are the Master, no one should be able to trump your authority. The others in the local scene should respect your authority over your submissive and respect her for being obedient, not ostracise her for being obedient.
I want to tell you I think it is a mark of your character to seek advice for this problem, I have a hunch you would not have changed your stance on the situation, unless presented with a very strong argument against your opinion, but to ask others shows your care for how your submissive feels.

(in reply to HouseofBear)

Post #: 4

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 7:25:31 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DorkDom

I am a Dominant male Master with several years experience in the lifestyle and I am now in a new relationship with a submissive who recently fully submitted to me. Our relationship is a long distance one in which we are physically separated by several hundred miles and only able to spend two or three weekends a month together. The subject of attending a play party in her area came up recently. She is an established and respected member of her local community and everyone is used to seeing her participate each time she attends a play party. There is one particular Domme who always asks to and in turns plays with her at these events. My submissive has attended these events in the past with about 3 or 4 different Doms that she was seeing at the time of the parties. In our discussion, I expressed to her that it is my desire to attend the first party, since I do not know any one other than herself, without participating in a scene, and that I would prefer her not to participate either if she was requested to so. She is very upset with me on my decision and feels that we should not attend a party without participating and feels that if she attends a party and does not participate she will lose the respect of the community. She is also afraid that if I respectfully decline to allow her to play with this one Domme she has played with in the past, that said Domme will never ask her to play again. I know the community is very important to her and I have no intentions of keeping her from it except for the first time I attend a party among virtual strangers to me. I now have several questions; am I being unreasonable in my wishes?

Not one bit. You are being completely reasonable. I think her excuses are a copout.

quote:

Shouldn’t my submissive put my wishes as her Master, before those of the local community?

Yes. But you both haven't been together that long, and its pretty clear where she's putting her priorities (with other people and not with you).

quote:

Shouldn’t the community and this Domme in particular respect my wishes as a Dominant without it affecting my submissive’s reputation in the community?

Yes. You've been involved in BDSM for several years and thats not obvious?

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to DorkDom)

Post #: 5

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 7:27:03 PM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

well said

I think I would also be asking why she feels she has to play at a play party without you present. I dont think if it were me, I would be too comfortable with mine playing with others, unless it had been heavily discussed before hand. With it being a new relationship however and her being used to her own activities this could be a hard transition for her as well. I do definately agree with meeting and not playing on your first trip to her group. I think I would feel kind of put on the spot if it were *expected* by mine and by the group.

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 6

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 7:30:07 PM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

that's a load of crock on her part Dorky dom, You won't loose the comunities respect if you go to a play party and don't play.
She probablly just doesn't want you to attend with her

and feels that we should not attend a party without participating and feels that if she attends a party and does not participate she will lose the respect of the community.

(in reply to DorkDom)

Post #: 7

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 7:39:55 PM

bklynbbw

Posts: 147
Joined: 10/19/2005
Status: offline

I hope I say this right. As an unowned submissive..what I do at a play party and who I play with is my choice. If/when I meet the One I submit to and bring him to my circle of friends, I would feel the right thing to do is spend my time introducing him to them and socializing so that they can come to see who he is and why I am with him.. hopefully they will think he is as wonderful as I do..<smile> and here is where im not sure if I will say this right...but I wouldnt want to play on that night with past partners...one reason being that I would want to show I am now his..not free to do as I please like before. If I play at another time with past partners at a party...It would be known that it is with his permission. I also wouldnt want to play with him that first time as I maybe would feel like I want to prove how good he is or have them judge him/his abilitys....make sense? I hope so. Im not alway good at putting my feelings into words...probably why I dont post much..*smile*

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)

Post #: 8

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 7:46:03 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

Yes, sounds to me like she is trying to manipulate you with a bunch of crap. I've been going to play parties and no one gets judged on whether they play or not.

Is it possible that she is not as 'fully submitted' to you as she claims? This appears to me to be a good moment to sit down, and go over how you both visualize your relationship, because right now it doesn't seem you two are on the same page.

It may be that she is still stuck on the idea that on her turf she is in charge. I had that problem the first time I submitted in my own home, as opposed to playing at my first dom's place where I had only ever played before. I couldn't let go of the part of me that felt that as hostess, I needed to be in charge.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to DorkDom)

Post #: 9

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 8:16:34 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DorkDom

I am a Dominant male Master with several years experience in the lifestyle and I am now in a new relationship with a submissive who recently fully submitted to me. Our relationship is a long distance one in which we are physically separated by several hundred miles and only able to spend two or three weekends a month together. The subject of attending a play party in her area came up recently. She is an established and respected member of her local community and everyone is used to seeing her participate each time she attends a play party. There is one particular Domme who always asks to and in turns plays with her at these events. My submissive has attended these events in the past with about 3 or 4 different Doms that she was seeing at the time of the parties. In our discussion, I expressed to her that it is my desire to attend the first party, since I do not know any one other than herself, without participating in a scene, and that I would prefer her not to participate either if she was requested to so. She is very upset with me on my decision and feels that we should not attend a party without participating and feels that if she attends a party and does not participate she will lose the respect of the community. She is also afraid that if I respectfully decline to allow her to play with this one Domme she has played with in the past, that said Domme will never ask her to play again. I know the community is very important to her and I have no intentions of keeping her from it except for the first time I attend a party among virtual strangers to me. I now have several questions; am I being unreasonable in my wishes? Shouldn’t my submissive put my wishes as her Master, before those of the local community? Shouldn’t the community and this Domme in particular respect my wishes as a Dominant without it affecting my submissive’s reputation in the community? For personal reason, I am not using my normal name on this site. I appreciate all who will respond and offer me your advice as I am trying to be the best that I can be.

While I get the ego side of this...your the master and what you say goes. It sounds like she's not willing to submit this and it's not a battle of the wills that I envy. She knows these people and you feel odd about "performing" for strangers.
Frankly I would think it could be interesting seeing what she's "used to" putting her through the "normal paces" and take notes. This isn't a popularity contest. If she's with you get over yourself and realize WHO SHE'S GOING HOME WITH!!!

For some this is the hardest step. Just an FYI this is why strippers normally don't date (at least outside the industry). Partners can't get past this is what I do vs this is who I am.

It doesn't sound like public play is going to stop with or without you. I personally would ask her why it is so important that she play and what she believes she'll miss out on by not playing with this one person. If it's sensation, thrill, her sub space "fix" let her go for it and enjoy the benefits. If it's fear that others won't like her or won't play with her anymore...move on you're a fixture.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to DorkDom)

Post #: 10

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 8:18:42 PM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Dork,

She is playing games, period. However, the real question is whether she knows it or not and my bet is she doesn't. I would remain all calm and cool and have her clearly explain why a community would lose respect for her if her owner made the decision for her not to play. Rather than having her rail against your decision, make her describe your relationship and why others would not lose respect for her for abiding by the rules of that relationship.

In other words, see if in trying to explain it she comes to see the games she is playing with you. Best of luck!

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

Post #: 11

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 8:49:12 PM

SweetSlaveGirl

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline

She's playing you, from the sounds of it. She's trying to control you.
A sub/slave puts their Master's wishes first before their own. Sounds like she's
looking forward to playing and you're now saying "no" and she's not liking it.
She wants her cake and eat it too. Personally, I'd be wondering if she really
has your best interests at heart and if she's the right one. Just my five cents worth.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 12

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 10:19:13 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

She is also afraid that if I respectfully decline to allow her to play with this one Domme she has played with in the past, that said Domme will never ask her to play again.

::snipped for brevity::

If she is now fully committed to you, why worry about some future play with a former play partner? Once Himself took ownership of me, play with anyone else wasn't even up for discussion. He simply doesn't share his toys.

If you 'are' the dominant, then just 'be' the dominant. Seems simple to me.

I hear you saying a lot of 'she feels' this and 'she feels' that.. what about how 'you feel'.. isn't that what really matters here? I mean, we're talking play and party here ... seems a bit frivolous to get one's panties in a bunch over it. If she's this upset over a play party.. how is she going to react when something is really important ... and how are you going to react?

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to DorkDom)

Post #: 13

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 10:57:16 PM

Taylore

Posts: 121
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

This was something that Master insisted upon very early in our relationship. That I would not play with others without his consent, and his meeting the person first. I did not, and do not find it to be an unreasonable request at all.

_____________________________

Taylore

(in reply to DorkDom)

Post #: 14

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 11:20:19 PM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

Your requests are reasonable and my thoughts echo many of the ones already posted. I would suggest 2 things in addition:

1. Perhaps she has overinflated her self worth in the community in her own head and to realize life (and the play party) will go on without her scenes might take her down a notch or two. Is she trying to prove something to you or herself to impress?

2. I am a Dom...and if I had a friend visit me, owned, unowned, dom or sub I would ensure that person was introduced and made to feel comfortable as my guest. If that meant I did not play then so be it. It seems simple good manners to me.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to Taylore)

Post #: 15

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/20/2006 11:50:13 PM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

{fast reply}

If she's afraid, or unable, to say "no," I'd suggest you instruct her to tell anyone who asks her to play that since she is wearing your collar, they'll have to ask you. If they ask you, I'd recommend that you tell them, in the most polite and friendly manner you can, that she will not be available on that particular night. If she is, in fact, an established and respected member of that community, I can't imagine her losing that status for this. I don't know what community she's a member of, but I do know that at Desert Dominion, your wishes would be respected.

One time, I was introducing a new submissive woman, whom I'd met here on collarme to Desert Dominion. She was worried about her inability to say "no." Even though she wasn't my submissive, I told her an easy way to do so. If somebody asked her to play and she wanted to play with that person, go ahead. If she didn't want to play with that particular person, I told her to say, "You'll have to ask Harry." If somebody had asked me, I would have automatically answered with a polite, friendly, "no."

(in reply to MsKatHouston)

Post #: 16

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/21/2006 1:11:44 AM

D1961wildchild

Posts: 17
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline

This is an interesting thread ... when I first went out into the big bad world holding tight to my new found ideas of being a submissive, I was theoretically comfortable with myself but when it came to the face to face situation of munches I was lost and then found in an unpleasant way ... at this stage Sir and I had not met in person and I was so upset by the mess my first foray had got me into (not to mention the cost of the chiropractor who fixed the damage) that I simply would not go out again.

Sir came over to Perth and went to a munch with me and offered me His guidence and security to meet the local comunity, but one of the first things He did as our relationship grew was to make hard and fast rules about my play ... only with His permission and that ended up being only with Him present ... not only do these rules still exist but I still find the same sense of security and protection with them and am ever thankfull for His care and concern.

At no stage has anyone even questioned the answer of "you need to ask Sir" and for the most part I have found respect a result of my obedience to His way, and friendship. The few who have reacted differently have proved in time to have been far from acceptable and I am again reassured of my path and Sir's guidence being both correct and proper.

So as to the question of reasonable, I would turn this arround ... in her submission is she not asking for Your protection and guidence? and if so is it reasonable to ask for something and then reject it when it is given? It does not sound like You are saying "hey there will be no play ever in your local community"; to me it sounds like You just want to check out the lay of the land ... this is something I would expect of my Dom, how else is He to judge what is right?

Only fools rush in where angels fear to tread and I would be dissapointed if things went wrong in my local community simply because the time was not taken to get to know the members and the scene, espeacially if it lead to missunderstandings. I also consider it part of a relationship whether it be vanila or L/s to introduce the new partner to those of my community, it is simply good manners.

Anyway this is just my opinon and thoughts ... in no way arguing with the valid thoughts of others.

_____________________________

formally redheadedfire4u ...
Driver1961's redheadedfire now lol ...
warm smiles to all

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)

Post #: 17

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/21/2006 1:12:54 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

Her behaviour reminds me of an episode that happened when I was seven. I threw a tantrum over being kept from my friends for a day. I also used the excuse that if I wasn't part of their play that day, it would hurt my social standing. (Of course, I didn't put it that way, but it was what my argument boiled down to..) My folks, of course, got their way. Giving into childish tantrums is a good way to spoil someone. Your sub is acting like a child and testing how far she can push you. She needs to respect you and your rules. Be firm and consistent. Remind her that YOU are the person in charge and that you make the rules. She is the sub.. aka the person who follows the rules.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to DorkDom)

Post #: 18

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/21/2006 2:27:41 AM

Driver1961

Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

He enters, dips His lid to all..

Well questioned DorkDom! It is interesting to note that all posting are in favour to substantial favour re your thoughts. You have explained your position quite well and I will expand on my "Wildchild's" previous post.

You say you are a couple of hundred miles apart and only (will) only get together 2 or 3 weekends a month. The joy of that! Wild and I were seperated on either coast of Australia, over 2,000 miles!

The bottom line is committment for growth. The pressure you appear to be under questions your sub's committment for growth. We all know that talk is cheap in new relationships and actions set the ground for growth.

Yes, I listened to my wild's woes of seperation and personal needs but I was able to maturely justify my decision making as simply 'My protection of her'. Simply the bottom line was that she understood my decision making or there would be a petering of the relationship as I would question our respect for each other.

No it wasn't easy entering a munch within her community when many Dom/mes desired her and I was a 2,000 mile plus 'blow in'!

I have some sympathy for your sub's opinion, she possibly wants to 'show you in action!' take a pat on the back! but nothwithstanding you have a right to feel comfortable, not just for yourself but for the growth of your D/s dynamic. I suspect you have not said there will be 'No play' but you will assess the situation. All reasonable to me for the growth of a new relationship.

In short, I have no regrets whatsoever for the stands I took over 'our' issues. My Precious accepts that she should never question any stance I take. I always have a reasoned, explainable, and respectful approach. Wild knows my ethics, my utmost consideration for her growth and my strength.

It took some five months but 6 weeks ago she moved the 2,000+ miles to Me.

My best wishes to you Brother.

Regards Driver1961, Sir to His loving 'WildChild'.

"He stands upon His Lotus Blossom (WildChild), staff in hand, gently guiding His Lotus Blossom along the meandering river of life."

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 19

RE: A question about play party etiquette and respect - 6/21/2006 2:57:36 AM

zero69u2

Posts: 107
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline

Tell it like it is.. your entering new surroundings. your not interested in play so much as socialization with her friends for first outing at the club/play party. Your certainly right in your decision. alot of folks come to the party to socialize and public play is overrated anyways unless your a exhibitionist its not as much fun as private sessions.

Her domme friend, if they are close friends will understand.. certainly your gal will be busy introducing you to her social clicks at the party and this might be right time to do the cigar social or buy someone a drink and mingle. maybe if the club/play scene is making you uncomfortable. see if she'll play privately with sub and yourself watching and some participation. use the club for introductions or what not..

Perhaps you should bring a small bag of toys to the party just in case after the party you feel like playing.. maybe later in evening after socializing with group.. you have a change of mind.. you don't have to.. but better to be prepared in case you get the urge.

(in reply to Driver1961)

Post #: 20

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