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RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 11:55:56 AM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

If a MAN had made this post
"I went off on my girlfriend and started kicking her, hitting her, screaming at her, because she won’t suck my dick as many times each day as I want."

We would have seen a totally different set of responses.
However, a woman makes the same post, as she’s told "If you aren’t getting your sexual needs met, go find a different man."
Sexism at its finest.

Bravo!

While men are normally the abusers the silent, tragic reality of abused males goes, for the most part, unnoticed. I have known several men that have been victims of domestic violence (some even ended up hospitalized because of it) and their suffering is real and largely discounted because men are traditionally physically stronger than women. As a result this problem slips quietly under the radar and rarely gets recognition.

To the OP... what you did is a crime. You truly deserve to be locked up like male abusers are. You need help. When you step over the line like this, clearly you have issues that need attention from a trained professional. I just hope you have the same amount of guts to face the awful truth of your crime as you did when you abused your partner to begin with.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 21

RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 12:22:41 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

OK, since the violence issue has been addressed many times I'm not going to add to it. You've already been properly chastised and KNOW you need to get a grip on your temper.

I would tend to say that based on the amount of frustration and confusion you seem to be experiencing that your need for sex is not the whole problem. As another poster suggested, it sounds more likely that sex has become a coping mechanism for you. It has probably become a way for you to deal with stress, frustration and other emotional issues.

I wouldn't delve into BDSM or D/s until you get a handle on what's really driving your sexual need. You need to be able to sort out your REAL sex drive from what is driven by other issues.

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 22

RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 12:41:27 PM

madtourist

Posts: 4
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline

For the record, I did not physically hurt my bf. He is much bigger and stronger...me punching him is like hitting a brick wall....and kicking wise I was barefoot
Still THAT DOES NOT JUSTIFY my actions I just wanted to paint a picture of what happened...

I did hurt him emotionally I know and I may have lost him...I do love him and regret mistreating him
I wish I could undo my actions...

Yes, the sex issue is very deeply rooted...I feel just desperate if I am rejected or put off sexually..
I think I conflate sex and love a lot...if I am unwanted sexually I feel worthless
When I went off I was so enraged because I felt like he was deliberately hurting me by not having sex

I have some bdsm experience....sometimes I think if I could find an expression...if I could release my
hidden/secret desires or maybe there's someone out there that could use me hard enough and
value my sluttiness instead of putting me off...

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 23

RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 1:26:30 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: madtourist
For the record, I did not physically hurt my bf. He is much bigger and stronger...me punching him is like hitting a brick wall....and kicking wise I was barefoot
Still THAT DOES NOT JUSTIFY my actions I just wanted to paint a picture of what happened...

I did hurt him emotionally I know and I may have lost him...I do love him and regret mistreating him
I wish I could undo my actions...

Yes, the sex issue is very deeply rooted...I feel just desperate if I am rejected or put off sexually..
I think I conflate sex and love a lot...if I am unwanted sexually I feel worthless
When I went off I was so enraged because I felt like he was deliberately hurting me by not having sex

I was offended that you posed this question to us on a BDSM board as if being insane/out of control and abusive is what we are here to support. Stop bullshitting us and yourself, get psychiatric help, because your problem is not that you want sex too much, nor is it BDSM related.

I'm glad your alleged boyfriend has left, and I hope he is smart enough to stay away from you forever. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to madtourist)

Post #: 24

RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 1:41:56 PM

yesido

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/3/2005
Status: offline

Thanks everyone for the help and comments. I appreciate the wisdom of the community.

Yes I am out of control and need help. I guess I don't quite know where to turn or begin...

I know it is wrong to treat my bf the way I have been. We have both been abusive
towards each other at various times but I am still responsible for my behavior.
You are right I am an abuser...I don't quite know how that happened but I guess that is the truth..

My frustrations have built to such an extent and instead of dealing with it in a healthier way
I didn't and they got the better of me...
There is also the frustration of being somewhat in a vanilla closet and confused about my
sexual identity...but you are probably right that that is too advanced for where I am now...

Thank you for your frank and thoughtful replies....

Please don't let a pattern of abuse set in for your future relationships. Many years ago I was married to lady with a bit of a temper. At first I shrugged off her out-breaks. Because I didn't attempt to stop them, she grew worse. Before I knew it, in the course of a year or so, I was hit with pots and pans on the head. I was stabbed in my sleep. I had my knee broke with a baseball bat.
She even attempted to ram a pen into my eyes. Each time she would appologize, but each episode, she got worse.
Don't let hate or your temper consume you. Please get help. It turned out that the lady I had to run from was bi-polar.

(in reply to madtourist)

Post #: 25

RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 1:50:30 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yesido
Thanks everyone for the help and comments. I appreciate the wisdom of the community.

Yes I am out of control and need help. I guess I don't quite know where to turn or begin...

I know it is wrong to treat my bf the way I have been. We have both been abusive
towards each other at various times but I am still responsible for my behavior.
You are right I am an abuser...I don't quite know how that happened but I guess that is the truth..

My frustrations have built to such an extent and instead of dealing with it in a healthier way
I didn't and they got the better of me...
There is also the frustration of being somewhat in a vanilla closet and confused about my
sexual identity...but you are probably right that that is too advanced for where I am now...

Thank you for your frank and thoughtful replies....

Please don't let a pattern of abuse set in for your future relationships. Many years ago I was married to lady with a bit of a temper. At first I shrugged off her out-breaks. Because I didn't attempt to stop them, she grew worse. Before I knew it, in the course of a year or so, I was hit with pots and pans on the head. I was stabbed in my sleep. I had my knee broke with a baseball bat.
She even attempted to ram a pen into my eyes. Each time she would appologize, but each episode, she got worse.
Don't let hate or your temper consume you. Please get help. It turned out that the lady I had to run from was bi-polar.

How many IDs do you have and which of your personalities is speaking here?

At the top it would seem madtourist seems to be replying, and in the same post, madtourist is now yesido, a man telling of his experiences with abusive women. I knew this thread was BS from the first time I read it.
Grow up, and go get psychiatric help. There are medications that can help your level of insanity.

M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to yesido)

Post #: 26

RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 2:17:42 PM

madtourist

Posts: 4
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline

yesido was quoting me

yes I do need to grow up
and yes my behavior was bs

I am seeking help thanks

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 27

RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 8:56:14 PM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

I haven't read the thread because I can't get past my own reaction and I need to simply post what I'm feeling.

I'm sorry if I repeat what someone else says

I'm sorry if I'm gonna hurt someone or anger someone, but dayummmmm

madtourist, Who do you think you ARE?
You don't get your pussy played with enough so you hit, kick, and scream at another human being????
So if you play with your clitty and don't achieve orgasm do you hit your fingers with a hammer????

I find this OP to be disturbing on many levels:
If the OP is Domme, you need to get your issues under control before you even think about accepting control of anyone else.
If the OP is sub you need to get your issues solves before you can even think of yielding to someone else.
Would you as the OP accept the idea that a man could kick, hit, and scream at a woman simply because she wouldn't give him three blowjobs a day? If the answer is no, you're a two faced snipe who goes by a selfish double standard.

We're talking sex here... since when does a selfish want/need for sexual release come before your partner's need for safety in his home/relationships??? JEEZE

(in reply to madtourist)

Post #: 28

RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 11:45:58 PM

TeeGO

Posts: 451
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

I’ve reread the OP here several times. I’ve read the responses. And I’m really a bit angry about what I’m seeing here.

If a MAN had made this post
"I went off on my girlfriend and started kicking her, hitting her, screaming at her, because she won’t suck my dick as many times each day as I want."

We would have seen a totally different set of responses.
However, a woman makes the same post, as she’s told "If you aren’t getting your sexual needs met, go find a different man."
Sexism at its finest.

I’m sorry, but I totally have ZERO sympathy here for the OP.
You are an abuser.
You are physically abusing and verbally abusing your mate.
That is wrong.
This has NOTHING to do with BDSM and EVERYTHING to do with domestic violence.

You can’t abuse your partners just because you’re horny more often then them.
How would you feel if a man started kicking and hitting your mother or your sister because she wouldn’t spread her legs for him whenever he demanded?

You are totally in the wrong here and unlike some of the other posters I do not believe you should go find a man who will fuck you more often.
I think you should be behind bars like the rest of the fucking perpetrators who hit and abuse their spouses and mates.

I don’t blame your partner one bit for leaving you.
He was a victim of domestic violence.
And you are an abuser.

Go get help and quit hurting people just because you’re horny.
It makes me sick.

Very well said.

_____________________________

Life is a mystery to be explored. An open mind is a portal to wondrous experiences!

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 29

RE: sane input needed please - 6/22/2006 12:21:10 AM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

when you hit kick or scream at someone wheather you have left marks or had an effect on them or not it's still abuse.

Hitting is pychical abuse screaming at someone is verbal abuse,

had he decided to call the cops on you, you would be taken to jail and booked for assault.
You should feel very lucky he has not had you thrown in jail, instead of just taking a job somewhere else for a while.

quote:

ORIGINAL: madtourist

For the record, I did not physically hurt my bf. He is much bigger and stronger...me punching him is like hitting a brick wall....and kicking wise I was barefoot
Still THAT DOES NOT JUSTIFY my actions I just wanted to paint a picture of what happened...

I did hurt him emotionally I know and I may have lost him...I do love him and regret mistreating him
I wish I could undo my actions...

Yes, the sex issue is very deeply rooted...I feel just desperate if I am rejected or put off sexually..
I think I conflate sex and love a lot...if I am unwanted sexually I feel worthless
When I went off I was so enraged because I felt like he was deliberately hurting me by not having sex

I have some bdsm experience....sometimes I think if I could find an expression...if I could release my
hidden/secret desires or maybe there's someone out there that could use me hard enough and
value my sluttiness instead of putting me off...

(in reply to madtourist)

Post #: 30

RE: sane input needed please - 6/22/2006 9:08:45 AM

mistressrose10

Posts: 56
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

Are we happy now? All patting ourselves on the backs? Good.I think she gets it.She had no right being violent and abusing her partner and certainly seems to have issues best handled by a mental health professional.However she is a victim of her own confusion and is obviously in pain recognizing that she messed up big time and needs help.It's easy to kick someone when they are down.Enough of the kicking already.Let's hope the OP takes the advice offered here and gets help to deal with her anger and sex issues.There is a place for her in the BDSM world, once she finds her niche and gets it together.I think at the very least an acknowledgement to the abused bf that she was out of line is in order.

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 31

RE: sane input needed please - 6/22/2006 10:08:43 AM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Are we happy now? All patting ourselves on the backs? Good.I think she gets it.She had no right being violent and abusing her partner and certainly seems to have issues best handled by a mental health professional.However she is a victim of her own confusion and is obviously in pain recognizing that she messed up big time and needs help.It's easy to kick someone when they are down.Enough of the kicking already.

Gee... Ummm... Thanks for pointing that out.

The stark reality is that the BDSM community suffers a stigma because others would call it 'abuse' and we don't need any help in perpetuating that stigma. So we hopped her shit and told her off... what about it? She has admitted that she did wrong... good for her. The next step is get help.

Expressing strong opinions about abusive behavior is not kicking someone when they are down. Abuse is serious and when someone admits they did something and in the OP didn't really focus on what was really important but instead talked about their own needs... yeah, people are going to get pissed off.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to mistressrose10)

Post #: 32

RE: sane input needed please - 6/22/2006 10:32:31 AM

Riff

Posts: 51
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

one would hope that there's more to a relationship than simply sex. you make s sound like like a partner is nothing more than a fucking machine

Edited to add that this is addressed initially to Lashra's post but also applies to the OP.

< Message edited by Riff -- 6/22/2006 10:54:08 AM >

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 33

RE: sane input needed please - 6/22/2006 3:39:37 PM

anthrosub

Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline

The sex drive is an incredibly powerful, naturally occuring drug. Yes, drug...the only difference is you don't have to take it like a pill. It's been shown that people with very high sex drives suffer from a lot of issues that are similar to drug addicts.

The violence and lack of control could be manifestations of these sorts of issues. My point here is that, yes...you do need to see someone who can help you untangle the knot and lay things out so you can see the source and come up with a plan.

Suggesting you find a mate with an equally high sex drive does not address your ability to manage your emotions. It's like telling an alcoholic to find an alcoholic mate, so there's no tension between the two of you about drinking.

Getting a handle on self control is the first priority. You should first want to make sure your self control issues do not come out in other contexts. If you're successful at that, the next step is dealing with your libido, which by then will be an inconvenience by comparison.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to Riff)

Post #: 34

RE: sane input needed please - 6/22/2006 10:52:20 PM

luluorange1

Posts: 11
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistressrose10

Are we happy now? All patting ourselves on the backs? Good.I think she gets it.She had no right being violent and abusing her partner and certainly seems to have issues best handled by a mental health professional.However she is a victim of her own confusion and is obviously in pain recognizing that she messed up big time and needs help.It's easy to kick someone when they are down.Enough of the kicking already.Let's hope the OP takes the advice offered here and gets help to deal with her anger and sex issues.There is a place for her in the BDSM world, once she finds her niche and gets it together.I think at the very least an acknowledgement to the abused bf that she was out of line is in order.

I agree with mistressrose10, she clearly acknowledged that she was wrong in doing what she did and feel very guilty and insecure about it.
My advise to "madtourist" is to relax and backoff, one must look inside onself to find true selfworth and not let others define you.

Why are you handing over your power to him, your desparate attempts for his affection in the form of sex in order for you to render yourself worthy is only turning him away. I think that is clear as day at this point. His moving away is a good thing, you need to relax, reflect and recharge. Do this for yourself please.... We are here on earth alone, we came in alone and we are going out alone. Appreciate the journey inbetween and be greatful of whatever connections you made along the way. When you realize that in all you do, not allowing someone else make you into what you are not is the greatest accomplishment you can have in your life.

_____________________________

"The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live." Elbert Hubbard.

Mistress S

(in reply to mistressrose10)

Post #: 35

RE: sane input needed please - 6/22/2006 11:50:30 PM

MsKarenMarie

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/16/2004
Status: offline

I still am not sure whether the OP is a sub, Dom or a Switch....sounds like a confused child to me. The behaviors that were acted out spell tantrum as I am a Mom and I have experienced it a thousand times from My own kids when they didnt get their way..... OP your bf did the right thing by leaving... sometimes tough love is necessary to jolt otherwise clueless people into changing their bad behaviors.

Respectfully,

MsKarenMarie

_____________________________

If you don't take risk you never have joy in your life

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 36

RE: sane input needed please - 6/23/2006 11:47:43 AM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I agree with mistressrose10, she clearly acknowledged that she was wrong in doing what she did and feel very guilty and insecure about it.

I agree that she admitted her wrong doing also. I also admit that she seemed contrite and felt remorse. That isn't enough though. Abusive people tend to go through that cycle and then repeat their abusive behavior.

quote:

My advise to "madtourist" is to relax and backoff, one must look inside onself to find true selfworth and not let others define you.

This sounds wonderful... it really does but if what she did was abusive and had damaging consequences to someone she was in a relationship with, it is not other people that have defined what she has done... she did that all by herself.

quote:

Why are you handing over your power to him, your desparate attempts for his affection in the form of sex in order for you to render yourself worthy is only turning him away.

Huh? Let us not lose sight that she freaked out and began beating this guy OK? Her 'handing over power to him' had nothing to do with it. Nothing.

quote:

His moving away is a good thing, you need to relax, reflect and recharge. Do this for yourself please.... We are here on earth alone, we came in alone and we are going out alone. Appreciate the journey inbetween and be greatful of whatever connections you made along the way. When you realize that in all you do, not allowing someone else make you into what you are not is the greatest accomplishment you can have in your life.

See above. This is not a warm and fuzzy thing that happened. Let's not sugar coat something that is quite ugly.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to luluorange1)

Post #: 37

RE: sane input needed please - 6/24/2006 8:54:14 AM

luluorange1

Posts: 11
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

Gauge

I understand your point, I was not trying to make excuse for her terrible behavior, everyone focused on the behavior itself and did a great job ripping her a new one. I didn't feel the need to jump on the wagon.
I saw beyond the behavior and was trying to focus on the root of the problem and not the symptoms.
She projected her bf's lack of response to her request/needs as him not needing/loving her.
Her abusive behavior was un-justified but if you don't get to the root of the problem as to where it is coming from and why, we haven't really helped her, have we?

I am not interested in beating people up, the fact that she post the message is a cry for help and you don't help someone by making them feel bad and walk away but not try to offer solutions afterwards.

_____________________________

"The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live." Elbert Hubbard.

Mistress S

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 38

RE: sane input needed please - 6/24/2006 12:21:26 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Her abusive behavior was un-justified but if you don't get to the root of the problem as to where it is coming from and why, we haven't really helped her, have we?

I am not interested in beating people up, the fact that she post the message is a cry for help and you don't help someone by making them feel bad and walk away but not try to offer solutions afterwards.

With all due respect, we cannot help her other than telling her to seek professional help. That is the only thing we can do. Getting to the root of her problem is her business, not ours.

I am a recovering alcoholic that is sober 6 years in August. No one could tell me to get help, or to get to the root of the problem until I became willing to face the truth within myself; that I was an alcoholic and that I was going to die if I kept drinking. No one could help me, no one; not my kids, my best friends, my family or anyone else. I had to do it on my own. By offering platitudes to someone with a problem like I had, all that does is to prolong the inevitable and give an excuse to continue bad behavior.

I understand your intent, but truth is truth and sometimes it is damned ugly when stated outright. I have feelings and a definite grasp on dealing with complex problems but I am not a professional either. Therefore, she needs help and needs to seek it from a professional. That step must come from her. She must be willing to confront herself. We cannot help her other than to offer that council.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to luluorange1)

Post #: 39

RE: sane input needed please - 6/24/2006 3:26:04 PM

tasha_tart

Posts: 385
Joined: 2/20/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

I am so lost right now. I went off on my boyfriend this morning kicking him, hitting him. screaming at him...i went nuts...Now, he tells me he is taking a temporary job in another state. I guess I deserved it.

You're lucky he didn't have your ass arrested. Get a shrink.

Celeste

I must say that you and Proprietrix in particular, have saved me a lot of typing.

These points were exactly what jumped out at me from the original post.

Tasha

_____________________________

"Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the better ones."...Woody Allen

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 40

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