Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

SusanofO -> Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 9:52:51 PM)

I have a weird thing happening inside my head. Any advice is appreciated.

I logged off CM in April because I knew I wasn't ready to be on here as an "active" member (my husband died of bone cancer in February, and even though our marriage was almost a complete ruin, I needed more time to recover emotionally from losing him. I was getting some nice letters from some really nice Doms, and didn't want to lead anyone on, so I decided to get some grief counseling (which I am doing and it's going well), log off as an "active" CM member, and become "active" at CM, say, this Fall, which I fully plan to do. I am really not ready to seek any kind of partner (or even a "friend" that could turn into a partner) - yet. I do really appreciate the friendship of one particular submissive guy's companionship, though (plus, he's waaay hot. I never thought I cared much about that kind of thing, but this guy is a hunk) - he lives where I do and we've become friends.

I thought I'd be safe e-mailing a Submissive guy in my home-town who'd reached out to me as a friend. He's completely a Submissive Male, no doubt about it. But he's been such a good friend (we've gone out to lunch a few times, talked on the phone, etc.), I've become physically attracted to him (he's cute. He's waaay Submissive, too, though) .

I definitely am a submissive and would need a Dom, when I decide to "look" for any kind of relationship. I am hopelessly submissive. This guy is so nice. But he's a Submissive.

What is wrong with me?!!! Am I crazy? I doubt I am a Switch - I never even fantasize about being one.

I don't want to let him know I feel this way  - I am afraid he'll freak out and I don't want to lose the friendship. Do I just ignore the attraction? It's pretty damn strong. I guess I can just ignore it. I am probably lonely (but my counselor agrees it is still way too soon for me to think about "dating" (or whatever we call it here)...any thoughts? - Susan    



LordDominik -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 10:26:24 PM)

Hello susan,
 
First off, I want to offer My deepest condolences on your loss.  I can personally relate to losing someone close to you, regardless of the nature of the relationship and how that effects us as people.
 
Some might find it ironic how interesting a death is, in the way of how much it teaches us about life, our more specifically, our own lives.  In your case, even though you are still mourning, and part of you feels like it wants to shut down completly, it teaches us that life goes on, no matter what.  You can't stop feeling, or interaction, or attraction in whatever fashion, regardless of the circumstances. 
 
True, it may be too soon for you to consider any kind of a relationship on a romantic level, however that doesn't stop the feelings from happening.  Try to look at it from this perspective.  Even though it feels as if part of you is "dead", you are still VERY MUCH alive, and that life is going to continue with or without your concious input. 
 
It's completly natural to be attracted to someone, even so soon after the loss of a loved one.  That's human nature, and the way every one of us works.
 
My best advice to you is not to second guess yourself, or who you are.  You are coping with a very difficult time right now, and it's good that you have a friend to help you work through this.  Rejoice in the fact that you have someone close who can be there for you to lean on.  That's the kind of person we all need in times of crisis. 
 
Brightest Blessings
~ LD



NastyDaddy -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 10:27:12 PM)

Given that he already knows of your tragedy and adjustment period, letting him know you are sexually attracted to him should come of no surprise. Have you ever promised him your friendship would be friends only? I do not see it as a friend loser, he most likely understands your position and will either calm you down... or heat you up. If the sexual attraction is mutual, then you two figure out the best dynamic for you two.





 



UtopianRanger -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 10:27:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I have a weird thing happening inside my head. Any advice is appreciated.

I logged off CM in April becuase I knew I wasn't ready to be on here as an "active" member (my husband died of bone cancer in February, and even though our marriage was almost a complete ruin, I needed more time to recover emotionally from losing him. I was getting some nice letters from some really nice Doms, and didn't want to lead anyone on, so I decided to get some grief counseling (which I am doing and it's going well), log off as an "active" CM member, and become "active" at CM, say, this Fall, which I fully plan to do. I am really not ready to seek any kind of partner (or even a "friend" that could turn into a partner) - yet. I do really appreciate the friendship of one particular submissive guy's companionship, though (plus, he's waaay hot. I never thought I cared much about that kind of thing, but this guy is a hunk) - he lives where I do and we've become friends.

I thought I'd be safe e-mailing a Submissive guy in my home-town who'd reached out to me as a friend. He's completely a Submissive Male, no doubt about it. But he's been such a good friend (we've gone out to lunch a few times, talked on the phone, etc.), I've become physically attracted to him (he's cute. He's waaay Submissive, too, though) .

I definitely am a submissive and would need a Dom, when I decide to "look" for any kind of relationship. I am hopelessly submissive. This guy is so nice. But he's a Submissive.

What is wrong with me?!!! Am I crazy? I doubt I am a Switch - I never even fantasize about being one.

I don't want to let him know I feel this way  - I am afraid he'll freak out and I don't want to lose the friendship. Do I just ignore the attraction? It's pretty damn strong. I guess I can just ignore it. I am probably lonely (but my counselor agrees it is still way too soon for me to think about "dating" (or whatever we call it here)...any thoughts? - Susan    


Do what feels good for you.  I wouldn't sweat the labels or what anyone thinks. As I always say....put us all in the same room and brighten the lights, and all the labels will become insignificant.[;)]


Best wishes ; }



 - R



MasterR001 -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 10:32:58 PM)

Perhaps you two should seek a DOM/Domme couple to play with.



SusanofO -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 10:36:36 PM)

I appreciate the advice, guys. Thanks for the feedback.

I really respect this man as a person - which is why I am asking myself: Where could this lead - romantically or even sexually? He is never going to want to tie me up and whip me, etc. Nor I him. Maybe he won't freak out if I say something. Maybe I will tell him (maybe he already knows).

Maybe we could have "vanilla" sex? I just don't want anybody to get hurt (including me. That's why I logged off here in April). But maybe I should let him know - in a very light, non-threatening way - and see what happens. But I do know I crave to be dominated - and he isn't going to ever really be "into" that - even if I wanted it - I'd never want him to have to do something he plain didn't find fulfilling, I do care about his welfare that way. Guess this might be an ongoing case of "unrequited love"? He'd probably be flattered.

- Susan 



LordDominik -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 10:39:14 PM)

The question you have to ask yourself though is, do you think you're ready for a relationship of any kind?
 
~ LD



SusanofO -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 10:45:40 PM)

No. That's a  very good point (if my counsellor were here, she would hug you). My whole question really is moot. I may be attracted - but I am not ready to do anything about it (especially if I risk hurting this particular person - or anyone, for that matter). Thanks for reminding me. I am Not. Not at all. My head is still a mess, and I will totally screw up anyone I am with romantically right now - guaranteed.

I need to wait until about early October (that's what I and my counsellor are I "shooting for" as far as me getting back into any "dating scene (or whatever the hell we call it here)...although she has no idea I am into "kink" - I doubt if that makes a difference. I am hopelessly attracted to this guy, though. It's a pretty delicious feeling. I didn't think I'd be feeling anything like that again this soon. It's probably a good thing, as someone said. - Susan



LordDominik -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 10:51:38 PM)

I'm happy to help in any way that I can.  An objective opinion is always a good one.  If you need any other advice, or the ocassional reminder to not get ahead of yourself, just let Me know ;)
 
~ LD



foxglove716 -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 11:00:08 PM)

Hi Susan, my heart goes out to you for your loss.

You've met this sub guy who is probably warm and compassionate as subs tend to be. (okay, I'm biased, so what?) But maybe thats what you need right now. More likely than not, you're not going to change your orientation, and most definately not going to change his. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and are taking your time to work through things, and he sounds like a great guy, so why not explore? In the very least, you know what it is you're looking for when it comes to personality, now you just need to find that in a dom. It feels sometimes to me like playing a slot machine..... cherry... cherry... liberty bell! doh! So close!

Best of luck to you, I know you'll find what you're looking for



SusanofO -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 11:00:49 PM)

Thank you. I appreciate it, I truly do. I seriously am an emotional basket case right now (although I've gotten better since early Spring). I do things like burst into tears at the grocery store for "no apparent reason" (last week), and also am still depressed and having trouble keeping up with "regular things" like walking my dog and housework (anti-depressants help with that, though).

Not to dwell on that - things are indeed much better than they were. One BIG plus is that I am finally free of a hopelessly sexless, almost loveless, and stale marriage (and I doubt God will condemn me for admitting I do feel some relief in that regard, even though I did love my husband as much as I could. Our marriage was not fulfilling for me (and I doubt, for him either). Anyway - 

I think one major reason I have fallen for this guy is simply because I am pretty vulnerable right now. That isn't to demean him in any way - he is a wonderful person (and if I wasn't Submissive, I wouldn't even be asking myself this question - I'd just probably point blank tell him what I felt, in a "delicate" way). 

He's really "been there" for me - this is the kind of person I could call at 3a.m. and he'd answer the phone and talk for as long as necessary to calm me down. It's been a really long time since I had that in my life. I know when I am "more healed" I will find a Dominant who can and probably will do the same. But this guy is a real jewel of a person and I am lucky to call him my friend.   - Susan 



LordDominik -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 11:03:22 PM)

Well, you know how to get ahold of Me if you need another voice of reason to calm you ;)
 
~ LD



SusanofO -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 11:05:54 PM)

I know you are in Omaha. Thank you and I will feel free to contact you. - Susan



LordDominik -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 11:09:09 PM)

LOL, well I certainly don't expect you to come to Omaha.  But you're welcome to if you like.
 
~ LD



SusanofO -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 11:09:21 PM)

Thank you foxglove. Yes, I too, am a general fan of the Submissive Male (I don't mean to generalize, but most of them, I find, are the epitome of chivalry. Too bad they're not into spanking and whipping we submissive females, or life would be perfect, hehe. I'd beg him but that would probably turn him off (yes- I am joking. Okay, so it's a tasteless joke...). I might actually try that, though (but it might really backfire. I don't want to hurt him - he's too precious to me). I will let him know how I feel and see what develops. In any case, I will try to insure our friendship stays intact. I think he may already know I have a huge crush on him. I am not the kind of person who "hides" those kinds of feelings very well. I wonder what he thinks.
- Susan



Misstoyou -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 11:31:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I don't want to hurt him - he's too precious to me). I will let him know how I feel and see what develops. In any case, I will try to insure our friendship stays intact.



Best of luck in getting through this difficult period for you (and apparently he's helping [:)] ). Just a thought...there are happily married/partnered sub-sub couples on this site (some of whom have contacted me) who might be able to address your concerns. Okay, not many, I suppose, but still, there are some!



SusanofO -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 11:34:05 PM)

I am thinking too much (again) and am starting to get scared. I was married to a man for 15 years who wouldn't have sex with me for almost 10 of those years (he was heterosexual - I think he was probably either asexual or had ED (erectile dysfunction, and didn't care if it was treated). I am not attracted to homosexual men, so maybe I am wrong in what I am thinking BUT -

What if I am attracted to men who really don't want me sexually - out of pure life-style habit? I was, after all, married to someone who didn't want me for years. No, that can't be it. I was miserable when my husband ignored me that way (he ignored me in almost every way, actually). Maybe I just like this guy because he's nice and he's Hot. Maybe it's that simple. I better go to bed before I fry my own brain about this. Thanks, everyone for the feedback. - Susan 



SusanofO -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/20/2006 11:43:28 PM)

I didn't know that. Is that what the term Sub-sub couple means? (What a stupid question Susan, of course that's what it means)! I've seen that in some profiles listed as far as what people are "seeking". It means both people are Submissive?
They're together because they care about eachother, though. This means, I assume, they both probably seek what they need outside their relationship (fine with me). Perhaps I will find one of them and contact them to see what it is they do and how they work that out. Out of curiosity, if nothing else. Thanks for the tip.
- Susan 



SusanofO -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/21/2006 12:57:41 AM)

I realize it's late, but I can't sleep. I think I figured out why I like this guy so much. 
Whether a person is a Dominant or not is of course (I suppose) important in my particular case. But, I remembered - the one thing that will make me putty in someone's hands - that will make me absoultely melt every time (like there have even been "times", he he (there haven't really. Well okay once for a few months, a year actually, I had a Dom. I can hope sometime in the next few months it would happen anyway. I am not ready now). But - I did figure out my "attraction" to this man. The one thing I absolutley am a sucker for - every time I am getting to know someone (not that it's happened more than twice, and the second time I never acted on the attraction, but anyway) - 

This guy is just sooo KIND to me. Kindness and understanding - are at the top of my "needs" list I guess. If someone is KIND and just let's me cry into their big furry chest about whatever is wrong and then strokes my hair and tells me "it all will be okay, don't worry, etc.", I absolutely melt. I am a big-time sucker for KINDNESS (at least in the beginning of  a relationship.My deceased husband was once kind to me).

Okay, so I didn't cry into anyone's furry chest (it doesn't even have to have fur) this time. But I dreamed about it (that counts, right?)

**Problem is - after that's done, I want them to tie me up and whip the dickens out of me, spank me and make me beg for more, and humiliate me.

And - unless I miss my guess - that is not likely to happen here (unless someone is "doing me a favor", which is a nice thought, but I don't really want that for them (or me). I want them to be very happy also). I wonder how Sub-sub couples do it? (make their relationships "work"). I know I will still, ultimately, seek a Dominant. 
I am simply curious. - Susan  



fullofgrace -> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? (6/21/2006 1:11:39 AM)

*hugs* i just wanted to let you know that i'm thinking of you in this time of loss, and that i can somewhat relate to your sub/sub situation...i have been heavily attracted to a really dear friend of mine, a submissive male, since before i met the man i am with now. it's led to some heavy makeout sessions, and even a bit further, but we talked about it almost from the beginning we realized we had a lot of chemistry and due to situational things (his lack of desire for a relationship, his impending relocation in august, and my lack of desire for anything but a d/s 24/7 relationship) we decided it was best just to stay friends, with perhaps the occasional makeout session, and never go further.

it seems to me that it might be good for you to let your friend know what's going on in your head, but maybe due to the fact that you're not really ready for a relationship (and that anything physical might add to the issues surrounding your grief and your need to not be in a relationship) not pursue anything beyond friendship. still, it might help you just to talk it out with him, and this way it's not something you're thinking about a lot but can't say anything about.

i also know...from experience...that after a long period of not having affection or care, ANY affection or care can seem like It. so be careful there. *hugs* it's nice that you have that, but you can have that and just be friends...and it doesn't mean you won't find a dominant that is affectionate, caring, and kind, either.



Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
2.929688E-02