So, I have this dominant side.... (Full Version)

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Lucifyre -> So, I have this dominant side.... (2/18/2013 2:58:08 PM)

Mr and I communicate a lot. Probably to the extent of beating a dead horse over some subjects. one of those subjects we have frequented over the last 20 years is my dominant side. I "claim" to be a switch when we are out in the community, but frankly at least in the actual physical experience arena I personally don't feel it to be true. I submit to Him and Him alone and with everyone else I encounter in the world I either project myself as equal or dominant toward depending on the situation and the company.
I would really like to explore this other side of myself. The thing that's holding me up though is the fear that my inexperience (as in weilding toys etc) will get in the way. I am afraid of harming someone in a bad nonconsentual kind of way (not intentional of course...but I'm a clutz) And of course there's my ego ;) I don't want to do anything that's going to make me look stupid and scare anyone interested in a potential relationship with me off. I feel my social awkwardness can be a bit overwhelming sometimes so instead of talking about this to anyone in our community, I sit and smile like an idiot and keep it all in my head.

My question for the group is:

If I were to post an ad along the lines of Physically inexperienced Domme seeking experienced submissive to teach me or something along those lines...how would you see it? What would your reactions be? I'm not looking to go ProDomme, I just want some experience and maybe a play partner on the /s side of the kneel.
Of course there are other things I'm looking for as well, but this is seperate from that entirely.
Do any of you have any words of wisdom as to what to put into an ad like that?

Luci



DarkSteven -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/18/2013 4:47:14 PM)

First:

1. Are you looking for a male or female sub?
2. How aware is your Master about this?
3. Would this be just your sub, or would he be Dom over the sub as well?

Second:

You're way overthinking this. You're basically a new Domme. So go to lectures, demos, etc., and learn. Start off with simple bondage and spanking before you go to single tails and suspension bondage. Go to play parties and scene with friends.

The only hitch is that you need your Master fully on board first. Simply let him know what you're doing.



Lucifyre -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/18/2013 5:04:41 PM)

He is fully aware and on board. I guess I didn't spell it out above...we really do talk about everything, including things I am intereted in doing. As far as male or female subs...for what I want to do (learn, learn, and learn some more) it doesn't really matter if they are male or female. I'm kind of looking for someone who is willing to let me learn on them and give me good feedback as I am learning. Not neccessarily looking for a sub as much as I am a bottom who is willing to "test dummy" for me...or something.
I do go to munches and the local dungeon and the classes when I can. I have all the "I've watched it happen" experience (20 years worth) now I want the hands on stuff if that makes sense. The reason I had asked about an ad though is it is much easier to type out what I'm looking for and have people read and respond to it than it is to approach personally. That way they are responding to exactly what I'm asking for rather than expecting a different kind of relationship out of being social with me (dunno if that came out right, but it's working in my head LOL)

You're probably right, I probably am overthinking it, but that's what I do...I think a thing out until I can't think anymore and then I ask questions :P

Luci ;)



LaTigresse -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/18/2013 7:14:36 PM)

If I was in your shoes.........I would look for a local dominant person, interested in some of the same things as I, to spend time with in addition to what you've discussed.



theRose4U -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/18/2013 7:53:16 PM)

Many tools can be used on pillows first. Make sure they are ones you don't particularly care get split open. From being a sub you should have some ideas on what works (or doesn't) from the sensations you have experienced.

Most public play groups have the "resident bottom" usually about self serving play/sensation & just want to be invited. While I personally would consider this person the worst possible partner, they usually aren't looking for anything but play. So voila crash test dummy. Start small, paddles, restraints, equipment that's easy to control & move up from there. Crops are easy until you wrist flick too hard & split skin or leave welts, floggers & canes same deal. Only until you can reliably hit the same spot with the same pressure should you move on to crash dummy.



LadyPact -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/18/2013 8:19:47 PM)

Hi Luci.

What you are describing here is very similar to the situation that we dealt with when MP decided he would like to learn to top. (Except for the part that he identified as submissive. He was rather nilla when this first came up.) He recognized that there was a lot to learn from Me.

You don't always need a test dummy to start out. There's lots you can do before bringing another person in.
And, you know, it's kind of fun. You get to spend lots of time together. Learn. Laugh. All of that good stuff. It's pretty cool.



LookieNoNookie -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/20/2013 6:09:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucifyre

Mr and I communicate a lot. Probably to the extent of beating a dead horse over some subjects. one of those subjects we have frequented over the last 20 years is my dominant side. I "claim" to be a switch when we are out in the community, but frankly at least in the actual physical experience arena I personally don't feel it to be true. I submit to Him and Him alone and with everyone else I encounter in the world I either project myself as equal or dominant toward depending on the situation and the company.
I would really like to explore this other side of myself. The thing that's holding me up though is the fear that my inexperience (as in weilding toys etc) will get in the way. I am afraid of harming someone in a bad nonconsentual kind of way (not intentional of course...but I'm a clutz) And of course there's my ego ;) I don't want to do anything that's going to make me look stupid and scare anyone interested in a potential relationship with me off. I feel my social awkwardness can be a bit overwhelming sometimes so instead of talking about this to anyone in our community, I sit and smile like an idiot and keep it all in my head.

My question for the group is:

If I were to post an ad along the lines of Physically inexperienced Domme seeking experienced submissive to teach me or something along those lines...how would you see it? What would your reactions be? I'm not looking to go ProDomme, I just want some experience and maybe a play partner on the /s side of the kneel.
Of course there are other things I'm looking for as well, but this is seperate from that entirely.
Do any of you have any words of wisdom as to what to put into an ad like that?

Luci


I see that you're "New and Improved".

I find that the first step.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/20/2013 6:15:06 PM)

Please don't post that ad, at least not HERE. You will get a million male subs after you, and there is no way to filter all of them.

Are you active in your local group?

I agree with LP, is there someone who can mentor you?

Right now you are going into this whole thing from a place of insecurity. Now, you know that is not how to begin as a dominant, don't you?

Get where you are secure with your desires, then look for a potential partner. And real life is WAAAAAAY better than online in terms of that whole thing.




RedMagic1 -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/20/2013 6:29:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucifyre
If I were to post an ad along the lines of Physically inexperienced Domme seeking experienced submissive to teach me or something along those lines...how would you see it?

I've done exactly that. Not in a profile, but in conversations. Example: there was a woman whose CM profile said she needed an expert rope top, no negotiation on that point, because she was a serious bondage bottom with lots of experience (and had photos of some fantastic ties). Fortunately, she also talked about her personality. I wrote her and said I liked x, y and z thing she said, but that my bondage skill was extremely low. We ended up playing. She was the one who handed me a baseball bat and asked me to use it one her -- I started a thread on baseball bat play a while back; she was the one who popped my cherry.

My point is this: she was used to "high end" BDSM -- heavy bondage and impact play. However, she was willing to trust me, and train me from below, because I was completely honest about my level of skill, and because I showed myself willing and able to learn from her.

Our situations are not the same, because you're female and presumably looking to top men (and also women). So perhaps you'll attract more "users" if you say "clueless newbie domme." But if your domme profile is about your personality and your interests, and you tell people in person/email/phone your level of skill and gauge their willingness to support your learning, I think you'll be fine.



Lucifyre -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/20/2013 8:49:26 PM)

The advice I am looking for is what kinds of things should I say when I post.
Chatte, I am a little bit insecure about this because frankly I don't want to hurt anyone (nonconsentually I mean) I realize I will make mistakes, but that's why I want to learn from someone who has extensive bottoming experience and is willing to give me feedback. Their gender doesn't really matter for what I'm wanting to do.
I'm actually a little shy about asking one of the local Dom/mes to mentor me. They won't be on the recieving end of my practice and won't be able to tell me what *this or that* feels like...only show me the mechanics of the action. That's all well and good, and I do have some people I can go to for that kind of advice, but I'd rather find a regular scene partner.
And believe me, I am well aware that r/l is way better than online *grin*...I just want to attract the potential person online because I can reach more people who might be interested than if I just speak to people individually. I don't mind weeding out the ones that aren't compatible or aren't local or I'm not interested in.

I'm having a hard time explaining. I think RedMagic1 got the idea a little more clearly though. I'm not saying you all don't want to give me good advice, I think I am having trouble getting what I'm looking for out is all.

Luci
(who should be in bed)



DreamsOfSpider -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/21/2013 8:17:42 AM)

Personally, I'm an experienced submissive, and I'd be delighted to help someone like you explore their dominant side.

Things I'd want to know:

That you'd done your homework. ("I've read 'SM 101' cover to cover, but I realize that's no subtitute for hands-on experience.")
That you'd practiced with your toys. ("I'm getting pretty good at hitting pillows, but they're not very forthcoming with feedback on what that feels like.")
What you were looking for, relationship-wise. ("I'm really just looking for a play partner at this point, not a potential romantic relationship.")

Hope that helps, and I hope you find someone!



HarryVanWinkle -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/21/2013 6:01:33 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucifyre
If I were to post an ad along the lines of Physically inexperienced Domme seeking experienced submissive to teach me or something along those lines


I think, if you were to post such an ad on CM, what would happen is that you would be inundated with responses, the vast majority from HNGs with no r/t experience.

If you're looking for somebody to teach you topping techniques, I think you'd do much better learning them from other dom/top types than you would from a sub/bottom type. An example. A few years back, I tried to teach a new top how to do CBT on me. I'm not the most well spoken person in the world in normal conditions. Under the influence of pain, I get positively non-verbal. Needless to say, me teaching her CBT techniques did NOT work.

I would recommend that you check out your local BDSM community, meet other dom/top types who you SEE doing the things you want to learn how to do and ask them to teach you. BDSM types, for the most part LOVE to teach. And a lot of types of play, there's really no better way to learn than HOT (Hands On Training.)



Andalusite -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/21/2013 10:05:06 PM)

Hi, Luci,
I found someone who I interacted with in a very similar way to your description of what you are looking for, through our local Scene. I was a fairly experienced Top, and had a submissive for 5 years way back when I was 18. However, I had been in a monogamous/BDSM-exclusive relationship as a submissive for a 3 years, and felt a little rusty, and specifically wanted to explore some new things. At the time I wanted to look for a playpartner, I was in a M/s relationship, and my Master was very supportive of my learning and playing with her. We wound up exploring some edgier play than I had done previously, both physically and psychologically, and I made a couple posts you might find helpful about the exploration, learning process, and safety concerns.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3255793/mpage_1/tm.htm
http://www.collarchat.com/m_2852355/mpage_1/key_needle/tm.htm#2852355
http://www.collarchat.com/m_2779046/mpage_1/key_co%252Dtop/tm.htm#2779046

Here are some things you and your partner should discuss ahead of time, before you start looking. Does he care whether your playpartner is male or female? What boundaries do they need on your BDSM and/or sexual interactions with that person? Do you plan to co-top together, or will they only play with you? Do you want a D/s relationship, or scene-based power/control, or just topping/sadism? If your emotions wind up getting more powerful, especially in a D/s and/or romantic sense, how will that affect your relationship with him?

I'm a big fan of co-topping when learning new techniques, especially somewhat edgier ones. It's more intimate than a formal class, and they can immediately correct if you make a mistake, and the interplay between everyone can be quite scrumptious. [:D] Is your partner able to teach you some of the skills you are interested, or would seeking out a couple who are involved with each other but willing to play with you and/or your partner be an option?

I had considered posting a "wanted" ad here when I first started looking. Like you, felt a bit overwhelmed about how to phrase it without attracting a bunch of people who would be in completely the wrong mindset for what I was seeking. I brought it up at one of the ladies' get-togethers, and that was how my playpartner and I wound up becoming involved with each other. It's been a while, but my rough-draft was something along the lines of, "I am looking for a regular playpartner, to smack,tie up, and take BDSM classes with. I'm not looking for a sexual or romantic relationship, but I do want someone I can hang out as with friends in vanilla ways as well." Obviously, I wound up not testing how effective it would have been, but it might serve as a starting point.[:D]




Lucifyre -> RE: So, I have this dominant side.... (2/22/2013 4:45:02 AM)

Ok, This is what I posted in my journal on the "other" site. (So I can edit as needed until it's good enough to post in individual groups)

quote:

I have been in this lifestyle for a long time. Almost 20 years in fact.
Something I have always known is that I have a strong dominant side.
I have not, until now, been much inclined to explore that side of myself due to quite a long list of life circumstances that have had absolutely nothing to do with my relationship.

**I am looking for a regular play-partner, to smack, tie up, practice skills on or with and take BDSM classes with in a Top/bottom type context. I'm not looking for a sexual or romantic relationship, nor am I looking to have a D/s or M/s style relationship with but I do want someone I can hang out as with friends in vanilla ways as well. I am looking for someone who will be able to give me verbal feedback without the constraints of a Mistress/submissive-slave mentality added to it.**

While I have seen quite a few different play styles over the years, I have not taken the opportunities to practice any of them on live people. My physical experience (aside from smacking pillows around with the floggers etc) in topping is very *very* limited. One could consider me a newbie Domme in that respect.

Though I am not specifically looking for a sexual or romantic relationship, I feel I must mention a couple of things...
I fell asleep during the "How to predict and dictate your future" class.
*I cannot predict how things will turn out, nor do I want to try.
I am bisexual AND polyamorous.
*your gender does not matter to me for what I am looking for above.
*only that you are a willing participant and open to various possibilities.
*As a new Top, I have some squick limits similar to my submissive limits
*(no blood, needles, knives, scat, piss play, minors, animals etc)
My Husband/Dominant is well aware and totally on board with my seeking out a bottom play partner. He doesn't have a submissive bone in His body and has no desire to fill that role for me (nor do I want Him to due to our dynamic)
While He is completely agreeable to being there to assist in mentoring my skills, however the feedback He is able to give in this is that of teaching over my shoulder, not under the paddle. While at this point my plan is NOT to co-top alongside my Husband, I again cannot predict the future. If a relationship of that type happens to develop between you and Him, I am completely Ok with that. In fact I insist hat you be willing to be at the very least, friends with Him. Things will be much smoother for all involved that way. I hide nothing from Him, especially another relationship, regardelss of the level of intensity.

Obviously there is much to be discussed and negotiated. If you happen to be someone who is interested in what I'm looking for above, please feel free to private message me.

Thanks for reading ;)

Luci


I want to thank you Andalusite....I specifically swiped a line to use from your post above AND you've sparked what I hope is a good idea as well. There is a Dommes group that meets in my area that I am going to start attending. I think there is actually a meeting this weekend in fact. So, I'll go join the group and have lunch or tea or whatever they do and sit and listen. Maybe in awhile I will be able to find a suitable mentor ;)

Thanks all!
Time to dust off the big girl panties and bitch boots and get my brave on!

Luci



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