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Hello from San Antonio - 2/19/2013 1:10:17 AM   
OrionDom


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/18/2013
Status: offline 		I put most of my relevant info in my profile and journal. Just wanted to introduce myself and become a part of this community.

Cheers!
Jack
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Hello from San Antonio - 2/19/2013 10:41:10 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to OrionDom)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Hello from San Antonio - 2/19/2013 3:52:36 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Welcome! Always nice to hear someone spent time on their profile & journal

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
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RE: Hello from San Antonio - 3/16/2013 4:18:54 PM   
OrionDom


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/18/2013
Status: offline 		Hi to everyone again.

I have returned to the forum for advice. I know I will be flamed by some for what I say. I can fade that heat, it comes with the questions.

So here we go...

I am on here as a married man looking for a BDSM relationship outside my marriage and without my wife's knowledge.

Before you respond let me explain the situation:
A) I have had these desires and fantasies for as long as I can remember, essentially all my life.
B) I have discussed this my wife and she has made it clear she does not want anything to do with it.
C) She was raised in a puritanical home and the concept of sex being "wrong" has been drilled into her.
D) I have waited 20+ years for her to change, but we have conducted our sex life as she wants it.
E) She has never really had an interest in sex and, although our relationship is fine, we have not had real sex in about 5 years.
F) She shows no interest in changing any of the above.

That is the bad stuff, now the good:
A) She is a wonderful mother to my kids.
B) She is not a drunk, drug addict, or any really bad things.
C) Because she is a good person, I don't want to hurt her by leaving her or asking her to let me pursue sex outside the marriage.

I know this:
A) Going outside my marriage to pursue what I want is a bad thing.
B) If she finds out, I will end up hurting her anyway
C) It is a selfish thing.
D) Based on most women's comments here and other places, they don't like it. It instantly causes trust issues. And don't want to have anything to do with me.

Now, you have most of the facts in your hands. I would like to know:
What YOU believe YOU would do?
What you may have done in similar circumstances?
Am I just SOL on my dreams and fantasizes?

I am reaching a pinnacle of frustration and I would really like to hear some constructive advice.

Thanks in advance.
Jack (Orion)

_____________________________

Looking...looking...ok, still looking....(am I on mute?)...

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: Hello from San Antonio - 3/16/2013 4:25:24 PM   
animaltrainer69


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline 		How much do you value your family and marriage, can you find someone you can trust to be discrete also?

(in reply to OrionDom)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Hello from San Antonio - 3/16/2013 4:25:58 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		No sex in five years? I'd explain that if sex isn't part of the marriage, she can expect a trail separation.

That said, I might schedule it so the kids would be out of the house first. How old are they?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to OrionDom)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Hello from San Antonio - 3/16/2013 5:38:06 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I didnt see you say that you loved her.

If the kids are old enough to handle it, you might look at divorce.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to OrionDom)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Hello from San Antonio - 3/16/2013 6:17:30 PM   
muhly22222


Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline 		I think the real question here is...can YOU be happy with her and with your life continuing on it's current path?

If not, you need to make a change. You seem to be saying that your wife isn't interested in changing anything. That leaves you with one option...separate and/or divorce.

It's not about the sadness of a relationship ending. It's about two people who are, for whatever reason, no longer able to each achieve the most happiness while with each other creating a happy family that lives in two homes. You don't sound like you harbor any ill will towards your wife, so that's the way you need to approach the issue, if that's the step you take.

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Hello from San Antonio - 3/16/2013 6:30:10 PM   
OrionDom


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/18/2013
Status: offline 		Thank You for all of the replies!!!

Believe me, many, many sleepless hours have been spent in contemplation of divorce, separation, or cheating.

For what ever misguided reasons, I have not reached the point of divorce or separation yet. I know it would destroy her. Although I might not have the love I once had for her, I am not calloused enough to pull the string on that package yet,

Therein lies the rub. I am not willing to divorce her, but I am willing to cheat on her (if I could every find someone that is). Trust me, I know how mealy-mouthed this all sounds.

It just seems that there should be a solution that leaves us both getting what we want. I know, I know, "Let us know how that works out for you."



_____________________________

Looking...looking...ok, still looking....(am I on mute?)...

(in reply to muhly22222)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Hello from San Antonio - 3/16/2013 8:29:28 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		Let me answer you by quoting something I posted here years ago. It was a reply to someone who, like you, wanted to know if they had the right to cheat if the spouse wouldn't fulfill their desire for a BDSM relationship.

Life is not always fair. However, choices must be made, and when those choices are made we must do our best to accept that although life is not fair, one needs to do the best they can do after making those choices.

I was in a similar, although not same situation as you. My choice was to remain in the marriage. There were duties i felt i owed to him. He knew about my desire to explore the lifestyle, even gave me permission to do so. However, for me it would not have been right/fair to take this need of mine to real time even though there was little love left between us. Many years went by. Then there came a day of ultimate submission. I remember kneeling at his feet to wash his body. The odor was not pleasant, but as i washed him he leaned over, took a sniff, and said, "that soap smells so good." That was as great a feeling as any "good girl" i could receive. Then i dressed him in clean clothes and called the ambulance. Awhile later i stood at the foot of his bed in the ER. A few years before i had faced a similar situation. I could let him go, or sign papers for surgery that might extend his life. That time i chose life. This time i did as i had promised him and turned to the doctor and said, "Let him go." You see, i stayed in a basically loveless marriage to say those words. He needed me there to say the words. It was my duty as a submissive woman.

Our need to submit can manifest itself in many ways. The typical way is to find a strong Dominant we trust and offer that submission. However, that is not the only way. We can offer personal submission....submission that we offer from our inner self... submission for which we will not receive any appreciation...no pat on the head with the words "good girl"....submission where the words choice, duty, right, communication, honesty, and fair all come into play.

You have a choice. You could choose to be natural dominant within your existing relationship or you can choose to be a cheater with excuses about what is fair.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to OrionDom)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Hello from San Antonio - 3/17/2013 9:17:14 AM   
OohAahMrs


Posts: 7723
Joined: 7/14/2010
Status: offline 		Welcome or.

_____________________________

You may choc the choc.........Oh forget it......

(in reply to OrionDom)
Profile   Post #: 11
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