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One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 3:38:27 AM

scottishgirl

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/14/2011
Status: offline

I'm 18 months into seeking a dominant, and hopefully Master. Now, I'm in the backwoods, so there are not many to choose from, but I'm running into a big problem.

I meet a promising man, we have a good first meeting, maybe we play, maybe we shag, maybe we don't. But all seems rosy, future meetings are discussed, the next date.

And then they piss off. They just go, they never return. Even the ones where our connection was sparking.

I don't get it, I don't understand. My emotional reserve is now draining because I'm beginning to expect it and I'm getting guarded in a 'good' meeting for fear of it.

So, what's happening? Am I frightening them off? Are they all too shy? Do they all want a quick shag / play / post-meeting wank, and then they're happy until the next girl?

One time wonders, why do you do it? Why do you say all is good, and then run away? Is it because you only wanted a booty call? If so, please say so, save the heartache.

Elle

Post #: 1

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 3:56:43 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Let me try to field this one. I had a look at your profile, and it's entirely kink/fantasy oriented. Your primary and only pic is of your ass with a crop. IMO It's a great ass and I enjoyed the view immensely. I wouldn't mind having a go at it with my crop -- if you were MY submissive. But the chances of you becoming that are nil based on your profile online. (Sorry, didn't check to see if you're bi, but for the purposes of my reply, that doesn't matter.)

You come across as someone who wants a quick play session and some hot sex. You say *nothing* about who you are, about what you want in a relationship, about what you are willing to offer to a dominant. This is why you are attracting doms who just want a quick shag a/o play scene, that appears to be all you are offering.

Do you get to know these men well enough to know if they are married a/o attached, or do you meet up and go straight to the hotel?

Whatever you are doing, I'm willing to bet you come across too needy and too desperate, and most men can't stand that. There is also in your profile the suggestion that you are so wild and need someone to tame you. Most doms don't want to 'tame' a sub, they want one who can be inspired to obey.

You are 46 years old and having issues forming even the beginnings of a relationship after you meet someone. You should know by now it's time to take a deep close look at what you are projecting and non-verbally communicating. Because yes, it's all about you, despite the gorgeousness of your ass.

Is it possible you're relying on your sexy body and forgot to develop a pleasing personality? I'm actually not trying to be mean here, just pointing out some things for you to think on.

ETA: I forgot to add, *most* men will be willing to meet up with you based on that ass pic alone, even if you don't come across that great. And if your ass matches the rest of our body, *most* men (not all) will be willing to play or fuck on the first meet, even if they know they are not attracted to you in other ways, and it can never go anywhere.

And yes, of course they say everything is great, it's gets them out of having to have a negative conversation with someone they just fucked or played with and don't want to see again. It's not in the least uncommon for men (or women) to disappear after a first meet if their expectations have not been met.

Welcome to internet dating.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 2/19/2013 4:03:15 AM >

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RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 3:59:18 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I'm not sure that anyone can answer this question though because we'd have to know you and some of the guys you are dating.

It could be that for whatever reason you are picking flaky guys. It could be that you are saying or doing something which is offputting. It could be that some of them were just wanting a shag, and having got that, moved on. You could just be having a really bad run of luck. It's impossible to judge without seeing these dates in action.

If it upsets you, perhaps you should make a firm rule for yourself that you don't play or have sex on the first date. Some people can cope with one night stands and some can't. It sounds like you feel used. So don't do it. It won't guarantee that any of your dates will lead to a relationship, but at least it will solve that one problem.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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Post #: 3

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 4:03:12 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Replying a second time because I read your profile - Chatte is right.

You have a sexy picture up, and your profile talks about your sexual tastes and are open to casual things. There are a lot more guys out there looking for casual play and sex than women, so with a profile like that you can expect to attract them. Which is fine so long as you are enjoying yourself.

I have also met a lot of guys on here who use 'training' as a euphemism for 'I'll do kinky things to you but I don't want the responsibility of actually being your dom' so by stating you are looking for training you might also be giving people that message.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 4

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 4:43:45 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Well, looking for a Master is the same as dating. If you want something long term, then hold out for that. Search actively for the guys who are looking for the same thing, and don't say in your profile that casual play is ok. I'd have never gotten the impression from your profile that you were looking for a steady, long term relationship.

I know I have a tendency to get swept up in things, so I set myself up for success by treating BDSM relationships the same as any other relationship. I meet fairly soon to see if there is a connection, and I meet somewhere public and go home after- I tell the gentleman up front that this is what we are doing so there aren't any mixed messages. I also don't talk about intimate things with strangers; until I meet you, then you are a stranger for the most part.

In a regular dating relationship I wouldn't be discussing what we may do when we're naked before I've met the guy. I probably wouldn't be telling him, or having him tell me, what is a great way for either of us to have an orgasm - but let BDSM enter the picture and suddenly people jump over these boundaries on a first email and then you don't get them back- this is the base for a lot of bad decisions.

Could the men you've seen have been involved or married? Sounds like a strong possibility that they were if things went well and then they were gone. They got what they wanted. The men your age (and mine) tend more often to be married than not. These guys use BDSM as their wingman to get their hookups.

People bugger off, it's a hurtful fact of life. Try to get to know them a bit better beforehand, hold off on the sex, and present yourself as looking for something other than a casual fuck and see if things don't change. One thing is certain, if you don't invest as much into it by not getting naked with the man, then you won't feel quite so hurt if he disappears on you. One of the biggest things though if I were you, is that I'd explore more into whether or not you are talking to a married man from the start.

(in reply to scottishgirl)

Post #: 5

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 4:57:21 AM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

While, obviously, I have no knowledge of you or the guys that you date, in a very general manner, I think it could be a combination of things.

There are things that can be said that can "nag" at a person until the penny drops. I'll give an example from my past:

I was dating a young lady and her father called her. When she hung up, she said: "I hate talking to him. He's so negative!"

I asked: "Why do you keep talking to him? You're over forty. If it's time to cut the ties ..."

The very first words out of her mouth in her rather long reply were: "I want my money!" She went on to explain that she'd done a lot for him after her mom died and there was a sizable inheritence, when the time was right.

I didn't notice it, right away but that first statement coupled with what I noticed as selfish behavior turned me right off in a matter of weeks. Yes, we'd already had sex but it was NOT a case of Michael, just looking for some pussy.

That could be one of the factors or, you could be running into guys that are just looking for pussy. The issue is that people, in general, aren't honest. Guys have learned to be who they think a lady wants so that they can score. To be fair, the biggest lie I see, coming from ladies is "holding back complete honesty" and then it turns into a: "I love you. You're perfect. Now, change" scenario.

As I said; people, in general, have not figured out that being completely open and honest is the best way to ensure a truly good match with a potential partner. When they do, suddenly, things become a lot less muddied.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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Post #: 6

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 5:04:21 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Hi, scottishgirl. Welcome to the forums.

There's a rule in kink (and, yes, I've broken it myself) - never play on a first meet. Analogous to the vanilla "Never shag on a first date". It's entirely possible that men will disappear after the first date anyway, but you won't feel so put out about it.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 7

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 5:06:22 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

A dating truism is that men date looking for sex, and many say that want a relationship when really they don't, just to get the sex.

Women want a relationship, not just sex, but some have sex in the hopes it will lead to a relationship.

There is a huge disconnect between these two, and unless both can be honest about their real goals and their expectations, individuals are not going to connect for long.

Which is why I'm going to quote Michael's last line:

quote:

As I said; people, in general, have not figured out that being completely open and honest is the best way to ensure a truly good match with a potential partner. When they do, suddenly, things become a lot less muddied.

True words.

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RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 5:11:16 AM

TenderTorment

Posts: 304
Joined: 12/30/2012
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

Some pretty sound advice here already OP, My two pence worth is along the same lines.

1 - Fix your profile, it says little about you as a person. it reads as purely kink driven, this may stop those looking for anything with substance from contacting you in the first place.

2 - Look within, You are the only constant in these situations. You will never change the behaviour of those looking for a quick thrill but you can change how you handle those people.

Good luck

(in reply to scottishgirl)

Post #: 9

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 2:27:44 PM

TAFKAA

Posts: 382
Joined: 1/5/2013
Status: offline

If you're going to stick yourself in the 'casual play' market, that's exactly what you're going to get.

Here's a list of things which turn me off a woman's profile:

* Pictures of cunt or her mouth wrapped around a cock
* Referencing herself as a cunt, slut or whore.
* Treating herself like a commodity (which is what your profile does)

Basically, a guy will fuck many women he wouldn't even consider as a partner. If you want a relationship along with the kink, then have some self-respect.

And here's a clue - it's so idiotic that women don't get this - men are constantly judging you on your sexual behaviour. The only ones who don't are those who are desperate for pussy. The ones who say they don't are the ones looking to fuck you and nothing more.

Stop treating yourself as a commodity, develop some self-respect. Nothing turns a guy off more quickly than neediness and being easy.

For reference: "my appetite is big and 'casual' play relationships are good too." = "I want a relationship but I'm horny and need to be fucked".

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Post #: 10

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 2:43:58 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

* Pictures of cunt or her mouth wrapped around a cock
* Referencing herself as a cunt, slut or whore.
* Treating herself like a commodity (which is what your profile does)

And these are some of my favorite things

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RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 2:44:54 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33o32C0ogVM

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RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 5:06:13 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

Well..I guess it is good to hear that there are users on both sides,of the pond. There is a reason everyone warns about entering a physical relationship (whether vanilla sex or a kinky one)...the chances of getting hurt are very real

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Post #: 13

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 5:34:51 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

Everyone has already said what it was that I was thinking. I find myself agreeing with TAFKAA. If you are wanting a relationship, OP...perhaps you might want to think a bit about how what you say you want and how you present yourself differ. I tend to be turned off as well by the easy lay. Dont get me wrong....the easy part is always welcome so long as there is exclusivity that comes with that easiness once a relationship with the person is established

But in the beginning, if someone is essentially offering their genitals to me on a silver platter within minutes of meeting them for the first time, it skeeves me out because then I start wondering just how prolific their dating life has been before I met them.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 14

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 5:43:43 PM

absolutchocolat

Posts: 1392
Status: offline

Treat CM like you would any dating site. Be forthright about what you want in a partner, and not just sexually. Post some pictures of yourself with clothes on and stop advertising yourself as a plaything. Any woman can be a cum bucket; put some vanilla into your profile and maybe you will snag a partner that lasts for more than one fuck session.

Also, be confident in what you have to offer a man. If you think the only thing that is golden about you rests in between your thighs, then of course men will view you as a hole to play in. When you offer your mind and soul to a man, he will look past the physical and become interested in you as a person. Good luck to you, honey.

(in reply to scottishgirl)

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RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/19/2013 6:53:59 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

Treat CM like you would any dating site. Be forthright about what you want in a partner, and not just sexually. Post some pictures of yourself with clothes on and stop advertising yourself as a plaything. Any woman can be a cum bucket; put some vanilla into your profile and maybe you will snag a partner that lasts for more than one fuck session.

Also, be confident in what you have to offer a man. If you think the only thing that is golden about you rests in between your thighs, then of course men will view you as a hole to play in. When you offer your mind and soul to a man, he will look past the physical and become interested in you as a person. Good luck to you, honey.

Well, said.

I will simply add that if you lead with your sexuality in your profile, by words and pictures, then guys in it just for sex is what you will attract.

You aren't a naive teenager anymore. Looking for a BDSM relationship is no different than looking for any other. If a man tells you he wants to play on a first date or seems to be trying to instill a dynamic before you get to know each other, don't give in to him.

(in reply to absolutchocolat)

Post #: 16

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/20/2013 12:21:01 AM

scottishgirl

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/14/2011
Status: offline

Great advice, thank you all so much.

It was a hard lesson to learn, but now I can see the truth: I was asking for the treatment I got. Silly me....

Time to change and get real, then!

Elle

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 17

RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/20/2013 1:14:46 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Good for you! Remember, finding a partner for BDSM isn't all that different than vanilla. You meet, get to know each other, and if that goes well, you start moving on to a committed relationship. Don't let any dominant tell you that as a sub, you must do anything on that first meet. You own you and you deserve to give you to someone who is worthy of you.

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RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/20/2013 5:57:56 AM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

Wow. The thread worked.

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RE: One date wonder doms who never return - 2/20/2013 10:29:58 AM

Thaz

Posts: 617
Joined: 4/28/2012
Status: offline

it did indeed. Just looked at your profile OP, I havent see you're old one so I cant compare. This one however does not scream 'USE ME AND FORGET ME'

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Post #: 20

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