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NoCalOwner -> RE: Playing with others (11/9/2004 12:24:14 PM)
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I think that there is more than one way to look at playing with others. One is, as mentioned, the fact that a lot of people start playing with others as the beginning of the end of a relationship. They feel bored or unfulfilled, etc. They shift their focus to others, then drift apart. This probably accounts for the bulk of people who adopted "open marriage" at some point.
Then there is the opposite. There are couples who have been together for years, where both parties realize that sex can be merely sex, and doesn't necessarily mean a thing. They have total, unshakable confidence in their bond. Their sexual relationship is fantastic, and neither party doubts their ability to satisfy the other completely. They will be together for life, and no forseeable event is going to have any impact at all. To them, hanging out with their partner while the partner plays with one or more other people isn't stressful at all, it's pleasant. It's just like hanging out with them while they were getting a massage or eating a good meal. There may be vicarious enjoyment, but there is no jealousy.
Once puberty hits and the hormones get cranking, people can get awfully passionate about those they're sexually interested in. With this usually comes the desire to possess the other person, and the insecurity, worry and jealousy that go along. When I was your age, or a decade older for that matter, I couldn't really overcome those feelings. I still considered sex to be the thing which made my primary relationship unique, and that I'd stop being special if I were not the only sexual partner. With age, experience, security in the relationship, and less raging hormones this is no longer a problem.
If the two of you had been together for several wonderful years, you might be able to play with others quite happily. My impression is that the relationship is not that solid, and that you are not feeling 100% like that special, unique person who will be the center of her life forever. Other people are not the problem. The feelings -- hers and yours, and the differences between them -- are the problem.
If you really do want to make a go of it, I'd propose that you discuss things some more and come up with rules which really do not bother you. Here are some that I or people I know have used. They aren't necessarily anything great, they're just to get you thinking about the possibilities. All of the following rules were used by MF couples.
1) If you don't feel threatened by girls, and your gf is bisexual, you might want to leave the FF thing as a fairly unrestricted area. Everything should still be safe, of course!
2) If the things which you can't see worry you more than the things that you can, maybe you should have an "always play together" rule. A lot of couples seem to like that. It also means that worries about whether safety measures will be followed, about whether a play partner is trustworthy, etc., all fade away. You will always be able to make sure that your gf is safe and happy, and that your rules are being respected.
3) If #1 and #2 work for you, but still leave you a little fidgety, you might consider an "everybody shares" rule, i.e. your gf and you play with other girls, together. This eliminates most play opportunities, but she might consider it, at least as a trial.
4) I've known couples who had rules designed at avoiding any and all emotional attachments outside of the relationship. Rules like "fucking is one thing, but you may not kiss a member of the opposite sex, since that falsely suggests affection." Or allowing sex only with partners who live hundreds of miles away, whose full name and contact info is unknown. There are lots of ways to isolate play from emotional ties. You could even use one or more blindfolds if you like, and leave her never knowing who it was that had done whatever to her -- the ultimate in emotional detachment.
Of course, all of the above can also be applied to forms of play which are less than clearly sexual.
Good luck on getting things worked out. I do think that you may work through your jealous tendencies one day, but suspect that the exact circumstances you're facing at the moment are less than ideal. Far from impossible, but challenging. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.
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