RE: Jealousy and acceptance (Full Version)

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Dyfrynt -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/26/2013 7:39:38 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


Oside is short for Oceanside, CA. We used to live in North County San Diego.



Ah. Thank you! My equivalent would be TBMan (Tampa Bay), but somehow the connotation seems all wrong! ;)

As an aside, I have been on CollarMe in various incarnations on and off since 2005, and you are one of the few I have seen remaining from those days. Level is another that comes to mind that is till here. Haven't seen a lot of others. So bravo!



Dyfrynt -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/26/2013 7:56:55 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

I would love to swing or have a third, but I am insecure and jelouse, yes.

My biggest insecurity is he would like the sex with her better than me and prefer to fuck her more than me. Or do things to her that hes refused or,shown no interest in doing to me.



Tfb, those are probably two of the biggest issues that can crop up. That one person pays too much attention to the new person in the group, at the expense of the other; and that they will do things with the new person that they never would do with you. These were two of my wife's stipulations, and I would have done my best to honor them anyway even if they were not.

As for the sex insecurity, I get it. For me making love (as I really don't have any interest in just having sex) with different women is not a better than or worse than situation. If you are a dancer you know that no two dance partners are the same. Each person you dance with brings their individual energy, personality and vitality to the dance. The more dance partners you have, the more you can enjoy the myriad pleasures of each person that is individual to them.

Making love is the same for me, only on an incredibly deeper, meaningful level. Each person brings their own individual uniqueness. It isn't a matter of better or worse. It is a matter of different.

I'm not suggesting that poly is for everybody. There are many people who are simply wired for monogamy. Nothing in the world wrong with that.



Dyfrynt -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/26/2013 8:20:37 AM)

Having lauded the joys of poly, it seems only fair to mention some of the dangers.

Many men (and yes some women) will use the poly family as an excuse to get around the "no cheating" rule of a relationship. They know good and well that they are not interested in poly, they want an arrangement to allow them to bang another woman. You have to know your man and that is easier said than done. So many of my female friends "thought" they knew their guy, and turned out to be SO wrong, it's as if they were wearing blinders. Unfortunately a lot of times they were.

The best test of a person's character is if their words match their actions. If they say they will do x, but they constantly do y, that should be a dire warning. But if someone says they will do x and they actually DO x. And this pattern is repeated time and time again over the course of a relationship, that makes a fairly strong case that they can be trusted; what they are asking for is genuine.

That doesn't mean it is right for you. You could have the most honest guy in the world asking for a poly relationship, but if you are monogamous, you are monogamous. End of story. However if you are not strictly monogamous and just have fears, the above can go a long way towards alleviating those fears.

The other major downside to poly is the new person in the mix getting far too much of the attention at your expense. This can happen even if the people involved want a poly relationship. It is an easy trap to fall into and a lot of people do it not because they are unaware of the inequity, but because they are not willing to be responsive to making it right.

A whole lot of good communication is the only answer for an issue such as this. Too many times, the individual being slighted just pouts and stews in silence. That is just the very worst thing you can do. You must bring up your feelings about this kind of situation. If the guy is responsible he will acknowledge the inequity and do something about it. If he seems incapable of correcting the situation, or if he tries for a time then falls back into the old habit, the poly relationship is not going to work.

Well I believe I have hijacked this thread for long enough for one day!



autumnember -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/26/2013 8:44:31 AM)

For me, it isn't the sex that i am insecure about. It is the availability of intimacy... true intimacy... that concerns me.
I worry that my mate would love someone more than me and eventually evict me from the relationship.
I have found that there are VERY few successfully polygamous groups...less so than successful monogamous relationships.



breagha -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/26/2013 11:43:52 AM)

my first lifestyle relationship was poly. my former and his girl added me to their dynamic. it was initially her idea. things went really well for a long time ( total time in the relationship was 5 years ) but after a while she became less interested in the bond with me ( which lead me to believe that she did this for him only not because she wanted it ) until the day came that she became threatening toward me. a few months after that i was dismissed. i now understand why it all happened as it did but at the time i was devastated. it took me a very very long time to learn to trust and to want to be in another relationship that was M/s in nature.

i think it is because of this incident that i hold poly as a limit. He will push that limit if he chooses to and i honestly am not sure what i would do if he does. Thankfully it hasn't been an issue.



LillyBoPeep -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/26/2013 10:06:25 PM)

I'm not interested in it, in a relationship sense. It can be fun, sometimes, to play around with other people, but I don't really have a desire to have big open relationship space with other people.
It just always becomes problematic, in my experience. One person isn't being honest, or NO ONE's being honest, or someone's in it for the wrong reason, or just going along, etc etc.
I dunno - I've just rarely seen this big poly utopia that it's often set out to be, mostly by poly people trying to prove their superiority at having ascended beyond the bounds of jealousy, blah blah blah. =p

It's not about jealousy for me, it's about something just being simple and comfortable. and poly as a relationship, in my experience, has just never been comfortable.



RaspberryLemon -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/27/2013 1:53:14 AM)

I am hard wired to be strictly monogamous. I need to be my Master's one and only, valued above all others, without want for any other women. Because that's what he is to me--my one and only. My everything. I couldn't be with someone who didn't value me in the same way. And I just couldn't accept or settle for having his romantic attentions divided from me; I do get jealous.

We believe a certain amount and manifestation of jealousy can be healthy. Of course, this doesn't necessarily apply in all relationships, but for us it's nice to see a little possessiveness. Just another thing that makes us feel desired, needed, valued, etc. If jealousy started causing problems or resentment or became hurtful to us in any way I could no longer consider it a healthy level of jealousy, but as it stands the way it manifests itself in our relationship is a good thing.

For me, any situation where I wasn't his one and only--whether it be relationship-wise or even only purely sexually--would be hurtful. It wouldn't be sustainable or healthy. We are both comfortable and happy where we are now, completely monogamously.

What really bothers me is when some advocates of poly arrangements sort of "talk down" to the idea of monogamy--as if it is wrong or bad in some way, and that those who practice it are only doing so from a place of immaturity/insecurity/negative energy. As Lilly put it, sometimes they are "trying to prove their superiority at having ascended beyond the bounds of jealousy." And I think that's wrong. Just as it is also wrong when monogamous people claim poly arrangements don't work or are immoral/unhealthy, etc. I think people love in different ways, and no way is "wrong"--it's just an issue of compatibility.



chatterbox24 -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/27/2013 6:17:18 AM)

Thank you for the replies, all very interesting.

I was sitting here thinking how I would feel about it myself, or how I think I would feel.

I think jealousy is a negative emotion to a point, but it also can be healthy. As long as it doesnt go to far, it can make you feel wanted, desired, needed. It also can make me really know that wow that person is really important to me. If I dont feel a bit of the green monster, basically I just don't care. Thats never a good sign.

I started the thread because I am always very interested and intrigued how people react to certain situations, relationships, and the thoughts behind them. IT also helps me answer questions about myself I really am not quite sure about.

I don't think I am a person who would be wired for poly. For me I think it would take away the "specialness" "the oneness" of the relationship. It would not bring the relationship to a higher level but do quite the opposite.(ALthough I admit I went thru the whole, rising above jealousy, higher level , better place theory) I think it would not only make me feel insecure but also in a competitive type situation, opening a pandora box of additional worries and fears that would complicate things, that wouldn't be there with just one person. ( I am talking a honest, healthy relationship) I just have a need to feel number one and adding another for me would cheapen the relationship for me. If I want someone to the mix on a regular basis, I am losing interest. FOr play, a lil excitment, that might be acceptable, and healthy.
I want to feel that "THis is complete and special"

For those rare poly relationships that are happy and fulfilled, where no one is just going along, and three isnt a crowd but company, I think thats pretty great everyone working together. Definitely requires a different mind set then what is typical in most of us.





xssve -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/27/2013 9:24:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

I don't like sharing my man, period. I don't like it when I'm not gonna be his one and only.
It's becoming more like religion, where his Jesus Christ and has to love everybody equally.
I stop feeling special. I hate it.

Lol, yeah, I can see that, I'm a bit of an attention whore myself. I like the idea of poly, but I think it's altogether a more complicated dynamic that not everybody is suited for.

And, I think its not even strictly about the sex, a dyad implies a very close interpersonal relationship and rapport between Two people - dating is a sort of poly, but there are not necessarily expectations of exclusivity like there are in a committed relationship.

I mean relationships break up over porn, which is a "relationship" with an abstract Two dimensional image, while poly is more like a complex network of interconnecting dyads between fully independent Three dimensional people in real time.



needlesandpins -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/27/2013 11:06:46 AM)

i've tried several times to answer this thread, and i just can't in any way that doesn't involve a load of waffle when trying to explain myself. so in short;

no i can not do it.

needles



LadyPact -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/27/2013 1:55:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

Thank you for the replies, all very interesting.

I was sitting here thinking how I would feel about it myself, or how I think I would feel.

I think jealousy is a negative emotion to a point, but it also can be healthy. As long as it doesnt go to far, it can make you feel wanted, desired, needed. It also can make me really know that wow that person is really important to me. If I dont feel a bit of the green monster, basically I just don't care. Thats never a good sign.

I started the thread because I am always very interested and intrigued how people react to certain situations, relationships, and the thoughts behind them. IT also helps me answer questions about myself I really am not quite sure about.

I don't think I am a person who would be wired for poly. For me I think it would take away the "specialness" "the oneness" of the relationship. It would not bring the relationship to a higher level but do quite the opposite.(ALthough I admit I went thru the whole, rising above jealousy, higher level , better place theory) I think it would not only make me feel insecure but also in a competitive type situation, opening a pandora box of additional worries and fears that would complicate things, that wouldn't be there with just one person. ( I am talking a honest, healthy relationship) I just have a need to feel number one and adding another for me would cheapen the relationship for me. If I want someone to the mix on a regular basis, I am losing interest. FOr play, a lil excitment, that might be acceptable, and healthy.
I want to feel that "THis is complete and special"

For those rare poly relationships that are happy and fulfilled, where no one is just going along, and three isnt a crowd but company, I think thats pretty great everyone working together. Definitely requires a different mind set then what is typical in most of us.
Correct Me if I'm wrong, but you are a married woman who was involved with someone prior, correct? To Me, that means that a Dominant man who would become involved in your life now would, in essence, be a secondary partner.

With the above in mind, this leads Me to think that you want somebody to accept you as their only relationship, while you have multiple ones. In other words, you want somebody to accept the exact thing that you are not willing to do. In your position, you would have to ask yourself why it's cool for the people in your life to have only you, but you don't want to be fully dedicated to them? Why should one of them be deprived of companionship while you spend time with the other?

Usually, when it comes to a married person that wants to engage with poly, such as for the reason that the spouse is not kinky and that's the primary purpose for being poly in the first place, the most equitable situation comes with two stipulations:

1. That the (vanilla) spouse has just as much right to seek an additional relationship as you do.

2. When looking for that person to engage in the secondary relationship, look for someone who also already has a primary relationship.

Call it the good for the goose is good for the gander theory.




ForeverGaia -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/27/2013 2:49:03 PM)

Interesting topic -

I am in a poly relationship with my Owner and his wife (who is completely vanilla and straight) and we manage to have a very compatible relationship that works on many levels. Whilst I would LOVE to be with my Owner's wife in an intimate sense, I am also happy for it to be as it is.
We both fulfill certain roles for my Owner, we are all aware of each other's privacy and respect each other (for example, I don't call my Master by title when she is around, nor demonstrate anything that is overtly submissive) - but she is aware of the dynamic of mine and my Master's relationship and accepts that too.

It's not so much the sex that I can get jealous about, it's the lack of time. My Owner is already a busy man and then he has to juggle two women as well. Can't say I envy that position at all! He is very good at ensuring that we both feel loved, that we both have enough time with him, and that we all spend time together.

It was hard coming in as a secondary to a primary relationship (though of all my poly experiences, I have always been the secondary to a primary relationship) - but only because it was about learning to live with new people and how I fitted into the household and the already pre-existing dynamic. My Owner's wife and I love each other very much and I think it just takes maturity and communication to ensure that you understand that there are other relationships at play, and that yours isn't the only, or the most important one.

Gaia.



LookieNoNookie -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/27/2013 3:25:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ClassAct2006

How many husbands do I get?


How many do you want?



OsideGirl -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/27/2013 3:36:34 PM)

I was thinking the same thing, LP.

Being poly offers a solution to us.

I'm bi. I'm actually geared more towards women than men. I've had a relationship with a woman and would love to do so again. Having a third in our relationship satisfies both of our desires. It's a win/win/win.



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/27/2013 3:47:49 PM)


Did you and your wife ever get to the point of swinging or a third? what happened?


quote:

ORIGINAL: Dyfrynt


Tfb, those are probably two of the biggest issues that can crop up. That one person pays too much attention to the new person in the group, at the expense of the other; and that they will do things with the new person that they never would do with you. These were two of my wife's stipulations, and I would have done my best to honor them anyway even if they were not.




Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/27/2013 4:44:55 PM)


In this case he gives me all his time, there's not a spare moment we have to be together, that we're not. But he frequently tells me he is not in the mood, to depressed to tired yada yada, and we regularly would go a whole year with very little bdsm or sex. It's getting better now, but that track in my head will take time.
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

It's what he does everyday that equals love and intimacy. I'd be more jealous of time, than sex.
In this ca



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