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njlauren -> RE: When you know they have been hurt before.... (3/1/2013 1:30:28 PM)
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I think people have offered some wise ideas, specifically wickedad and Lady Pact. I am coming from this from a slightly different angle, because my experience with this had nothing to do with scene play, but it deals with someone with abuse. My wife (past and future Lady/Domme..) was abused about as horribly as a child can be, both sexual and physical and emotional, and you don't really know how bad it is until they start healing from it or you start seeing why weird shit happened the way it does, and it is powerful. When my wife was working on it, I literally had to hold her up after her sessions were done (I wasn't in them, I was in the waiting room), it was as scary and aweful thing (and if the people who had done this to her had been in this country, I flat out will tell you, I very well could have killed them for what they did, and I am not a violent person). At the time I talked to the therapist we were using and a consulting psychiatrist and asked if role playing and such would help, to re-enact what had happened (again, nothing to do with D/s, among other things, I am sub), and they both told me no fucking way, that I didn't know what I would be facing, that i could see someone literally melt down and go totally psychotic or worse.
I can't tell you in this specific case what to do, nor would I, even if I were a therapist. But while people can and do use scene play to work stuff out, I quite honestly think it could be risky with your boy, whom you obviously care about. You don't know the scope of what happened or the damage, and you could quite honestly end up hurting him worse. I am talking from a different position, and while we never roleplayed, I did see the kind of reactions they are talking about, and I still have nightmares about it, it is probably as ugly a thing as you could ever see. Therapists are trained and they have a had time at times, with someone you love..oye.
It is why both what wickedad and LadyPact made sense to me. If you are the Domme, then it is in your control, and if your gut is telling you this is out of hand, then trust it, more importantly, it is your right. Sub frenzy is a very real thing, but what you are describing may also not be healthy (heck, sub frenzy can get someone who is otherwise emotionally okay into trouble, someone with issues..well, you can imagine). You have the right to decide what happens, you have the right also at times to say no to play, and why. He is in therapy, which means he realizes there is a problem, and therefore he hopefully will listen if you tell him "this isn't the time"..you can still be his domme, but Wickedad may not have a bad idea.
My advice? If the therapist isn't kink friendly, then seek out a kink friendly therapist for a consult (for you, not him), and see what they think a good course is. Ultimately you have to decide, which is true of nay therapists advice, but at least you may feel better with a professional's advice who also understands kink play.
And yeah, I also understand how hard it is, I lived with the results of the abuse for many,many years, uncertain sex life (try having sex with someone, something getting triggered, and them screaming and clawing out you to get the fuck off, then shutting down sexually almost completely), ultimately the loss of BD/SM play for a long time, at times dealing with someone who literally shut down, it is one of the ugliest, saddest things you have to face, not because of the consequences to ourselves alone, but because you love them and have to watch it, and i think unless people have been there,they may not realize it. Sure , you can work out issues through play, but iME those are usually not major ones (could be, that is just what I have seen and believe).
If it were me, having dealt with it as best I could, I would say at this point, if you feel this is unhealthy, it very well could be, and you can be his loving domme and say no, until you know for sure more of what is going on. I wish you well, having known what it is like to deal with someone with issues, it is really hard to figure out what to do and advice, including mine, has to be taken into perspective (like the fucking jerks who told me the answer to my problems was I should be out screwing around, because after all, I had needs......yeah, I did and do, but I also had someone i loved who was going through something horrible, and i also knew that if I did that, I was taking our relationship apart, not putting it back together.......in reality, these were people who were looking for any excuse to screw anything that moved anyway, and I took it as such...)
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