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Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 1:54:42 PM   
ChaosOfHearts


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/5/2013
Status: offline 		I've been with my boyfriend for quite some time. Only recently did I realize he has an effect on me that I haven't felt in years. ( Was destroyed because of a d/s relationship experience gone very sour.) He makes me feel that submissive part of me that made me feel alive those years ago.
My boyfriend says he has control issues. That he might take it too far, I'm nervous as to what too far is. Also I'm confused that he'd think he could take it too far. Is this part of a deeper issue? Or is it one of those surface issues that can be resolved with simply talking about it.

Also...I haven't been able to use the words "Master, or Sir" in years even as jokes. For my past almost completely ruined that part for me..
How to I deal with this? I want to be able to please him. I want to be able to make him feel needed, whole. But I freeze up at any chance he mentions certain things pertaining to what he would like to do to me. Seems I am a nervous wreck at it.
Should I just grow up and deal with it? Talking about it helps but overall it makes me more nervous and he probably creates assumptions in his head that I can't do alot of limits. But I can.


...Normally I'm quiet,reserved and don't like advice from other people....
But if I don't get advice soon, I could have real problems on my hands..

-C
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 2:13:05 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		I'd love to know how you could possibly get so damaged over so many "years" at the age of 22. There is a vast amount of melodrama going on here.

So my advice is simply to settle down a bit. Look. You're a girl who likes a boy. Maybe you want him to tell you what to do (in or out of the bedroom). Maybe he's inclined to do the same. So why not simply start there? He tells you to do something and you either want to or you don't. No melodrama. No limits or lack thereof. Just an in-the-moment assessment of whether you and he like what's going on or not.

Does it need to be any more complicated than that? From reading your profile it's not exactly like your some shrinking violet who cannot protect herself and her own boundaries. So just move forward and don't do anything you don't want to do.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ChaosOfHearts)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 2:26:02 PM   
ChaosOfHearts


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/5/2013
Status: offline 		I was with the same dominant for 4 years. And I suffered mental and physical abuse. And no, unless you walked in my shoes. You have no idea what level of "drama" occurred.
Also I am a woman, who has a child. I am not a girl, I believe age has nothing to do with knowledge.
Thanks for the advice.

-C

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 2:27:16 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Inexperience doesn't equal melodrama Jeff.

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 2:36:24 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChaosOfHearts

I was with the same dominant for 4 years. And I suffered mental and physical abuse. And no, unless you walked in my shoes. You have no idea what level of "drama" occurred.
Also I am a woman, who has a child. I am not a girl, I believe age has nothing to do with knowledge.
Thanks for the advice.

-C


My first suggestion would be counseling, if you're not already there. If you've been in a domestic abuse relationship, you will have emotional scars from it. Rather than risking causing further pain and potentially damaging this relationship by worrying about how submissive you should be, first take some time to heal yourself. Ideally the counseling should include work on healthy relationships so you can identify potential warning signs in the future - the cruel irony is that people who have escaped from abusive situations often have a reduced ability to spot red flags and make good early relationship choices.

If this guy is afraid of going too far or possibly hurting you, listen to him. If he has issues of his own to work out, the place to do that is not in a d/s relationship with a woman who is already dealing with some pretty heavy relationship issues. You have all the time in the world to put a d/s dynamic in place if that it what you both eventually want, but you need to both make sure you are as mentally healthy as possible first, or there will be 'drama'.

I hope this doesn't sound negative. This is my field of training, and one thing I've seen a bunch of times is people trying to fix old relationship wounds with a new relationship. That's not fair on you or the new bf. Hopefully that's not what's happening here.

Other than that, good old communication. Be clear on what you want to try, try that and no more. Then talk about how it worked for both of you. Too much? Then back off and don't make it personal - you were both just having fun and it turned out it wasn't for you.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to ChaosOfHearts)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 2:44:29 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		4 year relationship (even with an asshole) isn't inexperienced. Long story short mr #2 guy is giving the same warning signs #1 did & apparently its our fault you don't think running the opposite direction to a therapist office to fix you before jumping back in the pool!! Boo hoo "I have a child" is further reason to avoid "mr I don't know if I can control myself". Try becoming someone to be proud of not a walking victim. Kids shouldn't have to see stuff like this because "your picker" chooses dangerous dirt bags.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 2:54:27 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		You have reservations about him, he has reservations about him too. What's the problem figuring this out? The two people involved have both said he's not good for you in the end. Why are you sticking around then? You can't change this by pouring more into it, he's told you who he is. I'd take him at his word and not try to second guess what he says.

(in reply to ChaosOfHearts)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 3:24:34 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		It's easy. You're afraid of going too fast into D/s, and he is too. Just keep going slowly and make sure you communicate well.

As far as him being concerned about taking it too far, that's great news. He's not just getting his rocks off, he's actually thinking of what's best for you. Let him proceed at his own pace. It sounds like his Dom side is new.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 3:30:28 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

You have reservations about him, he has reservations about him too. What's the problem figuring this out? The two people involved have both said he's not good for you in the end. Why are you sticking around then? You can't change this by pouring more into it, he's told you who he is. I'd take him at his word and not try to second guess what he says.

This EXACT scenario was on another threat slave found herself with a one way home because dom wanted to burn her with a blow torch. It happens!!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 4:09:11 PM   
UnholyBear


Posts: 661
Joined: 10/19/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChaosOfHearts

I've been with my boyfriend for quite some time. Only recently did I realize he has an effect on me that I haven't felt in years. ( Was destroyed because of a d/s relationship experience gone very sour.) He makes me feel that submissive part of me that made me feel alive those years ago.
My boyfriend says he has control issues. That he might take it too far, I'm nervous as to what too far is. Also I'm confused that he'd think he could take it too far. Is this part of a deeper issue? Or is it one of those surface issues that can be resolved with simply talking about it.

Also...I haven't been able to use the words "Master, or Sir" in years even as jokes. For my past almost completely ruined that part for me..
How to I deal with this? I want to be able to please him. I want to be able to make him feel needed, whole. But I freeze up at any chance he mentions certain things pertaining to what he would like to do to me. Seems I am a nervous wreck at it.
Should I just grow up and deal with it? Talking about it helps but overall it makes me more nervous and he probably creates assumptions in his head that I can't do alot of limits. But I can.


...Normally I'm quiet,reserved and don't like advice from other people....
But if I don't get advice soon, I could have real problems on my hands..

-C



Sounds like you are allowing your past to affect your relationship you have now. If you don't fully deal with your past baggage then you won't move forward. I had a collared sub who clung onto his past baggage like a life preserver so much that it affected what we were trying to build. I had let him go because of that and until he has dealt with his past, he has no future with me.

_____________________________

Shameless flirt and just as unholy as ever!

Gauge's cuddlemuffin

CD's manwhore


(in reply to ChaosOfHearts)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 4:49:45 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline
quote:

If this guy is afraid of going too far or possibly hurting you, listen to him.


I don't really have anything to add that Athena hasn't already said, and more eloquently than I could have.

I would just like to emphasize that little tidbit above. It would be wrong to try and push your bf into dominating you right now, if he is telling you that doing so could be dangerous. If he doesn't feel able to properly wield control in a safe manner, don't ask him to do so until that changes. Maybe, after working past his own issues, your bf can safely wield that control. But until he gives you the "okay," asking for anything else doesn't just endanger you, but him as well. If he loses control and hurts you, he will emotionally be impacted by that as well and, potentially, arrested for it. So, back off for his sake as well as your own.


(in reply to UnholyBear)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 5:06:22 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChaosOfHearts

My boyfriend says he has control issues. That he might take it too far, I'm nervous as to what too far is. Also I'm confused that he'd think he could take it too far. Is this part of a deeper issue? Or is it one of those surface issues that can be resolved with simply talking about it.



Does he know all about your previous experience? Is it possible that his worry about "taking it too far" might not be about him actually doing something dangerous, but might be about tripping triggers within you that take you to bad places in your mind? In other words that he might unwittingly lose your trust in him?

This is what safewords are for. You seem to have emotional issues due to previous abuse. That can be a minefield and he may be worried about stepping in the wrong place. By using a safeword, you can tell him to back off, change directions, proceed NO further in the direction he's been going.

quote:



Also...I haven't been able to use the words "Master, or Sir" in years even as jokes. For my past almost completely ruined that part for me..
How to I deal with this?



There is no rulebook that says you have to use such words. I know more than a few d/s couples who address and refer to one another simply by their names. Just because other people you see or hear of use these words, or have certain other practices that make you uncomfortable does NOT mean you have to.

Don't either of you buy into any BS that says you have to be "real" or "true." Your BDSM is YOUR BDSM and there is no reason why it should, or needs to look like that of anybody else. Go with what works for you and to hell with anything that doesn't.

(in reply to ChaosOfHearts)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 7:06:41 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Actually the fact that he's afraid of taking it too far is a good sign in a boy your age. And yes, to me you're both children because I have step-children around your age, who have made me a grandmother.

If he didn't worry about it, he would be a sociopath. Good guys don't want to hurt people. And boys in their mid 20s are barely beginning to think for themselves as opposed to reacting to their upbringing. Male frontal lobe development is not complete until age 25, that's a fact.

So go slow. Tell him you can't use the titles you used in the past. Find new ones like a term in a foreign language such as Monsieur of Maestro. Or just call him honey. There's no ruling body of BDSM that's going to rescind his license if he doesn't cane you daily.

Take time and both of you learn about how to do this in a healthy manner, which is as much your responsibility to learn as his. Because what's unhealthy for you could be healthy for him.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 7:06:56 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChaosOfHearts

My boyfriend says he has control issues. That he might take it too far, I'm nervous as to what too far is.


You're both better off in the long run if he is willing to take the time and consider the situation than just run with it. Once you are able to talk about what you both want, without the pressure of having to do anything right away, you'll be in a better position to determine what to do next.

quote:

Also...I haven't been able to use the words "Master, or Sir" in years even as jokes. For my past almost completely ruined that part for me.. How to I deal with this? I want to be able to please him. I want to be able to make him feel needed, whole. But I freeze up at any chance he mentions certain things pertaining to what he would like to do to me. Seems I am a nervous wreck at it.


Move at your pace, and if he's right for you he'll stick to that pace. Best of luck.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.


(in reply to ChaosOfHearts)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/9/2013 8:58:53 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		If your past relationship is still causing you problems with your current relationship then you need to just slow down and take it one step at a time. If you like what he tells you to do then do it. If you don't, then don't and make sure you both talk to each other clearly and concisely.

And I would seek a therapist to help you deal with the drama from your past relationship.

ETA: Having a child has zilch to do with anything unless you feel your currently bf will fly off the handle. If that's the case, leave him behind and don't get involved with any other men until you can figure out why you keep choosing the same type of men.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to RemoteUser)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/10/2013 7:56:25 AM   
breagha


Posts: 380
Joined: 7/29/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

If your past relationship is still causing you problems with your current relationship then you need to just slow down and take it one step at a time. If you like what he tells you to do then do it. If you don't, then don't and make sure you both talk to each other clearly and concisely.



This is good advice. i was in a very abusive relationship about 4 years ago. While i still have some residual issues from that, therapy helped me to cope with the major ones. i also didn't jump right into another relationship. Now, having openly communicated with Master about my past, he is willing to move slowly and help me through the residuals. As always... communication is key. Honest communication. I think it might also be important to listen to him and his reservations and to not push him.

_____________________________

"Consumed with memories that preceded today; given a chance to bereave life that's slipping away"

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/10/2013 8:09:51 AM   
Toysinbabeland


Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline 		Op:
He's warned you.
Isn't that enough?

(in reply to breagha)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/10/2013 9:14:56 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Indeed.

I'd recommend couples counseling. Learning how to communicate with one another better and learning how to deal with your past garbage rather than allowing it to affect your current relationship.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Toysinbabeland)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/11/2013 8:41:21 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChaosOfHearts
I was with the same dominant for 4 years. And I suffered mental and physical abuse. And no, unless you walked in my shoes. You have no idea what level of "drama" occurred.

OK, so you lept into this once and it turned out spectacularly poorly. What has changed in the intervening time that makes you think it's a good thing to do again? Particularly in light of the fact that "Your boyfriend says he has control issues".

quote:

Also I am a woman, who has a child. I am not a girl, I believe age has nothing to do with knowledge.

Fine. You are a woman with a child who looks to be making some really poor life choices for both yourself and your child. You are correct. Age and experience both have little to do with knowledge. My mentor once said to me:

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted"

So what experience did you turn into wisdom from this 4 year relationship with an abuser? That's the experience you ought to be applying here.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ChaosOfHearts)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Confused. Nervous.. - 3/11/2013 9:53:50 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		Your last line is the most important, and the correct answer Chaos. You need good advice and NOW. You are not going to get it here, no matter how much useful information people are offering. You need professional help, as in therapy. If you are as damaged by that first relationship as you say, nothing short of therapy with a qualified specialist is going to do you any lasting good.


(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 20
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