Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (Full Version)

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notnewnotexp -> Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/11/2013 9:00:29 PM)

I have been seeing a Dom for about six months now. He is married, but in an open relationship. I've met his wife and she is fine with our situation. He and I have a great time together both in the BDSM area and in vanilla situations. I was not looking for a married man, but we just clicked.

However, I do not want to be on the side for my whole life. He knows I am looking, and no one would be happier for me than he would be if I were to find a good relationship with someone of my own. But, this makes for complicated conversations with potential new Doms. I do not want to lie and not tell people that I am seeing someone, but by being completely upfront I find it scares a lot of men away.

I really enjoy his company and if I was to find someone, I think we would always stay friends. Is it wrong to think I can keep seeing him while looking? Is it "having my cake and eating it, too"? Is there a way to bring it up with new Doms that makes it less threatening? Do I need to be completely alone in order to find someone?

Thanks in advance for your responses.



OsideGirl -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/11/2013 9:06:58 PM)

Let me ask you:

If you were talking to a Dom and he said that he's currently seeing someone, but would drop them if someone came along that clicked. How would you feel about starting to date that person?



xssve -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/11/2013 9:31:49 PM)

I don't think you can reverse the situation here, we're not taking about dumping a sub here, we're talking about releasing one.

I believe the protocol here is for the prospective dom to contact your current dom, if that scares the guy off then he probably doesn't have the cajones.

I don't know how much protocol you guys do, but I would feel better about it, I know you're not just rolling around in some dimly lit meatpit, if you are in a relationship, one assumes you have what it takes to be in a relationship, no? The more information I can get about you the better, and who should know you better than your current? i.e, I can talk to somebody who already knows you, he can sound me out on your behalf, etc. - it doesn't have to all be handled like a third party transaction, but just to touch base, get his blessings, or whatever, it's not that big a deal.



MistressDarkArt -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/11/2013 9:42:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp


However, I do not want to be on the side for my whole life. <snip> Is there a way to bring it up with new Doms that makes it less threatening? Do I need to be completely alone in order to find someone?



You could say to a potential partner: "I've been involved for a few months with a married dom who has his his wife's blessing, but I know now I don't want to be the person on the side."

It's honest; it's clear you're not a sneak-about, and it states what you seek now. Bottom line: you're a female submissive who will have many suitable candidates. There's no need to be alone, to lie, or to settle. If you want to have it all, you can. Good luck. Please let us know how it works out for you.



TAFKAA -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/11/2013 10:04:07 PM)

Your situation would imply you're a casual player and thus, not worthy of my time.



MAINEiacMISTRESS -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/11/2013 10:04:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

I have been seeing a Dom for about six months now. He is married, but in an open relationship. I've met his wife and she is fine with our situation. He and I have a great time together both in the BDSM area and in vanilla situations. I was not looking for a married man, but we just clicked.

However, I do not want to be on the side for my whole life. He knows I am looking, and no one would be happier for me than he would be if I were to find a good relationship with someone of my own. But, this makes for complicated conversations with potential new Doms. I do not want to lie and not tell people that I am seeing someone, but by being completely upfront I find it scares a lot of men away.

I really enjoy his company and if I was to find someone, I think we would always stay friends. Is it wrong to think I can keep seeing him while looking? Is it "having my cake and eating it, too"? Is there a way to bring it up with new Doms that makes it less threatening? Do I need to be completely alone in order to find someone?

Thanks in advance for your responses.

If you and your Dom are that close, and He understands your reason for leaving is simply the situation, it seems to me He might HELP YOU SEARCH, to make sure your new Dom is a good match and you are well cared for, perhaps going with you to meet prospective new Doms, rather than have you risk getting involved with a bad match.
Just My opinion, but in an established CARING D/s relationship the Dominant should have a feeling of responsibility for your well-being, and that includes transfering you to another Dom safely.

Where is DarkSteven tonight? I want to hear His take on this.
--MM



muhly22222 -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/11/2013 10:15:20 PM)

In all honesty, I don't know that there is a way to introduce the fact that you're playing with one guy and looking for a long-term guy that's going to make it more or less appealing. I know that I'm generally not interested in people who have some sort of ongoing play arrangement with another person, so if it was me on the other end, that would make me lose all interest.

I think that most (reasonable) people are understanding of the fact that you're talking to others in addition to them at the beginning, and they're fine with that. But I wouldn't spend (waste? probably) my time on somebody who was already getting play on the side. First, it's a potential complication and source of conflict if/when you and the potential Dom want to start establishing the basic parts of a D/s dynamic. And second, it makes it seem to me like while you'd certainly like a relationship, you can't wait for it to happen to get your rocks off...and that isn't a personality trait that appeals to me.

I'm not saying that that applies to you, that's just how I tend to interpret those kind of situations generally.



Lynnxz -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/11/2013 10:47:46 PM)

I'd say you could keep playing while looking. I'd fill your current Dom in on it though- no reason why he should fuss.

I also don't know why anyone you were meeting would complain- there's no rule anywhere that you have to stay chaste in between serious relationships, it's just a kinky fuckbuddy FFS.



myotherself -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/11/2013 11:31:46 PM)

It depends on your relationship with your current guy.

Do you view him as your Dom? Do you regard yourself as a 'couple' in any way?

Or is he just a really nice guy you hang out with and sometimes play with and have sex? And, most importantly, do you see yourself as being 'single'?

If it's the former, then I'd think about splitting with him sooner rather than later. As OsideGirl said, "f you were talking to a Dom and he said that he's currently seeing someone, but would drop them if someone came along that clicked. How would you feel about starting to date that person? ".

If it's more casual than that, then there's no harm in having fun while you're single.

I had a guy I'd see every couple of weeks for great sex/play, and between times were were really good friends. I continued this casual relationship for a couple of years while I was looking for something more permanent. I met other potential Doms, but none really progressed past a second or third date, so I continued seeing my 'casual friend'.

As soon as I met Master, I realised there was something special happening so I immediately stopped sex/play with this other guy, although we remain good friends.

Master knew I wasn't a virgin and had had several kinky partners. I knew the same about him. After a few weeks of dating we talked about, and agreed upon exclusivity. There was no big drama about who we'd been seeing, just a commitment to each other from that point on.

If he'd asked the details of my casual relationship, I'd have told him. He isn't particularly interested though, nor am I interested in his.



LadyPact -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/11/2013 11:38:19 PM)

I'm actually a fan of casual play. In My opinion, however, a dynamic is something else if you are intending to find a monogamous relationship.

You didn't call this guy a play partner. You called him a Dom. In this, you are setting the stage that shows you'll hang in there until something better comes along. It's fair warning to the new person that you will 'search' while in a current relationship. For you, it's something like a safety net that allows you to search for others while you still have what you've got. Not everybody is going to see it like that

If you're poly, and seeking those who are poly, I'd say there wouldn't be a problem. I don't get that vibe from your post.

I understand very well why somebody wouldn't want to be a secondary relationship. I totally get wanting it all. However, if you want to be the "all" to somebody else, you have to be the "all" for them, too.



FrostedFlake -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/12/2013 12:14:57 AM)

I think the Mono/Poly theism splits at the line that divides the folks that think sharing is okay and the rest. It's a pretty broad line. I'll bet Kinsey has a graphic. Some of the time it won't matter. Some of the time a better way of putting it might matter. A lot, if you really like the guy. Or gal.

But only if you plan to be Mono. If, upon due reflection, this should turn out not to be so, and it isn't NOW, then problem solved. He who runs saves you the trouble.

So. Consider a moment whether you really have a problem.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/12/2013 1:55:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm actually a fan of casual play. In My opinion, however, a dynamic is something else if you are intending to find a monogamous relationship.

You didn't call this guy a play partner. You called him a Dom. In this, you are setting the stage that shows you'll hang in there until something better comes along. It's fair warning to the new person that you will 'search' while in a current relationship. For you, it's something like a safety net that allows you to search for others while you still have what you've got. Not everybody is going to see it like that

If you're poly, and seeking those who are poly, I'd say there wouldn't be a problem. I don't get that vibe from your post.

I understand very well why somebody wouldn't want to be a secondary relationship. I totally get wanting it all. However, if you want to be the "all" to somebody else, you have to be the "all" for them, too.



I agree with all of this.

For me (I know, not your target audience) 'I have a regular play partner, but I'm looking for an exclusive relationship going forward' isn't a problem. Just some fun while you are single. But 'I have a dom, but since he's married I'm looking for someone else and will leave him for the right person' would put me off. I don't wanna be second best because your first choice isn't available, nor would I want to be with someone that might stick with me just until a better offer came along.

On the other hand, as people have pointed out, if you are looking for long-term poly it shouldn't be an issue to have and continue to have a regular play partner.



lizi -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/12/2013 3:29:24 AM)

I think the answers you've gotten are good, and I'd agree with saying that it depends with what you are looking for in the new relationship. You say you don't want to be a permanent side dish, so I'll go with thinking you want a long term monogamous relationship in the future? If that's the case, I feel keeping your good time on the side right now would be to your detriment. I'm not sure the quality person you seek would be attracted to anything less than that for himself, and like it or not, your current sexual activities will be judged just as you would judge another person from your side too.

Seems like it's already happening that men are being scared off. Do you want that to continue or find the long term relationship? It's up to you. These men have no idea if you're really planning on cutting things off with him or not, maybe they think chances are high that you'll sneak around to see him when you are supposed to be with them. I realize this all has to do with the eventual configuration of your relationship, but if I were them I'd definitely wonder about your future behavior. Something to think about...



searching4mysir -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/12/2013 5:42:13 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp


However, I do not want to be on the side for my whole life. <snip> Is there a way to bring it up with new Doms that makes it less threatening? Do I need to be completely alone in order to find someone?



You could say to a potential partner: "I've been involved for a few months with a married dom who has his his wife's blessing, but I know now I don't want to be the person on the side."

It's honest; it's clear you're not a sneak-about, and it states what you seek now. Bottom line: you're a female submissive who will have many suitable candidates. There's no need to be alone, to lie, or to settle. If you want to have it all, you can. Good luck. Please let us know how it works out for you.


The only thing I would add to this is that your current dom knows you are looking elsewhere and you have his blessing.



IamMuffin -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/12/2013 6:32:23 AM)

One big free for all,
or truly alone.

Perhaps the latter
Perhaps the former if one is needy



JeffBC -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/12/2013 6:59:23 AM)

I guess I don't see what the issue is. You explained it in this post quite clearly. AT most, I might want to call and speak with your current Dom and his wife. If I got the same story from them I can't imagine why I'd think of this as cheating or any sort of "bad behavior".

Insofar as other doms getting scared off... LOL. You need to find some men who are actually dominant. I don't scare that easily. I'd either assess you as a liar or not. In addition I might decide there's baggage here you're not seeing. But I wouldn't be scared off and I'd absolutely want to investigate further before coming to any such conclusions.



mnottertail -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/12/2013 7:53:10 AM)

Well, now actual dominant men might not actually be 'scared' off.  They might just not be into the sort of monkey who has a firm grasp on the foward branch before releasing the hindmost, when swinging from tree to tree.




JeffBC -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/12/2013 8:06:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail
Well, now actual dominant men might not actually be 'scared' off.  They might just not be into the sort of monkey who has a firm grasp on the foward branch before releasing the hindmost, when swinging from tree to tree.

As I said, there may be other reasons why they choose not to play. But if "scared off" is it then I'm sticking with my original diagnosis.



mnottertail -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/12/2013 8:16:02 AM)

I would agree in principle, but I do think that 'scared off' as a phrase in respect to this situation  is absolute asswipe, and is in no way indicative or realistically descriptive (let alone prescriptive) of the situation at hand. 

I think it is designed to malign another and distract from the very human situation embedded in here.



SailingBum -> RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another (3/12/2013 10:56:48 AM)

ehhh plenty of other "unencumbered" girls out there. Why bother dealing with one that is already "involved"??? I get it you want your cake and eat it too which is fine. I just not going to hop on your merry go round.

BadOne



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