It works for US

It works for US (Full Version)

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Lucifyre -> It works for US (3/12/2013 4:19:44 AM)
I recently posted this as a journal entry somewhere else and thought I'd share it here as well. It's an issue I am currently struggling with and wouldn't mind a little feedback. To clearly state...this is NOT directed at anyone HERE on these boards. I'm just posting it for some opinions (please turn off the flame throwers, my flame retardant suit is in the wash today) Mr and I "grew up" together in this lifestyle. We didn't have the influence of any other dominant or submissives in our previous relationships to bias our opinions of how a D/s relationship should be run. Together we made a life filled with both vanilla and D/s mixed together and what we did works for us. Let me say it again, IT WORKS FOR US. Our flavor of kink is not meant to make anyone BUT He and I happy. Sometimes we hit bumps in the road and sometimes it's completely smooth sailing. That's part of any relationship and the ones that are worth it are cerainly worth working on through the bumps in the road along the path. Recently, we have been making more of an effort to get out into the local community and be more social. while this is not new to us, we might be a little rusty. When we first got involved in the public BDSM scene, we were still young and new and didn't know jack from shit. Life got in the way for quite a few years, between a nasty custody battle to a disabling injury causing us to move out of state to having little kids to raise up to adults, being in the community and practicing any form of D/s outside the privacy of our own home became too much to deal with. So, we took a hiatus. We lost touch with some dear friends and made a new life in a new place. During the years between then and now, we came out of our newbie shells and figured out what makes the both of us tick and how to be each others yin to our yang. While we "kept up" with some things through the internet, we still only had each other for exposure. Now that we are coming out in the community more over the last year and a half, I am personally feeling that certain things while said strongly, are simply not true. Let me give a specific example... I am a firm believer that there is no one true way for any relationship. I believe that only the participants in each relationship, whether they be a mono couple, or a multi person poly, bottom/top, Dom/sub..whatever..have the right to decide what happens within that relationship unless other people are invited to share their opinions and guidance. I also believe that there has to be consent and content coming from ALL parties involved. When that consent happens, or how much content there is for each individual involved isn't much relevant. A slave can give consent in the beginning of a relationship one time that stands throughout, a bottom can give consent each time they scene (for clarification). When I talk about these being my opinion, I see a lot of head nodding, hear a lot of "yep, that's right" etc...but later on, I feel like people look at me like I have 14 heads. (frequently from the same people nodding and agreeing) This two sided feeling (which may be all in my head because as my Husband says...I worry too much) is disturbing to me. It is frustrating to feel agreed with and then feel like I'm out of my mind. Now, let me just say, Mr and I don't give a flying fuck what other people think of our relationship, because as I said in the beginning...it works for US. Some people recently, without directly coming out and saying it, have given us the impression that they think He is a bad Dom because it doesn't look like He has much control of me or I don't act all demure and compliant to Him (or anyone else for that matter) all the time. Some folks might think I am disrespectful to Him because I have a strong personality and am not ever afraid to speak my mind no matter who's company I'm in, including and sometimes especially His. While I understand it took our older dear friends some time getting used to us, they still came to the understanding what seemed to be the general combativeness or conflict of our personalities to most people, was just some of our most cherished verbal power exchanges and was uniquely who we were as a couple. We challenge each other and we have a damn good time doing it. If it's not your cup of tea, that's awesome, get over it...it's your issue, not ours. If that means you don't care to be friends with us...well...your loss ;) /rant. And since folks here insist there needs to be a question in posts in order for people to express an opinion or respond.... What works for YOU in your relationship? How do you feel when someone tells you you're doing it wrong? How do you react in those situations? (I try not to react to the person in the above entry because getting into conflict with him could seriously damage things for Mr and I in our community...but that means this guy will NEVER be put in his place because everyone feels the way I do about it) All of us being human means that we all have some sort of feelings when presented with conflict in our lives...so "I don't react" is not an answer LOL Luci

Level -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 4:50:52 AM)
If it works, it works. If it gives you and yours joy, then so be it. I may take into consideration what others say, because I'm a thoughtful guy, but I'm also old enough to know what and who I am, and what I want.

sexyred1 -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 6:59:04 AM)
You have stated you don't care what others think about your relationship, yet you seem to contradict that in your post. I believe that everyone really does care about what other people think. People seek validation from outside sources. I do what I want to do and like Level, I also seek to hear other opinions, because I know I can always learn something new about something or myself. In the end, you have to do what makes you happy and if being around people who are criticizing that happiness for whatever reason, then stop being with those influences, OR, just smile and be happy.

JeffBC -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 7:13:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lucifyre ...they think He is a bad Dom because it doesn't look like He has much control of me... And I think they are idiots. So there. I mean for gods sake... seriously? These people are SERIOUSLY going to measure using that as a measurement. That'd be like someone coming up to me and saying I'm a bad husband because I wear size 11 shoes. Huh? What works for YOU in your relationship? Works works for us (in this area) is much like what works for you. We don't argue. But my "control" over Carol can look pretty loose and sloppy at times. At times it IS loose and sloppy. What works for me is having non-stupid friends. How do you feel when someone tells you you're doing it wrong? How do I feel? I feel like I must have made some mistake that such a stupid person feels like they authorized to comment on my marriage. How do you react in those situations? I react by cutting such people out of my life. There are jillions of idiots out there. It's not like the person who said that is some special little snowflake. but that means this guy will NEVER be put in his place because everyone feels the way I do about it I guess I'm unclear why such people need to put "but in their place". They put themselves in their own place. Without any help from me such people walk around wearing "idiot" signs for the world to see. What other place need there be? The other idiots can cluster around and they can all be a nice happy circle-jerk of stupidity... far away from me. I wish them well. All of us being human means that we all have some sort of feelings when presented with conflict in our lives...so "I don't react" is not an answer LOL The last time this happened to me I had a hard time not bursting out laughing. So my internal reaction was "Oh dear lord, you're that stupid and you're willing to advertise it?" My external reaction was simply to say, "I don't seem to care about the same things that you do." Oh, the other thing I tend to think but not say is, "I've been pretty damned happy for twenty years. How about you?" But honestly such thoughts are beneath me. I try not to dwell on them. Look, we have friend with a lot of different authority dynamics. In general, our reaction is to be intrigued at those differences. We will ask questions. We will note areas of greater and lesser control. We will poke and prod. We will try to understand why that works for them. In other words, we celebrate human diversity as do all of our friends. That is what intellectually open and curious minds do. The behavior you're talking about is simply a small mind thinking it's small thoughts. At best it is worth small worry. My reaction is much the same as if a 12 year old told criticized my marriage... not worth much worry.

LadyPact -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 9:27:17 AM)
What works for YOU in your relationship? This question kind of confuses Me. What's going on is what works. If it didn't work, I'd do something else. How do you feel when someone tells you you're doing it wrong? I don't run into this problem a whole lot. The closest I get is the occasional twit on the internet who wants to tell Me their low opinion of clip and I both being married to other people. In those instances, I try to teach them about poly. How do you react in those situations? (I try not to react to the person in the above entry because getting into conflict with him could seriously damage things for Mr and I in our community...but that means this guy will NEVER be put in his place because everyone feels the way I do about it) All of us being human means that we all have some sort of feelings when presented with conflict in our lives...so "I don't react" is not an answer LOL I wouldn't call it a reaction. I'm more likely to call it a response. The word reaction implies that it bothers Me. I used to have a sig line that read, "I really do appreciate your opinion and all, but My dynamic is not a democracy and you don't get a vote". That really is My attitude about the whole thing. In My opinion, you really can't argue with success. I'm willing to bet there are people on these boards who think I'm 'doing it wrong' from the other side of the spectrum. That I want too much authority or that I expect too much obedience. My response is pretty much that I shrug My shoulders. Such opinions don't hold greater weight than My reality.

OsideGirl -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 9:34:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lucifyre How do you feel when someone tells you you're doing it wrong? It's been my experience that the people who tell me that we're doing it wrong are usually people who haven't been able to make any of their own relationships work. I just usually say: "I'll be sure to let Master know. I'm sure he'll be devastated."

Lucifyre -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 9:57:23 AM)
As usual, I knew this would be the right place to post my OP. So far all of your responses are making me feel a bit better about the situation. Sexyred, I don't care enough about these folks opinions to make changes in my relationship, what I am concerned about is that I don't want folks turned off of being friends with me because of what these other people might say...kind of ruin it for me before they get to know me kind of thing. As I said in my OP, I am really rusty at this making friends stuff because I took such a long break to just be home and run my house and raise kids etc. I kind of feel like maybe a recent middle aged divorcee might who got married young and is just going back out into the dating arena. I know it's going to take some practice to not be so self conscious about it and that's probably the little thing in the back of my head making me worry. I know I'm not perfect, I'm going to be awkward and dorky and probably embarrass myself in situations. What I need to do though is feel ok with the fact that no one else gets a vote unless I invite them and I don't need to make any changes for anyone because my relationship iS working. When the guy I was talking about above made the comment that he did (not the first time he has made comments like it to me or Mr), it made me question if I was even submissive to Mr. (I know I'm not to anyone else) When I spoke to Mr about it, His answer was..."you're submissive to me in the way that I want you to be and that's all that matters" And He's 100% correct...if He wanted me to be any different He would say so and nobody elses views make an iota of difference in our lives. Luci *who will never stop learning...not to be confused with who will never learn LOL)

sexyred1 -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 10:11:56 AM)
Hey, it sounds to me like you got a great thing going. Just enjoy and if people don't want to get to know you for whatever reasons, surely it's their loss, no?

Hillwilliam -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 10:18:50 AM)
If it works for you, that's all that's important. Those who say he's a 'bad Dom' can go suck dingleberry covered assholes without the benefit of being handed a toothpick afterwards. Just because you're a sub doesn't mean you have to bow down to every Joe-Bag-o-donuts who calls himself "AlmightySuperDuperMasterDomofthePlanetGorgon". If your SO is happy, that's the only important thing. If making him happy is the priority of your life, then you're a better sub than most people deserve.

Lucifyre -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 10:28:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam Just because you're a sub doesn't mean you have to bow down to every Joe-Bag-o-donuts who calls himself "AlmightySuperDuperMasterDomofthePlanetGorgon". This is how I feel. This is also one of the reasons that this guy has the attitude towards me tha he does. I'm not the only female in our community that he pulls this shit on...even respected Dommes get this crap from him from time to time. Yes, his opinion of my relationship means dick...but again, he is well known and his opinion has influence. That's what bugs me. Luci

SailingBum -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 10:48:52 AM)
Much ado bout nothing. BadOne

Kana -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 10:54:22 AM)
What works for YOU in your relationship? We do what I want, when I want, how I want. My task is to lead, hers is to obey and follow. We're still working on the "'with grace and dignity" part of the equation. On both sides, I might add :-) How do you feel when someone tells you you're doing it wrong? I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks so I pay little credence in general. Now, that said, if it's someone who's knowledgeable and I respect, if I think they may have something of substance to their comments, I'll give their comments consideration...but ya gotta be careful here. Remember, one of the great keys in life is that one never knows where wisdom will come from. The "out of the mouths of babes" deal. Course, one also has to, as always, consider the source. How do you react in those situations? (I try not to react to the person in the above entry because getting into conflict with him could seriously damage things for Mr and I in our community...but that means this guy will NEVER be put in his place because everyone feels the way I do about it) Points above. Personally, my perspective on BDSM is pretty similar to yours, and my reactions are equally in line. Much of what you posted sounds like something I would have written...with the one exception that I don't have the duality you do. I'm OK with what I do. She's (Sometimes) OK with it. And it's really nobody else's business.So if they're stupid enough to stick their nose in my private affairs (Which doesn't happen often-for some reason I'm rarely challenged about shit in life), I'm gonna let em know their opinion is unwanted and unsolicited in no uncertain terms. And if they continue, then shit gets ugly...but really that's never happened so I'm just speculating here. All of us being human means that we all have some sort of feelings when presented with conflict in our lives...so "I don't react" is not an answer LOL

SacredDepravity -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 11:26:20 AM)
While I am adamantly going to say that I agree with the posters above (PLEASE don't miss this part), I wanted to go at this from a different aspect for a moment. The silly, petty little comments going on around you are nothing new and I had them said about me a few years back when with a dominant who simply had NO area of my life that wasn't in a sheer stranglehold of control. It's laughable. Choosing not to exercise control IS control. It is ultimate control to be very honest. I hope that much is clear before going on my little bender here. Now for the bender itself. Lots of things work for certain people for certain reasons in certain ways. That does not mean the thing or its function or its outcome is healthy. The concept of "shared madness" comes to mind. People may be perfectly synched with each other and have a seemingly desireable outcome without any shred of sanity or propriety at all. It's tough to know when you've enter such a situation. While the basic constructs may be valid, application can make all the difference in heads shaking in agreement to them thinking of calling the cops or the guys in the white coats. Constant dissonance between your reality and what outsiders see is THE tell that one needs to take a closer look at things. The problem is that there is a strong "I'm okay. You're okay." attitude pervasive in this subculture that allows us to sport blinders as a individuality fashion statement when, in fact, we may need to remove them and look around us a bit. I have a hard headedness about caring what others say about me, my family, my relationships, how I run my life. Too much undue criticism over time has lead to me shutting down when people begin to go there. I won't hear it much less listen. After taking a few too many tumbles over various ledges in life, I have humbled a bit and listen (some say more than I should) to what others say. People sounded the alarm back in the day and I promptly ignored them. We do what works for us. If it isn't for you, then don't participate and if we aren't for you, then let's go our separate ways. Sounds good on paper, doesn't it? The reality is that we really don't always realize the path we are on. While not every stray comment needs my worry, I have to stop and check myself when people I really do respect and know care about me say the very same things. I guess that's always the question in the end. Do people that love and care about me and know me very well find what is going on disturbing? Do I trust the person speaking to have my best interests at heart? If the answer is no, then who cares what their busybodied, yammering mouths have to say? If the answer is yes, then it's time to rip the blinders off, take a dose of humility, and be prepared to walk away from the ledge you are nearing before you fall off it. Neither is necessarily easy, but both are essential to healthy relationships both with each other and self. SD a rant a lifetime in the making

Lucifyre -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 11:53:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity I guess that's always the question in the end. Do people that love and care about me and know me very well find what is going on disturbing? Do I trust the person speaking to have my best interests at heart? If the answer is no, then who cares what their busybodied, yammering mouths have to say? If the answer is yes, then it's time to rip the blinders off, take a dose of humility, and be prepared to walk away from the ledge you are nearing before you fall off it. Neither is necessarily easy, but both are essential to healthy relationships both with each other and self. SD a rant a lifetime in the making I guess this is the crux of it right here isn't it? The person whos opinion I value most has already told me I'm doing exactly what He wants me to do...so nothing else matters. The fact that someone who doesn't do things our way or even approve of how we do things had the audactiy to open his mouth in the first place shouldn't make any difference to me whatsoever. I've gone and let something get to me that isn't important in my life. I did state in my OP however that even my husband said I worry too much LOL. I'm going to be honest and say, this isn't the first OR the last time shit like this is going to get to me. It's something I need to work on. Mostly the don't worry about things unless they bother people important in my life thing. Luci

Missokyst -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 1:15:44 PM)
What works for me is being me. When I am with a partner what works for me is what works for us. I don't care what other people might say about me or about him. I have never been subject to sheep mentality. And in my view giving someone else that much control over my feelings would be like me trying to fit into the flock. It isn't my thing. So I guess I don't care when people tell me I am doing it wrong. Hell..I started out wrong, having not come from the guidebooks at all. How do I feel when someone says I am doing it wrong? Probably irritated. Not because I care about what they think of me, but because I detest people who have a closed mind. I don't like it in politics and I don't like it in my life. How do I react? I speak up. Once. Maybe a few times but no more. You cannot teach a stump. I let them know I am happy and or content to life as is, and it really isn't their concern. It does bother me when people jump on the bandwagon, either for or against. Case in point: There is a couple here that are probably universally dismissed. I have read his words and hers and while I disagree with most of the stuff they say, THEY seem to work together. Their life works for them, even if I don't care for the style. In my view I am not screwing either of them so they don't effect my life. If they give out bad advice.. lol well, tough. I am a firm believer in letting the chips fall where they may, and culling the herd of people who probably should not be doing the stuff we do. On the other side of the spectrum there is a couple who are very well respected. But I find them annoying more than anything. They are the opposite end of the popular spectrum but and were I inclined to follow I might jump in among those who hand out laurels for "being one of the good ones". But I am not a follower. I will continue to glaze over most of what is posted from them, just as I glaze over the first couple. Not my style, not my deal, none of my concern. I react, mostly by glazing over. My life is mine, theirs is theirs. quote: ORIGINAL: Lucifyre And since folks here insist there needs to be a question in posts in order for people to express an opinion or respond.... What works for YOU in your relationship? How do you feel when someone tells you you're doing it wrong? How do you react in those situations? (I try not to react to the person in the above entry because getting into conflict with him could seriously damage things for Mr and I in our community...but that means this guy will NEVER be put in his place because everyone feels the way I do about it) All of us being human means that we all have some sort of feelings when presented with conflict in our lives...so "I don't react" is not an answer LOL Luci

HisPet21 -> RE: It works for US (3/12/2013 7:11:55 PM)
What works for YOU in your relationship? I'm f*cking 23. I am still learning about how relationships work, and how my long term bf and I sync up, lol. But I can certainly sympathize with your dynamic, I believe, as I also fail to be all supplicant and soft around the bf. We, for example, like to argue a lot. We both have degrees in the humanities, and it isn't unusual to argue something like ethics or politics for hours on end. I give snide remarks, but he gives them right back. Honest to goodness, he would be deathly bored of a "Yes, sir" kind of girl. I definitely challenge and disagree with and even make wise cracks at him, but it isn't disrespectful. It's just us being us and having a good time together. For me, subservience comes in the form of doing what he needs done, respecting his very few protocol type rules, offering to cook dinner/ give a massage if he looks grumpy. Not in being quite and subdued. If people have a problem with that, too bad. In fact, I know of a few people who are a little weirded out by my doing things like fixing his tea, or fetching him a drink on command (most of our mutual friends are vanilla), but after the initial "that was kinda weird" they get over it and move on. Cause, you know, I choose my friends very, very carefully. If you don't have an open mind and a respectful attitude, I don't want you clogging up my very limited time with your stupid comments. How do you feel when someone tells you you're doing it wrong? I won't lie, sometimes it does bother me, especially if the commentator is a family member (can't pick and choose them). But here's the thing: People judge other people. That's what they do, justified or not. You can't escape being judged, and it's a waste of effort to try. I just shrug my shoulders, smile politely, and move on with my life. It's gonna happen, like stubbing your toe on occasion or getting rained on. I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it. How do you react in those situations? I voice my objections very politely and respectfully, then take a mental note that I probably shouldn't discuss my relationship around Person X. It's probably harder to do when the person is well respected in the community, but even well respected people can be assholes. Oftentimes, this is because said person might have many good qualities or skills outside of a few flaws, even if they are rather large. So, take people at face value and realize that if a person appears like a jerk to you, he probably appears that way to others. Respect what he is good at, and ignore his opinion of your relationship if that isn't his specialty.

DesFIP -> RE: It works for US (3/13/2013 4:21:37 PM)
Any time you have a group, there are going to be people like that. It may just mean that this is not the right group for you. Try some others. I have friends in 12 step programs. And they see this stuff all the time. They don't fight it, they just try out a different group in the town over on a different night. Some of them will be a better fit for you. If you really want to put this idiot down, just tell him he ought to go back to his sub now, and how long have they been together? Especially helpful if he doesn't have one.

Lucifyre -> RE: It works for US (3/14/2013 3:27:08 AM)
Well, considering what's happening in our lives recently, we may end up ith a new group soon anyway. The thing about that is, our circumstances will change to the point where we won't have anyone to sit with Short Pants when we go out SO we won't be able to socialize much. It took a few years for me to get comfortable enough with anyone to go anywhere without him down here. It almost feels like I might as well give it up until he is old enough to move out LOL Luci

DesFIP -> RE: It works for US (3/14/2013 4:41:00 PM)
Luci, does he have friends his own age who he has playdates with? Suggest to one of those parents that you swap sleepovers. So once a month he stays at a friend's house and you have a night off and two weeks later the friend sleeps over at yours and they get a night off. I did this for years and it worked well.

Lucifyre -> RE: It works for US (3/14/2013 4:53:17 PM)
Hehe that's another thread entirely. The short answer is no. The longer answer starts off with I am too paranoid of a parent to trust anyone else with caring for my child that I wouldn't trust my own life with. Shorty plays a lot of XBox, we go to the park, I take him to the beach, Daddy and I take him to the theme parks....but I don't leave him with anyone I don't personally know extremely well. Currently that's our roomate who has been living with us for the last 4 years and just this year we started letting him babysit. Luci Edit to add...the rooomate will not be moving with us if we go.

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